Mil suspicious of my relationship with FIL

[SchoolOfLife2]

Dear all,

I changed username as I’m not sure what responses I will get.

My FIL and I used to know each other before I even met my DH, because he was a long time friend of my dads.. they haven’t been in touch for a while but he does have all those caring fatherly vibes as he literally knew me since I was born.. but lost touch after.

When I got together with DH, I noticed something that made me feel uncomfortable. My MIL behaved extremely protective of FIL Infront of me. When he talks to me she would glare at him, when I talk to him she makes me feel uncomfortable.., this is simply me saying hello how are you ...

She has tried her best to tell me all his flaws and make out that he is a bad man which I refused to give in to ... things like how as soon as he would pick me and DH up from the airport she would say to me ur FIL makes our lives difficult don’t u agree (Infront of him) and knowing her I know she is exaggerating and so I just awkwardly giggled and said “ I see him as a father figure and wouldn’t say that about him, it’s nothing I’ve witnessed” to which she would escalate and look extremely intimidated.

She hasn’t made many inappropriate jokes to my DH about how I’m the only person that “gets his fathers jokes” and how he needs to be careful that I won’t go fancying his father.... she made DH very uncomfortable....

I am now very conscious of what I wear as I constantly feel judged by her... I once asked him if I could join him in the car to go to the market (it was abroad and no public transport) and there was a very weird odd silence in the room as if I had requested something dodgy.... he accepted of course and looked at his wife for approval... MIL said you won’t want to go with him, he will make your shopping trip hell... to which I refused and said no it would be fine as it’s just a 5 min journey and he is like a father figure.

It has come to a point where FIL is scared to speak to me , if DH calls him to speak to him and I’m sitting next to DH , FIL would call his wife and give her the phone.

My FIL has never been creepy... he is extremely appropriate and polite.. he never has any conversations aside from small talk... things used to be a lot more normal before me and DH got together.

Furthermore, when I first arrived to the airport to visit them with DH, I did the polite thing of hugging MIL and her daughter and when it came to FIL I came to hug him (I didn’t know at that time it was an issue) and he suddenly shrugged away and said no no.. , when my FIl dropped us to the airport , and MIl wasn’t there... I basically just waved goodbye and got going... and then he said, oh come here I’ll give you that hug.

When I had a baby, he had to hide from his wife to call and see my baby via video call and tell me that he wishes me safe recovery..

It’s not like it’s bothering me, but I feel really judged for what should be normal..

To put things into context, my FIL told DH that he things his mum has developed insecurities and mental issues. He seems polite and respects that and doesn’t like to trigger it.. but I think her issues are translating to hostility directed at me as she constantly tries to convince my siblings in law that I have weird intentions to their dad...

Furthermore, due to her issues, I’ve had serious tension with her trying to absolutely control me and my life... DH father has been the only voice of wisdom who told MIL to leave us be.. I saw him as my only hope.. and I genuinely feel like this is why she is painting me as a weirdo to him...

Worthy of mentioning, she has also made my husband believe that it is disrespectful to her that he shall have a relationship with his dad that doesn’t go through her.. my DH is absolutely weird with his dad, if he talks to him on the phone he needs to first check that his mum is there. I can’t explain it.

So my question is... I’ve somehow just played ignorant so far. As I see this as in fact domestic abuse and control over her husband And I’m not happy being part of her gang. I pretend to be ignorant and just say hello to him and I don’t just ignore his messages.. he hasn’t done and never done anything creepy... and in Fact she is making this about my behaviour when the only thing I have done is say the polite hello to him...

Is it wrong that I just don’t see why I should respect her wishes I’m having no relationship with FIL if I’m being totally appropriate ? And that I don’t need her permission ?

I wonder what mil's parents were like? Maybe her father ran off with a girl young enough to be his daughter when her mother lost the first flush of youth? Is there any age gap between your mil and fil? She certainly seems to have massive insecurities.

