Mil suspicious of my relationship with FIL

[SchoolOfLife2]

Dear all,

I changed username as I’m not sure what responses I will get.

My FIL and I used to know each other before I even met my DH, because he was a long time friend of my dads.. they haven’t been in touch for a while but he does have all those caring fatherly vibes as he literally knew me since I was born.. but lost touch after.

When I got together with DH, I noticed something that made me feel uncomfortable. My MIL behaved extremely protective of FIL Infront of me. When he talks to me she would glare at him, when I talk to him she makes me feel uncomfortable.., this is simply me saying hello how are you ...

She has tried her best to tell me all his flaws and make out that he is a bad man which I refused to give in to ... things like how as soon as he would pick me and DH up from the airport she would say to me ur FIL makes our lives difficult don’t u agree (Infront of him) and knowing her I know she is exaggerating and so I just awkwardly giggled and said “ I see him as a father figure and wouldn’t say that about him, it’s nothing I’ve witnessed” to which she would escalate and look extremely intimidated.

She hasn’t made many inappropriate jokes to my DH about how I’m the only person that “gets his fathers jokes” and how he needs to be careful that I won’t go fancying his father.... she made DH very uncomfortable....

I am now very conscious of what I wear as I constantly feel judged by her... I once asked him if I could join him in the car to go to the market (it was abroad and no public transport) and there was a very weird odd silence in the room as if I had requested something dodgy.... he accepted of course and looked at his wife for approval... MIL said you won’t want to go with him, he will make your shopping trip hell... to which I refused and said no it would be fine as it’s just a 5 min journey and he is like a father figure.

It has come to a point where FIL is scared to speak to me , if DH calls him to speak to him and I’m sitting next to DH , FIL would call his wife and give her the phone.

My FIL has never been creepy... he is extremely appropriate and polite.. he never has any conversations aside from small talk... things used to be a lot more normal before me and DH got together.

Furthermore, when I first arrived to the airport to visit them with DH, I did the polite thing of hugging MIL and her daughter and when it came to FIL I came to hug him (I didn’t know at that time it was an issue) and he suddenly shrugged away and said no no.. , when my FIl dropped us to the airport , and MIl wasn’t there... I basically just waved goodbye and got going... and then he said, oh come here I’ll give you that hug.

When I had a baby, he had to hide from his wife to call and see my baby via video call and tell me that he wishes me safe recovery..

It’s not like it’s bothering me, but I feel really judged for what should be normal..

To put things into context, my FIL told DH that he things his mum has developed insecurities and mental issues. He seems polite and respects that and doesn’t like to trigger it.. but I think her issues are translating to hostility directed at me as she constantly tries to convince my siblings in law that I have weird intentions to their dad...

Furthermore, due to her issues, I’ve had serious tension with her trying to absolutely control me and my life... DH father has been the only voice of wisdom who told MIL to leave us be.. I saw him as my only hope.. and I genuinely feel like this is why she is painting me as a weirdo to him...

Worthy of mentioning, she has also made my husband believe that it is disrespectful to her that he shall have a relationship with his dad that doesn’t go through her.. my DH is absolutely weird with his dad, if he talks to him on the phone he needs to first check that his mum is there. I can’t explain it.

So my question is... I’ve somehow just played ignorant so far. As I see this as in fact domestic abuse and control over her husband And I’m not happy being part of her gang. I pretend to be ignorant and just say hello to him and I don’t just ignore his messages.. he hasn’t done and never done anything creepy... and in Fact she is making this about my behaviour when the only thing I have done is say the polite hello to him...

Is it wrong that I just don’t see why I should respect her wishes I’m having no relationship with FIL if I’m being totally appropriate ? And that I don’t need her permission ?

In my experience, women like that feel that nobody who is as awesome as her should be happy. I get crap all the time about my weight by woman when I am on stage because their men mention I am talented.

Sounds like MIL thinks you fancy FIL or vice versa.

Or is she judging others by her own moral standards?

She is extremely comfortable around other men... extremely comfortable around my father and was known to show excessive admiration to him Infront of my mum... my mum never had issues with it, except she thought that’s just her personality.

She would call up my dad, speak to him, and make inappropriate jokes about him.. she makes inappropriate jokes around her male colleagues at work... she pretends to be younger Infront of them and can be extremely attention seeking.

So hence why it would’ve never crossed my mind that she would find it inappropriate if I just spoke to her DH, and said a simple “hello”. It really isn’t about her not being used to this..

FIL I’m fact is an extremely shy man. Finds it difficult to have conversations with anyone.. I struggle to see him even having the courage to upset his wife and have any affair.. I think my DH would’ve told me he has been open about his past. Shall I ask him? But then again I feel like I’m intruding

I don’t know. The way you pinpoint small circumstances is a little too analytical? I’m not saying that there isn’t an issue with MIL, but there seem to be a lot of times which are fine, which must happen otherwise you wouldn’t have to extricate the instances of ‘cold looks’ etc.

You saying that you view him as a father figure is, to me, quite provocative. Even if you were provoked. It is clearly saying that her husband is a very, very important person to you. And you are also married to her son. And you don’t like her.

You see the way she might then feel?

I think this is quite possibly very salvageable. Back off her husband in any form. Give her space. She’s probably feeling totally replaced by you to be honest.

Also to me it was just about being respectful to DH I’m having a normal daughter in law relationship with his father...

I found it incredibly bullying to isolate someone and that I should have conversation with everyone in the room but not him... that I should stay in his house yet put no effort to show gratitude.

At times I felt she perhaps wanted to paint a picture of me being a monster so he can hate me and that me interacting with him was not helping her case as he could see that I’m just a normal human :S.

She just sounds a classic example of an insecure jealous controlling woman. I don't think this anything you've done or anything your FIL has done. All the suggestions that he has said he fancies you or has pics of you on his phone are complete rubbish.

If you were describing these scenarios but instead it was a man behaving like this towards his wife - noone would be saying oh it's probably because she's done something to cause it. It would be seen as controlling abusive behaviour. Which it is.

The fact that she's weird about your husband's relationship with his own father, the fact that FIL appears to look to her for approval, the fact that he can't even give you a hug (although he will when she's not around) and the fact that she's deeply unpleasant about her own friends all point to a deeply insecure woman.

I'd be inclined to ignore it all and just carry on as you would anyone else but I guess you don't want to create problems for your FIL.

You see the way she might then feel?

No @orange I really don’t see it.

I also really don’t understand when you say back off her husband... I really have absolutely minimal interaction with him and right now it’s actusllt non existent. Do you want me to boycot him?

I don’t think this is based on anything other than her own jealousy and insecurities. Abusive men often claim they’re jealous and controlling because someone cheated on them, and it’s generally bollocks.

They’re jealous because they’re jealous in the words of Shakespeare.

I highly doubt FIL fancies OP or ever said he did.

For whatever reason she doesn’t like a young woman on her turf.

Well if you can’t see how she might feel. How can you expect her to have any empathy for what you feel?

Honestly an older woman can often feel a bit second best and you have laid claims to her son AND her husband. No one is perfect and she may well have massive insecurities. But you are fine! Give her a break and get on with building the bridges with her...
Or just never get on with your MiL. It’s a choice.

She sounds insecure, attention seeking, needy, controlling, and absolutely horrible. What does your dH think ? Has she always been so controlling ? Is she someone who is jealous of younger women generally ?

Xpost onemorecupofcoffee - entirely agree!

The fact that she's weird about your husband's relationship with his own father, the fact that FIL appears to look to her for approval, the fact that he can't even give you a hug (although he will when she's not around) and the fact that she's deeply unpleasant about her own friends all point to a deeply insecure woman.

Exactly.

And by backing off, don’t say he’s a father figure, don’t stir the pot with asking for time with him, don’t stir the pot with your husband her son about it.

Try and build a relationship with her instead.

It’s worth a try. I’m not convinced this is the evil controlling MIL from hell as yet and until you try, I don’t think you should write her off as this either.

And believe me I do have a MiL from hell who hates me so I’d be the first to sympathise if it was!

Honestly an older woman can often feel a bit second best and you have laid claims to her son AND her husband.

Sorry but this is complete nonsense.

Well I think if you had a DIL who liked hugging your husband, insisted how close they were as he was like a father figure, but didn’t like you, I think it would take even quite a moderate person to feel quite displaced.

But I do think you are slightly revelling OP in how much your MILs husband likes you. Which I find quite mean. Even if she is awful that is still very mean.

Orange respectfully , I think you have misunderstood my words.

Me and MIL had an extremely tight relationship until her issues started to come in the way. Recently. I don’t have any sort of competition with her over her old DH. He was an old family friend of mine and I have respected him far before I became his dil... me and him don’t have any relationship where we have any private conversation... it’s all within a big family set up and I’m still expected to ignore him.

I don’t think I cherish my relationship with her when her insecurities leads her to fat shame me and slag me off to my husband. Right now we are just civil... me and FIL are meant to be civil, but she wants us to be hostile.

HTH

There are probably all sorts of issues between them. There is no knowing. People are insecure in relationships when they have experienced being let down, either personally or from family when growing up.
I wouldn't set much store in him 'not being the type' - someone I have known for years who was not the type and married with 2 adult DC has suddenly been discovered to have a 7yo DC with an unlikely affair - it happens.

Probably best to leave them to it and concentrate on your relationship with DH. That is the most important relationship.

The only thing I can think of is that he has cheated and his wife knows. If that's the case she may not trust him with anyone, even though logic should tell her that you having an affair with him is beyond ludicrous. After your last post I wonder if she's the one who has cheated? If so she probably judges other women by her own standards.

A similar thing used to happen when I visited my sister. Her husband was a cheater and I really disliked him but if we were sitting in the garden and he talked to me I was always polite. Two minutes into any conversation and my sister would appear and drag him away to do an urgent job. In all the time they were married (now divorced) I don't think I ever had a conversation longer than three minutes with him. I know she didn't trust him, with very good reason but FFS I am her sister and what sort of person would have an affair with their BiL any more than you would with your FiL!

I understand less I think now. So you were very close with MIL but then felt like you have to bring up ‘he’s like a father figure’?

It sounds a bit too close and intense with both of them.

All I can say is if you had a relationship worth saving, then give her a break and just back off. Making her out to be so controlling is quite damaging.

Tatiana and onemore thanks for your advice . How would you say is appropriate to interact with my father in law as to not seem disrespectful, but without putting him in trouble with MIL?

And MIL seems to only want me to take sides and side with her against him if I’m supposed to make her feel respected.. I’m not happy to have her drag me into this, hence why my comment about him being a fatherly figure. I appreciate it wasn’t the best response but how else can I respond when she tries to put a weird context into things ??

What’s wrong with me making her feel like I see him as a father figure ? Since to me he is?. Why should that make her feel replaced ? If anything I’m confirming that I have a different sort of relationship..

Also I just realised, when I got engaged to DH, my mil used to slag off her husband to him... when FIl came to visit, I noticed his son was hostile with him. He would drag me to walk fast and his dad was behind us trying to catch up so I slowed down and pushed him back.. So I talked him into being respectful.. his father noticed.. that day was when my fil appreciates me as my DH told me that his father told him “this girl is the right one for you”.

My DH had temper issues with his dad and fil and him had an extremely weirdly competitive relationship. Mil used to incite one against the other as she did that to me too.. I wonder if that’s the type of comment that set her off.. honestly no other interaction of substance for me to think he might’ve said something to make her paranoid...

Orange cookie, you sound batshit. How has OP ‘laid claim’ to her FIL?

She’s married MIL’s son yes was he never meant to get married or form a relationship with anyone ever because that’s stepping on MIL’s toes?

I’ve got IL’s, I sometimes speak to FIL Or text him or acknowledge him when we see family. Which seems to be the extent of what OP wants to do. That’s not ‘laying claims’ on anyone.

I’ve never read anything so insane!

OP, I’d carry on being polite to FIL, and talk to your DH, tell him you are offended by your MIL saying you fancy his dad, that’s a vile thing to say to someone. And deeply disrespectful of you and your DH.

I’d pull MIL up each time she says anything about you fancying FIL, say that’s such a disgusting thing to say, I’m married to your son.

To be honest the last posts all sound a bit intense and volatile all round.

Good luck.

whether I should just respect it as a family way of life, or if I should forge my own healthy relationship with FIL
Her behaviour is not normal - it's abusive and there is absolutely no way that you should minimise it or condone it by 'respecting' it.
To 'respect' it is basically you allowing her to play these games with you - don't do it.

Carry on with your normal relationship with fil - and call her out on the spot when she makes inapproiate remarks.

She is extremely comfortable around other men...extremely comfortable around my father and was known to show excessive admiration to him In front of my mum....She would call up my dad, speak to him, and make inappropriate jokes about him
The best way i find to handle people like her is to answer them with a question - and reference their own behaviour.
So the next time she alludes to you being inappropriate etc just reply along the lines of "oh...so you think the way i talk to fil is inappropriate? Would it be better if i copied your style of communication with others then?" Then do it in front of her.

She's pushing you into either giving in to her or risking a confrontation - i'd take the confrontation anyday.
Giving in to her means agreeing to letting yourself be walked upon and having her ruin your relationship with your husband.

I know it sounds like I’m too focused on fil. Honestly I’m not... I’m just taking it personal as to how I’m judged.

I honestly hardly see him, maybe twice a year.. and due to her imposing her context on things, I ignored many of his perfectly fine forwards....

I never call him... however I do think it’s very rude behaviour to having him excluded from family things like me announcing pregnancy and so I insist on DH that he should be there when we announce. I also insisted that he should be sent pictures of his grandchild (my DS) as I was told he is too “busy” to be allowed to come and see him.. I booked us tickets so he can see his own grandchild because it was absolutely obvious that he was very much feeling left out and he made it obvious to my husband. He has been nothing but supportive of us during times when MIL was behaving extremely unreasonable and bullying her own son.

I do not want to forsake my relationship with him because he is my DHs lifeline.. I have no interest in being close to him but I don’t want to contribute to any bullying. I feel sorry for him.

Thus doesn’t take too much space in my mind. But yes I do have a strained relationship with MIL, I try very hard on my end, so it happens today that I’m wondering whether my refusal to bully her DH alongside her has contributed to our tense relationship.

They’re coming from abroad to visit soon and I would like to know how to behave appropriately to the situation without feeling guilty and taking sides. I just simply believe that even if she has issues with her DH, she shouldn’t be dragging me into them...

I am not particularly “tight” with FIL... I just want to be civil.. honest to god if I behave the way she expects of me with anyone else it would be plain rude. I just don’t want to contribute to any meanness.

My mother was a horribly neous woman. Family holiday abroad once she didn't want to go out wanted a lie down so everybody else went down to the hotel bar area including my dad. One of the staff found her sat crying on the big open staircase telling them 'everybody had gone out without her' etc. Definitely no dementia etc at that time she'd always been a bit attention seeking etc and very possessive of my dad and the reason she'd kicked off then was because dad hadn't dutifully sat in the room waiting for her. She was exhausting be around.