AIBU to think my DM is making work for me or am an ungrateful sod

[grumpydaughter]

DM has always behaved like this but it's starting to grate me since having a baby before Christmas.

We are currently doing some building work and are without a kitchen (using utility and garage, have a camping stove, etc). Mum, trying to be helpful, made us a soup but didn't have time to blend it, so had to find my blender out of the chaos and blend it as she kept asking if we'd ate it and enjoyed it. I was annoyed as I'd rather she didn't do things like this that makes extra work for us, I would have just done something from a tin or got takeaway. Instead had the faff of washing and putting away food processor.
I've been surviving on 4 hours sleep, am at the end of my tether with everything.
Went to meet her for coffee on her lunchbreak, she had bought me a coat off the market (she is constantly buying me clothes even though I ask her not to as she rarely buys me anything I like) on her way to work. She showed it to me and I said I didn't like them, but instead of her saying she would return them she asked that I went myself. I had again had 4 hours sleep, I had already told her this before the coat thing came up, I must have looked like shite and it was tipping it down.
So I had to walk down the other end of town in the rain, baby in the pram, to return this bastard coat. I told the bloke half joking to not sell her anything else if it's for me.
She is constantly buying me any old shite from charity shops, this has been my whole life, and I now tell her to not do it. She ignores me and does it anyway. I have 2 bin bags full of charity shop stuff from her, for me and baby. I used to take it back to charity shops to donate but don't have time anymore, so now I am saving it to take to a women's refuge, as a lot of it is fine, just either not my style or wrong size, or I don't want it for my baby.
AIBU and ungrateful? I just feel like she has forgotten what it's like to have a baby and feel exhausted and not want extra hassle.

DM is like this. Broken charity shop stuff for the kids, recycled "bingo win" gifts at xmas, clothes that are stained or grannie style. She spent 5 years trying to offload her old magimix on me. Told "no" every time, does not listen. Bit of a hoarder. Suggestion of booking her in to the GP for a memory check seem to have partially halted the tsunami of unwelcome tat

If she buys you clothes you dont like just stick them in the clothes bank or in a bag in the loft. I don't think it's worth the hassle of explaining why you don't want it and then making the effort to return it.
What terrible advice. Why would you just accept it and end up with a loft full of crap?

I never physically accept things of her I don't like to offend her
And yet I have literally put things in the bin in front of her to try and get message across that I didn't want it and didn't have time to go the charity shop to redonate it.
That sounds contradictory. Definitely coming across as a martyr. You haven’t told her clearly enough, consistently enough.

So what if she pulls a face or makes a nasty comment
I’m sure you’d deal with it the same way as you did when she undoubtedly did it when you put it in the bin.

You need a louder and more assertive NO!.

God my mil buys or takes on the cheapest shitz She tried to offload a 2nd hand foot spa to us 🤢

Tbh OP you are coming across as a martyr here.

So I had to walk down the other end of town in the rain, baby in the pram, to return this bastard coat.

No - no you did not have to do this. You chose to do this and are now moaning about it.

Your mother sounds domineering but you are an adult and you are allowed to say no.

@cuppycakey ok I consciously did this as my Mum told me to do it. It's hard to explain the thought process when your Mum has treated you this way your whole life.
This isn't a recent thing....the earliest memory I have of unreasonable requests is being about 7 years old and being made to clean thi inside of all the windows from the outside. They were all covered in dead spiders and cobwebs. No one had ever in my memory cleaned them before. I had to do jobs like this, basically jobs my parents didn't want to do. If I ever complained I was made to feel ungrateful and insolunt. What else... hmm my mum reading my diary out loud and mocking me. I don't think I'm a martyr at all, and I don't care about the past.
All I care about is the mounting pile of shit in my house and my time being wasted when I could be looking after my baby or preferably napping.
A few people have said on this thread have said I sound like a martyr, that's really not how I feel, surely if I was being all martyr about it then I would be like 'look I'm such a great self sacrificing person' only it's more like 'look, my Mum is getting right on my tits and buying me useless crap

OP, I laughed out loud when I read this post - I'm not laughing at you, I just had to read this to my husband because it sounds exactly like my mum and he agreed.

I haven't managed to stop the stream of shite, but I have slowed it down a lot. Here's the secret - OFFEND HER. it sounds awful and it feels wrong. It's your mum and she bought you something. But honestly it's the only way to get it through to her that you don't want all this old tat. If she asks why you don't like something just be brutal and say because it looks shit. It's out of fashion. It's old. It smells. It's useless. It belongs in the bin. Any of the above.

I also find not touching the things helps - new sunglasses? No thanks. Try them on. No, I don't like them, they are horrible. Just try them on! No, I don't want them. The bin is just there if you don't want them either. Don't physically put your hands on the things that she brings for you and ignore her if she plonks it down on a table in front of you. When she says "oh well, you just take it back to the charity shop then if you don't want it" just say "no, I don't have time. You can take it yourself or put it in the bin".

I know there will be other posters on here thinking this is all very cruel, but it is honestly the only way to slow down the onslaught of shite that you don't want. People with jobs and kids don't have the time to essentially become a courier service for the charity shop, it's ridiculous. And those saying just keep the stuff to keep her happy don't understand what it's like to have to live with boxes and bags of shite that you don't want all over your house. It's horrible. It makes you feel like it's not your home.

It's her way of showing you love. So you could guide her into a more useful way or at least, a more palatable way.

