Mil suspicious of my relationship with FIL

[SchoolOfLife2]

Dear all,

I changed username as I’m not sure what responses I will get.

My FIL and I used to know each other before I even met my DH, because he was a long time friend of my dads.. they haven’t been in touch for a while but he does have all those caring fatherly vibes as he literally knew me since I was born.. but lost touch after.

When I got together with DH, I noticed something that made me feel uncomfortable. My MIL behaved extremely protective of FIL Infront of me. When he talks to me she would glare at him, when I talk to him she makes me feel uncomfortable.., this is simply me saying hello how are you ...

She has tried her best to tell me all his flaws and make out that he is a bad man which I refused to give in to ... things like how as soon as he would pick me and DH up from the airport she would say to me ur FIL makes our lives difficult don’t u agree (Infront of him) and knowing her I know she is exaggerating and so I just awkwardly giggled and said “ I see him as a father figure and wouldn’t say that about him, it’s nothing I’ve witnessed” to which she would escalate and look extremely intimidated.

She hasn’t made many inappropriate jokes to my DH about how I’m the only person that “gets his fathers jokes” and how he needs to be careful that I won’t go fancying his father.... she made DH very uncomfortable....

I am now very conscious of what I wear as I constantly feel judged by her... I once asked him if I could join him in the car to go to the market (it was abroad and no public transport) and there was a very weird odd silence in the room as if I had requested something dodgy.... he accepted of course and looked at his wife for approval... MIL said you won’t want to go with him, he will make your shopping trip hell... to which I refused and said no it would be fine as it’s just a 5 min journey and he is like a father figure.

It has come to a point where FIL is scared to speak to me , if DH calls him to speak to him and I’m sitting next to DH , FIL would call his wife and give her the phone.

My FIL has never been creepy... he is extremely appropriate and polite.. he never has any conversations aside from small talk... things used to be a lot more normal before me and DH got together.

Furthermore, when I first arrived to the airport to visit them with DH, I did the polite thing of hugging MIL and her daughter and when it came to FIL I came to hug him (I didn’t know at that time it was an issue) and he suddenly shrugged away and said no no.. , when my FIl dropped us to the airport , and MIl wasn’t there... I basically just waved goodbye and got going... and then he said, oh come here I’ll give you that hug.

When I had a baby, he had to hide from his wife to call and see my baby via video call and tell me that he wishes me safe recovery..

It’s not like it’s bothering me, but I feel really judged for what should be normal..

To put things into context, my FIL told DH that he things his mum has developed insecurities and mental issues. He seems polite and respects that and doesn’t like to trigger it.. but I think her issues are translating to hostility directed at me as she constantly tries to convince my siblings in law that I have weird intentions to their dad...

Furthermore, due to her issues, I’ve had serious tension with her trying to absolutely control me and my life... DH father has been the only voice of wisdom who told MIL to leave us be.. I saw him as my only hope.. and I genuinely feel like this is why she is painting me as a weirdo to him...

Worthy of mentioning, she has also made my husband believe that it is disrespectful to her that he shall have a relationship with his dad that doesn’t go through her.. my DH is absolutely weird with his dad, if he talks to him on the phone he needs to first check that his mum is there. I can’t explain it.

So my question is... I’ve somehow just played ignorant so far. As I see this as in fact domestic abuse and control over her husband And I’m not happy being part of her gang. I pretend to be ignorant and just say hello to him and I don’t just ignore his messages.. he hasn’t done and never done anything creepy... and in Fact she is making this about my behaviour when the only thing I have done is say the polite hello to him...

Is it wrong that I just don’t see why I should respect her wishes I’m having no relationship with FIL if I’m being totally appropriate ? And that I don’t need her permission ?

An appropriate relationship between you and your FIL is the one you already have. You shouldn't change it, or hide it or defend it. Your MIL sounds narcissistic, controlling and manipulative.

Back off from this man. He's not yours. Leave him be. Let his wife do as she likes, and only push back when she's intruding into your everyday life.

Meant to include this too. He is OP's FIL, she's entitled to treat him civilly, which is all she wants to do. "Back off" indeed!

She sounds controling, needy and paranoid.

Thanks Motoko. I’m glad I’m not the only one who things that a dil CAN have a civil conversation with her fil without being slut-shamed . But I’m surprised to learn that mil isn’t the only one who sees things in her twisted way...

