To be so incredibly worn down. I am not fun mum

[Wrappleschat82]

I have two dc. Ds is 10 and has ASD.
Dd is 3 and Does. Not. Stop.
She is up at 6am and does not go to sleep until gone 9pm. She dropped her nap at 12 months old and doesn’t seem to need much sleep. She’s just 3 and I cannot get her into the preschool nursery at my son’s school until September.
It is absolutely relentless. 7 days a week, 15 hours a day. I am so very tired - also my house is an absolute tip. Dd is gorgeous but she is always ‘on’. Like most 3 year olds I suppose, she isn’t super physically active like ds was but she wants someone to play with all the time, every second of the day. Trying to get things like ironing done is just impossible and I get no break in the evening because by the time she’s finally asleep and ds js in bed I’m ready for bed myself.
I just want some breathing space so badly. I’m really disappointed in the type of mother I am - I am not fun. I am tired and worn down and so so so bored. I am typing this in the bathroom but dd is sat the other side of the door shouting for me.

I love my dc but I have lost myself absolutely.

Sorry - it’s a moan really. I know it’ll pass. School is only really 18 months away and preschool will be good come September. It’s just really really hard work right now.

I started doing small bouts of "quiet time" once my youngest dropped their nap and I would set a timer on the oven. It took a while for them to accept but quiet time they have to do something on their own until the timer beeps. If she can understand numbers counting backwards then she can check how many minutes are left. I now get 30 mins quiet time every day where I can do my own thing. You have to keep referring them to the timer (and "blame" the timer, not you) but eventually she might settle into playing on her own. Could also reward her with something at the end which could be equivalent amount of time making dolls talk to each other (I'm with you on this one, drives me utterly insane!).

I would also suggest getting her in her bedroom early even if she's not going to sleep. Work towards her playing / "reading" in her room for short while before bed. Does your eldest read before bed to himself? You could frame it as now she's older she does something similar to big brother?

Any chance of local teenager coming in for an hour whilst you're there to play with her?

A small random thought about sleeping as I just read it in a book. Does she sleep with a night light? If so this might be disturbing her sleep. Apparently if you swap the bulb for a red one it can help children sleep longer as the red light doesn’t give their brains the same stimulation.

Also do you work?
I find that I "don't mind" the boring play as much at the weekend when I've had adult time at work.

My little boy wouldn't play by himself, we bought a 5, 10, 15 and 20 minute egg timers and built up to him playing for 20 mins on his own for various treats, sometimes I'd lay out the train track or something with him and so right now you need to play with this by yourself until the same goes through, other times I'd leave him to pick. I was resolute and would not entertain him at all during this time. Sometimes he'd literally sit and watch the sand go through, but he did stay playing by himself and it was well worth the effort.

Be kind to yourself, you've got it really high at the moment but it will get easier.

I agree, Sunday mornings he can either take her to the park or somewhere like the supermarket for lunch so you can have a break. He's her father, he needs to do more.

I'm abroad, but when she was little, my daughter used to go to a playroom run by the elderly in my city one morning a week. It was just a small thing, but it gave me a break. Look for anything you can do with her, swimming classes, playgroup, etc.

I know it's not ideal, but will she watch YouTube? My daughter didn't like TV, but she loved YouTube.

Yes OP you have lost yourself and you are letting everyone else needs overrule yours

Boundaries are needed for your daughter and your partner not just accepting things won’t change

You would be better leaving him as I assume he would want access, which would give you a break. Forget the pre school, childminder, bored teenager etc just leave him then you will be much better off.

Invite one of the other playgroup mums to yours for a cuppa. The kids play together, the mums drink tea on the couch.

Your dh needs to step up they are his kids too. He should be spending time with them on his own taking them out somewhere. You say he won’t change his ways but unless you force his hand off course he won’t change. Book a nighttime class, make plans and tell him he is there father and will be caring for them.

You sound lovely but to soft. Stop pandering to your DD she NEEDS to learn to play on her own and too understand social rules. If she doesn’t other kids will not want to play with her in a year or two.

I am (thankfully) a long way past this stage with teenagers but can completely understand how you must be feeling. It's easy for anyone looking in to say your DH needs to step up but only you know your individual circumstances and why this may or may not be possible and if you should be pushing for this more. The only thing I would say is 3 to post 18 is a very long time and if you are doing it alone now you might want to think if you really want that life for yourself or for your children.

