AIBU to think my DM is making work for me or am an ungrateful sod

[grumpydaughter]

DM has always behaved like this but it's starting to grate me since having a baby before Christmas.

We are currently doing some building work and are without a kitchen (using utility and garage, have a camping stove, etc). Mum, trying to be helpful, made us a soup but didn't have time to blend it, so had to find my blender out of the chaos and blend it as she kept asking if we'd ate it and enjoyed it. I was annoyed as I'd rather she didn't do things like this that makes extra work for us, I would have just done something from a tin or got takeaway. Instead had the faff of washing and putting away food processor.
I've been surviving on 4 hours sleep, am at the end of my tether with everything.
Went to meet her for coffee on her lunchbreak, she had bought me a coat off the market (she is constantly buying me clothes even though I ask her not to as she rarely buys me anything I like) on her way to work. She showed it to me and I said I didn't like them, but instead of her saying she would return them she asked that I went myself. I had again had 4 hours sleep, I had already told her this before the coat thing came up, I must have looked like shite and it was tipping it down.
So I had to walk down the other end of town in the rain, baby in the pram, to return this bastard coat. I told the bloke half joking to not sell her anything else if it's for me.
She is constantly buying me any old shite from charity shops, this has been my whole life, and I now tell her to not do it. She ignores me and does it anyway. I have 2 bin bags full of charity shop stuff from her, for me and baby. I used to take it back to charity shops to donate but don't have time anymore, so now I am saving it to take to a women's refuge, as a lot of it is fine, just either not my style or wrong size, or I don't want it for my baby.
AIBU and ungrateful? I just feel like she has forgotten what it's like to have a baby and feel exhausted and not want extra hassle.

And, it's pretty clear she's never valued your time and effort and has always seen you as her arms and legs for the shitty jobs.

Your DC needs and values your time, effort, presence and focus. Prioritise your DC, over a selfish woman who cares little for your feelings.

I think if someone persists in buying you things you don't want and you've tried to make it clear to them then you need another strategy to cope with it. You haven't been able to stop her - I have had a similar problem with my gran in the past. However, you can't control what people do - you can control your reaction.

Sounds harsh but have 2 boxes: one is "dump" and one is "sell". If she gives you anything then as soon as you come in put it in the right box. Then either sell it on ebay or whatever and at least you get something for your trouble. Or you dump it. If she gives you foods that's an automatic dump in the bin obviously! If you stop giving it head space or do something profitable with it then it won't be bad.

Point out that if she put even half the amount she spends into a savings account (or hell even a jam jar under the bed!) that she would have saved enough to buy dc their first car and how much cooler she would be for being responsible for that than spending a lot of money circulating charity shop junk from one charity to another with no benefit to her gd or you.

Or even just spending the amount equivalent built up once a year on a nice toy for the garden or a single nice toy/set of books/etc that can be really cherished.

And then every time she brings another bag of tat do the dementia thing and point out the running total of how much she has wasted/thrown away to give it an extra punch.

At the moment there are no negative consequences for her - she gets the fun of shopping & you get the chore of getting rid of it. Even if you put it in the bin in front of her, that’s still you having the ‘guilt’ of throwing it away.

If she comes by car then put it straight back in the car for her to take away plus any other stuff she has left. Otherwise take it back to her house & dump it in her hall. Feel free to add any of your own stuff that needs recycling. If she tries to say she hasn’t got time to deal with it then the correct reply is:
‘Rubbish, you spend half your life in charity shops. And if you stop buying it then you won’t have to waste your time taking it back.’
Blah, blah, blah
‘Look Mum, if you want to pay oxfam £5 to be allowed to carry a bag of their stuff around for a couple of days before taking it back again, that’s up to you. But I haven’t got the time or energy to join in your weird game, so stop buying me stuff.’

