Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or is this suspicious?

110 replies

Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 10:42

If your DH had form for infidelity and you'd spent the past year trying to get past a huge betrayal for the sake of keeping your family together with very young children..

Would a sudden 'makeover' and image improvement make you suspicious, if for no other reason than it coinciding with him spending more time in the company of females at work?

He has just changed positions at work from working alongside only men to now being in a department where %90 of the colleagues are female.

He thinks I'm being paranoid and over reacting. I haven't started an argument but I have told him what I think.

Please tell me whether I'm BU or you would be at least a bit sceptical.

He hasn't gave a hoot about how he looks for the past year, suddenly he's making a big effort and it isn't for my sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 12:26

Yes this morning completely out the blue, he moves departments in work on Monday and will be working in close proximity with females only.

He didn't look at all scruffy before, his hair was long but always tied back and well put together as was his beard.

I wouldn't have batted an eyelid had he not had form for cheating, and what I now know as "peacocking"

I've changed my hair dramatically three times since we've been together and each time I've mentioned it to him well in advance and asked for his input as to whether he thinks it would suit me. We don't need one another's permission to make changes obviously but it seems odd how he wouldn't mention it.

After talking with him It's clear he didn't mention it because he "knew I would be suspicious"

It's just so peculiar how he's gone about it, it's the timing I think.

OP posts:
EchoCardioGran · 29/03/2019 12:27

It isn't you. He sounds an arse. and you have done your very best to keep this relationship going.
I would not call questioning a sudden and major change in his appearance etc." hypervigilance". I think it is quite a reasonable reaction to think wtf.
His behaviour towards you is nasty, and putting it all onto you, and I'm sorry that this is happening.

Fairenuff · 29/03/2019 12:28

My thoughts are

  1. You will never trust him so think carefully if you want a lifetime of this
  2. He probably is lining the next one up and preparing to cheat on you again
  3. His behaviour is abusive

Personally I would make plans to leave. There's no point trying to change him, there is nothing to 'work on' as he fundamentally does not love or respect you. The relationship is effectively over already you just need to physically separate now.

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 12:33

I'm going out with the DC to the park shortly so I don't have to be in his proximity whilst he's in such a foul and defensive mood.

I feel as though I want to compile a speech of sorts, putting to him all of the points you lot have made, but from me, to tell him what an unreasonable git he is being.

I feel it's pointless though because he doesn't need telling what he is, he already knows, hence his behaviour. I shouldn't waste my breath I'm just so angry.

I was taken aback and suspicious when he came in, now I'm feeling sad and insecure to boot.

OP posts:
rwalker · 29/03/2019 12:34

So many possible answers .I move around with work bit and dress and smarten up for a few departments where everyone is smarter .

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 12:34

I found myself drawn to the Beyonce Lemonade album last night for some reason, I'm not even into that music and had no idea what was coming today.

Intuition perhaps Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 12:36

@rwalker I agree so many possible answers, in a normal situation I'd never jump to the conclusions I have. It's his backstory, personality and how aggressively defensive he is which has done it for me.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 29/03/2019 12:38

Take the power on this one away from him. It's easy to do. Now you know you're going to dump him, you really don't need to engage - ask yourself, what purpose does it serve, except to give him ammunition for justifying himself? He thinks you're 'grilling' him, 'controlling' him, being 'paranoid'? Ok fine, let's not talk about it any more.

You are going to dump him because he's a cheat. You thought you would be able to work through it, but seeing how things have developed a few months down the line, you've rethought that, you can see there's no future after all. No need to elaborate further.

Get things sorted, and be neutral and polite in the meantime. When you tell him, he'll be full of hysterics and blame, and you can calmly say - 'No, I'm dumping you because you cheated, I thought I might be able to work through it but having given it a good go, I can't. I don't love you any more.'