Parenting really doesn't get any easier as the children get older, it's just different. I have recently read a book called Positive Discipline for Teenagers and in doing so have realised just how much you need get right early on in order to effectively deal with teenagers. I believe there is a book designed for earlier years. You (as many of us are ) would be considered an enabler to your dd's behaviour and it's having a massive negative effect on you both. It is okay to say no you are not going to do something even if in reality it goes against your natural instincts. Constantly putting your ds's needs above everyone else's in the house is not good for anyone and sets her up for a lifetime of entitlement.

I would recommend sitting her down with a suitable clock and showing her the early concept of time. Explain how long you are going to play with her and then stop at exactly that time - no exceptions. Explain you have some time to play with her, some time to spend with your DS, sometime to get chores done and some time for yourself. It's going to take planning and strength from you to implement and follow through and I can completely empathise you are probably locked in a viscous circle where you don't feel strong enough to do that.

As others have commented and if financially it is possible, finding a local teenager who is happy to get down on the floor and play with her (completely hear you on that front, I am much more of a logic person and have little imagination) could give you some time to do other things.

Trying to get through until September isn't really a solution and you need a break way before then. If you are a functioning wreck it won't take much to tip you over the edge. For your own sanity and therefore the happiness of you all do something now to change things, however small.

Churches all seem to do Dads' groups on a weekend (with decent coffee and biscuits, unlike the mums' ones...) I'm afraid your DP sounds rather useless but if he claims there's nothing to take her to, there are those. We are not religious but my goodness we appreciated those groups!!

Regarding the time hanging heavy after school - now the weather's nicer you could take sandwiches to pick up and take them to the park for a couple of hours instead of straight home? Do your DS and DD play together at all? Can DS be bribed with Lego or whatever to play more with DD?

The other top tip is to structure your day like a pre school teacher. Write a list of activities in half hour blocks the night before. If you know the imaginative play will end in 30 mins it will be more bearable.

Ok, so she can want you to play all the time but it doesn't mean you have to. As pp's have said she won't be able to manipulate others in the real world so you are doing her no favours pandering to her.
Anyway she will get a better quality you, if you are 100% focused for shorter periods of time.

Seeing an alarm for time to play with mummy, then setting it again for mummy's time should work. It will take get a while to get used to the new regime so ignore the crying and sulking. Don't react angrily just calmly repeat "i will play with you when the alarm goes off. Mummy needs to do mummy things now" Repeat 100 times calmly if necessary. Start with short 10 minute chunks then build up gradually to more time for you.

I also used to say that 7.30 is bedtime. I'd get her ready for bed at that time (or whenever you prefer) and say that it's bedtime and that you are happy for her to read or play quietly in her bedroom if she's not sleepy but that she's not to come downstairs. At least that way you get some peace. Take her back up if she comes down but don't interact anymore other than calmly saying "it's bedtime". You may need to do this incessantly until she gets the message. But if she gets no interaction/reaction from you then you will be boring and not worth bothering.

Good luck. The key is being consistent and very, very calm. It will take a while to undo all the bad habits but it's worth persevering for your own sanity.

And yes to the extended bath times. Invest in some very engaging bath toys and washable food colouring. Randomly (and DD may be too young) we have found a marble run provides hours of entertainment and us quite mesmerising.

You've kind of dismissively said your DP won't change but have you really sat down and spoken to him about this? What's he doing all evening and all day today that he couldn't drop to help you? You really need to not be a martyr here and speak to him.

First of all you are not a shit mother, not at all. I have been raising my son singlehandedly for years no family around either, It is relentless. I admit OP there were days I shut myself in the bathroom for a while just to have a rest from the demands and the chattering.

I understand that she wants to play but you also need to do your work (or breathe). 3 years old is old enough to understand you need some space, if she was in nursery she would understand that there are times to play and some times when she just needs to entertain herself for other things to happen. Be very consistent with the rules and do not break them once and they will eventually get it. I had one about not walking into the kitchen floor area while I had the cooker on, and no getting into the bathroom while I was using it (to take a break). These helped reduce the stress a bit.

Try to get her at least a morning in nursery if you can and founding is available, you need that to catch up with yourself and keep your sanity. Do not even feel guilty about it because you are not working, keeping an eye on a hyper kid is far more stressful than any stressful job I have done away of work.

With regards toundoing your work (making a mess/ empty drawers) how do you deal with that when it happens?