KbPOW thanks for reassuring me. I guess deep down I knew I was doing the right thing but yeh my mum told me to tone it down on asking for fil to be included on things to do with my son only because mum thinks I can’t handle MILs backlash.. I think I’m gonna stay true to myself as the toxicity of it scares me. Will just need to discuss with DH at some point. He has a very close relationship with BOtH my parents. They treat him like a son and he says he sees them as his parents hence why I thought using that phrase is just diffusive and respectful. My parents like it..

I’m definitely no Pamela Anderson.. MIL is extremely attractive and it’s almost globally a fact. I think it’s just a habit she has of smearing every confident woman’s image to make herself feel secure. To her DH, to her kids... and I think she assumed i would join in. Because it’s normalised since no one stands up to her.

Sorry for anyone who posted and didn’t receive a reply from me. Will do so but I’m juggling a baby while I type so will reply later to the rest .

How often are you with them?
I'm assuming it is an awful lot for all this to be such an issue.
My advice would be to behave with DFIL as the DMIL wants - yes she is a jealous unreasonable woman but she is in your life, as you are married to her son, and you might as well humour her to keep her happy. She calls the shots in the marriage.
And if DFIL is happy to put up with this crazy wife who are you to correct things. I'm quite sure DFIL will know how you feel but he is towing the line, why do you not?
And DH's relationship with his DF (also crazy) is his problem. Not something you should take on.

She sounds completely unhinged, someone needs to stand up to her, your DH should stand up to her.

Bag

Really not that often. They live abroad. However when I do see them it’s for a whole month and so a lot of being in each other’s faces or even living together. Aside from that, just video calls and occasions. She wanted me to call her every few days which I pandered to but then got sick of being her puppet... so it’s just every other week with DH.

I understand that she calls the shots in her marriage.. but what’s my civil relationship with her husband after being married to her son for several years got to do with her marriage??? If she is seeing me as competition then I have a lot more issues with her than just this FIL drama.

I used to be part of a family Whatsapp group. Would reply to her forwards with thumbs up and to his forwards with thumbs up.. she found a way to remove me from that group as apparently I’m the only one that humours FIL.

Indeed I was the only one to reply to him with thumbs up.. my siblings in law made remarks about it... they have been trained by their mother to ignore him...

Honestly, They would be sensitive as to not ignore her and reply to whatever she posts... if he posts they’re so scared of what she thinks and will not respond. Apparently she had taught them that since she gave birth to them they should love her more, and that they should make her feel special. Her poor DH apparently accepted that narrative based on what My DH tells me.

Well I’m not familiar with all this and just found it weird for everyone to respond to everyone EXCEPT him. So would be the only one to thumb up...

I’m glad I’m outside that group now. I’d rather not see this.

Jesus, this is beyond twisted, why are grown adults so terrified of this paranoid control freak. I'd just pull back slowly, your Fil should leave her crazy ass.

@Bagpuss5

My advice would be to behave with DFIL as the DMIL wants

To ignore him and join in the abuse.

• yes she is a jealous unreasonable woman but she is in your life, as you are married to her son

Doesn't give her licence to demand a certain type of behaviour from the OP.

you might as well humour her to keep her happy.
So its okay to keep her happy by excluding FIL and ignoring him? Are you serious.

She calls the shots in the marriage.
Like every other abusive person.

And if DFIL is happy to put up with this crazy wife who are you to correct things

I'd say the OP isn't one to pander and enable the abuse . If more people did this, the abusers would stop.

Would you like your adult child to be FIL and other family members join in...just to humour MIL?

Joining in by being horrible...just to appease someone like this is wrong.

I taught my DC never to join in with kids bullying others just because...yet you're advising the OP to do that... that's very sad and I wonder what your role model for healthy relationships was growing up to think this is okay.

Toe the line and join in the abuse... hmmm.

I'm sorry, but your thinking is like one who follows like a sheep...incapable of independent thinking and your response is so off base.

Your MIL sounds horribly controlling and abusive, OP.

It's beyond tasteless for her to imply there's some sort of sexual attraction between you and your FIL. She only gets away with this sort of thing because people let her so if it were my MIL, I'd challenge her each time she said anything like that. Perhaps, "That's really inappropriate," or, "How can you think that? I'm married to your son!" or even just, "Wow." An uncomfortable silence will follow. Say nothing. Keep looking at her for a while. Give her back all the discomfort she is causing you.

You might find the Captain Awkward blog useful. I think it's brilliant.

she found a way to remove me from that group

She's mad. Pure and simple.

Someone above asked about the culture of everyone and I was going to ask the same thing. I’ve only ever experienced the way you describe respect and simile issues to you in certain cultures. Not something typically white British imo. It sounds like she is power hungry and likes everyone to compete or be at each other in order for her to be on top and needed. It’s ok xx

It’s odd even ignore the last sentace

This is crazy! If you were posting similar about your fil not wanting you or your dh to talk to your mil, then everyone would be saying your poor mil was in an abusive relationship and suggesting you contact woman's aid for advice.

