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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to handle this situation.....,

104 replies

another20 · 26/03/2019 13:29

Teenage DS has a long term GF. She is v controlling (he can’t see this yet). He wants her included in every family activity which where we can, we accommodate. However whenever there is an extended family event he also wants her to come along even though she has not been invited, is not liked and is not family. This puts me in a tricky situation - should I call the extended family member and ask that she be included at their expense - or ask him to do that himself - or tell him it is rude to ask if someone has clearly not been invited?

OP posts:
Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 20:03

She is invited to our immediate family events - just not always to extended family events - and not to this specific one. I am conscious that she could be around long term but also aware that many of her behaviours are controlling and unhealthy. I hope that she matures and he is able to manage his boundaries with her.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 20:08

Does the gf work, have other interests or does everything revolve round your DS? If she's not sociable why this insistence on going everywhere with your son? Sounds suffocating.

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 20:17

She doesn’t have any friends or a social life. She has a part time job - no plans for a career or further study.

OP posts:
ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere · 26/03/2019 20:20

I'm kind of on the other side of this. He's an adult, he's been with his girlfriend for 2 years so it's serious and he wants to bring her to family events.
I know they're young but should that matter?
Would you be upset if your dh didn't take you to a family event when you were dating? (Pre kids / marriage)
Can he invite her but ask her to pay for herself?

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 20:21

If she's not sociable why this insistence on going everywhere with your son?

Because she can’t share him - because she is controlling. She texts/calls/WhatsApp 24/7. We know because somehow the laptop rings when she calls. She is trying to isolate him from his friends and family. She wants to be at the event because she doesn’t want him out of her sight.

OP posts:
ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere · 26/03/2019 20:21

How is she controlling btw?

ImNotTheDramaLlamaHere · 26/03/2019 20:23

Because she can’t share him - because she is controlling. She texts/calls/WhatsApp 24/7. We know because somehow the laptop rings when she calls. She is trying to isolate him from his friends and family. She wants to be at the event because she doesn’t want him out of her sight.

Are you sure this isn't just young love? A first relationship... The wanting to be around each other all the time and talk to each other all the time.

Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 20:23

IN this instance he needs to accept your judgement, if their relationship is strong and they're mature surely they can understand this. Tbf I'd be concerned if my son had a gf like this.

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 20:25

She hasn’t been invited to this specific, small, sensitive family event. The fact that he is pushing back is upsetting and really surprising to me as we have raised our children to be respectful and polite. I suspect GF is on his case.

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Namestheyareachangin · 26/03/2019 20:27

I think you need to provide some background/examples that justify your incredible hostility to this girl, given all you've said is 'she's controlling' without any evidence for this beyond she wants to be treated like your son's partner and invited to things he is invited to - which after two years together is not unreasonable. It's very clear you don't think she's good enough for your son; what's less clear is why.

AnnaComnena · 26/03/2019 20:28

Can he invite her but ask her to pay for herself?

It's not his party - it's not his place to invite her!

Cherrysoup · 26/03/2019 20:30

She hasn’t been invited to this specific, small, sensitive family event. The fact that he is pushing back is upsetting and really surprising to me

Tell him exactly this and say to him it is not normal to ask again when she’s been told no. It’s rude and disrespectful.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 26/03/2019 20:40

This event is a milestone birthday dinner for his uncle. It is v sensitive as there has been a significant bereavement so only close family invited. They have been together 2 years. Uncle has never met her.

This changes things. In this instance I would be pretty blunt with DS that this event is not about him or his GF and that he needs to be sensitive to the difficult circumstances surrounding it. At 18 he is old enough to understand that someone who has been recently bereaved might not want to be around strangers.

Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 20:41

Has there been other things that have happened that they've been thoughtless and this is the final straw?

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 20:46

He had a job in a pub. She would call maybe 20/30 times whilst he was working - or would sit in the pub watching him whilst working.

She would call him constantly when he was at home doing home work and we could hear her screaming at him through the bedroom wall.

She disrupted his 18th birthday party that we had arranged with him.

She disrupted his sisters birthday event.

She insisted that she take him to uni instead of us - we put our foot down.

She has bullied his 8 year old sister - we have had to step in to stop it.

His best friend came to us upset as they didn’t get to say goodbye to him before he went to uni as she had monopolised all his time.

She moved into his hall of residence after he had been there 3 days and planned to stay until we stepped in.....but this has slipped back.

She reads his texts and berates him about messages from his Dad.

We overheard her shouting at him because he hadn’t responded to a text within 3 hours even though she knew he was on a walk with us.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 20:47

Oh dear, this is very bad, can your DS not see this isn't a healthy relationship? She sounds unhinged.

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 20:48

Last post was in response to namestheyareachangings Q.

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Friendofsadgirl · 26/03/2019 20:55

grownandflown.com/unhealthy-relationship-parents-help/

There's some useful advice here. It sounds like a very frustrating situation for you and for him. He probably feels pulled in so many directions. Sad

slipperywhensparticus · 26/03/2019 21:04

You just need to stay calm she has not been invited if he cant accept that he cant come either

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 21:16

Thanks - I know that I am jumpy around this - I know the answer to my original Q and can’t actually believe I asked it - if any of my other children had asked it would be standard simple response - but I am aware that most likely she is yanking his chain as usual.......and I am trying to walk a fine line.

Thanks friend for that link - it chimes exactly with the professional advice we have sought on how to manage the bigger picture. It’s all about highlighting unhealthy behaviours and normal personal boundaries. But it’s painful to navigate.

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Graphista · 26/03/2019 21:33

Aside from telling ds its up to the host who is welcome at an event and it's rude to push for an extra invitation, honestly with everything you're saying I'd be drumming good condom use into your son!

I can see a not so surprise pregnancy occurring if not.

Shame you can't get him to do something like the freedom programme unfortunately

Bookworm4 · 26/03/2019 21:57

Has your DS never said he's worried about her behaviour? Do you know her parents? Surely they have concerns about the time she spends with him.

Jamiefraserskilt · 26/03/2019 22:34

I would speak to them both and explain this event is restricted to close family only and it would be inappropriate for her to attend given they have never met and there has been a bereavement so he wants his family only to be there. It is not a suitable time to meet for the first time. The answer is no. End of.
If she has no boundaries, she needs to learn from someone and it looks like it will be you.

Original poster
another20 · 26/03/2019 22:51

We have spoken with him about the behaviours - he gets quite defensive. He says the texting/calling has got better. We have no way of knowing if this is true as he is away now at uni. Maybe it has as she is there most of the time.

I know from his friend that he split with her last summer for a month. He doesn’t seem unhappy - but I am v concerned. I am worried about a pregnancy - glad someone else has said that - thought I was being mad. Also worried that if he tries to finalise with her she will threaten suicide.

I need to keep close to it - but it needs to be subtle as I imagine she is dripping poison into his ear about his family and how we hate her.....at he will side with her. We hoped that him going to uni would sort it.

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TwoShades1 · 26/03/2019 22:52

I find this very odd. My boyfriends were always invited to family occasions! They are part of the family. I was always invited to their family’s occasions too. I’m sorry but at 18 and a 2 year relationship it’s a bit of a spit in the face to both of them to not be invited as a couple. The only time I would say it’s ok is if it was a “boys trip” or something where it would make sense for her to not attend. This seems like a great way to drive your DS away and make him closer to the girlfriend.