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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Heavily pregnant, but OH leaves me and 66yo DM to move furniture

107 replies

AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 11:49

35 weeks pregnant, DM is round the house visiting me and the toddler.

I'm moving all the bedroom furniture around to make room for the new babies cot, sorting through clothes, decluttering and throwing away rubbish etc. DM instantly comes in to help (shes 66, fit and healthy but does have arthritis in her joints)

OH comes in from a night shift and goes on the xbox rather than going to bed, doesn't offer to help us move the furniture. Leaves toddler in the travel cot whinging whilst he concentrates on his game. Myself and DM have to keep stopping what we're doing to attend to toddler who's having a paddy because he's bored. Travel cot is next to where OH is sat playing games.

I shout through saying can you at least tend to the toddler, he replies "I have give him his dummy" and continues staring at the screen.

What are your thoughts on this scenario, is anybody being unreasonable? Him for not helping, me for thinking he should have?

In general he does fuck all around the house bar cook the odd meal or change the bin.

OP posts:

Crazybunnylady123 · 26/03/2019 13:24

@BigusBumus don’t insult men who play games. The gaming industry is aimed at adults anyway. My dp loves his Xbox and it’s suits me. He’s not out wasting money drinking or out with the boys. Which to me is more immature when you have a family.

Nurseornot · 26/03/2019 13:25

I think he probably doesn't want to feel like he's at her beck and call, like a servant. If she had discussed it with him and asked him when they should do it together, he probably would have done it. I have had this issue with my husband before and everything is about him feeling like I'm telling him to do things rather than us coming to an agreement on when we will do it. Her husband can't just work all night and then do everything else on the same day. The poor guy needs some down time. He's a human, not a robot.

BeanTownNancy · 26/03/2019 13:29

@Crazybunnylady123
Exactly, we can socialise with our friends online while saving money (£5 bottle of wine instead of the £5 glass in the pub) and still be present and available at the drop of a hat if our children or partners need us.

Historydweeb · 26/03/2019 13:30

Useless sack of shit tbh

Chwaraeteg · 26/03/2019 13:30

Shitty behaviour from him but fairly typical in my experience.

Definitely sit down with him and set out what you expect him to take responsibility for after baby is born. Writing it down is a good idea too. You really need to be clear with him about your expectations. Revisit these every few weeks, as your routine / needs change. You need to get him as involved as possible this time around or you will all suffer. Having a newborn and a toddler is definitely not a one person job.

tabulahrasa · 26/03/2019 13:32

I think if you wanted help moving the furniture you should have said so, just telling him you’re going to do it doesn’t really indicate that you want help doing it.

But it’s pretty shitty parenting to ignore your child because someone in another room can do it.

Hotterthanahotthing · 26/03/2019 13:37

I'd love to just work ,chill out and sleep 5 days a week and just help around on days off.

pootyisabadcat · 26/03/2019 13:44

Why do so many women tolerate shit like this?

And then keep procreating with them! And they're never married to the bloke and pack in FT work to look after the manchild's needs and kids so then they're stuck with the waste of space 'partner' and his games console, always 'moaning' and 'nagging' for 'help'.

About half the time the 'partner' also has other kids with someone else who got sick of being his skivvy so left him.

It's depressing how common this is.

Yes, YABU. You knew what you were getting into. He showed you his true colours long ago.

This is who he is and who he'll always be.

Best of luck, you're going to need it.

ladybranstonpickle · 26/03/2019 14:18

Amen @pootyisabadcat.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 26/03/2019 14:19

You keep willingly having children with him, you moan about him then make excuses so I'm going to go with you made your bed now lie in it.

S1naidSucks · 26/03/2019 14:23

I don’t think it’s fair to berate women for having a child with a feckless man, as many of them think this is the norm. You only have to see that by reading Mumsnet. Most women, but not all, join Mumsnet BECAUSE they have children and realise that he isn’t pulling his weight or being a good husband/partner/father. What we can hope, is that by reading comments, they will see that this behaviour and acceptance of it, is not healthy and they will consider seriously before they consider having another child.

MadAboutWands · 26/03/2019 16:49

Errr... Bean so according to you, the OP should have run past her DP before deciding if she was going to build the cot they NEED just in case it was an inconvenience for him. Did I get that right?

Because the OP, A’s a grown up woman, needs to ask for the autorisation if her DP before doing anything at all, incl the basics of ensuring baby has a bed?
Sounds to me that the OP has organised things in the grounds that he was NOT going to help (hence having her mum helping too) butbthat he couldn’t even be bothered to look after his own child, 2 feet away form him.