Oh God, I remember the utter utter boringness of small world play.
In the end, I explained that I would play for 10 minutes, then I was going to have a cup of tea (wash up, whatever). Then I would really concentrate and throw myself into the game for 10 minutes, (set a timer). After that, I would stick to my guns and have 'my' 10 minutes. It took some training and wasn't easy, but over time, she did understand that I meant it and it got easier.
Also, lots and lots of time outside, firstly, there was no bloody playmobile to have to 'be' and it seemed to dilute some of her chatter, just being outside.

Hats off to you op. I consider myself a fun mum and I managed about 30 seconds a day for about a week playing role play games. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. You are amazing for doing that for so long.
You HAVE to stop putting so much effort in as silly as it sounds. She needs to learn to play on her own, and you need a break. I did 'play, chore, play, chore...' so, I'd play, then I'd go and do a chore - sometimes it was a chore, sometimes it was simply hiding with a cup of tea. As they had no idea of the time, if they were playing nicely, (I would hide and listen) I'd leave them playing as long as I possibly could.

Also, I have no idea why you are so accepting of your partner doing nothing. Can you explain that?

It IS incredibly hard being responsible for small children all day. Society often sells us messages like “just” being at home. There really is nothing “just” about it. I’ve been a SAHM and a working mum. Like many mums, work felt like a break even though it had all sorts of stresses. So my first advice would be to fully acknowledge how hard it objectively is. You have a child with SEN and a toddler all the time. That is HARD. When you find it hard, don’t think “I’m failing” just soothe yourself with “yes, it is bloody difficult. I’m amazing to do this every day”. I find this really helps with the internalised undermining of caring for children.

Secondly, find someone, anyone really, who will really really listen to you. No judgements, no advice, no “have you tried x,y,z”. Just listen.

Those two small things won’t chnage your circumstances, but will change how you feel. Promise.
In the meantime, hats off and respect to you.

I’m just not good at the sort of play she wants to do.
I can do books and board games and jigsaws and making things - I can even do craft, with glitter

This is my mum. Except not the glitter

Mum returned to work and I had excellent childcare, and evenings/weekends we did ‘things’ like long walks, park visits, swimming, books, arts and crafts.

Mum was amazing. I’m so glad she played to her strengths.

Apart from her dad stepping up - can you do ‘something’ with her every week day and tire her out?

Swimming
Tumble tots
Playgroup
Some kind of music thing
Play in the park and hopefully she’ll play with other little children

I feel that npt only do you come last in the family, but that you have out of exhaustion accepted this as your place.

Your partner sounds useless, and needs to actually act like he's part of the family. Don't be afraid of rocking the boat, but you seriously need to have that chat with him. Your expectations are so low :-(

And your little girl really needs to work towards more independent play for both her benefit and yours. Set timers, say no, whatever works, but its not doing her any favours pandering to it and no wonder you're exhausted.

You have got a really hard age gap too. Nothing you can do about that, but anyone would be finding that age gap hard.

I'm extending a massive cuddle to you from the other side of the internet.

I'm at home with a 2yo and a baby and have an older child at school. My 2yo sounds similar to your 3yo - very very full on and wants to be involved in everything, although she will play on her own and my DH does help (I still don't get a rest though as we're so busy). I'm totally burnt out.

Will she help with housework? I get my 2yo hoovering, tidying and dusting. She likes it because we do it together. Outdoor play is a winner too - slide in garden and water in water table and she'll do these things on her own. Do you have a garden? Will she do those things on her own. What about a giant baking tray full of pasta/lentils/rice with various pots etc? Trampoline?

It's tricky when you have an older child. I try and focus on burning energy at the end of the day. So maybe park before school pick up and then again on the way home and then into the garden at home. Maybe get her to help with dinner. If she likes being with you can you sort of direct her to doing your things.

I think you might have to be harsh. I often have to say no to my 2yo or to wait a minute or after I've done x job. She's got used to it over time. Nothing is instant but little and often the get the message...although all children are different of course.

My dd was like this at 3. I became ill with anxiety over it eventually.

Nothing ever worked. Not playing for short times, not starting them off and leaving, nothing. Even saying no didn’t help, because she would kind of drag you in without you realising. We used to call her he spider in the web when this happened.

She’s 13 now. She’s very much a people person, needs to be around others a lot. But she’s mainly delightful. It will pass eventually. I promise

OP my DD slept more but was hard work in day. She's super charged and not easily entertained I am sorry if I missed it but you need to buy in help. . child minder even a few hours a week so you know you have that break.