To be so incredibly worn down. I am not fun mum

[Wrappleschat82]

I have two dc. Ds is 10 and has ASD.
Dd is 3 and Does. Not. Stop.
She is up at 6am and does not go to sleep until gone 9pm. She dropped her nap at 12 months old and doesn’t seem to need much sleep. She’s just 3 and I cannot get her into the preschool nursery at my son’s school until September.
It is absolutely relentless. 7 days a week, 15 hours a day. I am so very tired - also my house is an absolute tip. Dd is gorgeous but she is always ‘on’. Like most 3 year olds I suppose, she isn’t super physically active like ds was but she wants someone to play with all the time, every second of the day. Trying to get things like ironing done is just impossible and I get no break in the evening because by the time she’s finally asleep and ds js in bed I’m ready for bed myself.
I just want some breathing space so badly. I’m really disappointed in the type of mother I am - I am not fun. I am tired and worn down and so so so bored. I am typing this in the bathroom but dd is sat the other side of the door shouting for me.

I love my dc but I have lost myself absolutely.

Sorry - it’s a moan really. I know it’ll pass. School is only really 18 months away and preschool will be good come September. It’s just really really hard work right now.

Get an iPod and discrete earphones and go for loooong walks in the fresh air whilst you are engrossed in great podcasts. The park, feed the ducks etc. She by all rights should sleep longer with fresh air and exercise.

I found that sitting and narrating - rather than actually joining in IYSWIM - was a good gateway to playing independently.
So saying "Oh that's a lovely farm, look the horse is going over the fence, aren't you doing well playing on your own" and sitting on the sofa with your phone and a cup of tea. Even telling her "now you're going to play on your own for 10 minutes till the beeps go" or get a 10 minute sand timer.

My 3 year old is like this, barely sleeps or stops. The only reason I have any sanity is 3 glorious days at work a week with her in nursery.

I would suggest

1.Child proof locks on the drawers and cupboards, so she can't empty them
2.You taking control of some of the games, i.e. we are sorting out the washing, she can match socks and fold them and put them into drawers.

1. let her have a duster to help with dusting
2. more socialising with other children, let them play together and let your daughter learn about taking turns.
3. Have a quiet time after lunch, she sits down with her dollies 'puts them down for a sleep, reads them a story' while you have a cup of tea and MN.

I agree with PP, you can't just play with her all the time.

Seriously, ADD. I am going to give you a big unmunetty hus {{{}}}}

Your "P" is useless so why not divorce him? {There are plenty of men out there who love fucking skinny/average/small titted/big fat girls. }

I remember those days well of "mummy where are yo?" "I'm on the toilet darling" "Can you hurry up because my robot needs help"

Can I just say about settling her for a term...definitely try. She’s obv wanting interaction and stimulation - I thought same about my son but he now loves it - good luck!

You need a break x

Can you ask your partner to get home early 2 nights a week and be home and around more at the weekend?

I do appreciate if he won’t do this it’s a pointless exercise (my ex promised and never delivered, hence part of why he’s an ex)

It’s making little dolls talk to each other (although she usually tells me what they have to say anyway)

I know you're absolutely exhausted at it all, but ^ this made me LOL, that so cute

One day you'll hopefully look back and be able to pick out the nice bits even if it's relentless atm

You sound such a lovely mother, but you sound like a single mother. You don't say why your partner won't change and does so little, but I wonder why you put up with it? Honestly, it isn't on. He is her father and should be pulling his weight, supporting you and being a proper partner, not just someone who lives there when he feels like it. You are worth a lot more than settling for this.
Your daughter sounds lovely. Hang on in there until she's at nursery and then things will get easier. I do agree that that perhaps you are letting her run rings round you a bit and it isn't good for either of you. She needs to know that sometimes Mummy needs a rest and some space. Does she have any friends you can invite round to play with her?
Would audio books work? Settle her down with a drink and a snack and stick on a story. 'Mummy is busy now, you have a nice time listening to the story' and go and have a coffee and stare out of the window for a bit. No wonder you are exhausted.

An earlier bedtime would help a lot, so perhaps start bringing her bedtime back by ten minutes every night. Audio books might work there too, a colourful nightlight, whatever, but tell her firmly 'It's time for bed now, and we don't get up until the morning'. She needs to learn to play by herself sometimes.

