Am I being paranoid or is this suspicious?

[Embarrassedmuch]

If your DH had form for infidelity and you'd spent the past year trying to get past a huge betrayal for the sake of keeping your family together with very young children..

Would a sudden 'makeover' and image improvement make you suspicious, if for no other reason than it coinciding with him spending more time in the company of females at work?

He has just changed positions at work from working alongside only men to now being in a department where %90 of the colleagues are female.

He thinks I'm being paranoid and over reacting. I haven't started an argument but I have told him what I think.

Please tell me whether I'm BU or you would be at least a bit sceptical.

He hasn't gave a hoot about how he looks for the past year, suddenly he's making a big effort and it isn't for my sake.

He’s trying to turn this back onto you to make you seem as if you are the crazy one. It is tried and tested male behaviour when confronted with anything they don’t want to admit.

I’d be mentally checking out of the relationship at this point tbh.

He's being totally dismissive of your feelings

Before anybody suggests I'm stupid for staying, I agree.

You're not stupid, at all. Let's be clear about that straight away

An innocent person who loved you would want to remove your worries. However as he is a cheating scumbag of old, I think you have hit the nail on the head and he doesn’t like it.

Honestly ignore the posts saying it’s because you don’t trust him. Of course you don’t! It wouldn’t be unhealthy to just blanket trust him again. However trust can come back but it takes years I think.

You are perfectly normal for being suspicious.

You need to tell your partner you need reassurance above what people normally need. That this is going to take years but it will improve. As each time he reassures, then you will respond better, and you will trust him more. Look up hyper vigilance and show him that this is normal.

Tell him that this is going to happen, this anxiety in you, every time you feel that there might be signals. And this is not because you don’t 100% trust him, but because you are maybe say, 70% there. And that with reassurance you will get to 99%. Which is okay for a relationship isn’t it?

Relationships are about trust. If you have to play detective, then it’s time to move on. Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you.

He's too enraged about the fact I've mentioned it to give a toss about how I feel or even try to reassure me before flying off the handle

Either a guilty conscience or gaslighting. Either way, he's acting like an arsehole. Sorry, OP. You are perfectly entitled to make your point.

I'd seriously recommend getting your ducks in a row once you've had a chance to calm down. Can you go and stay somewhere else for the weekend to get a bit of headspace? Friend or family?

But I’d second others. Give him a few months to take this in, to start to be more accepting of what is needed, and to treat you better.

Get good counselling.

Then if he’s still not treating you well, get out.

HE is stomping around?!
WTF
The only person who should be stomping around is you. What a disgrace that he hasn’t the decency to realise how lucky he is that you have given him a second chance, you are trying to trust him and keep your family together. He can’t even find it in himself to reassure you, much less make you feel loved and valued.

He sounds only capable of loving himself op.

Of course his new look is suspicious given his history.

Op you deserve so much better. I don’t think you can create trust in this backdrop. He doesn’t sound like he even cares enough to make it happen.

I would separate op, the lack of trust will eat you alive and is a slow death. Agonising.
Don’t do it to yourself.

he's that type of person sadly

Yes, he really is, isn't he? Looking at him and thinking 'that's my DH!' must make you feel quite sick.

Leave it. Just shrug and say forget it, hey I must be overreacting honey! Then start planning that separation. Why waste precious energy even having a conversation with him?

It's understandable that you reacted the way you did. Things have changed now. You are presumably on more solid ground, not pregnant any more, you're seeing him clearly over a period of time rather than being in shock. You know you don't want this any more. That's all good. Don't dwell on past mistakes, just be positive from now on in.

Oh and don't feel you have to justify yourself one bit when you tell him you're done. Not feeling it any more. I guess you did kill what we had, it just took me time to come to terms with it. Yep, blame me all you want honey, I don't give a shiny shit.

Good luck.

I'm looking up hyper vigilance now, thank you all for being kind. I thought I was going to be ripped to shreds posting here

He claims he knew I would instantly think the worst, doesn't that say something? If his intentions were innocent then surely it wouldn't even cross his mind that i'd see it as a red flag. He went for his makeover knowing (his words) that I would instantly suspect he's up to something, or planning to be.

