AIBU to think my DM is making work for me or am an ungrateful sod

[grumpydaughter]

DM has always behaved like this but it's starting to grate me since having a baby before Christmas.

We are currently doing some building work and are without a kitchen (using utility and garage, have a camping stove, etc). Mum, trying to be helpful, made us a soup but didn't have time to blend it, so had to find my blender out of the chaos and blend it as she kept asking if we'd ate it and enjoyed it. I was annoyed as I'd rather she didn't do things like this that makes extra work for us, I would have just done something from a tin or got takeaway. Instead had the faff of washing and putting away food processor.
I've been surviving on 4 hours sleep, am at the end of my tether with everything.
Went to meet her for coffee on her lunchbreak, she had bought me a coat off the market (she is constantly buying me clothes even though I ask her not to as she rarely buys me anything I like) on her way to work. She showed it to me and I said I didn't like them, but instead of her saying she would return them she asked that I went myself. I had again had 4 hours sleep, I had already told her this before the coat thing came up, I must have looked like shite and it was tipping it down.
So I had to walk down the other end of town in the rain, baby in the pram, to return this bastard coat. I told the bloke half joking to not sell her anything else if it's for me.
She is constantly buying me any old shite from charity shops, this has been my whole life, and I now tell her to not do it. She ignores me and does it anyway. I have 2 bin bags full of charity shop stuff from her, for me and baby. I used to take it back to charity shops to donate but don't have time anymore, so now I am saving it to take to a women's refuge, as a lot of it is fine, just either not my style or wrong size, or I don't want it for my baby.
AIBU and ungrateful? I just feel like she has forgotten what it's like to have a baby and feel exhausted and not want extra hassle.

I told my mum that I was decluttering, banged on about Kon Mari and sparking joy.

The face pulls are about manipulating you into feeling a certain way so you do as she wants. As others have said it’s a control thing. I had a similar issue with my mum, doing things because she “cared” but not actually listening to me or respecting my wishes.
I found “Toxic Parents” by Susan Foreward very eye opening, might be worth a read.

Do you not get charity bags shoved through your letterbox?

Could you fill these with the crap you don't want, and leave them outside your house?

As for the soup - unless it was inedible I am disappointed at the suggestions to throw it away. What is your problem with eating chunky soup? Many soups aren't meant to be blended.

grumpydaughter - you have had the patience of a saint to put up with that for 20+ years. I would have snapped years ago. I would probably have told her that if she likes the crap she is buying, then she should keep it and wear it herself and if she doesn't, then she has no business inflicting it on anyone else. It is not appreciated, it is in fact bad manners and deeply inconsiderate to continue to behave like this when she has been asked to stop. And if she leaves bags of old tat on your doorstep (ie fly tips :-D), I would just leave it back on her doorstep when she's out at work, so that she can know what it feels like to be confronted by a load of old rubbish you didn't ask for or want the minute you get home.

My mum kept buying me and DH 'experience' gifts. Even when I told her we don't have time to do them and have no babysitter and are exhausted she'd carry on. As a one off I'd pretend we had gone and enjoyed it. When it was repeated despite telling her we couldn't do it I'd just tell her we'd given it away because as we said we didn't have time. (She'd always so 'oh but you're so busy you nerf time to relax').

I think some parents never properly evolved into adults emotionally. My mum regularly martyrs herself and can't cope if you say anything negative sometimes, she is really afraid of criticism of any kind and tries to be so perfect that any sort of disagreement makes her sulky and upset. It's like having another child at times. I can't even take a different political view on something on the news sometimes as she takes it personally.

And my dad is really negative and critical. What a perfect pair!

M: look brought you a green leopard print dress with gold and pink sequins!

Y: Mum, it really isn't my style, this is why I keep asking you not to buy stuff. I'm sure if you take it back you can get a refund.

M: Oh darling YOU'LL have to do it. I'm very busy.

Y:Sorry I'm not going that way.

M: (Pulls face)

Y: So do you want another cuppa before you leave?

M: But darling I'm very busy and you do nothing all day but eat cake and watch telly

Y: Well that's what living in 4 hours sleep a night does to you. So do you want another coffee or do you need to get off

And do so on repeat. She knows you're a people pleaser. Don't play the game

Have you explained that her kindness is actually making your life harder? That her ‘gifts’ have a negative impact on you emotionally?

Or, next time she does it say oh I really don’t like that but here’s a list of EXACTLY what would be gratefully received and hand it to her, explaining that you will ONLY accept exactly what is on the list. It will either mean her gifts become useful or she gets so offended she never wants to ‘treat’ you again.

Yes YABU but baby hormones and lack of sleep will do that to you. Sounds like you mum is just trying to be nice and close to you but she is unsure how to do it to your standards. Infancy, that sounds a lot like my own mother.

So what if she 'pulls a face'? Sit it out! Practice your impassive face. Let her crack first.

Just remember, you're not just a grown-up, you're a parent now. You are not only responsible for sticking for yourself but, even more importantly, for your child. DO NOT let your DC be trampled over and subjugated to another's will and pride, the way you have allowed yourself to be.

Don't physically let it get from her hand into you hand/house. Just using words is not working, back it up with action... And the returns thing... Just say no

Be really firm and hand everything straight back to her.

If she leaves stuff in your house give it back next time she comes over or take it back to her house.

If you are consistent she will learn to stop doing it.

