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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heavily pregnant, but OH leaves me and 66yo DM to move furniture

107 replies

AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 11:49

35 weeks pregnant, DM is round the house visiting me and the toddler.

I'm moving all the bedroom furniture around to make room for the new babies cot, sorting through clothes, decluttering and throwing away rubbish etc. DM instantly comes in to help (shes 66, fit and healthy but does have arthritis in her joints)

OH comes in from a night shift and goes on the xbox rather than going to bed, doesn't offer to help us move the furniture. Leaves toddler in the travel cot whinging whilst he concentrates on his game. Myself and DM have to keep stopping what we're doing to attend to toddler who's having a paddy because he's bored. Travel cot is next to where OH is sat playing games.

I shout through saying can you at least tend to the toddler, he replies "I have give him his dummy" and continues staring at the screen.

What are your thoughts on this scenario, is anybody being unreasonable? Him for not helping, me for thinking he should have?

In general he does fuck all around the house bar cook the odd meal or change the bin.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:18

@HennyPennyHorror There would be zero chance of it getting done if I had waited until he'd been to sleep. He leaves for work within the hour of waking and wouldn't have wanted me faffing about in there around him. I also wouldn't have had DM here able to help.

I had a three hour window to get it done today, between 9-12, and it needed doing. He never goes to bed before 12.

OP posts:
BigusBumus · 26/03/2019 12:18

Any "man" who still plays on an Xbox is an absolute child.

HennyPennyHorror · 26/03/2019 12:19

Amy I'm not saying he was right to act as he did...but why didn't you wait till he wasn't fresh off a night's work? It's frankly odd to start moving furniture with the expectation that he'd help when he's been on nights!

BlueSkiesLies · 26/03/2019 12:19

Meh. You’re choice to shack up and pop out kids with someone so useless. Made your bed now lie in it.

Yabbers · 26/03/2019 12:20

what's annoyed me is that he didn't have the decency to offer.
And yet you’re having two children with him?

This level of selfishness can’t come as a surprise?

HennyPennyHorror · 26/03/2019 12:20

Does he work 7 nights a week? Confused

NutElla5x · 26/03/2019 12:21

If you are worried about harming your unborn child,why on earth couldn't you have waited until your husband was home to help,instead of lugging furniture around on your own op? Tbh I'd have been more pissed off about him choosing to play on the playstation rather than play with his child. That's mean and selfish, and I wouldn't be having any more kids with such a crap excuse of a father that's for sure!

JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:23

YABU to not call him out for his lack of parenting, he sounds like a wayward teenager. Yes it would be nice if he had thought to help, and he's not stupid he knows that's the decent thing to do, but he knew he didn't have to as he managed to play his game and absolve himself of responsibility for his child and for the job you were doing.

If you expect better from him, tell him. It sounds like you'll soon have 3 children! Honestly, you deserve better. He has a toddler and a pregnant wife and he just decides playing his game is the important task? Pathetic!

BarbarianMum · 26/03/2019 12:24

In general he does fuck all around the house

Well thank God you decided to have another kid with him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/03/2019 12:24

WHY do you put up with this shit?? ;If you do, you will need to continue to do so, he wont change.....

Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:24

He works 5 nights a week. In all fairness it probably could have waited until he was off work but he's not off again until Saturday. I'm nesting like a mad woman at the minute and had the urge to get it done.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 26/03/2019 12:26

As Barbarian said, thank goodness you are having another child with this Manchild. Good luck with that....

user1480880826 · 26/03/2019 12:26

Your kids are going to get a very distorted view of how parents share the workload. It will be like growing up in the 1950s. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking it’s ok for the father to sit on his arse while the mother does everything. It doesn’t matter that he goes out to work. He still needs to pull his weight at home. Looking after a house and children is not a 9-5 job. Tell him to grow up before it rubs off on your kids.

Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:27

It's a bit late to send the DC back so not sure what I can do about that now Grin

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 26/03/2019 12:27

Is it a high risk pregnancy OP? I ask because I was under the impression that lifting things is absolutely fine even in late pregnancy.

GabsAlot · 26/03/2019 12:28

he cant be that tired if he can concnetrate on a game-it might be gruelling doing nights my dh comes in goes straight to bed cant keep his eyes open for long-if he can stay up he can play with his child

Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:29

Nope not a high risk pregnancy, but I do have SPD which can be very painful.

OP posts:
IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 26/03/2019 12:30

You have chosen this man to have children with Op, so presumably he must have some redeeming features? In my experience you have to tell men exactly what you want done (I know there are some men who actually can see what needs doing, but in my experience they are very rare). So next time you want something done, tell him directly that you need him to do x,y,z now, then hide the fucking x-box.

Just because he works fulltime doesn't mean he gets out of doing chores at home, how do you think single parents/singletons manage? When they get home from work, stuff still needs doing and they do it, or they would live in a pigsty with no clean clothes and no food in the house.

Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:30

That's what I think also. If he's awake and alert enough to want to play on the Xbox for a few hours surely he's able to spend that time on more constructive activities like playing with the toddler.

If he was always so exhausted he was falling asleep as soon as he got in there's no way I'd expect him to do anything except go to sleep and rest.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 26/03/2019 12:31

Gabs I can play when I'm exhausted. Some people use it to wind down.

Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:32

He does say the same, he plays it to wind down. It's his chill out time after work.

OP posts:
JaneEyre07 · 26/03/2019 12:33

If my DH bought a games console home, I'd smash it with a hammer and I'd ring a solicitor to file for divorce.

Nothing less attractive than a grown man who thinks he is still 6. Ew.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/03/2019 12:35

If he works 12 hour night shifts 5 nights a week and it could have waited until Saturday but you didn't want to... yeah I'm calling you being slightly more U. I used to work 12 hour night shifts and coming in to my MIL moving stuff around my house would have sent me potty.

I think ignoring the toddler was an issue, after all you're a parent 24/7 regardless of everything else. But the 'nesting'? Could have waited.

MeAgainAgain · 26/03/2019 12:37

I never understand things like this

Here it would go

Hello DH home from work are you knackered, we're just going to move this furniture can you help

If you want something ask

I hate all this psychic stuff
Yes obviously it'd right to offer to help but when he didn't why didn't you just ask him

kayakingmum · 26/03/2019 12:40

Was it a tough shift and he was desperate to relax for a bit?