As for gaming. Everyone can do whatever it wants. But the way he is gaming is what a child wouod do. When this is the only thing that exists, they can’t be bothered to get up for anything and they become blind and death to anything that isn’t the game.
Very different than gaming when your dcs are in bed....
And that, in my books, isn’t aceptable.

BertrandRussell · 26/03/2019 16:57

My DH threw a fit over the weekend when I lifted a bag of chicken feed. He's told me not to lift anything like that again and was properly cross!“

I wouldn’t care for “properly cross” in this scenario, to be honest.......

Haworthia · 26/03/2019 17:04

BUT, if there is something that is screamingly obvious to me, if I ask him about why he didn't do it, he will say he never gave it a thought. I know several men like this, they say 'just ask and I will do it' and they will because they are good blokes who want to, but they need to be asked.

No, this is bollocks. Having a Y chromosome doesn’t make you blind to household tasks that need to be done.

They don’t see it because they don’t see it as their job, but their woman’s job.

“Just ask and I’ll do it” AKA “I’ll assume wifey will do it unless told otherwise”

These men are capable of holding down demanding jobs and organising themselves at work, but are incapable of doing the same at home? Nope. It’s a CHOICE.

I highly recommend reading this. I sent it to my husband years ago, and although he was hurt, it made a massive difference to our relationship and my resentment levels.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

flyings0l0 · 26/03/2019 17:07

I'm moving all the bedroom furniture around to make room for the new babies cot

what do you mean? you are moving the wardrobes and your bed? If so, would it not have been easier to just put the cot next to the bed?

Megan2018 · 26/03/2019 17:13

@BertrandRussell
He was cross because he cares and he is worried. We are 41 and 46. First baby. Last chance saloon. He is desperate for us to make this pregnancy stick and have a successful outcome. As am I but I am just so used to getting stuck in with things that I forget that I need to be more careful.

I have been very much advised to take things easy by MW. I am still riding my horse, but only just.

I'd rather have a partner in life that cares about me and bends over backwards to make my life easier - than some idiot like the OP's.

Ihatehashtags · 26/03/2019 17:19

He’s acting like that because:
You let him
He’s done it for so long and you’ve allowed it
He’s a selfish prick.
Good luck with that. It’s not how a decent man treats his heavily pregnant wife.

BertrandRussell · 26/03/2019 18:37

Still shouldn’t be properly cross, Megan. Anxious of course. Concened. Maybe a bit stressed and exasperated. But not properly cross.

FilthyforFirth · 26/03/2019 18:46

I can't bear threads like this (I know no one is forcing me to respond). Why an earth are you having more children with him? I genuinely dont get it?!

Megan2018 · 26/03/2019 18:47

@BertrandRussell
Whatever. I did not ask for comments on my relationship from you thanks. I’ll stick to the Sept pregnancy thread, this area is clearly full of idiots with inflated opinions.

Original poster

AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 19:38

There is a bigger picture here he doesn't sit on the xbox every spare moment he gets ignoring the toddler. I'm not that stupid I'd have children to somebody who is totally useless, let alone two. He works hard to provide for us and him doing so allows me to be a SAHM which I wanted to be whilst my DC are very young.

When I was working he did more housework but has settled into doing next to none now because I'm at home and %80 of the time Its already done. I would however appreciate if he did more from time to time.

OP posts:

BeanTownNancy · 26/03/2019 20:05

@MadAboutWands
I'm only saying that she could have run it past him to decide on a time that was convenient for both of them, or at least mentioned it in advance so he could have been prepared for the fact that after his long, physical night shift he wouldn't be able to chill out like he had planned. Like if he had got home from work and then decided he was going to go out and change the oil in the car for 2 hours without having told his wife that she would be left looking after the baby at no notice after a long day of childcare, she would probably (and rightly) be miffed. I was just suggesting another point of view, because it might help the OP to have a slightly different perspective - if it's not relevant to her situation she is free to disregard it. I personally believe that if you plan to do something which will affect your partner it is considerate to let them know - it's not about asking "permission", just working as a team.

Original poster

AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 20:59

I do agree with your point Bean

In hindsight It was an inconvenient time to start moving furniture. I could have suggested we do the bedroom on his night off and I know he would've had no problem with doing it himself.

OP posts:

Jellyfloodagain · 26/03/2019 21:14

If Dp expected me to help move furniture around after a 12 hour shift in my very busy job I wouldn't be impressed. I can just about manage to put my toddler to bed before collapsing in a heap. He shouldn't have ignored your toddler but I think you were expecting too much with the furniture and should have waited until he was off.

doodleygirl · 26/03/2019 21:16

FFS what kind of man does this? Why is your bar so very low?

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