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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Helping your married dd

406 replies

MrsCasares · 29/03/2019 19:24

Just canvassing opinions as don’t want to be an interfering mum.

Dd and her dh both work full time. Dd gets into work about 7.30am and doesn’t finish until after 7pm. Same goes for her dh.

They have no kids yet.

Aibu to offer to come in on a Friday and clean their house (for free) so they have the weekend to relax.

I am retired so have plenty of me time.

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 29/03/2019 21:57

Where is your pride and self-respect? How on earth can you accept your MOTHER coming into your home after you have flown the nest and doing basic chores for you? Why bother moving out at all, why not embrace multi-generational living?

Oh relax. How can your self esteem be so tied up with drudgery? Isn't there more to your life? OP has lots of free time, her DD has very little - so she's offering to help. When I visit my mum I tend to help out round the house because although she can do everything fine, it's easier for me. If she ever needs help with money I'll give her as much as I can afford to. She would do the same for me. Not because either of us are children but because we're family and like to help each other.

CripsSandwiches · 29/03/2019 21:58

Also there's a massive difference between offering to help in a specific way agreed upon in advance and walking into someone's home and just starting cleaning. The former I'd love the latter I'd hate.

Flaverings · 29/03/2019 21:59

Where is your pride and self-respect? How on earth can you accept your MOTHER coming into your home after you have flown the nest and doing basic chores for you?

I think that's how I feel about it really.

SD1978 · 29/03/2019 22:02

Offer, and if they say no, then that's that. I'd explain that you are happy to, and would be happy to have them leave a list of things they'd like done. If they say no, then nothing has been lost.

Glittery1 · 29/03/2019 22:03

Such a lovely gesture, she's lucky to have you!

MsTSwift · 29/03/2019 22:07

It’s weird and intrusive. I would hate this would make me feel uncomfortable, judged and guilty all at once. Get your own life your dd and her dh can hire a cleaner if they’re that bothered. I would be mortified if my mother did this and sad for her that she had nothing more interesting going on in her own life.

kateandme · 29/03/2019 22:09

aww what a lovely offer.she will know you.if your an interfering mum the rest of the time then it would be a problem.so that is where I think some replys will come from.
but you just sound like you want to help and be lovely.so it is!

kateandme · 29/03/2019 22:11

Where is your pride and self-respect? How on earth can you accept your MOTHER coming into your home after you have flown the nest and doing basic chores for you?

but shes not.shes being kind and helping out.when you cross that line and do it yourself as the norm then anything offered is a gift.and a lovely thing to do.shes not leaving her house to ruin so that her mum comes and cleans up after her again.

BlackSatinDancer · 29/03/2019 22:12

I would leave them to employ a cleaner as they have already mentioned that. You could totally change the family dynamic by cleaning for them. They may feel uncomfortable and unable to turn you down even if they want to.

If you have too much time on your hands then perhaps do some voluntary work if you need purpose or do some cleaning work for strangers.

bridgetosomewhere · 29/03/2019 22:14

Yes! Offer

My mum came over today and ironed all our stuff and hoovered etc.

I loved it. You sound fab op x

LuluJakey1 · 29/03/2019 22:15

My mam used to do this for me - before I met DH. I was a single teacher, workedlong hours and she loved the day out. Got a bus and a metro to my house at the coast (with her free bus pass), called in at the local bakers and bought herself a cream cake. She did the kitchen and hoovered and tidied downstairs, dusted, polished, hoovered the stairs, then sat in the sun in the garden in the afternoon (in summer). She loved the house and liked to help and liked a day away from my dad. I paid her £10 a week (about 15 years ago) which she hated taking.

MsTSwift · 29/03/2019 22:15

It’s not “lovely” it’s weird and sad. Why as a mother would you make yourself an unpaid cleaner?

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 29/03/2019 22:18

Wow, so many conflicting opinions. My mum has offered to do this for me and although it would be lovely to come home to a nice clean house, I hated the idea of my mum scrubbing my floors. It felt like it would be demeaning for her (in my head, not hers) so I politely and reluctantly declined.

fillmyglassplease · 29/03/2019 22:18

You sound lovely op

Paddy1234 · 29/03/2019 22:18

You sound absolutely lovely ❤️
I have friends who get help from there mothers and they are so appreciative.
I would absolutely adore it

FedUpMum40 · 29/03/2019 22:19

I have pride and self respect, my mum used to do this for us, both work full time sometimes more, mum loved helping us out, and picking her gran children up from school, I think it would have upset her if I had ever told her to stop, my nan done it for her and my aunties also, a little help goes along way.

Hazlenutpie · 29/03/2019 22:21

The job of parents is to raise capable, independent adults. I think it’s beyond ridiculous for grown ups having a mum come and clean for them.

The mum in question needs to live her own life. She’s retired and deserves to do all the exciting and interesting things she couldn’t do when she worked.

MsTSwift · 29/03/2019 22:21

I would hate it. My mother worked bloody hard bringing the 3 of us up and working. Now retired she sees her many friends, is in a choir, walks, Zumba, rests, sees her grandchildren on her terms. Hell would freeze over before she cleaned my fucking house - what’s wrong with people thinking this is remotely ok ?

Hazlenutpie · 29/03/2019 22:23

MsTSwift

Very well put!

Osirus · 29/03/2019 22:27

Do it! My mum used to do this for us when me and DH worked full time. She used to come twice a week and do a full clean. She was amazing (she still is even though I work part time now, since having DD. She still cleans one day a week whilst looking after DD AND she makes our lunch for us! Grin

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 22:28

Some strange responses on here.

Everybody is different, some people would be very grateful of having a clean and tidy house for the weekend curtesy of their mum and some would find it intrusive and as some for of criticism of a dirty home!

Only the DD in question knows how she’d feel, all the OP can do is ask her.

SkaterGrrrrl · 29/03/2019 22:28

OP, you sound lively.

You are retired, you are obviously fit and healthy if you are able to keep 2 homes clean.

Why don't you enjoy your good health while you can and do something for yourself? Travel, languages, clubs, hobbies, concerts, volunteering? Join the U3A or start a book club? Foster a kitten. Walk in nature. Take up wine tasting.

I know it's kindly meant but I think there's something a bit heart breaking that you have this time and all you can think to do with it is to do more cleaning?

No one wishes on their deathbed they spent more time scrubbing floors.

Good luck with your retirement. I hope you make the most of it. Flowers

MsTSwift · 29/03/2019 22:29

Plus there are 3 of us 2 of us have large houses. My parents are scrupulously fair. So my parents on this logic would spend at least 3 days a week drudging round cleaning 3 houses?! Wtaf

SkaterGrrrrl · 29/03/2019 22:30

Lovely not lively. Although maybe both.

BlitheringIdiots · 29/03/2019 22:32

My mum did this for us when DS was young. Was so helpful as we both work FT. We used to treat her to things in return. She loved doing it and I just ignored the tidying things into the wrong place. She doesn't do it now as DS is old enough to chip in and we have it all done within a couple of hours on a weekend

I always say to DS that the best gift you can give your busy child is time.

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