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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Helping your married dd

406 replies

MrsCasares · 29/03/2019 19:24

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/03/2019 17:11

Mrs casares has been walking on the beach in the Mediterranean

Is that code for something, like "The nightingales are singing in Berkeley Square"?

user1481793247 · 30/03/2019 17:14

My DD works long hours in building her career (she’s 25) and I clean once a week for her. It only takes me a couple of hours - 2 bathrooms, bedroom, kitchen and living room. I offered to do it for free but she insisted she pays me a few pounds. She knows I wouldn’t snoop about. It helps her and I enjoy helping her and the wee bit extra money is for my treats Smile

blueskiesovertheforest · 30/03/2019 17:42

user1481793247 what kind of accommodation has 2 bathrooms but only one bedroom?

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 30/03/2019 17:49

Princeofpies yes I see your point, but I've been in their position, trying to better myself, working, kids, housework e.t.c. My mum helped me and I'm in the fortunate position that I could help them, and get to spend a lot of time with my grandson. We've got a lovely relationship and none of my kids take the mick.

endofthelinefinally · 30/03/2019 17:59

I helped my dd with cleaning when we were all going through a rough time. She was working very hard and needed a bit of support.
I also batch cooked for her freezer. I was happy to do it because I love her and wanted to help. I always asked first to be sure of not overstepping boundaries.
Families should help each other out. Life can be very demanding.
As long as you ask how they both feel about it I think it is fine.

hiyababy · 30/03/2019 18:00

I would love that. Maybe best to word it right so they don't feel they are judged or have to accept

Thisisnotreallymyname · 30/03/2019 18:01

I think that’s a great offer.
When I was younger and training as a teacher,mmy mom came in every Weds to clean my house ( I had 3 young children as well ).
I loved walking in every Weds evening.

1forAll74 · 30/03/2019 18:03

It's a lovely thing to do, I hope they take you up on your offer. Just need to ask what they would like you to do,, as in what jobs,and which rooms etc.

Lovely13 · 30/03/2019 18:04

Now, I would say yes. But when young, no. Sort of implies they’re not coping. Remember my in-laws staying in my flat pre wedding. I cleaned it top to bottom. Then found ma in law cleaning my cleaning! Wish someone would offer to clean my place now though. I hate cleaning!

Loopytiles · 30/03/2019 18:05

No way. Adults can do or pay for their own domestic work.

Loopytiles · 30/03/2019 18:06

If their working hours are unhealthy and / or one of them isn’t pulling their weight at home it also enables that.

Notreallyhappy · 30/03/2019 18:07

Haven't read everyone's messages...
If it were me ud say,, I love you your busy, don't be offended but I want to help by doing some house work for you so you & the Mr can have the weekend off.no if or buts, & plan b come round mine xx

maddiemookins16mum · 30/03/2019 18:07

Offer but let them decide what rooms you’d do. They might prefer the bedroom/bathroom to do themselves iyswim.

gubbsywubbsy · 30/03/2019 18:10

My mum would never clean my house or give me money although she has plenty.. what a nice mum 😍

Springisallaround · 30/03/2019 18:11

My mum does this, she has looked after the children twice a week and then once a week as they got older, and when I come in, the dinner is on the table, she's done the washing up and perhaps a load of washing. She doesn't clean the whole house, just potters around a bit whilst waiting for them to get in from school.

I did a non-well paid professional job for years and I think without my mum's support I would have been unable to continue. She would also come over if one of the children were in.

It's not intrusive to me, but we are very close anyway, talk everyday and so nothing in our house is a secret. She is also a sensitive person, so wouldn't hang around when not wanted or intrude.

She's basically a nice person who has an extremely busy life with friends and holidays, but also made time for us. She wouldn't stop doing anything if she needed to go away, just have a holiday from all of us, it wasn't an obligation. My children adore my mum more than anyone, I think (as she also brings them food, treats, sometimes clothes)!

I'm glad it's like this for us anyway and I think it's stopped me getting too stressed/depressed over the years, I know there's always an additional person there to step in if necessary, I don't feel alone.

Springisallaround · 30/03/2019 18:12

I meant to say if one of the children were ill.

greenpop21 · 30/03/2019 18:18

Oh you sound fab OP. Of course offer. But be prepared that they might say no. I'm a bit private about people cleaning my mess but then again I wouldn't have a cleaner for that reason either.

Caterina99 · 30/03/2019 18:20

Personally I wouldn’t like it. My mum cooked and cleaned for us after I had my kids, and if she comes to stay she’ll offer to do some ironing and cook us some meals which is much appreciated. Full on cleaning the house every week would be a bit much for me

greenpop21 · 30/03/2019 18:22

If they decline the cleaning, could you offer something else , like a home cooked meal in their freezer as others have said. That way you're not intruding so much.

Sleepsoon7 · 30/03/2019 18:24

I would have loved this. My SIL used to clean for one of her DDs who used to pay her for it. Provided you don’t start reading their mail (I’m sure you wouldn’t!) then what a lovely offer x

ShesABelter · 30/03/2019 18:26

Adopt me.

Treacletoots · 30/03/2019 18:31

My MIL does this for us and she also walks our dog, 2 or 3 days a week since we had DD. It is a godsend and we are so grateful. What a lovely gesture.

oldowlgirl · 30/03/2019 18:33

I think it sounds like a lovely offer Op - as long as the offer has no strings & you won't be offended if either your DD or DSIL don't accept, then I'd say definitely make the offer (& FWIW if you were my mum, I'd definitely accept!)

I'm confused by some of the responses on here - your retirement is yours to do as you wish and if cleaning / doing nice things for family make you happy, then why wouldn't you Confused.

Reasontobelieve · 30/03/2019 18:35

My dad used to do this every now and then - and I thought that it was great.

formerbabe · 30/03/2019 18:37

Sorry but I think it's pathetic. No children? Keeping a house clean isn't that difficult and if they're working so much, surely they can afford a cleaner?

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