But since the victim is a man, your fil must have done something to make mil behave like that, or you are being slut shamed and called weird! I swear I have entered the bloody twilight zone!

Women are abusers too!

Op I admire your determination to treat your fil kindly, despite the toxic behaviour not just of your mil, but also your dh and his siblings!

I would NOT want my baby being exposed to this toxic dynamic or the awful behaviour of your mil. In fact the next time she hints at any sort of inappropriate relationship between you and your fil, I would be tempted to tell her that her very sick and absurd thoughts, are a reflection only of her own disturbed imagination, that she clearly need mental health support and that she won't be welcome in your home until she receives it and realised how disgraceful and disgusting her absurd thoughts and accusations are!

I have read the full thread and I can honestly say it sounds as if you need to distance yourself from your MIL. She sounds like a complete Narcissist, who always needs to be the centre of attention and thrives on divide and conquer . I have an aunt similar to this, and nothing you can do will ever be right ,as she sees you as a threat to her power. She is trying to demean you in the eyes of her husband and son and will continue to try to destroy your relationship. Please try to keep your distance from her, for the sake of your marriage. It is not your fault, but she wants you to suffer. If anyone defies her, there is nothing as volatile and destructive as Narcissistic rage. Please keep your distance, if you can.

OP are you from an Indian (or similar) background

I also suspected an Asian background because of the reference to respect but if anything I’d have said the Op was Asian.

There’s also something that I can’t quite put my finger on either.

I think she’s more insecure than anything else and probably comes from a culture that looks upon westerner women as being flighty and in her mind she has to be on her guard.

I think she probably has an inferiority complex and is suspicious of people around her. It can be very difficult being the foreigner in the family.

I can find a lot of empathy for her insecurities.... whether it based on culture or her age or whatever... I’m sure all of us have reasons to be insecure .. hers might be even more deep.

however I’m unable to use it as an excuse for her trying to drag others into doom and gloom with her. Especially if I haven’t seen anyone of those she is bullying do that to her.If anything, all I’ve ever known of FIL is say extremely flattering things about his wife.

I certainly have too never ever gave her a reason to feel disrespected for being from a different background. She is my DHs Mum and Me and her honestly had soo much in common before her issues started to cause drama.

If it was an Asian man doing this to his wife, would this be excused under insecurity ?

Sandy thank you, I agree with your perspective. I definitely don’t agree with giving into a bully.

Toughening up will certainly read that blog.

Sleepingbeauty- I agree, I have always said to myself, how would I behave if this was a woman ? And that’s how I decide whether it’s morally right or wrong. Surprised to see some pp excuse this behavior based on gender.

Val- I am trying my best to distance myself from her. I do think she fits everything on the list of narcissism.. I’m hoping I’m wrong though as I really wished to have a loving granny for my kids and we are moving abroad near to her soon and my mum won’t be there. But yes I’m having to come to terms that this might be the only option- distance.

MillyMollie- Would telling the exact region she comes from make a difference? I really think this is a universal human issue.. that a father shouldn’t be isolated in this way otherwise it’s abuse. I can’t see a circumstance where this is humanly justifiable, can you ? More so, how does anyone’s culture here dictate how I should react to the situation ? I am not confronting her, just simply not entertaining it. While staying polite. I also think this is normal across cultures. Do you disagree ?

If it was an Asian man doing this to his wife, would this be excused under insecurity ?

I wasn’t excusing it. It’s an alternative to her being a narcissist. She’s still horrible but for a different reason.

But that’s all bye the bye because there’s still something coming across here that I can’t quite put my finger on and as someone who’s been in a cross cultural marriage for more than 40 years I’m going to listen to my instincts about the thread.

something coming across here that I can’t quite put my finger on and as someone who’s been in a cross cultural marriage for more than 40 years I’m going to listen to my instincts about the thread.

what’s your instincts saying? Perhaps would help me more if you can tell me? As it’s sounding rather accusative otherwise. I’m open for advice... which is why I’m here.

Well the right thing to do is to stand up for the downtrodden DFIL, but imv the sensible thing, especially if you are moving near them, is to tow the line or you risk being ostracised by the family too. But maybe youd prefer that.

Bag but since this is never an approach I normally take when I see what I consider to be bullying, I don’t know how to translate your advice to reality.

Could you give me examples of how I could’ve reacted in situations that I gave examples of, in a way to not provoke drama?