He would have literally no reason to suspect me of over reacting because I don't generally quiz him on things, surprisingly.

He's tried extremely hard to turn it back around on me and make out I've had a meltdown over a hair cut and beard change, even when I've explained very clearly that my guard is up only because of his previous behaviour and what he did and so I'm naturally cautious given the changes at work.

He has been a complete passive aggressive arse and now he's got the perfect sob story to spill to whoever wants to listen "oh she's so paranoid, I'm not even allowed to get a hair cut!"

He'll make me sound bloody nuts won't he.

Years ago he told me his ex would check his phone and check up on his whereabouts, now I understand why.

What a prat.

The key issues are that you don't trust him (understandably) and that he treats your feelings and viewpoint with contempt. That he is not able or willing to be receptive to your concerns and have a calm discussion with you. That he hasn't acknowledged the effect that his infidelity has, inevitably, had on you.

They are no basis for a relationship, regardless of anything else.

And there's a reason that his 'ex' is exactly that OP, I'm afraid!

OP, I don't think this is hypervigilance. That to me implies the issue is on your side.

You've spoken to him once, just once. And he responded by going OTT.

It's not you, it's him. A guilty conscience, trying to get you to doubt yourself. I've seen this behaviour before, and I'd say it's time to get your ducks in a row and go.

He has form with you, and now it seems, form with his ex. Don't waste any more of your time.

I'm emotionally checking out for self preservation due to all the reasons mentioned above.

His inability to see or care about the impact his infidelity has had is a bigger red flag than any haircut, really.

If he was tactile in how he handled my worries this would've been over and done with after a short conversation. Instead he's turned it into a big argument, thrown in some crazy making for good measure and then stamped about a bit.

All that anger is guilt. If he had no history of infidelity maybe you could think it was righteous indignation but even then it wouldn't be reasonable from a calm question.

If I was going to overhaul my appearance my dh would know because I would have talked to him about it, because he's the main person who shares my thoughts/feelings etc. That your dh just went off and made big changes then lights up like dynamite when you feel uncomfortable is such a big red flag.

The trust has gone and I'm not surprised after how he has treated you.
it doesn't matter whether he is or not, you will always be suspicious and looking over your shoulder.
Are you sure this is the life you want? I'm sure your dc would prefer a stress free mum, not always preoccupied with doubts.
he's a cheat and making it out to be your fault. If he cared he'd be bending over backwards to make up for his cheating and be patient with your concerns.
He has no respect for you and family life, why on earth are you with him?
Dump his sorry ass and get on with your life. It's there to be enjoyed

Absolutely it is.

He didn't mention anything about changing his look. He's off work until Monday, went out this morning to grab some printer paper and whilst he was out I text him asking to grab some nappies. He replied saying sure he'll get some on his way back he's just in the barber's having a hair cut.

Then he strolls in looking 10 years younger and like a completely different person

His response is waaaay too defensive.
He should have sat down with you and tried to reassure you.
This just screams projection to me.

I did ask why the sudden change now and he said he had been wanting to do it for a while which was a blatant lie as only a few weeks ago he was saying how much he likes having longer hair and thinks it suits him.

Glad I posted here as he almost made me feel like a lunatic for being suspicious over a haircut.

I am not sure if it's some bad thing that your husband has had some kind of new look makeover, as in going to join a more female environment at work.. He might have got some oddball comments from some women, if he was dressed badly.

Only you can tell if this is going to be a danger point, knowing his passed ways. Some people have a tendency to get stroppy if you call them out on some things, but it's not always as bad as you may think.

What future do you have if you can't trust him. That is the main question you need to ask. He may or may not be trying to impress but do you really want to spend your life in doubt?

That's how he wants you to feel.

I didn't realise that you meant that he'd had this radical transformation this very morning. You're not being paranoid, and yes of course you are right to be suspicious of his motives.

He’s being selfish. He’s cheated before so he should be trying to put your mind at ease, not stomping around like a grounded 13 year old.

You have every right to be suspicious.