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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He should have got her a cab first (before his own)

999 replies

Jalila07 · 27/03/2019 14:35

Hi, in a desperate attempt to find relief from Brexit, we’re here having lunch and discussing my friend’s date last weekend.

Ladies of MN, please may we put it to you for the casting vote as we’re in some disagreement. To cut a longish story short, the date had gone well until they were on Charing Cross Rd and his Uber came first so he got in it and just left my friend standing on the street!

Now he’s texting her to meet again. She’s inclined to not bother, I feel as if I agree with her, but two others here think she should give him another chance (citing excuses such as traffic, it’s hard for cabs to stop, etc).

WIBU? Shouldn’t he have called her a cab and seen her off before just sailing off into the night? By the way, we are all early 40s so she can’t be bothered messing about.

Thankyou in advance.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2019 18:23

Or does niceness and politeness depend on your genitals... In which case it's called sexism

RosaWaiting · 27/03/2019 18:23

Stealth you have made me lol so hard with both those comments! Grin

def swap your crinoline with DH, he may suit it better anyway.

moosesormeece · 27/03/2019 18:23

I don't seem to be able to leave this thread alone...

Manners are socially determined, and change with time. Otherwise we wouldn't be here arguing about this as we haven't so much as left each other calling cards or been formally introduced. I would personally find it bad manners to have a man attempting to direct my travel arrangements as though I was a helpless child.

BlueSaphire · 27/03/2019 18:24

donquixotedelamancha Wed 27-Mar-19 18:19:07
Its called Good manners.....the man looks after his date in this situation.

@BlueSaphire but my question was why. Why would it be good manners one way but not the other? Why does the man 'look after his date'?

You clearly think this is some universal expectation, but most of us think it's very odd. It seems reasonable to provide at least a cursory explanation of why it should be the case.

……………………………………………….

Most of you dont think that, not if you are reading the same thread as I am.
I would say opinions are split down the middle.

(sorry I am having trouble with the quote thing)

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 27/03/2019 18:24

Good GRIEF no-one in the right mind would drive from Chelsea to Hampstead - just take the bloody tube!

And he has invited her to his neck of the wood, which I think is the right way round; I would feel less comfortable meeting up near where I lived that early on.

However, it seems as though you and your friend have been watching too many episodes of Made in Chelsea.

This thread isn't remotely 50/50, and we are almost all unanimously saying it's perfectly acceptable for two grown-ups to get themselves to a meeting point. Isn't that what she would do with friends?

And yes, Uber lessons for all. He could not have ordered her one AND got himself him. Again, I think nearly everyone in London has an Uber account.

StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2019 18:25

Well he does iron it. Wouldn't surprise me if he tries it on.
I've actually realised how much I appreciate DH from this thread. He's kind and caring and looks after me as his partner. The reverse is also true. If I rang him to pick me up in the middle of the night he would. If I tell him I'm going to get the bus home, drunk, and walk the last mile, he doesn't even think to question it. It's my call.

KatharinaRosalie · 27/03/2019 18:25

he should have rang for his uber after the woman had got into hers

That's not how uber works.You can't order another if your app says you are currently riding an uber. If he had ordered one for her, he would have had to sit and wait until she was home. Also he would have to pay for no matter what journey she decided to take - I would not give my credit card to someone I just had one date with.

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 18:26

It’s not the end of the world obviously, but when did it become normal to slate women for expecting basic manners?

When did women expect to have their travel expenses paid for a date?

donquixotedelamancha · 27/03/2019 18:26

BS I missed your further reply to another poster.

Why are women and children allowed of ships before able bodied men? Why do men traditionally walk on the outside of a pavement? Why do men buy flowers for their girlfriends?

So it's about it being tradition or an old charter or something? You actively value the call back to a previous era?

firstbrightday · 27/03/2019 18:26

I would absolutely not expect someone to get an Uber for me. It's on MY phone - what's he supposed to do, use her phone to order it for her? Hmm

Charing Cross is a busy place even at night. I wouldn't think twice about this.

nutsfornutella · 27/03/2019 18:27

I've read your updates OP and I'm really shocked.

