How to handle this situation.....,

[another20]

Teenage DS has a long term GF. She is v controlling (he can’t see this yet). He wants her included in every family activity which where we can, we accommodate. However whenever there is an extended family event he also wants her to come along even though she has not been invited, is not liked and is not family. This puts me in a tricky situation - should I call the extended family member and ask that she be included at their expense - or ask him to do that himself - or tell him it is rude to ask if someone has clearly not been invited?

He’s 18. Don’t invite her and you may have to do this more than once. My DB had a disastrous relationship aged 18-21 with a controlling lunatic and was scarred for years

titchy thank you for that insight. I thought the tears were his frustration with me which hurts deeply - but I can see that they may well reflect the pressure he is under. She didn’t come to the event and we had to make it clear to him that he was to stay for the duration as she usually rocks up in her car to take him away from things early. He still brought it up with me again - it’s just so weird - I suspect he is under pressure from her constantly about it - so is taking it out on me.

She buys him expensive designer clothes and they basically have the run of the big house as her parents are always away. They don’t socialise as a couple with others and just order in food. So the set up is very comfortable with a lot of “freedom” for a teenager.

I have also noticed a change between first and second term at uni. First term she went there all of the time - now, second term, he is coming down to her home frequently - as “she is finding the long drive (4hrs) tough” - I suspect she is now trying to isolate him from his uni friends and life. Academically he did well in first term - this term it has slipped significantly. I think she would be delighted if he failed his 1st year and ended up back at home.

Hmm, maybe turn the tables? Have a chat with her about how you're concerned about his grades slipping, and what can you both do to encourage him to have better study habits? After all, if she views him as her future gravy train, he won't be much use if he's unemployable. Perhaps if she revisits the idea of uni herself she can develop some other interests. Smother her with interest and kindness, get her on side.

If I am honest the best I seem to be able to do is breezy receptionist - I will find it really hard to smother her with interest and kindness due to her behaviour over the years - but if it helps to stop her isolating our DS so that we can keep close to see what is going on and flag stuff to him then that’s what we need to do. Otherwise as the both sense my coolness they will retreat and we will have no way of knowing if things deteriorate further.