AIBU to think my DM is making work for me or am an ungrateful sod

[grumpydaughter]

DM has always behaved like this but it's starting to grate me since having a baby before Christmas.

We are currently doing some building work and are without a kitchen (using utility and garage, have a camping stove, etc). Mum, trying to be helpful, made us a soup but didn't have time to blend it, so had to find my blender out of the chaos and blend it as she kept asking if we'd ate it and enjoyed it. I was annoyed as I'd rather she didn't do things like this that makes extra work for us, I would have just done something from a tin or got takeaway. Instead had the faff of washing and putting away food processor.
I've been surviving on 4 hours sleep, am at the end of my tether with everything.
Went to meet her for coffee on her lunchbreak, she had bought me a coat off the market (she is constantly buying me clothes even though I ask her not to as she rarely buys me anything I like) on her way to work. She showed it to me and I said I didn't like them, but instead of her saying she would return them she asked that I went myself. I had again had 4 hours sleep, I had already told her this before the coat thing came up, I must have looked like shite and it was tipping it down.
So I had to walk down the other end of town in the rain, baby in the pram, to return this bastard coat. I told the bloke half joking to not sell her anything else if it's for me.
She is constantly buying me any old shite from charity shops, this has been my whole life, and I now tell her to not do it. She ignores me and does it anyway. I have 2 bin bags full of charity shop stuff from her, for me and baby. I used to take it back to charity shops to donate but don't have time anymore, so now I am saving it to take to a women's refuge, as a lot of it is fine, just either not my style or wrong size, or I don't want it for my baby.
AIBU and ungrateful? I just feel like she has forgotten what it's like to have a baby and feel exhausted and not want extra hassle.

Sit her down and tell her that you appreciate her thinking of you when she buys this stuff but YOU DO NOT WANT IT. Tell her this is the last time of telling and that if she persists, whatever it is will go straight in the bin. And mean it.

No-one forced you to traipse across town in the rain to take the coat back - you could have not accepted it from your DM or handed it straight in to a charity shop and as others have said, eaten the soup chunky.

Every time she buys something you don't like, give it back to her. Be firm and she'll soon learn.

Alternatively tell her to stop wasting her time and money as you've had to throw them in the bin, because you don't have the time to redonate to a charity shop.

If the soup was more stress, you should have thrown it away and told her you couldn't find your blender with all the chaos.

It might seem harsh, but as she ignores you, it's the only way.

Is she perhaps suffering from early dementia? As her actions aren't logical at all.

It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable, my Mum makes me feel like I am ungrateful and unreasonable. I always doubt myself when she puts me in these situations and I don't think til after 'hang on, I should have said something but maybe I'm just being ungrateful'. Thank you for support as I will be really really stern with her from now on, knowing I'm not the one in the wrong!

@SandyY2K I've told her time and again to not buy me things, that I don't wear them, that they are going straight to charity. She knows I have a bag in the loft full if stuff she has bought me. I've told her with the baby clothes as well.

OP read Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown, i bet it will be a lightbulb moment for you x

She brought me an old pair of sunglasses today, even though she knew I had bought myself a new pair a couple of weeks ago as I'd broken my old pair.
These sunglasses are going in charity bag. Conversation generally goes
'I've bought you these'
'Ok, I don't want them'
'Try them / look at them'
'No I don't like them / need them'
... string of questions about why I don't want them / like them which usually ends in her being offended and pulling a face at my reaction...
...me feeling guilty and ungrateful...
...me just taking the items to avoid awkward situation and not feel guilty but in my head I am berating myself for upsetting my Mum over something petty when she is just trying to be nice.

Talk to her. Tell her “mum I love you and I appreciate you are always thinking of me, but I’d rather just have the thoughts and not so much stuff”.

She brought me a trespass gillet a few days ago. I'm sorry I don't mean to offend people who wear gillets but they are not my style at all, I don't have much outdoors wear and have never owned a gillet.

She kept pressing me as to why I didn't want it and I finally said 'I'm not ready for a gillet' (I meant age and lifestyle wise, I don't have a dog to walk or take country strolls), she was really offended by my reply but I just snapped as the gillet was really pissing me off and I felt like it was something that would suit someone older than me.
I felt so guilty after, but as I was at her house the gillet has stayed there thank god.

She's not trying to be nice. Completely the opposite in fact. She knows you don't want them so to continue foisting them on you is not trying to be nice.

You're not offending her, she's choosing to be offended.

oh just take the stuff and put it straight In your dustbin.

This is unrelated but for the first time I stood up to MIL, she wants me and the DC to go and stay over Easter hols. I said it wasn't possible due to work and for her to liaise with DH as to when he / we can all go and visit.

So I suggested we go for the day. She said it wasn't long enough, I know both DC will not want to go for longer as its just too full on for them.

So I've stuck to my view and one day it is. Its taken me 15 years to get to this point!!

Ahh pressed send too soon.....can you load all the stuff you don't want back into her car. she can then regift / donate at her leisure. The only positive thing is that she's donating to lots of local causes, but they'd probably prefer the cash...