Just to flag up to you the possibility that your daughter could also have ASD. It presents differently in girls.

On the surface, you could be describing imaginative play with the dolls for example. However, it sounds more like the narrow obsessive play that girls with ASD sometimes show; they are trying to re-enact social scenarios over and over again, in order to make some sort of sense of them.

I just want to say OP I think you're amazing you deserve a medal and a break.

I can really relate to what you say except i have a supportive DH. No idea how I would cope if I didn't have that.

I have 4 and 2yo DDs (4yo does 15hrs at preschool, I'm a sahm) they both love small world play, are not interested in the tv, crafts and messy play take longer to set up and clean up than they actually spend playing with it and they always want me to play with them. I play with them for a little bit and then once they're set up I withdraw and start doing my own thing. But they soon realise I'm not there and come and find me and hang off me begging me to play with them. I have to stand firm and say no but it makes me feel so guilty. I explain i have jobs to do and they can help me. So if I'm washing up I give them a tea towel each and pass them things to dry and put away. If I'm cooking i give them pasta to put in the saucepan. If I'm hanging up washing they pass me the pegs. I think they just love being with me which sounds the same for your DD so take comfort from that, you are fun mum! Playing small world stuff for longer than 5 minutes with her, you are a saint! It's so boring! I often put the radio on our the tv on (something i want to watch) with subtitles to keep me sane while bouncing little playmobile people around saying "hello" in a high pitched voice every now and again!

My DH works long hours but when he's home it is 50/50 with cleaning OUR house and looking after OUR children. Can you just plan something for when you know he's not working and just go and leave him to it. You really need a break, you're running on empty.

And failing that there is light at the end of the tunnel with September!

Just to echo what @SlowDown76mph says, how you've described your dd is exactly my dd at that age, particularly the rigid imaginative play. My dd was diagnosed with asd aged 6. Could you talk to your health visitor?

Hey, I feel the same. DS is 9 and ADHD and daughter is 15 months - both require constant attention and I have to be best friend to both. It's very intense and exhausting. Im completely touched out by the end of the day. It's 24/7, I never get a break or any me time so I feel like a complete scruff most days. It's shit but as you say it's temporary. Chin up sistah

Also wanted to say that you're doing a fab job. I'm also a sahm and it is absolutely relentless with my dh helping when he gets home. I've got a 2.8yr old ds who is constantly on the go, he's never really slept well so I'm always tired! My saviour is the 6 hrs a week he does to preschool, which I pay for as he doesn't get his funded hours until Sept. Took a while to settle him there as he'd always been with me but he loves it now. You're doing an incredible job mama!

I’d definitely try and get her into a non-term-time nursery before she swaps in September if you can afford it! Agree not much point if they’re going to bread up in June, but with DS off in the summer (presumably) it would be nice to still send DD in to nursery some days and have a rest and 1:1 with DS?

You sound lovely but OP for your own sake you need to woman up and sort this.
Tell P how you feel, he is an arse and is taking you for a mug. Tell P you are going out next weekend for the day and go off by yourself. If this cant become a regular thing then you need to get rid of him.
Build a support network for yourself, I know you say you are not sociable but maybe a yoga class/art or running club? Or invite a mum from your toddler group out for a coffee.
Stop giving in to your DD, she sounds like she has never heard the word no. You are doing her no favours and she will struggle when she starts school if she csnt follow instructions and expects people to do what she says all the time. I would worry she will turn into a bully if her behaviour isnt nipped in the bud.

buy some big sand timers or a digital cooking timer and start with 5 mins.

Definitely put her in another childcare setting until she starts pre-school. You need this for your sanity.

I am a SAHM, Ds1 originally went to a nursery 3 days a week because I worked 3 days, we relocated due to Dh's job and I became a SAHM. We put Ds1 in nursery still for 1 day a week, increased it to 2 when I gave birth to Ds2. A few months later he moved onto pre-school at 3 at the primary school.

Ds2 went into a playschool from 2 years old for 2 mornings a week for 2 hours. I am also introvert Ds2 (now 13) is extrovert. It was a life saver for me. He then went to pre-school attached to the primary school at 3.