Him - 'Ooh paranoid, you think I'm cheating again, you can't handle not controlling me blah'

You - 'If that's what you think our relationship has become in the aftermath of your cheating, then you too are saying that we are better apart and that this is the right decision, yes? Surely you will be relieved to be free of being 'controlled' and listening to your wife's 'paranoia'. I'm glad we agree.'

FizzyGreenWater · 29/03/2019 12:43

Oh and you know if you change tack here and start keeping your own counsel, don't be surprised to find HIM coming looking for you to find out 'what you think'... because he KNOWS exactly what he's doing and how he's acting completely out of order in this new, 'post-infidelity' relationship.

Him - 'you're not speaking to me I suppose. Still angry just because I got a haircut, blah...'

You - 'There's no point in anger, no. I have tried to speak to you about how I feel and why, you've given your response and made it clear what I can expect from you - I don't think there's anything more to say.'

Hearhere · 29/03/2019 12:43

He sounds like bad news and very hard work, I'm sure you could have a much better life without him in it 😊

Drogosnextwife · 29/03/2019 12:47

You either repair your marriage, or its over. It really is that simple

I really hate it when people spout this crap. It really is not that simple. All that sentence says is "get over it or leave", it's not easy to get over something like an affair, it takes time. The OPs DH making all these changes to himself, at a time that looks a bit suspicious really isn't going to help with her "repairing her marriage".

EchoCardioGran · 29/03/2019 12:49

Excellent posts from FizzyGreenWater . Forget the speech, he will just sound like a coffee percolator and turn it back to you.
Think about yourself, you deserve more than this.

flumpybear · 29/03/2019 12:57

He's far too defensive and gaslighting too

Personally I'd get my affairs in order, ensure you've got a good get out plan, Make sure you squirrel some money away perhaps with parents or something

Then if start making a huge effort in myself, go out with friends whilst he's baby sitting, I'd be a bit cool with him, but still fine and happy, just a bit aloof and a soupçon of secrecy in your life .... he'll notice 😉
What happens next is kind of up to you and how he reacts

Personally I couldn't be arsed with somebody like that, what are you gaining except white hairs and worry lines?!

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 13:02

I'm going to completely disengage with him on the matter, I won't waste a second more asking him about it or telling him how I feel.

I don't want to worsen a toxic atmosphere in the house but I'm feeling very cold toward him now after his reaction. There really is nothing left to say to him on the subject as he's clearly devoid of the ability to communicate properly.

Balls to him and his daft haircut. I'm sure he'll make the next OW very happy for three weeks before she realises he's awful.

I wanted better for myself than this, god knows how I allowed myself to commit to a man like this and have the wool pulled over my eyes for long enough to have two (wonderful nonetheless) children by him.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 29/03/2019 13:05

He doesn't care that he's broken your trust in him and he doesn't think he needs to earn it back. He thinks all he had to do was say 'sorry' and you'd simply 'get over it'. I daresay he offered some bullshit excuse like "I was stressed about becoming a dad" or 'You didn't pay attention to me" that was really just blaming you for his cheating. It doesn't work like that. Infidelity is such a trust-breaker that it takes hard work on both parts to 'heal' a marriage (if it can ever truly be healed). The cheater must work hard to regain trust, and it can take years. The innocent party must work hard to accept that the cheater can ever truly be trusted again.

Personally, I wouldn't want to live that way. Cheating is an absolute dealbreaker for me. If you break a dish and 'mend' it you'll forever after see the crack in it. No matter how good the mending job is, you'll know it's there. I'd rather throw that broken dish out and buy a brand new one.

Original poster
Embarrassedmuch · 29/03/2019 13:07

Yes he absolutely did!

The explanation he offered for screwing around with another woman was that he was feeling neglected, and panicked about another baby.

"It didn't mean anything" apparently.

This makes it worse because it shows how little he cared about us to risk it all for something that didn't mean anything.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 29/03/2019 13:24

"It didn't mean anything" apparently.