When l was in my teens my auntie (mam's sister) used to buy me clothes on the market. With the comment "if you don't want it, l'll keep it." She was in her 60s at the time....
When l said l didn't like something, my mother called me ungrateful and said l should appreciate whatever l was given. Totally failing to comprehend that a teenager wouldn't want to wear something that a (very staid) 60-something would.
You sound absolutely exhausted and worn out. lf she does this again, be brave and refuse it. Chunky soup - either freeze or bin it. You've got enough to cope with, with a baby and living in a building site, to be messing about with stuff like that. lt might take you losing your temper to make her take notice. And do not feel guilty! lf she takes umbrage, so be it. She needs to understand that she isn't doing you a favour. Put your foot down or it'll carry on.

I second the idea mentioning dementia. MiL was like this, buying crates of utter shite for our DDs. Wrong sizes by several years, hideous plastic tat etc. In the end I wrote her a letter and explained that we were trying to cut down on unnecessary toys coming from Far Eastern sweatshops. If she saw something she couldn't resist, before buying it she had to text/call one of us first. Of course, she had no clue how to text and calls were easy to ignore ("sorry MiL, I was teaching a class when you called"). If she forgot, we called her out and told her it was a sign that she wasn't coping and we needed to invoke the Power of Attorney.

It helped that DH was completely onside, but it slowed things down loads. We also told her to put £1 in a jar every time she wanted to buy something and give it the DDs for their bank accounts. They didn't get any cash but it lessened the crap mountain.

when she is just trying to be nice.

She's not though. It's a control thing, she wants to prove that she still has control over you.
As a pp said, she's choosing to be offended, as it's a way to make you feel guilty, and capitulate, giving her the control back.

You are not unreasonable.
You are not being ungrateful.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Time to put your foot down, and stop accepting this behaviour from her.

Don't waste time arguing with her after she's bought something for you. Next time you see her take her somewhere quiet and tell her firmly no more and whatever the item is will go straight in the bin, preferably while she is watching. Stop taking the stuff!

Take some matches, set fire to the next thing she gives you, that should help her memory...

My MIL was a bit like this - I guess it came from a good place - but it was irritating. She used to knit clothes for the baby - lovely - but she wouldn;t sew them up - I'd get parcels of loads of pieces of knitted garments with notes saying 'you can sew these up quickly while you are feeding the baby'. Of course half of them didn;t get sewn because I didn't have the time.

She also used to collect tokens for things (like a stuffed toy or something that was 100 tokens + £5.99 postage) send me 3 tokens and say 'You can collect the rest' then keep asking me if i'd sent off for the toy yet. - Answer - 'no because I haven't been able to shit my way through a thousand rolls of toilet paper in two weeks'.

It is bizarre behaviour - I have no idea why people do it when you tell them over and over you don't want them to - and you always end up looking mean or ungrateful.

I think all you can do with your Mum is just repeat 'no I don't have time. No I've said "I dont have time' until she eventually gets the message.

Yes @KurriKurri she is very much like this, like half the thought is there, just not the full enough parcel to make it useful, there is always something you have to do.
Thank you everyone for the replies, I have spent so long thinking I am ungrateful, having a baby has made me realise no I am not being unreasonable to be annoyed by extra work!

Motoko is right. This is a power/control thing. Every single time she doesn’t listen to you and turns up with yet another piece of crap, she is basically saying “I don’t see you as an adult; you’re still a child and your opinion means nothing.”

You are an adult and a mother yourself - time to ask yourself if you would tolerate this controlling behaviour from anyone else? If your DH or a friend kept doing this, my guess is that you’d quite rightly go apeshit after the 100th time. Time to treat your Mother just as you would any other adult.

I'd have lied about the soup being great & binned it. If you don't give in she'll get the message on crap. You don't heed to be rude, just say bless you, and I but I've got too many clothes there's no space for more, on repeat & hand straight back. So what if she face pulls. She's not givi g you stuff you like so it's not thoughtful, it's bloody annoying.

When I had my first DC, I really resented people sending me flowers. It was JUST YET ANOTHER JOB to find a vase and arrange them and find somewhere to put them...then change the water etc. Looking back, it was probably the first sign of post natal depression which was diagnosed at 3 weeks.
Your mum has always done this buying thing. She's not likely to change now. But you should have apologised and told her you just couldn't take the coat back to the market stall. If you go along with it, she will carry on. You've got a lot on your plate and sleep deprivation is a killer...,so maybe just bag the stuff up for now and sort it out with your mum when your life is a bit easier.

'I've bought you these'
'Ok, I don't want them'
'Try them / look at them'
'No I don't like them / need them'
... string of questions about why I don't want them / like them which usually ends in her being offended and pulling a face at my reaction...

You need to change the dialogue.
'I've bought you these'
'Ok, I don't want them'
'Try them / look at them'
'Mum, how many times have I asked you to stop buying things for me?'
'Why don't you want them?'
'Mum, how many times have I asked you to stop buying things for me?'
'I just thought you would like it.'
'Mum, what did I just say?'

Get her to acknowledge that she has heard you ask her not to buy things.

'Just try it on.'
'Why are you ignoring what I am saying? Don't you care about what I want?'

It absolutely is a control thing and you have to stop the conversations going down the route of you having to justify why you don't want something and her arguing against your justifications. Do not explain, do not justify. Ask her to acknowledge that you have asked her to stop buying things.

1. So what if she pulls a face or makes a nasty comment. That's on her.

1. Stop justifying yourself to her. "NO" is a complete sentence.

Sounds like reducing contact with this woman would do a lot for your mental health.