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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Heavily pregnant, but OH leaves me and 66yo DM to move furniture

107 replies

AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 11:49

35 weeks pregnant, DM is round the house visiting me and the toddler.

I'm moving all the bedroom furniture around to make room for the new babies cot, sorting through clothes, decluttering and throwing away rubbish etc. DM instantly comes in to help (shes 66, fit and healthy but does have arthritis in her joints)

OH comes in from a night shift and goes on the xbox rather than going to bed, doesn't offer to help us move the furniture. Leaves toddler in the travel cot whinging whilst he concentrates on his game. Myself and DM have to keep stopping what we're doing to attend to toddler who's having a paddy because he's bored. Travel cot is next to where OH is sat playing games.

I shout through saying can you at least tend to the toddler, he replies "I have give him his dummy" and continues staring at the screen.

What are your thoughts on this scenario, is anybody being unreasonable? Him for not helping, me for thinking he should have?

In general he does fuck all around the house bar cook the odd meal or change the bin.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:41

I didn't ask him because it did occur to me that he'd just got in from working all night.

I think my grievance is more about him leaving the toddler to throw a tantrum in his travel cot, than not helping with the furniture tbh. I've clubbed the two together because I felt annoyed iykwim.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:43

His job is physically demanding I can't take away from the fact he works hard. I don't begrudge how he chooses to wind down, he just gets on my nerves sometimes because once he's plugged in to xbox live he's oblivious to his surroundings.

OP posts:
MadAboutWands · 26/03/2019 12:47

but shouldn't he have done that anyway as a matter of courtesy?
Sorry you are wrong. He shouodnt have helped you out of courtesy. He should have helped because he is a father and as a father, one of his responsibilities is to parent his child. He didn’t need to do it out of courtesy, which implies he is helping and it’s not his responsibility.

If he is well enough and not so tired from his shift that he can play in the Xbox, then he shouod be moving his arse and sorting the furniture out because, again, sorting th cot etc... is his responsibility too. Not just yours.
Same with cooking, cleaning the house etc etc.
You should never have to ASK him to HELP. The automatic response shouod be him getting up and getting on with it. No asking. Not helping. But sharing parental duties equally. And sharing looking afetr the house equally.

Nanny0gg · 26/03/2019 12:47

Not sure why you asked.

You're excusing him. So this will continue...

Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 12:48

I need to add that he does do the brunt of childcare when he's off work to give me a break, and always cooks on days he's not working. He isn't completely useless.

OP posts:
MadAboutWands · 26/03/2019 12:50

I don't begrudge how he chooses to wind down, he just gets on my nerves sometimes because once he's plugged in to xbox live he's oblivious to his surroundings.
Stop making excuses for him.
Like any parent who is working, when he comes back home, he can’t just switch off. He might have stopped working but he is still a parent.
I don’t know any mothers who come back home after anfull day and start winding down by playing video games. They will come back home and lo9 afetrvthe dcs, Cook a meal, sort the washing out etc etc.
Why shouod it be different for a father? He is back home. It doesn’t matter if needs to wind down. His child takes priority. Like it is for any decent parent.

MadAboutWands · 26/03/2019 12:52

Still excusing him.

Come on. You need to start having higher expectations from him. Make your standards higher.
Expect him to behave like a decent father. Not a man who is happy to just ignore his own child.

Proudirishnotpaddy · 26/03/2019 12:52

Would you mind not using the phrase “having a paddy” in future, and use “throwing a tantrum” or having a strop or similar in future.

Throwing a paddy is racist towards Irish people.

Thanks

RomanyQueen1 · 26/03/2019 12:54

You need to ask him to help as he can't see it for himself.
tbh a man playing on a games console as a grown up would have been a red flag to me and no way would I have a child with him.

Jane Eyre Grin some women think it's normal, acceptable and then complain their dh is like a child, what on earth do they expect.

itsgoodtobehome · 26/03/2019 13:03

Why are you having another child with this man?

BeanTownNancy · 26/03/2019 13:04

Would just like to express my opinion that anyone insulting adults who happen to enjoy playing video games should shove their narrow-minded opinions right up their arse. There's nothing wrong with it, in moderation, like any other hobby. No more childish than watching football, considerably better for your brain than watching TV. I'm a working professional mother, a fully mature human adult and not a child just because I happen to enjoy challenging my mind with video games after my children are in bed. Hmm

OP, you chose to do something you knew would inconvenience everyone (even though I understand it needs doing, it could have waited until his day off probably). If you knew it was going to impact him straight after a long shift, it would have been nice of you to have run it by him in advance and agreed what he would help with (whether that was helping or watching the toddler.) On the other hand, he should not have ignored his child if he was closest and had the ability to do something about it, even if he was theoretically passive-aggressively annoyed at your slightly inconsiderate behaviour (which I suspect could be his point of view on the matter). Feel free to be annoyed with him, but ultimately just take it as a learning experience and 1) agree a plan and split of duties in advance and 2) just outright ask him - impotent rage serves no purpose at all.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/03/2019 13:05

Oh God, another one of those. I'm amazed how many women live with these idiots.