The guy might have suggested Hampstead as most people know their local restaurants better than ones in other areas.

Escorts and Sugar Babies get paid travel expenses. Most women (especially ones who live in Chelsea) can afford a Zone1-2 Travelcard or Uber for the return home.

If she cba to travel to Hampstead then suggest elsewhere. You and your friend are getting your knickers in a twist over such a trivial point. If she goes to Hampstead and he asks her to go home with him she can say no you know.

If the guy had posted here, we'd all tell him to run from your gf. She's expecting behaviour from 1890.

Intheriver · 27/03/2019 18:27

Ahhh I remember when I was 15 I went on a date. Ended up 2miles from home. He lived two miles in the other direction and he walked me all the way home... what a gent! We had no money for taxi Grin

Back in modern day England, I think things have changed somewhat. I would expect ANYONE, regardless of sex, to look out for their date and check they are ok. However I would also assume that most adults will be perfectly fine getting themselves home.

It doesn't sound like he was rude, sounds like it was perfectly safe. I'd also expect to pay for my own meal although it's nice if anyone offers to pay.

Basically get with the modern times OP and your friend Wink

StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2019 18:27

Can people who say it's polite and good manners explain if they walk off thinking the other person is really rude? Because that's the only interpretation.
In which case I think it's ruder to set someone else up to be judged rude :)

BlueSaphire · 27/03/2019 18:28

I dont think the man should pay for the womans transport home, I dont think he should be the one arranging transport, I didn't say the woman was helpless...however I do think he should be the one to leave last if they are going in separate directions.

Thats just my personal opinion...(and my OHs too)

Would it be a deal breaker if I was dating? Depends how much I fancied him.

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 18:28

Love all these people that keep saying what he should have done.....that clearly have never ordered an uber.....ever!

StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2019 18:29

Why should the man be the last to leave? Think about it because if there's no logical reason then it's just like believing in faries.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 27/03/2019 18:29

Why on earth would he need to send a cab for her to get to Hampstead? It's on the tube. Is this some kind of learned helplessness?

Intheriver · 27/03/2019 18:29

Oh and don't worry OP - I think your friend has clearly been out of the horrendous game that is dating for a long time and is obviously very careful and doesn't wish to be hurt. That is understandable.
Your Elizabeth Bennet attitudes have made me smile though Grin

StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2019 18:29

Ie believe what you like but don't assume anyone else agrees with your fantasy

Blackbooty · 27/03/2019 18:29

My 48 year old DH just said he wouldn’t leave his date just standing there whilst he jumped in an Uber and left.

I don’t know why, but I find it really irritating when posters relay what their DH thinks. I suppose it always comes across as so smug. Anyway, I digress.

starsurge · 27/03/2019 18:30

However, as my actions are usually down to either being nice, polite or in some ways just a result of my upbringing and possibly some genetics (after all, hormones do influence behaviour - read, not control!), then I'm gonna say misogyny is a little bit of a stretch.

I think the distinction here is if you'll do the same for your male friends. If yes, then great!

Jessgalinda · 27/03/2019 18:30

I dont think he should be the one arranging transport, I didn't say the woman was helpless...however I do think he should be the one to leave last if they are going in separate directions.

Then she can arrange her own uber, surely? If it's not to him to arrange.

And why should he be the last to leave?

If his uber turned up first?

StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2019 18:30

Yes I've just asked my DH and he said "baby shark doo doo doo doo de doo". Because he's annoying.

StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2019 18:31

I think the distinction here is if you'll do the same for your male friends. If yes, then great!
And if so presumably all his male friends are really rude.

StealthPolarBear · 27/03/2019 18:32

And what if she wanted to go somewhere without telling him? She could have arranged another date straight after his.