Wow thanks for all the replies! I have just read them all and actually agree with what everyone has said. @lottiegarbanzo she is definitely a disorganised dreamer. She makes grand plans but never thinks of the details or logistics.
I like the idea of keeping a running total (as she leaves tags on) and showing her how much she has spent over a month. It wouldn't work to say buy dc something I want new as she would see buying new as wasteful when you can get nearly new for a lot cheaper with kids stuff and I agree, but definitely asking her to put it in savings for a car, etc.
Also, yes, @Bagpuss5 I think she does have a shopping addiction, and has always had a shopping addiction, this is potentially outing but when my and brother were little, maybe about 7 and 9 we were out clothes shopping in town for literally 6 hours with Mum, she got fed up of us moaning so took us to the bus station and asked a random man to make sure we got off at the right stop and gave us a key so she could carry on shopping. She loves shopping so I think this is just her carrying on the addiction.

Just say that you appreciate the thought but the items aren't needed and that maybe she could donate them to a local shelter or baby group if children's things.

I agree with the poster who said to have boxes. I’d have one and write on it in big marker pen DUMP

I’d put the items in it when she gave them to me. I she complained I’d say “I’ve told you hundreds of time we don’t want anymore stuff. You can take it with you or it’ll be going in the bin.”

Once the box is full put an add on gumtree “bag of stuff - free to collector” or sell for a fiver or whatever and be done with it.

I wouldn’t tell her that part - I’d let her think it was all going in the bin.

When she charity shops, does she ever keep anything she keeps for herself? I have a vision of her finding the really good things and keeping them, then spotting something that's a bit tatty, or she doesn't need/want..."I'll give it to grumpydaughter and be the bountiful grandparent". It doesn't matter if you want/like it - she feels the need to buy it and doesn't want it herself.

So you don't want/need it... but she doesn't either. That means when she offers you something (e.g. gillet), say no and suggest she keeps it. You can turn the conversation around on her - "why don't you want it, Mum?", "don't you like it?" etc. (With baby stuff you can suggest it's stored at her house instead of yours.)

Essentially, if she's allowed to say 'no' to this stuff, so are you.

Just say that you appreciate the thought but the items aren't needed and that maybe she could donate them to a local shelter or baby group if children's thing

That’s a good idea. I might say when I saw her, not necessarily when she brought crap over “oh mum there’s this shelter that are desperate for clothes and toys. I wish I had time to shop for them, they’d be so grateful” maybe you could palm off her addiction on to a place that might use some of the crap?

Just put it on fb, someone who runs a stall might sell them and give you something for them. Contact your local charity shops as some do a collection. There is a clothes bank in one carpark near me.

Keep a tally of what's she is spending. Refuse to take anymore- tell her no means no.

@LannieDuck no she buys A LOT of stuff for herself. To give you an idea, she still lives in the 3 bed house I grew up in, and has technically 2 dressing rooms. One of the bedrooms has 4 wardrobes in it, and the other has 1, plus about 4 chests of drawers... all full of her clothes, shoes, handbags. She does find good quality stuff and a lot of labels, etc.
But for example she bought me a pair of Burberry jeans for about a fiver. They were immaculate but 2 sizes to big for me. We had a ridiculous conversation that went something like:
I got you these, they are Burberry
Ah ok, but they are 2 sizes too big
But they are Burberry
Yes but they won't fit me
But they are really good quality, take a look..
Etc, etc...
yes I ended up taking them to shut her up and end the Kafkaesque conversation...

This thread has given me another idea, to keep everything but make her agree to do a car boot with me once a year and all the proceeds go to my daughters savings.

Tell her to put the money she's spending into a savings account for your child. Bingo!

LannieDuck no she buys A LOT of stuff for herself.

Yes, that's what I meant - she keeps the stuff she wants, and gives you all the stuff she doesn't want.

So it's very unfair when she insists you keep it despite not wanting it (because she's already decided that she doesn't want it).

This thread has given me another idea, to keep everything but make her agree to do a car boot with me once a year and all the proceeds go to my daughters savings

No! NO! NO!