I don’t know much about her father except that he abandoned them when they were really young and that seemed to have a huge impact on her. I really sympathize and used this fact to excuse a lot of things..

I know she has been to therapy. Didn’t continue...

Im inclined to think there’s is an element to her past which is making her entire family excuse her behavior as a product of her sorrow or something... which is why I kept my head down...

I just reached the end of my tether when I realized that there was no limits... even with me. She is certainly dealing with it in a destructive way.. and I don’t care what label that gives her, I am not looking for reasons to make her look bad.. she raised my DH and so I appreciate that... I’m not looking to demonize her...

I’m just looking for ways to deal with her toxic behavior regardless of where it’s coming from.

Oh god, why are you moving abroad, away from your family and support network, to be closer to this highly toxic woman, and her dysfunctional family?

You're going to regret this I'm afraid. Nothing good can come of it. You really need to read those books I suggested, and rethink this plan.

Motoko speaks sense.

That's sounds such a difficult situation OP! I wonder if you MIL has undiagnosed mental health issues which you won't be able to reason with and however you behave you will be in the wrong. I have to say I think I'd handle by distancing myself from them - you can't fix her issues and your FIL seems to have accepted this as "normal". Concentrate on your DH, your family and reduce the time you spend with the ILs. Even you are the perfect DIL I think she will still see a problem. I wouldn't be having more holidays with them, perhaps stay in a hotel if you can afford it when you go and see the. She sounds incredibly wearing.

Thanks Blue and Motoko, yes I think the goal/dream now is to distance myself as much as possible. Not quite easily possible in my circumstances due to whole loads of things I can’t go into, but definately working on it.

Yes I certainly think she has undiagnosed mental issues, which makes me want to sympathize.. I guess since this is seeming the case (based on my gut) I should probably prevent myself from seeing her as a narcissist or controlling evil person as I do see she has a good side to her too which is probably why her family members tolerate aloooot of abuse ... I think for me though nothing compensates for abuse and I think boundaries would be important regardless of her mental state as I’m personally not in a position to help her and not willing to get sucked in, and so I guess for me it’s best to distance myself.

But seeing how that’s not always possible, need to just figure out ways to take myself out of situations she drags me into- with grace and without offending anyone.

Thanks a lot everyone. Motoko, I’m definately going to look to buy the two books you mentioned. Read many good reviews about them. I just hope I can get DH fully on board soon. I want him to realise things at his own pace when it comes to his family.

I also read some of the captain awkward posts on his blog and I do like how he suggests to use simple things to object in awkward situations. I guess in situations where there is insinuations that I have some ulterior motives to the FIL when I’m outnumbered I can just reply with :

“Wow” or “that’s disgusting”. I don’t really need long justifications and defending myself I just need to make them feel awkward so they back off.

Just need a similar small memorable phrase to use when she expects me to join her gang and bully one of her family members to their face. I guess not everyone liked my attempt at painting him as a father figure so maybe I could try something like:

“Poor FIL, he is being ganged up on and I won’t join in”. Maybe I should be direct like that? Or is there a way for me to just take myself out without confrontation.

They’re coming for a whole month soon and it is almost going to be impossible to avoid these situations in the near future until we have it all figured out.

Or maybe I can simply leave the scenario and say “will leave you two to work it out, got nothing to do with me”.

I guess I’m gonna concentrate on me and my family and like mum said, I guess it me trying to be fair is going to cause injustice and bullying to my own family which I’m directly responsible for then I’m just going to have to refrain from doing the “right” thing and instead just flee with myself and my family. FIL will probably understand that im neutral if I just drag myself out of the situation.

MIL has absolutely No One telling her “No”, or standing up for her. Her own elderly mother did Infront of me once but she ended up paying for it. The few people that did ended up being ostracized by the whole family. I am not sure I’m strong enough to take on the responsibility to rock that boat

*standing up to her

Or maybe I can simply leave the scenario and say “will leave you two to work it out, got nothing to do with me”.