And not only live with them but continue to procreate with them. I couldn’t have any respect for an arsehole who acted like this and for that reason I certainly couldn’t have sex with them.

kingfisherblue33 · 26/03/2019 13:07

In general he does fuck all around the house bar cook the odd meal or change the bin.

It's a bit late to send the DC back so not sure what I can do about that now.

Well, you could have thought about it ebfore or had a conversation with him before!! If he's always behaved like this, when he's not going to change, is he?

You could have waited to move furniture around, tbh. He deserves some wind-down time after working. But putting the toddler in the travel cot and ignoring them is a bit shit. The toddler will grow up thinking that's how men/parents behave. Their games are more important than their children.

Justaboy · 26/03/2019 13:07

Xbox = Addiction;(..

Next?.

beefthief · 26/03/2019 13:08

Sounds like a lack of communication in both directions.

Piglet89 · 26/03/2019 13:11

I second what @proudirishnotpaddy said.

Had you not posted that, I’d’ve done so myself.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/ethical_dilemmas/3301672-Is-saying-having-a-paddy-racist

FizzyGreenWater · 26/03/2019 13:11

It's a bit late to send the DC back so not sure what I can do about that now.

But not too late to return him for a partial refund in the form of actually LESS work to do once the giant gaming man-baby is gone. Get rid, it won't ever get any better and you'll just feel worse as time goes on.

It really is that simple. A man who will sit and stare at a screen when his distressed child is next to him and there's work to be done - omg, how can you even bear to look at him? Jesus!!!!

CatG85 · 26/03/2019 13:12

My DH would go mad (not in a horrible way) if he came home and found me moving furniture whilst pregnant, my DM wouldn't let me do it either. Your wellbeing comes first, you should have just waited for a day when he's off work and asked for help. Then he has no excuse for not helping, not that work is an excuse as mot people do that alongside a 100 other things!

Original poster
AmyUnreasonable · 26/03/2019 13:13

Genuinely sorry for the paddy comment. I can honestly say I had no idea of the correlation. It's a frequently used term I've heard to describe temper tantrums, I never associated it to the Irish. Thanks for bringing that to my attention I'll be sure not to use it again.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 26/03/2019 13:15

@BeanTownNancy

Quite right. How many complaining about grown men playing xbox, play games on their phones?

Adult gaming is a massive industry.

Nurseornot · 26/03/2019 13:16

Wow is everyone here married to super robot partners or something? I think these responses about your husband are harsh OP and unrealistic. Yes, it would have been nice of him to help you but in reality you should have just discussed what you wanted to do with him first. He probably could have told you he was just physically tired and wanted to relax on the sofa a bit, but you carried on with what you were doing and he didn't want an argument/be attacked for being "lazy" for not doing everything nonstop especially with his MIL there. The furniture was not an emergency.

He does not sound like a bad guy to me! He works hard at night to take care of his family, and yes XBox is his mental health break. Different strokes for different folks, I like long showers and my husband likes to play a video game and it's not the end of the world. Smile

I think cut him a break; night shift jobs aren't easy.

Shoxfordian · 26/03/2019 13:16

He's a dick. He should be moving the furniture for you whilst you're pregnant not sitting on his arse. Good luck having three children in the house

1forAll74 · 26/03/2019 13:18

Your partner sounds ok really,all said and done,this was just a minor irritation. But don't know anything about X box things, never had these things years ago.!

theWarOnPeace · 26/03/2019 13:19

In general he does fuck all around the house bar cook the odd meal or change the bin.

I need to add that he does do the brunt of childcare when he's off work to give me a break, and always cooks on days he's not working. He isn't completely useless

So which is it to be, OP? To be honest, if I came in from a night shift and my DH had decided that it was the perfect ‘window’ of time to start moving stuff around I’d be pissed off, as I’d want to crawl into the moving bed. Why didn’t you ask him on his day off? Also, barring other issues, I think it’s perfectly doable to shuffle around some furniture. My current bed is too heavy to lift for me, even with help, but ones I’ve had previously I could just slide over to wherever I wanted to. Unless it’s extrenely heavy, and you’ve got health problems, then YABU.

Yabbers · 26/03/2019 13:20

Wow is everyone here married to super robot partners or something?
Because a man who helps out around the house is something a woman shouldn’t expect.

DH isn’t a super robot, but he is a decent human being and wouldn’t watch a heavily pregnant woman shift furniture.