He had had severe reflux so had spent the best part of a year attached to me. I needed a break.

Put your daughter into a nursery or with a childminder and swap her over at 3. She will be fine.

I feel your pain ( and frustration)my eldest dd is 9 and has autism. My middle ds is 5 and no learning problems. Both kids were dream toddlers- they slept well, did not back chat, rarely had tantrums and were just 'nice'.
Then comes dd2. She is 19 months. I love her to pieces but,my word ,she is a complete rascal. ( in fact if you ask her name she will say 'ra' or 'ra cal' for rascal) she is very bright and bores easily. She insists on walking everywhere so shopping is a nightmare especially as she loves to pull stuff off the shelves and stack the tins. Her latest stunt is to get on the floor and lie down or start crawling and shout 'help help' when we try to pick her up and don't forget her cries of 'egg egg' when she spots the Easter eggs in store and we cannot get her ways from the toy isles. Also she tries to climb out of the trolley at the checkout if we have managed to keep her in there in the first place.
She won't go down the baby slide at the park, it must be the big slide and she likes to get ds into trouble by pretending he has taken her toys.
She will not nap and is now a fussy eater who loves to get messy but then gets upset because her hands and face are messy, and don't forget her love of throwing her water and food all over the table and floor and shouting 'out out' when she has finished but the rest of us are still eating. Her late stint is throwing food. And the look of joy in her eyes when she pulls her brothers hair is scary. But she is healthy, happy and we wouldn't have her any other way really( we just want to improve her manners) She will start pre school in September and hopefully burn off some steam.

Hi

My nephew was like this, no asd etc he was just entertained and indulged by my dsis from birth! She too reached exhaustion point and stopped doing it, he is much better now.

I think you just need to bite the bullet op and stop entertaining her all day, for your sake and hers.

Being completely honest, it sounds like you're in danger of over-stimulating her. No wonder she's like a coiled spring, and exhausted. She should be having far more sleep than she is, and the problem with continual exhaustion is that their behaviour gets more and more manic. Four hours in soft play would wind most kids into an utter frenzy that they'd never come down from.

You both need to wind down, in the kindest way. Stop constantly occupying her else she will never learn to do it herself, and that way you get some headspace. Start slowly, you won't change it overnight but try "Mummy is having a cup of tea and isn't playing while she drinks it" and just keep going. Perhaps make her a drawer that she can empty, that's just hesr and you can rotate the things that are in there. It also helps having toys boxed and rotating them so she's not overwhelmed by a whole load that she doesn't know what to do with. You need to engage her focus more.

It's really hard being a parent to a toddler. We've all been there. And it does get better.

Can you try to physically exhaust your three year old?

I also recommend the book Playful Parenting.

I have a simmilar 3 year old. It is really wearing. I have negociated that he needs to leave me alone when I am ‘having a cup of tea’ which gives me 5 minutes off. I also negociate playing games as a reward for ‘helping’ i.e. handing me the pegs when hanging out washing. DS has his own feather duster which he takes round when I hoover. Then we ‘take turns’ so one ‘mummy job’ then a game. Everything takes ages though doing it this was so the house is still a tip but it does help a bit!

Aside from that It sounds like you really need to make use of your 15 hours. I wouldn’t worry too much about a new setting, especially if it is with a childminder. DS is quite shy and had quite a difficult first term, ge then transferred to a different setting ( in the same preschool) and has loved it. I was very worried after the first term but in fact the practice of the first setting has set him up for the main pre school.

Oh, that and getting your DDs DF to do his share. - good luck with that. Can you just head out and leave them too it?

Nursery / preschool does make a big difference a) because you have some time away and b) because they have other children and adults to play with all day long. My 3 year old is actually quite good at being able to entertain himself but it still feels relentless so I can imagine how worn you are feeling :-( use your free hours for nursery if you get them x

Sympathies, it's so hard when they're like this. I taught mine the bus stop game. You wait for a bus. If they wanted, they could have a chair. In reality it meant five to ten minutes of lining up semi-quietly whilst I ran into the kitchen and made a cup of tea sobbed.
Dollies can play too...