'Well, it meant a hell of a lot to me... unfortunately for you' is the response you will be able to give when you tell him you are separating.

Motoko · 29/03/2019 13:27

Ok OP, let's talk about practicalities.

What's your housing situation? Rented, or owned? Whose name is on the lease if rented?

You need to get copies of all the financial details, pensions, savings, wages, etc. You'll need those for the solicitor.

Ring a few solicitors, and make appointments with them. He can't use any of the ones you see, even if you choose another to deal with the divorce. Choose the one you feel most comfortable with. Ask friends and family for recommendations.

GreatDuckCookery · 29/03/2019 13:30

He sounds obnoxious. If he was sorry about his previous infidelities he would be sensitive to you might perceive his new look instead of saying you’re being paranoid.

Honestly you can do better than this lump.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/03/2019 13:33

They all feel fucking 'neglected' - Diddumsss....
What about the poor woman looking after the baby?
These 'men' need a friggin slap!

FizzyGreenWater · 29/03/2019 13:34

The other way to tackle it mentally is to turn the focus from him to YOU.

What YOU want.

What's important to YOU.

You now know where you stand - so you've got the information you need. He's (oh so kindly!) demonstrated exactly what kind of person he is once the chips are down - which is a good thing, great that he has spelled it out so clearly that you don't need to waste any more time with him! You can forget him now - he's no longer your partner and isn't important. he has been culled, although he doesn't know it yet - and your eyes are already on a distant horizon, planning for a new life Star

This is about YOU and your babies - the important people. He is history. No need for draining, hysterical discussions with nonentities, is there?

UniversalAunt · 29/03/2019 13:38

‘Peacocking’... just brightened my day.

Hmmm, seems he does have consistent form.
Were he in the Grand National, I might place a bet on him.

I echo @Flumpybear suggestion ‘Personally I'd get my affairs in order, ensure you've got a good get out plan, Make sure you squirrel some money away perhaps with parents or something

Then if start making a huge effort in myself, go out with friends whilst he's baby sitting, I'd be a bit cool with him, but still fine and happy, just a bit aloof and a soupçon of secrecy in your life .... he'll notice 😉
What happens next is kind of up to you and how he reacts’

I also say - You are parents to two small children. I think with an obligation to not cut & run.Your H does sound like a disappointment & none too promising for the long term.

That said, I suggest you invest your time & goodwill, whilst you have some towards him, in some couple counselling at Relate who are specialists in couple counselling, particularly in the aftermath of infidelity. Through the process, you both may build a bedrock of honesty & shared understanding to either come together as a couple or separate. Either way, you will be better off as individuals AND as parents.

LazyLizzy · 29/03/2019 13:42

That said, I suggest you invest your time & goodwill, whilst you have some towards him, in some couple counselling at Relate who are specialists in couple counselling, particularly in the aftermath of infidelity. Through the process, you both may build a bedrock of honesty & shared understanding to either come together as a couple or separate. Either way, you will be better off as individuals AND as parents.

Bollocks to that. OP should cut her losses now, she doesn't want to stay with him. He is a prick.

LazyLizzy · 29/03/2019 13:43

Oh and a prick won't want to build a bedrock of honesty & shared understanding to either come together as a couple or separate.

MargoLovebutter · 29/03/2019 13:44

Don't live like this. Don't choose this for yourself.

I'm a single mum. Kicked my cheating ex-husband out this time 16 years ago and raised my two amazing DC by myself.

Either come to an arrangement with your current OH and agree that he can do what the hell he likes, as long as he doesn't bring it home and you don't have to service his 'needs' when he's not getting any and that you will simply stay together until you are ready to leave OR get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Whichever way, please get STD checked and don't have sex with him again ever without a condom.

I'm always reluctant to say "kick the bastard out" because I've been there and done that and single parenthood is not an easy option BUT what I would say is don't underestimate the damage you do to your self-esteem and self-respect by living the way you currently are.