Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping your married dd

406 replies

MrsCasares · 29/03/2019 19:24

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

OP posts:
Ineedaweeinpeace · 29/03/2019 22:33

You can only offer and not be offended at the response. You sound so lovely x

Fruitbatdancer · 29/03/2019 22:35

When DH and I both worked full time things my parents did that I loved the most (they always offered, never intrusive, they willing had a key as they never would come and use it without prior arrangement)
Feed the cats if we were late
Stick new milk and and bread
A home cooked lasagne in the fridge
Mow the lawn!
Water the tomatoes (on a hot day!)
Once my dad even came and got my car and filled it with fuel as I had a long work trip the next day
Turned the washing/ picked up dry cleaning
Waited in for electrician/ plumber/ new washing machine
Told us anytime we wanted dinner just to let them know by 5pm and it would be on the table at theirs ready when we finished!

They never asked to clean/ I wouldn’t have asked nor wanted.
But lots of little things were so helpful! Just incase any of those would work!

Amazing mums and dads should be treasured! And mine are!

quizqueen · 29/03/2019 22:45

They both choose to work long hours. They can afford a cleaner themselves.

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 22:48

Why don't you enjoy your good health while you can and do something for yourself? Travel, languages, clubs, hobbies, concerts, volunteering? Join the U3A or start a book club? Foster a kitten. Walk in nature. Take up wine tasting

Hang on, how do you know the OP wants to do anything from you list? Or that she doesn’taready?

It’s only one day a week being offered not full time domestic work.

itbemay1 · 29/03/2019 22:55

Yes! I would be overjoyed if my DM offered to do this for us!

thegreylady · 29/03/2019 23:01

My dd has me for childcare and a cleaner as well. If I was any use at housework she would be delighted to let me do it. In the event she pops round and sorts me out when my cleaner is on holiday.

Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 29/03/2019 23:07

My mum offered this and it's worked out fab, but for me my mum tootling around my home isn't intrusive but she's also careful not to do anything untoward such as rooting!

Diversion · 29/03/2019 23:10

I would say that you realise that they are both extremely busy and that you would be happy to help out with cleaning if they ever require your help. Just add that you would only clean where they asked and wouldn't go into any rooms ie their bedroom if they preferred you not to. It's a very kind offer, but the last thing I would have wanted is my Mum poking around, although I was very grateful for her help after all of my C sections. I would just be careful how you word things so that they are not offended and don't think that you think their house is messy.

Snog · 29/03/2019 23:12

I have two relatives whose mums do this. My female cousin loves it. My male cousin also loves it but it creates huge issues with his girlfriend.

BrokenWing · 29/03/2019 23:25

I would love a mum who would come in and clean my house with no comments, judgement, criticism, questions about things she finds in drawers, cupboards, filing. But unfortunately she can't help herself from snooping and sees no wrong in it, so it's never going to happen.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/03/2019 23:43

You're a lovely Mum and it's very kind of you to want to help them in this way.

But now I'm mid-40s, I've noticed that parents helping out their adult DCs a lot doesn't always lead to a healthy dynamic. I have friends/relatives who've relied on their parents for help for years...it's turned into an expectation and of course now their parents are getting older and really need a break!

Handling domestic responsibilities is part of growing up so I'd let them be independent and deal with the cleaning themselves (e.g. hiring a cleaner). You can always offer to help if/when they really need it.

That's just my twopence! I'm aware that I have a bit of a "thing" about adult children taking advantage of their parents, I just believe it's time to give back when you're an adult.

CSIblonde · 29/03/2019 23:58

I'd feel a bit invaded tbh. It's a privacy & territory thing. I'd feel I'd have to lock financial stuff & er other bedroom 'stuff' away.

julensaor · 30/03/2019 00:03

You sound like you miss her somehow, I would not offer this by the way. 2 adults without kids should be well able to manage, you will be their cleaner paid or not, you are really subjugating yourself here to be part of her life. Make it happens different way.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 30/03/2019 00:05

If they decline- I have a little two bed that needs tlc....... I’ll even leave you your fav biscuits and posh tea and coffee😊

Patienceisvirtuous · 30/03/2019 00:09

I’d snap your hand off!!

polkadotpixie · 30/03/2019 00:09

My Mum used to do this for me when I worked 6 days, it was bloody wonderful! I'm sure she'll be very grateful 😊

butterboo · 30/03/2019 01:22

What a lovely gesture! When you offer, just make sure it's to both of them and give them opportunity to say no easily if they are not comfortable with it. Personally I'd love this and a few years ago would have said yes if she'd offered but my Mum is a little frail these days. I pay for a cleaner as both DH and I work FT, kids plus I travel frequently for work which makes things even harder.

YogaWannabe · 30/03/2019 01:26

It depends on your relationship but I would snap your hand off!
Ex MIL and SIL offered similar when DD was a baby though and I was horribly offended (and racked with PND though!)

Fridasrage · 30/03/2019 02:32

I think you sound lovely, and if you don't mind doing it you should offer, emphasising that there's no pressure, that you don't have a problem with her house/it's not coming from a place of criticism but that you see how busy they are and would like to help.

I had a slightly different situation but wanted to share - I went through a rough patch a year ago - My disability suddenly got worse and it coincided with my husband going through a tough time mental health wise. We were both working full time. The house was a disaster - I couldn't for shame hire a cleaner. I called my mum in tears and asked for help and she drove an hour and a half the following Saturday with my grandma in tow (!) and they spent all day helping me sort it out. She never made a thing of it.

Honestly, it makes me emotional thinking about it. It was the most loving and kind act.

polarpig · 30/03/2019 02:40

It's a lovely offer but one that I'd turn down as I wouldn't want anybody else being in my house, especially not my mother.

FineFanks · 30/03/2019 03:26

Really lovely gesture, but a wee bit enabling.

When I was on hols I came back to a fully stocked fridge and a sparkling clean house, courtesy of DM. She’d popped in to check on the house and couldn’t resist giving it a tidy which turned into a full on deep clean.

I really appreciated it, coming home from a late flight. But once a week might be a bit much? Equally I wouldn’t say no!

TwoShades1 · 30/03/2019 03:31

Sounds lovely! I’m sick with hyperemesis gravidarum at the moment and both my parents and my in-laws have helped out a bit as working full time plus doing all the stuff around the house/garden just wasn’t possible for DP. My mum has cleaned twice and done some washing, my dad has done some gardening and my MIL currently has a pile of our ironing. I’m so grateful for their help and know that if we need anything else doing they will help us out.

PregnantSea · 30/03/2019 03:41

OP you sound absolutely lovely. Will you be my mum? Grin

I wouldn't offer to do this though. If my mum offered this I would think she was telling me my house was messy and I couldn't cope. Also I would hate to have her in my house all day snooping around. My mum has form for snooping though, maybe you don't. Just giving my honest opinion here. I'd never want my mum to do this.

Lovely thought though. Maybe offer this when she has a baby? I bet that would go down well!

WhyTho · 30/03/2019 03:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsTSwift · 30/03/2019 06:06

I think it’s very different if you are ill or have just had a baby. That’s a lovely kind act. Drudging regularly for competent adults is messed up. Happy mother’s day unpaid cleaning staff Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread