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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or is this suspicious?

110 replies

Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 10:42

If your DH had form for infidelity and you'd spent the past year trying to get past a huge betrayal for the sake of keeping your family together with very young children..

Would a sudden 'makeover' and image improvement make you suspicious, if for no other reason than it coinciding with him spending more time in the company of females at work?

He has just changed positions at work from working alongside only men to now being in a department where %90 of the colleagues are female.

He thinks I'm being paranoid and over reacting. I haven't started an argument but I have told him what I think.

Please tell me whether I'm BU or you would be at least a bit sceptical.

He hasn't gave a hoot about how he looks for the past year, suddenly he's making a big effort and it isn't for my sake.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 29/03/2019 13:46

BTW, I would make the Relate appt, set up baby sitting & tell him the appt is to deal with the impact of his infidelity on your relationship & family.

He then chooses to go with you...either to the first appt (promising start) or follows you in on subsequent appts (slower but still promising).

If he declines completely, then a) you really know where you stand & b) you have some support to work through the crap he dumped on you by cheating. Win-win.

You will be taking control of your life in a positive constructive way.

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 13:46

Way back when I thought he was a half decent human I'd have poured more time and energy into trying to get him to see things from my perspective, I just can't be arsed anymore. He's never been a great communicator but that's probably a red herring for the fact he doesn't like talking about things which make him look bad, aka his shortcomings in a relationship.

Definitely taking the advice on board to just not engage with his shit and concentrate on myself and the DC.

He would never agree to counselling unfortunately, he all but ruled it out when I broached the subject after he cheated. I should have packed his bags then in hindsight.

We live in a rented property which is in both of our names. I have a degree of financial independence, not a huge amount but it's something.

OP posts:
CabbageHippy · 29/03/2019 13:48

@Shookethtothecore - yes in terms of exercise, weight loss etc yes but I did go to the hairdresser this week & come back a couple of different colours & temporary curls

CabbageHippy · 29/03/2019 13:49

OP does not sound like a happy relationship though to have this much doubt

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 13:51

It's not a happy relationship by any standards. Intimacy is forced now after what he did, I find myself hating aspects of his personality but mask it well for the DC and do my best to put on a united front.

On the surface we tick by but the reality is it's toxic and there is no real love left.

I don't know how he feels about me, he'd probably tell you I'm neglecting him again HmmGrin

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 29/03/2019 13:51

Oh no! I think I'd just start a gradual checking out now and if he hasn't moved on by the time the children are at school then you will be able to go yourself.

UniversalAunt · 29/03/2019 14:12

’He would never agree to counselling unfortunately, he all but ruled it out when I broached the subject after he cheated. I should have packed his bags then in hindsight’

So maybe you can tick that one off.

Don’t be surprised if he offers once he realises you are serious about him going.

How did he finish with his Ex?
Might you have been the OW?
Was he single when you met him?

I ask as you may the first relationship where his partner has called the shots & finished with him before he had an OW lined up.

Motoko · 29/03/2019 14:14

Ok, well, when your renewal is due, you'll need to either ask the landlord to take him off the tenancy and he moves out, or take you off it, and you move out. If you move out, you need to get off that tenancy, as otherwise, he could stop paying the rent, and you'd also be liable for it.

LazyLizzy · 29/03/2019 14:14

It goes without saying OP but take all precautions against another. pregnancy.

Once you and DC are living on your own, you will feel so much better not having to worry every day what he is up to.

UniversalAunt · 29/03/2019 14:21

Plan & prepare - physically, emotionally, socially & financially- to move on from this relationship.

It may take some time, but you are taking control of your future.

You are not paranoid, nor are you suspicious.
You have understandable doubt about the value & future of this relationship given your knowledge of his infidelities, & you are hurt & exasperated by his attitude & behaviours towards you.

He’d have to do so much to overcome this & win you back - his wife & the mother of his two children...

curious86 · 29/03/2019 14:21

I think you answered your own question as you seem to be questioning if you should of stayed in the first place. I don't mean to come across nasty or hurtful so please don't take it that way but do you think staying together for the sake of the family the right thing as your children could grow up thinking that infidelity is acceptable

UniversalAunt · 29/03/2019 14:23

’Intimacy is forced now after what he did...’

WTF... no more of that.

UniversalAunt · 29/03/2019 14:24

‘He’d have to do so much to overcome this & win you back - his wife & the mother of his two children...’

