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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to handle this situation.....,

104 replies

another20 · 26/03/2019 13:29

Teenage DS has a long term GF. She is v controlling (he can’t see this yet). He wants her included in every family activity which where we can, we accommodate. However whenever there is an extended family event he also wants her to come along even though she has not been invited, is not liked and is not family. This puts me in a tricky situation - should I call the extended family member and ask that she be included at their expense - or ask him to do that himself - or tell him it is rude to ask if someone has clearly not been invited?

OP posts:
Asthenia · 27/03/2019 15:46

@bookworm apologies yeah I just read properly. Inappropriate in this context. Strange for her to push it.

Ilovemysleepthief · 27/03/2019 15:47

Hate to say this, but this is exactly the kind of situation that ends with a "surprise" pregnancy.

I had the opposite situation when I was younger, and was coerced into getting pregnant by what sounds like a Male version of her.

I'm still tied to this person 16 years later, and still bear the emotional scars as do my family Sad

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 27/03/2019 16:27

I'm so sorry sleepthief. You must be very worried OP.

Sorry for all the nosy questions. I was wondering whether she was travelling the length of the country to visit him at uni. As it's March already it might not be worth rocking the boat re. uni halls "guests" if he's off to a house share next year in any case.

Great that he's got friends at uni at least.

Argh at the gap year shenanigans. Singapore would've been excellent though it sounds like she would've been pestering him online non-stop/ flying out there uninvited.

Any chance you could convince him to go to Singapore over the long summer break? Is the work offer still on the table or did it take some organising?

Good on you for not financing a holiday to the US.

Is his year abroad optional? What happened to her deferred uni place, did she just not take it up? I'm surprised she hasn't tried to get a place at your DS's uni Hmm

I was thinking she had her deferred place coming up this year but it would've been 2018 wouldn't it with them both taking a gap year. It would be ideal if she was going to uni in a different location, making her own friends, having her head turned by some other bloke during Freshers Week (!) Sounds like she has so little going on (work, family, job, study) that she's obsessing over your DS 24/7.

pootyisabadcat · 27/03/2019 16:34

Partners? FFS it's a teenage girlfriend.

Original poster
another20 · 27/03/2019 16:47

Ilovemysleep I am so sorry that you have endured all of that. Was there anything your family could have done at the time to make you see it? Or anything they did that backfired?

I'm surprised she hasn't tried to get a place at your DS's uni hmm I am not holding my breath.....anything could happen. I doubt she would do a course there - she is too lazy and too anti social to go into halls. Her parents let her do what she wants because of her MH - so no pressure to find work.

The year off should have been this academic year (18/19). Yes he could still go to Singapore anytime but I know he won’t. The year abroad is optional - he can also do a term abroad which we are trying to encourage but again he is not biting.

He will be back for Easter next week and have to decide whether to insist he stays home some nights of the week - or just not fight it in the hope he gets bored with her and that the tension then is between him seeing his friends or her rather than us as we can’t win and will be seen as the bad guys playing in to her hands. Kind of “drop the rope” approach.

OP posts:
Kko1986 · 27/03/2019 17:11

Hi
I couldn't read and run. I had an unhealthy relationship when I was 16 till 18 with this guy. I want to put all the blame on him for how things were but it was both. I was clingy he was the first boy to show me attn. My mum hated him they tried to tolerate the relationship but the more mum showed how much she disliked him the harder I clung on to him I caught him cheating so many times I skipped my college to be with him at his.
I found when I was 18 that he was cheating with a work colleagues misses I called him when he was working and heard her specific ring tone in the back I still ignored it. He hit me I ignored it. I kept going back for more. It ended when he got someone else pregnant he was evil when I walked away threatened me put me in a very dangerous situation with the work college who's misses he was cheating with . I was defending him and the guy comes out with a rifle was scary.
My mum knew all along he was not the right person for me . Know in the long run he will understand and you have his best interests at heart but do not give in to this intimate family meal.
My advice would be really include her go above and beyond keep your hate in check and keep your boy close he will need you. Xx

CoraPirbright · 27/03/2019 17:23

Def dont show your dislike - it will only push him away. Could you appear to be all supportive but then try to get him to move away slightly eg saying to him “DO go abroad for that year. You will have all your holidays to be together PLUS you have your whole lives ahead of you to be together but there is only one chance to be 19 and studying abroad”. So it looks like you accept the situation and are supportive of it but subtley you are actually encouraging him to take a break from her.

As for the dinner - just no. She is not invited and it would be incredibly rude to angle for an invitation.

Original poster
another20 · 27/03/2019 17:28

Thankyou Kko86 - your story made me well up - what horrors a young gentle yiu encountered.

Your advice is correct to keep including her as her aim is to paint us a bad and create tension between us - so we need to frustrate her efforts and employ the charm offensive so a wedge is not driven between our DS. I think that we need to keep reminding him what generic healthy behaviours are and pointing out when his time is being monopolised - so that he is informed and can make his own choices.

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Original poster
another20 · 27/03/2019 17:30

Cora that is a nice sneaky way to do it!

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CoraPirbright · 27/03/2019 17:46

Thanks! It’s just that my dm didnt like a girlfriend my db had and made that very clear.....she is now my SIL!!