Yes..but I'd rephrase it slightly to

“I'll leave you two to work it out”.

Do it every time. I worry that she'll be getting your DS to do this as he grows up when you move closer to her.

Then get up and walk away.

My DM is nothing like this...but I remember once she was moaning about my dad and my DD, (think she was about 7 or 8 at the time)... said "No GM. He's the best Grandpa in the world"

My DM felt a bit embarrassed.

People think kids don't hear what's being said around them, just because they seem engrossed in a toy or the TV.

It doesn't matter why she's abusive, mental health issues or not. You wouldn't tell a woman with an abusive husband to be understanding of his "issues", you'd tell her to keep safe, and leave the relationship.

If she's trying to get you to bully FIL, just say "No, I'm not a bully." or "No. I won't do that.".

You either stand up to her, or allow her to manipulate you. I'd go for the first option, even if it meant my marriage ended, it's that serious.

You don't have to be polite to nasty people.

I would just ignore her and change the subject. No need to say anything. I don't really see where she's even hinted that you and fil are involved so I don't think responding "that's disgusting" is appropriate. She sounds controlling and unpleasant and jealous but I don't really see where she has hinted that you are involved? It sounds like she doesn't want any one to like her dh but not that she thinks you have a sexual relationship. I'm just not seeing it?
I still don't get why her saying you'd have a crap time shopping with fil resulted in you saying you see him as a father figure?? Maybe she thinks you saying this all the time means he sees you as more but you just see him as a dad?

Star I don’t think you read my OP as I have detailed her insinuations there and then.

The father figure comment is more than normal in there family as they constantly mention how I’m like their daughter and should tolerate rubbish because that’s what families do. It’s just a way for me to tell her that it’s ok If he was snappy or whatnot I just see him as a father/elder person and won’t take it personal.. my DH says the same thing to my mum and dad I absolutely don’t understand why this is an issue... he says your like my mother don’t feel obliged to go out of your way blah blah...

As for the sexual insinuations, I didn’t mean that she meant that we were having an affair I think she knows I have too much respect for that... I think she is just making things sooo awkward by imposing her interpretation on things so I can back off... she mostly says this to DH “tell your dad that SchoolOfLife is yours not his”, or like when I respond to his dads posts with thumbs up “your wife seems to get on with your dad more than I do, they have a mutual understanding”... I know it sounds innocent but the number of remarks she makes it’s quite obvious what she is insinuating and she knows exactly how she is making DH uncomfortable and I beleive that’s her aim.

You could try the "Did you mean to be so rude?" response, and then leave that long, awkward silence to develop.

I really would set boundaries with her. And I'm concerned that she's coming for a month: if she's going to stay with you that's a nightmare waiting to happen. Can you insist they stay in a hotel instead? Otherwise you'll never have time to regroup.

She’s a weirdo. Not right in the head and unfortunately there are so many like her. My own mother included. I was being abused by her husband sexually from around the age of eight. Believe when I was 15/16 she actually got angry and accused me of having an affair with him and wanting to fuck him. Some people are extremely jealous and down right nuts along with it. I’d call her out on her bullshit and ignore her trying to get you to insult someone you have no reason insulting. I’d rise to her hair and have the confrontation. Your father in law should leave her but he’s probably so used to it now it won’t cross his mind that he can be happier away from her.

Bait, not hair.

When she makes insinuations, get her to spell it out. Just reply 'I don't know what you're getting at.' 'What do you mean?' 'I don't understand, what's the problem?'

Every single time. Then when she needs to spell it out it will sound ridiculous.

I do find the father figure thing a bit odd, and you talk a lot about respecting elders in a weird way. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Well yes if it helps I’m not white “English” ethnically. I am from a background that also has massive emphasis on family and big families. It’s not really weird where I’m from but I understand it’s not the Way it is in England.

Thanks for the advice though.