That is continuing to enable, if not encourage her addiction. You will be left with bags and bags of stuff. Charity stuff does not sell at boot sales.

You have to stop it at source! Otherwise she will start doing this to your DC who definitely won't be able to say No.

You don't want it, don't take it. EVER!

My mum is like this too. I haven't totally cracked it but things that have helped are:

Giving her stuff back or not accepting it at the time

Losing guilt over binning or charity shopping stuff I don't want

Setting her missions - so if there is stuff I actually would like, especially for my son, I ask her to look out for it. She loves that and when she gets stuff that I actually want, I am sincerely grateful and that makes her happy too

Yes @Nanny0gg you are right! I just want to demonstrate to her how wasteful she is being and how the money would be more useful for my dd.
@LannieDuck I get what you mean now, yes she does this a lot and even says 'I bought this for myself but it doesn't fit, do you want it'.
I have said to her before what you suggested, especially when it's something too old for me.
When I've said do you want it then she will usually pull a face like 'no, why would I want it'. I am left feeling stupid for suggesting it and again guilty for being ungrateful.
I honestly don't have problems being assertive in other areas if my life at all, and am a lot more assertive with my Mum than I used to be. The thing is I tell her like it is now, but she just ignores me, so I feel like a little kid again.
She does listen to me about some things, and generally if she ignores what I am saying it doesn't have any effect on me, I write it off as another pointless conversation.
For example she is adamant I've designed our new kitchen wrong, and will regret some of the design decisions but I just explain why we made those decisions and ignore what she is trying to convince me to do as I don't agree. I just tune her out, she will bring it up over and over but it's just a non issue.
But with the buying things issue, it is a problem as I have to physically deal with the items, that's why it bugs the shit out of me.

My Dad has just walked through our door this minute and told me Mum has just bought another wardrobe hahahaha I am laughing my head off, she is crazy, I love her but she has a lot of problems and I don't like being involved in her shopping addiction.

It only gets worse. My parents have a large detached house which was getting full of 'bargains' they picked up at car boot sales so they bought a shed. They now have 16 sheds in their garden. They are late 80's and show no sign of slowing down. I'm so glad I live in another country!

@Settlersofcatan last point is a great idea and to be fair this would be great for dd, as there are so many things she will need in coming months and years, like stair gates, outdoor toys etc.
My mum knows she has a little bit of a problem as she has deleted her ebay app, I don't know how out of hand it got and didn't ask. To give you an idea of how different we are I have one wardrobe rail with all my clothes on and 2 drawers, and I know I will sound like a massive twat saying this but I 'konmari' my clothes and have a 'capsule' wardrobe, yes I know I sound like a knob but I genuinely can't cope with lots of choice and prefer it that way.

Oh shit @Sarahlou63 my Dad has 4 sheds and just turned 60.... eek!

If your dc was writing on the walks with crayon after being asked not to multiple times, would you give in just because it was easier? Or because they made a face? Of course not. You would put your foot down and give the child boudaries which are not to be crossed.

By writing off conversations, accepting the stuff etc you are enabling your mum’s ridiculous behaviour. She’s behaving like a child and you are letting her.

Tbh I would not let her in the front door with anything more than her handbag. If she has bought clothes for herself, they stay in her car. If she kicks off, you say “No, sorry Mum but I’m sick of telling you not to turn up with stuff for us and you refuse to listen. Whatever that is in the bag, it stays in your car and does not come into my house.”

*walls, not walks 🙄

When I've said do you want it then she will usually pull a face like 'no, why would I want it'.

So you say "well, I don't want it either". Surely she can't argue with that after she's just said the exact same thing?

This would drive me crackers 😡

If she's strolling in and dumping bags of shite in the kitchen I'd be changing the locks...

You are definitely NBU. I've fallen for DM's desire to keep random bookcases etc 'in the family' in the past. Problem is she wants to use my house as the storage facility . These days 'no' is a complete sentence (but I still haven't been able to bring myself to get rid of the things )