She's stuck in the rut of providing things for you...as she did when you were a child.

@PregnantSea I would feel horrible doing that but feel like it will come to this. I'm so tired of constantly telling her no and being ignored.

I felt horrible too. But it worked. Now she doesn't do this very often so I don't have to be horrible.

She gives zero fucks about offending you.

Time you returned the number of fucks you give about offending her.

My mum does this all the time with food. Even when I tell her I’m trying to lose weight. Once after repeatedly saying I didn’t want anything when we’d gone out for a coffee she bought me a cheese toastie and a cake. I refused to eat them and felt terrible from the look on her face. I used to think this was her way of showing affection but reading the comments here there is something more going on. Although I’m not sure she realises she’s doing it and I don’t think it’s malicious. However, she’s not listening to me when I say what I want or don’t want. Actually, this is a whole other issue -any time I have tried to talk to her about a problem I might have it is very very quickly switched to ‘well, I felt like this when ....’ and it’s turned to something about her. Oh dear, i’m Off to read the stately homes thread again. 🙁

'and I don't care about the past.'

Op clearly you do on reading your last post.

.'the earliest memory I have of unreasonable requests is being about 7 years old and being made to clean thi inside of all the windows from the outside. They were all covered in dead spiders and cobwebs. No one had ever in my memory cleaned them before. I had to do jobs like this, basically jobs my parents didn't want to do. If I ever complained I was made to feel ungrateful and insolunt. What else... hmm my mum reading my diary out loud and mocking me. I don't think I'm a martyr at all, and I don't care about the past.'

I think it could be a bit of a shopping addiction. You know how good it feels if you snap up a bargain (ie in your case something you actually want). DM could be getting a buzz from the purchase but avoiding the stress of having to deal with the crap she buys.
Is there a recycling centre near by. Nearly all my stuff goes in carrier bags and is shoved in the recycling metal box. Quicker than parking in town and lugging stuff to charity shop (though good stuff goes there before anyone jumps on me).

I have a lot of sympathy with your posts, DM, and think others don't have experience with parents like this. You don't just lick them into shape by being assertive.

Perhaps not a martyr, but certainly passive. For 20+ years. Probably due to your upbringing.

You have the choice not to accept any more stuff. Physically don’t accept it. Posters have offered words. You can ignore the face and respond “broken record” to comments.

“As I’ve said before, I would like you to stop giving me stuff. If you do buy me things I won’t accept them: you can keep or return them.”

Assertiveness won’t change a difficult parent, no, but OP’s immediate problem is dealing with all the unwanted stuff she’s accepted, and she can address that, immediately.

It’s a straight choice about whose feelings you prioritise: for 20+ years you’ve prioritised your mother’s, as has she. Care for yourself a bit more: if that upsets her, so be it.

I read once " feeling guilty is not an emergency".

Sometimes it's necessary to "feel the guilt and do it anyway".

İt will feel horrible. But feeling horrible does not mean that you are horrible.

Hi OP. I can relate to some of this. My mum is a fan of buying charity shop stuff. She’s actually got a fairly good eye and will often get nice stuff, but on balance I’d prefer it if she wouldn’t. Thankfully she doesn’t buy me stuff often. She seems offended if I buy anything new as it’s wasteful. She definitely gets joy out of palming off her old stuff onto someone else, to a greater extent than someone would enjoy giving a “proper” gift.

The main area for us is food. She buys reduced to clear stuff from the supermarket and brings that over expecting me to be grateful. Same goes for a glut of something from the garden. We do tend to meal plan and not bother with puddings so I don’t see a £1.99 cheesecake reduced from £4.99 as a bargain: it’s £1.99 that I wouldn’t have spent at all (and wasted calories). I did get the satisfaction of binning a disgusting dry cake last time, even she agreed it was not good.

Not sure what advice to offer but you have my sympathies. I feel my stress levels rising when my mum is en route as I’m anticipating all the carrier bags full of crap that will get emptied out for me to put away.

In your circumstances I'd be going no contact with your mum. Not because she buys shit. But because she sounds like a horrible bully with those things she did when you were younger.

That will make your life much easier.

Your memories sound really horrible . I would just bag up all the stuff and take it back to hers with a breezy "I've brought it back as we don't want it". Let her have to deal with getting rid of it.

My dad used to offload old stuff onto me eg random office furniture that was being binned. The last time he did it was the time he carted a tons worth of wooden and vinyl coated crap up to my front door and I finally cracked and made him cart it all back to his car. I have this memory of him staggering under the weight of it! Funnily enough he laughed! But he never did it again. I actually got close to my dad towards the end of his life though after years of a slightly strained relationship.

I could possibly be that Mother. Not so much with charity items but I used to buy presents in between birthdays and Christmas. My daughters have offended me but they were firm that they don't like or want the presents and have categorically told me not to buy clothes in particular for them. It did hurt a bit but I finally saw the sense and I don't do it anymore. Sometimes I might now give them some " spending money " when they are going away and so I still get that feeling of caring. That is all Mum is trying to do, to show that she thinks about and cares about you. Try to tell her perhaps when she does not have a gift in her hand but keep on telling her.

If she says she hasn't got time to return the tat she buys, point out that she had time to buy it when you've asked her countless times not to. If she pulls a face, call her out on it - say "Don't pull that face, it's not my fault you won't listen to me when I ask you not to buy things". Tell her if she doesn't stop leaving stuff at your house you'll be changing the locks, and be prepared to do it.