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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to handle this situation.....,

104 replies

another20 · 26/03/2019 13:29

Teenage DS has a long term GF. She is v controlling (he can’t see this yet). He wants her included in every family activity which where we can, we accommodate. However whenever there is an extended family event he also wants her to come along even though she has not been invited, is not liked and is not family. This puts me in a tricky situation - should I call the extended family member and ask that she be included at their expense - or ask him to do that himself - or tell him it is rude to ask if someone has clearly not been invited?

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 26/03/2019 13:30

Just say she's not invited, surely he understands?

Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 13:31

What age is he? Could you have a chat with her mum?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 26/03/2019 13:32

If he's old enough for a serious girlfriend he's old enough to deal with it himself. He calls the relative and makes arrangements.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2019 13:32

Just say, "It's just for family. Grandad can't afford to pay for partners."

Justmuddlingalong · 26/03/2019 13:33

B and C. Tell him it's rude to ask for an invitation. If he wants to embarrass himself he can do the asking.

BlueMerchant · 26/03/2019 13:34

I'd tell him it's rude to ask and that I'm certainly not getting involved. If he wants to ask himself that's down to him but it will put family member in an awkward position and make him look rude in the process.
I'd likely warn the family member that Ds may ask but that I'm in no way involved and not to feel obliged if it's not what they want.

icelollycraving · 26/03/2019 13:36

I wouldn’t encourage them being joined at the hip so I wouldn’t intervene. It’s very rude to invite someone to an event particularly if they are not liked.

GottaGoGottaGo · 26/03/2019 13:39

How old is he? If he's old enough to have a girlfriend, he is old enough to understand she can't be included in every family activity, especially if she hasn't been invited! And if he is insistent then he needs to ring and ask for himself, not your job to sort it out. Be firm and sit him down and explain.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 26/03/2019 13:42

I would tell him that you're happy to include his girlfriend in your plans where possible but it's not your place to invite her to events that other extended family are hosting/have arranged. Explain that it if the host/organiser says "tell DS he can bring his GF" then that's fine but you're not going to ask as that would be putting them on the spot and it's just bad manners. Explain that while you understand she is very important to him, she's not technically family so there may be some occasions where it's just not appropriate for her to be there. Don't tell him to ask family members himself if his GF can tag along, they may feel obliged to say yes.

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 17:08

Thanks all. He is 18. Of course I know it is rude to ask to invite someone - but this tricky, demanding character has unsettled all of us. I am disappointed in my DS for not accepting the push back with grace and no doubt there will be fireworks and it will be another excuse where she will put us down.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 26/03/2019 17:12

I would tell him that you're happy to include his girlfriend in your plans where possible but it's not your place to invite her to events that other extended family are hosting/have arranged. Explain that it if the host/organiser says "tell DS he can bring his GF" then that's fine but you're not going to ask as that would be putting them on the spot and it's just bad manners. Explain that while you understand she is very important to him, she's not technically family so there may be some occasions where it's just not appropriate for her to be there. Don't tell him to ask family members himself if his GF can tag along, they may feel obliged to say yes.

This.

And let her just keep on making things awkward for DS, because ultimately he's going to see her for the too much hard work that she is is.

Leeds2 · 26/03/2019 17:14

Could you go to these events without DS and the girlfriend? Is he really that bothered? Or do you think he should attend?

Slimmer2018 · 26/03/2019 17:17

There becomes a time when gf becomes ‘partner’ and yes I would expect them to be invited as a couple. Do the invitees know he has a gf? My niece is 19 and has been with bf since 14 so I wouldn’t dream of inviting 1 without the other. Same for me, I met ex husband at 15 married at 19, I would’ve been upset not to be included at 18. So I guess it depends on length and strength of relationship?

Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 17:23

Unusual for 18 yr olds to want to go to family events, usually too busy out doing their own thing. How long have they been together and what kind of things do you mean?

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 18:22

This event is a milestone birthday dinner for his uncle. It is v sensitive as there has been a significant bereavement so only close family invited. They have been together 2 years. Uncle has never met her.

OP posts:
BritInUS1 · 26/03/2019 18:23

He needs to call and ask himself

mbosnz · 26/03/2019 18:29

I can see why she wants to go, as she obviously wants to make her place in the family.

However, it sounds like it is neither the time nor the place, and they're not doing themselves any favours pushing it. I'd be saying that the mature thing here is to accept the status quo gracefully.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 26/03/2019 18:31

Can you point out that asking the GF would mean that other partners would need to be invited, and that increases costs for the organisers unfairly?

Otherwise I’d just be blunt- “Sorry DS, but given the circumstances re recent bereavement it’s for the best that we stick to close family this time.” and I would t enter into a debate about it.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 26/03/2019 18:58

Given the circumstances, I wouldn’t sugar-coat it. Tell him straight, bereaved uncle’s wishes on his birthday trump teenage girl playing princess. Some time away from this little madam is exactly what he needs.

Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 19:23

Does he attend all her family events, seems odd for their age, usually a family do is the last thing they would go to. Do they go out much? Separately or with friends?

titchy · 26/03/2019 19:31

If you think she is controlling why would you want to facilitate her continued control Confused She's a girlfriend not a partner.

Unless there's a massive dripfeed where they live together and have a baby...

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 19:34

He would only attend her immediate family events not extended family events. He is first year at uni - she has decided not to go to uni. He had a good social life at home before union but she doesn’t like going out to clubs / parties - so he would do those with his mates and she would choose not to go. She spends a lot of time at his uni halls now which we feel is limiting his uni experience.

OP posts:
saraclara · 26/03/2019 19:36

If they've been together for two years, in my family, her presence would be assumed at any get together. Having said that, the bereaved uncle comes first on this occasion. It's a pretty easy thing to justify.

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 19:37

I don’t want to facilitate her control at all - quite to opposite but I feel I need to tread carefully so as not to polarise the situation which causes conflict and I loose him.

But I can see that I am falling into that trap.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 26/03/2019 19:48

This is difficult because they both clearly wish to be treated as a couple, and accepted as such by family. By not inviting her the message they both receive could be you do not accept her. Which to be fair you don't. But it's not a great idea to let her and him know that.

I think I would speak to my son, tell him you'd love her there, but this is close family only due to the sensitivity, and hope he is mature enough to accept it. I suspect he is making a point though and recognises your feelings.

If this relationship lasts she could be your daughter in law, the mother of your grand kids, so you need to tread carefully, basically hope for the best that it ends, but prepare for the worst, that it does not, and he marries her and she is mother to your grand kids.

Peoole have long memories and how you make her feel now could have lasting repercussions l