We are a quite an eco family and try to avoid plastics and unnecessary crap.
Despite this my DM has, over the years, bought the DC 2 plastic little tykes cars, a massive plastic playhouse, a huge ball pit with thousands of plastic balls and to top it all she bought them an actual Inflatable castle. The sort you get at fairgrounds.

Be grateful it's just soup and a coat

It's been 20 years of 'no I don't like it, you need to stop buying me things Mum'...

I have literally put things in the bin in front of her to try and get message across that I didn't want it and didn't have time to go the charity shop to redonate it.
I didn't do it again as felt wasteful, also it made no difference and she brought me something else next time I saw her

So she's bought you things hundreds of times and once you've put it in the bin? She just thought that you really didn't like that particular thing, but next time she'll get it right. It takes time to break a bad habit, you need to physically show her you getting rid of it, or she needs to be inconvenienced by bringing it back, even if it is after work.

At this point its become part of the ritual, in her mind this is how it goes: your mum is thinking about you when shopping, buys you something thoughtful (even if you don't use it straight away, you'll have it just in case) and you're too embarrassed by her generosity so you 'protest', even though you both know that you love it when she is thoughtful like this.

Just hand the items straight back to her next time she visits, don't let her leave them in your house. If she won't take them, leave them on your doorstep/the street and walk back inside.

Is she Irish? It's an accepted thing in Ireland to protest or refuse first, then say ok then (eg with cups of tea, your host offers it once, you say no, they say go on, you say you don't want to trouble them, but they say they were putting on the kettle anyway so you can say alright then a small cup... !) It's a convoluted way of doing things, but somehow it works!

Its hard to change the dynamic. You can't stop her looking disappointed, but you can stop taking things which will make you feel more in control. Tell her upfront, ‘I’m not taking any more gifts from you, so don’t say you weren’t warned’. Then when she says anything, wave it away and say ‘I told you, no more’. Sit on your hands, firmly put things back in her bag if she is at yours. Repeat repeat repeat ‘no more’.

Being firm and stopping this will probably improve your relationship in the future so that when you see her she is there for your company not to dump something on you. You might see her as a supportive mum rather than a nuisance.

I'm very struck by your phrasing, 'in her mind...' followed by 'so I had to do it'. As if 'being in her mind' makes things true facts and the law, that you have to act upon.

She's free to think what she likes of course, even if she's wronger than a wrong thing.

You are not an extension of her. You are not her arms and legs. You are not obliged to act on her mistaken beliefs or woolly thoughts.

'I have other things to do today' 'That's not convenient' 'No, I won't be doing that'. Never explain, never apologise, she'll use it against you. Just say no.

You should have got up and left the cafe first, leaving the coat there. Her problem, her embarrassment.

She's trying to show her love but is getting it wrong. Try to redirect her 'help'.

Clear form but kind will hopefully work. - 'I've asked you not to buy us so much mum, i don't have time to take it back. If you want to help could you come over tomorrow so I can have a rest? That'd be much more helpful '

Good luck

She gives zero fucks about offending you.

Time you returned the number of fucks you give about offending her.

Why are you so scared of her being a bit mardy with you? What will happen if she gets a face on? Do you feel responsible for managing her emotions for her?

Is it an alternative form of hoarding? If you don’t keep the stuff, it makes her really anxious, hence the unreasonable pressure on you to have the stuff, regardless of whether you keep it or throw it away? Just so long as she doesn’t have to deal with it?

@PregnantSea I would feel horrible doing that but feel like it will come to this. I'm so tired of constantly telling her no and being ignored.

Your mother knows you don't want this stuff. Yet she keeps on bringing it, and making you deal with it, and making you feel bad about it. She's doing this on purpose. She is not doing it to be kind or supportive, she's doing it to control you.

When she offers you something, say no. When she insists, say, "I said no." and just keep repeating that. Don't get drawn into a conversation. Don't justify why you don't want it. Just say no, and then say, "I said no." If an awkward silence develops, don't be the one to break it. Say no and hold your ground.

If she leaves bags of stuff for you at her house, tell her you don't want it and that she has to come and take it back. If she refuses, take it back to her. Stack it all in your hallway so it's ready for her next time she arrives.

You are not being rude in refusing. She is being rude in insisting.

Practical thought - could you suggest she keeps a special piggy bank (bank account even but these sound like low value purchases) dedicated to your DC and, each time she's tempted to buy some crap, she puts the money in the piggy bank instead.

It can be for DC's birthday gift (though you'd need to make sure she consults you and buys the right high quality item), or a savings fund for when they're grown up.

That way she gets the glow of giving, you don't get the tat, your DC (fingers crossed) gets something good and useful.

Could you try:

I love you but I don't want the coat.

I love you but I didn't want the soup.

I love you but I don't want the ton of tat.

Some great suggestions for reading here I'm off to take a look myself...

I've met plenty of people like this btw, at work and other places. They have the initial 'bright idea' - which may not turn out to be that bright, when the implications are examined properly - then get peed off when other people won't do the tedious work of making it happpen, so they can take the glory. 'I only asked you to', 'I only needed' 'Surely it fits into what you're doing anyway'.

She sounds like a disorganised dreamer, who has never formed the habit of seeing things through, so has no idea how much time and effort it actually takes. So doesn't factor that in, as an imposition, when she hands half-finished tasks on to you. She does the first bit, then thinks 'la la la, that's it done'.