He should have got her a cab first (before his own)

[Jalila07]

Hi, in a desperate attempt to find relief from Brexit, we’re here having lunch and discussing my friend’s date last weekend.

Ladies of MN, please may we put it to you for the casting vote as we’re in some disagreement. To cut a longish story short, the date had gone well until they were on Charing Cross Rd and his Uber came first so he got in it and just left my friend standing on the street!

Now he’s texting her to meet again. She’s inclined to not bother, I feel as if I agree with her, but two others here think she should give him another chance (citing excuses such as traffic, it’s hard for cabs to stop, etc).

WIBU? Shouldn’t he have called her a cab and seen her off before just sailing off into the night? By the way, we are all early 40s so she can’t be bothered messing about.

Thankyou in advance.

I get a sense we're talking about the kind of people who wear shoes that aren't designed for walking, get taxis and cars everywhere, and only go out in a mile radius.

Now, apart from the shoes, I am very jealous, so it's not a criticism....but again, it underlines that OP world is one inhabited by very few people, so of course, also it's a scene that's not recognised by most posters.

I used to be friends with someone like this - it fell apart because the difference in money and planets was just too vast.

I traipsed up to DP's area on the first date. Had to get the rail replacement bus from London to Brighton.

I used to get the bus from Oxford to London to get laid in the early days of seeing DH (otherwise known as the first two years). He was worth it.

Of course Hampstead is not a far-flung destination we were just indicating the kind of distance, but it could be anywhere and the same would apply. I don’t think it does any harm to be a little wary of any man who, on a second date, says to come over his way. As I’ve repeatedly said, she is going, but she wasn’t born yesterday. There are many very entitled men all over the place.

There is nothing particularly wrong with your husband ordering for you in restaurant if he knows the menu or whatever. It’s not all the time and I can’t get worked up. Otherwise I’d do something about it obviously.

No I don’t work - not that it’s relevant to dates or lack of them.

Sorry I don’t mean to ignore anyone, but I have to go into a session soon for one hour.

I don’t think it does any harm to be a little wary of any man who, on a second date, says to come over his way.

And yet you’d give him your address to send a cab, or get into a cab he sent.

Can’t you see the cognitive dissonance in that?

His area of London = more likely to know the restaurants.

It's a suggestion not a summons. She can say no and suggest somewhere in Chelsea.

I can't imagine being okay with surrendering my agency in that way OP - having a car sent for you, having someone else order for you... it would make me feel a little ornamental

*Traipsing to Hampstead
*
🤣 How do you cope with modern life if Chelsea to Hampstead is a big deal?

. And yes, he might order for me if he’s recommending something he thinks I’ll like.

If someone tried to order for me I'd tell them to get to fuck!

No I don’t work - not that it’s relevant to dates or lack of them. grin

Very relevant to this post. You wouldn't get progress in a career if you passively waited for another person to order your food and transport.

It's all very 'Sex and the City' and unrealistic to expect a man to send a car to collect you on a date. Big used to send a car to collect Carrie. Does your friend not drive? I met my DH before mobiles. Dating nowadays is like being on a different planet compared to when I was dating. Everything is more complicated and there's lots of mind games. I don't believe anyone should do all the running in a relationship even in the beginning.

I think the OP's friend is one of those types who think anywhere outside of zone 1 (and probably west London in general) is a step too far. Literally, as she seems to expect to be driven everywhere.

Has OP's friend ever ventured south of the river? 😂

Does your friend not drive?

OP said the friend doesn't have a car, like probably the large majority of people who live in an area as central as Chelsea. There is just no need in inner London - it's a lot of hassle and cost for no real advantage.

I think you do have to have lived in London to understand the context and why most people here, in particular, would find OP's friend's expectations offbase.

Sorry, not had time to read the whole thread.

There was a thread on here a year or two ago where a poster complained that on a business trip (London) her male colleague sailed off into the night and didn't escort her back to her hotel in a taxi. That OP was roundly handed her arse on a plate because, well, it is not 1950.

In this thread, however, I would think poorly of the date, because regardless of equality blah de blah, at this stage the man should be trying to impress you and leaping into his own Uber and whizzing off isn't great manners. Regarding asking me to travel to his place... hmmm. I might be inclined to think the guy was lazy rather than desperate to show off his locality.

IrmaFayLear and what does s woman need to do to impress?

With the greatest respect, nobody can generalise about someone else’s life on MN and tell them they are too passive to hold down a job! Millions of women don’t work for all kinds of reasons. Never underestimate anyone.

Of course I can get around. I’ve travelled the world solo and lived in 3 continents. Also, I think some people on here willfilly misunderstand or take things too literally. DH doesn’t order for me in restaurants asa matter of course. I was responding to something a pp had said on that subject and saying that DHs or some men who do that occasionally might be trying to act out of kindness. Or something like that.

I do feel a bit sorry for you OP because I genuinely don't think you realised how out of touch you and your girlfriends are with the way most (not all) modern, independent women think. Especially ones with careers where they travel regularly. And, as you say, there is nothing wrong with that. We are all different.

think maybe your friend should broaden her horizons a little as what seems normal and expected to you would seem stifling and controlling to many women - particularly a large part of the MN demographic. If the guy is used to that, maybe with women he works with, it seems a shame to write him off so early because his Uber came first and he texted to check she was ok - something which I would find completely normal.

“ I would think poorly of the date, because regardless of equality blah de blah, at this stage the man should be trying to impress you and leaping into his own Uber and whizzing off isn't great manners. Regarding asking me to travel to his place... hmmm. I might be inclined to think the guy was lazy rather than desperate to show off his locality.”

Yes Irma. Thankyou. I knew I couldn’t be the only one.

I'm willing to bet the end of the date went roughly like this:

1. parties mutually agree date is over and wasn't it lovely
2. parties discuss getting home and both decide on Uber
3. parties book own Ubers because that's how Ubers work, you have to book your own, and they'll arrive so closely together you might as well book them simultaneously
4. as this is Charing Cross bloody road in the evening, there are at least a dozen Ubers in a few minute radius and both have cars approaching within seconds
5. man's Uber happens to pull up first, and since it can't wait man gets in, secure in the knowledge that woman's Uber is about 90 seconds behind and woman is fully equipped with Uber's name, phone number, make, registration, and GPS location. And the life skills that enabled her to get there in the first place.

I’ve been criticised on here for using the word “most.” Kenne, now you’re using that word to make your point and fair enough, it’s a perfectly valid one. Maybe you’re talking about “most” British men and women in a certain age demographic? All I wouid say to you is that (obviously) a lot (most in some areas) of people aren’t British-born. They don’t need help, they might just go about things in a myriad of slightly different ways perhaps.