Before I get flamed, this was said with tongue firmly in cheek.

ScarletBitch · 29/03/2019 14:27

I think the issue if you were honest OP is not of the sudden makeover, but the trust issues going on in your head and the unhappiness you are in, living in turmoil because you are doing what you think is best for your family be staying together.

You have every reason to feel the way you do, but you have to look after yourself because why stay with someone when you really do not want too?

Your family will still be there if you decide to leave. You deserve to live a happy life with someone who you love and loves you, not someone who cheats. Thanks

christinarossetti19 · 29/03/2019 15:08

So he goes out this morning for a radical transformation in his appearance without mentioning it to you beforehand.

You intuitively make the connection between this and his new position in a team which has a majority of women.

You made this connection immediately because you KNOW that you can't trust him.

You can, however, very much trust your instincts and your right and ability to get your and your children out of this toxic relationship and yes that's where you need to put your energy and focus.

Orangecookie · 29/03/2019 15:56

On the surface we tick by but the reality is it's toxic and there is no real love left.

You know what you have to do then. You can find love again. Start with your kids and the love you can have as a unit away from this.

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 16:16

I wasn't the OW no, he'd been single a long time before he met me.

I've never spoke to his ex to get her version of events as it didn't seem appropriate but his is that he left her because he suspected she cheated, he found messages that implied something went on with her and another man.

The funny thing is though, he claims she was the one always accusing him of cheating and checking his phone.

Knowing him how I do I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated on her and she binned him off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 16:24

I've never once checked his phone, not even after he was unfaithful. I think aside the fact it's not in my nature to snoop I've always been reluctant to look because I expected to not like what I see and not wanted to upset myself. Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz.

It's all a bit backwards really, the bottom line is I just can't trust him. I've not been able to rebuild the trust to an extent where I'm confident he wouldn't do it again, and we're a year in to 'rebuilding' things now.

There were conditions to me staying most of which he appeared to adhere to, except he outright refused to change his number which was something I was adamant I wanted him to do when everything came out about the OW. He still has the same number now that she has for him, despite multiple arguments and promises to change it over the past year.

"It's set up with my banking and all of my important accounts"

"It's a hassle changing everything over"

Two regular excuses to name a couple.

I don't think he's still in touch with her personally but his reluctance to do something so small along the pathway of forgiveness speaks volumes I think.

OP posts:
Motoko · 29/03/2019 17:13

Exactly. He's not bothered about how you feel. If he was actually remorseful, he'd have changed his number, no matter how much hassle it was.

So, time to start planning the split. Have you got anyone IRL to talk to? Please don't be embarrassed, he's the one who should be feeling shameful. You gave him another chance, tried to make it work again, so you've got nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 18:12

I've got my mum, she's good at nodding sympathetically and echoing my frustration but not much cop in terms of practical advice Blush

I don't really have many friends IRL, not nearby anyway.

You could cut the atmosphere with a knife in here today it's that tense. I'm still in a foul mood and trying to avoid him.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 29/03/2019 18:35

Nobody knows if he’s cheating again, although sounds fishy, especially being defensive when you ask him. But you can’t live like this. Not for 20/30/40 years. You’ll drive yourself potty. I know what I’d do, I’d end it. Sorry but you just can’t live like this.

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 18:39

I don't think he's cheating again, yet.

I thought he was making all of this newfound effort to catch the attention of somebody at work, 'peacocking' is the term I've discovered today.

I met him in a working environment when I was temping some years ago so I've seen how he behaves around female colleagues as I was one of them back in the day.

Part of it is insecurity after he cheated and the other part is knowing I can't trust him as far as I could throw him.

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 29/03/2019 18:47

I know it’s been said already but it’s not really about the haircut is it, that’s just the straw that broke the camels back.

Sounds like you have a lot to work through, I can see it coming out on here. It’s like you’re really angry and need an outlet and it doesn’t sound like you have one really.

I hate that tense feeling in your own home, it’s not nice! I hope you find some clarity, maybe personal counselling for yourself would be helpful if you need some more support.

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 18:54

You're absolutely spot on teddy, it's not just about the hair cut.

It's about how all the feelings of uncertainty and doubt have come back to the surface.

He can't be so blind as to genuinely believe it's just about a hair cut, can he?

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 29/03/2019 19:04

Well you said he anticipated you’d be annoyed so that adds a different dimension to things, he sounds like he does know why you’d be upset by it?!