To be so incredibly worn down. I am not fun mum

[Wrappleschat82]

I have two dc. Ds is 10 and has ASD.
Dd is 3 and Does. Not. Stop.
She is up at 6am and does not go to sleep until gone 9pm. She dropped her nap at 12 months old and doesn’t seem to need much sleep. She’s just 3 and I cannot get her into the preschool nursery at my son’s school until September.
It is absolutely relentless. 7 days a week, 15 hours a day. I am so very tired - also my house is an absolute tip. Dd is gorgeous but she is always ‘on’. Like most 3 year olds I suppose, she isn’t super physically active like ds was but she wants someone to play with all the time, every second of the day. Trying to get things like ironing done is just impossible and I get no break in the evening because by the time she’s finally asleep and ds js in bed I’m ready for bed myself.
I just want some breathing space so badly. I’m really disappointed in the type of mother I am - I am not fun. I am tired and worn down and so so so bored. I am typing this in the bathroom but dd is sat the other side of the door shouting for me.

I love my dc but I have lost myself absolutely.

Sorry - it’s a moan really. I know it’ll pass. School is only really 18 months away and preschool will be good come September. It’s just really really hard work right now.

Jesus he doesn’t help you and he works from home?! What the hell is the point of this arsehole?

Felix - the op hasn't recognised her dh is abusive, but it seems that way from the details she's given.

Yeah your partner sounds mental

I would say that a person who makes slit throat actions in front of their children when they are crying is not very nice. I think it will help Op more if she gets some help and support around her partners behaviour rather than hints about play. That type of support is useful too but there is an elephant in the room that no one is talking about. So far we know that her partner offers no support despite knowing she is struggling, goes out a lot knowing she is struggling, does not allow any noise when he is in and makes the gesture described above when children are crying. I think op needs to know this is not ok and that there are people who can help with this.

Sorry, but he just sounds bad tempered.. Not abusive.

The throat slitting is surely the universally accepted action for stfu when you're on the phone and can't speak. Bad manners definitely, but not abusive.

If the kids are too noisy for him he needs to find somewhere else to work. Me and dh both work from home. You can't have loads of noise in the background when you're on a conference call or trying to concentrate.

You also can't help with the kids when you're working.

There's a few very separate issues here.

Needing outside support with the kids.

Support from dh.

Making time for yourself.

I sympathise OP, DD was like this, well she still is but she's at school now so only the evening to contend with & I get everything else done during the day. Do you have any friends with little ones the same age? My friend & I used to alternate & have the others child to play one afternoon each week so it meant an afternoon alone in the house & an afternoon with the two kids playing together so I could get more done.... it was an absolute god send

Mine is like this but much happier now she's at nursery full time. She was bored at home and saw me as her playmate (only child). Children crave attention and company but you don't have to play for hours! I play for half an hour then do my jobs (ignoring the whining) then play a bit more.

Do you arrange play dates so she has the company of other children? Go to toddler groups?

Is going back to work an option, so she can go to nursery?

If DH works from home why can’t he do parenting in the evenings?

I would definitely look at some form of childcare to give you a break.

I assume your DH is not helping his DC acknowledge Morher’s Day tomorrow?

OP I feel for you. My 3 yr old DS wants me to do that talking toys thing and I’m a mean parent but I now just flat out refuse cos I can’t stand it. I also have an 18m old who will try to grab it out of my hand anyway, so the whole process is torture. Fortunately DH is more patient with that kind of thing (as he works full time, and so will indulge occasionally)

Things that help my sanity -
Nursery for the oldest. Don’t worry about different settings, kids are surprisingly adaptable. It’s a long 6 months until September
Quiet time - when DD naps after lunch then DS does quiet time in his room. He usually plays with his toys and I can hear him talking his various scenarios. Took a while to build up to it, but he does an hour a day
iPad- DS loves it. Lots of educational content as well as tv programs etc.
Zero tolerance for destroying my work, making a mess etc. I have enough of that from the little one.
Full schedule of activities so they’re tired out and I get as much adult interaction as possible - but sounds like you do that already

But most importantly my DH does his share on evenings and weekends. Your DH is a major problem here

So your life essentially consists of keeping your children out of your partner's way, during those times when he is actually at home?

You spend very little time indoors relaxing in your own home or enjoying the feeling of getting something accomplished because you have this pressure to keep the children quiet, so it's best to stay out, filling time and trying to keep anxious children distracted from the home situation.

You are exhausted because it's all completely full on all the time, and you have this massive elephant in the room grinding you down, your so-called partner, who is treating you like the hired help, treating the children as if they are just nuisances, and essentially telling them and you that it is beneath him to spend time with any of you.

Your problem is your partner really. What he is doing is abusive.
I have a partner but he doesn’t do much with the kids. He works long hours, is away quite a bit and when he’s here he goes out a lot. He will be out all evening tonight and put all tomorrow. He will be around Sunday morning but that’s about it.
You say you are disappointed in yourself, that you are not the mother you hoped you would be.

Are you disappointed in this useless waste of space you call a partner? Disappointed in him as a partner or as a father to the DCs?

Did you have hopes at some point that the two of you would be able to work together as parents in a way that resulted in everyone feeling respected and honoured and cherished and loved? Do you feel any of that now, with him as a co-parent?

She sounds very much like my son, but unlike you the word no features very heavily in our lives. I have a strip of velcro on the wall in the living room and we stick our daily timetable on it. He knows if the picture is a man sat down he has to essentially leave me alone. The only downside is that it has made him obsessed with time!

We also have timed play, so I use a timer on my phone, when it goes off it is time for me to stop playing and he can continue on his own. I also never do as he says in play, he needs to know he can’t demand his own way. Yes he sometimes cries or complains that I’m not doing what he is saying, but it is teaching him a good lesson and he soon gets over it when he realises tears won’t work.

She does sound overtired, four hours in a soft play will just make her too excited/stimulated to be able to calm herself down.

No advice on the partner as my twat moved out yesterday (not my sons parent).