You could also say, regarding Singapore and the uni year abroad “oh god I love you SO much and am going to miss you MORE than I can say but I really think it would be such a fantastic opportunity and great fun. Something you will forever look back on and think how wonderful it was. So no matter how much I am going to miss you, I really think you should go. It will be terribly exciting” ......thereby highlighting healthy boundaries and the way in which you should behave when you love someone (and highlighting the way in which the girlfriend is standing in the way of all these wonderful opportunities).

GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat · 27/03/2019 19:26

What if she tries to go with him Shock

Sorry I completely got the wrong end of the stick OP. Was her uni place deferred to Sept 2019? Has she rejected it? Sorry if I've got mixed up again.

Original poster
another20 · 27/03/2019 20:16

Yea she deferred to Sept 19 to the city she thought he would be at - but she has decided not to take up this place.

OP posts:
MsInconspicuous · 27/03/2019 20:28

He's an 18 year old young adult. Why hasn't he got a plus 1? Assuming your husband/wife is able to go. Sounds to me as thought YOU don't like her.

Bookworm4 · 27/03/2019 20:47

@msinconspicious
Read all the posts, it's immediate family only due to a bereavement and she's never met the Uncle, it's her controlling her bf

Kko1986 · 27/03/2019 20:59

Hi op
Thank you , I am a much stronger person now but you should know as long as you stay close to him this can be resolved. Good luck if you ever want to talk send me a pm.

Osirus · 27/03/2019 23:49

I don’t think you can “insist” he stays home some nights - he’s 18: an adult. He could marry her if he wanted to, without your permission. You can’t insist he stays in.

You’ll only push him away with that attitude. You don’t want to be the one who makes him feel torn between the two of you.

DeRigueurMortis · 28/03/2019 00:44

I agree with the previous poster.

I think your approach needs to be "carrot" rather than "stick".

Original poster
another20 · 28/03/2019 07:47

I agree it has to be carrot - he’s doesn’t deserve stick he is in a situation that he can’t yet see. These controlling types deliberately set up tension to break the family and friend relationship to isolate their GF/BF - so we need to be very careful to not allow that to happen. Even if that means we have to tolerate physical isolation for a time we will ensure he is not emotionally isolated from us.

And maybe a charm offensive by including her in everything will allow us to have a closer eye on what is going on and the opportunity to educate him on healthy behaviours in the moment.

I have spent a lot of time in the relationships board and have had close friends and relatives take decades to first see and then remove themselves from such relationships - that’s the hard part - watching his life circling the drain.

OP posts:
jinglewithbellson · 28/03/2019 08:01

Op stay out of their relationship in regards to your thinking she's possessive.

Step back. If you come across too involved that puts her in there iyswim.

Just tell him no she isn't invited to this event end of. If he says he won't go without her tell him he's being pretty childish and to grow up and he can call the family member and tell them he won't be going himself if he thinks he's old enough to demand things of others he's old enough to deal with the situation himself

Original poster
another20 · 29/03/2019 14:05

Yes I will step back and hope that he can manage his boundaries

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/03/2019 15:34

We had this with DD2 and a very controlling lad. They met on his final year of uni and her gap year and initially we liked him a lot.

But her starting uni coincided with him graduating (in media or suchlike), totally failing to get the dream job and basically giving up on getting a job all together. He basically moved into DD’s halls with her and very much impacted both her academic work and her socialising and networking.

DD was very vulnerable at the time due to previous traumatic event. They basically took lots of drugs and lazed around all the time.

I will admit we subtly dripped the poison about him and manoeuvred her away from him. She tried to break it off so many times and he just clung on. He finally dumped her a week before her finals.

DD is very regretful that she did not make the most of her uni time. But at least she is free of him now.

Original poster
another20 · 03/04/2019 09:02

TinklyLittleLaugh sadly I think this is where he is headed as well. How is your DD doing now?

I had the conversation with him about generic relationship boundaries this weekend - putting the onus on him to be aware that the 24/7 surveillance was not passionate love but unhealthy behaviour. It didn’t go well - he was very defensive - said that she doesn’t do that anymore (not true there were 3 texts and 2 calls during out 15 min chat) he broke down and cried saying that I hated her and didn’t understand. I repeated that it was not about her specifically but as a responsible parent I had to teach him about healthy boundaries and behaviours and that these are not my standards but he could google any source and he would get a consistent list from a range of independent sources. He stormed off, and back later and responded to my hug - but I don’t think I handled it as well as I could.

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Original poster
another20 · 03/04/2019 09:04

these are not my standards what I mean by this is that I have not come up with a unique random list of behaviours that constitutes healthy/unhealthy relation behaviours.

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PatchworkElmer · 03/04/2019 11:29

This sounds so tough OP. I think you’re doing all the right things- don’t let him become isolated.

titchy · 03/04/2019 12:02

The defensiveness sounds like he is very aware she is massively transgressing boundaries. The tears also I suspect were an outlet for his frustration, whatever the words said. He wouldn't break down in front of her would he?

Can you little by little drip possible action plans - so when he's ready can implement a get-out strategy. As well as the fact that he is not responsible for her, or anyone else's, MH or actions.he is probably terrified of what she'll if he finishes with her.