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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to emigrate?

118 replies

pastaparadise · 25/03/2019 21:32

DP is desperate to emigrate. He doesn't like the area we live in (too wet, too busy/ bad traffic), and wants to live abroad. He's recently decided he wants us to emigrate to New Zealand. We went on holiday years ago and both loved it, & he could get a working visa.

However, I am reluctant to leave. Dm is widowed, ill and old, and i currently live very close and see her a couple of times a week/ help out (closest sib is 3 hours drive away). I would feel terrible leaving her, guilty and very sad about this. DP feels that she should move closer to my sibling and go into a home - problem sorted.

We have 2 young dc. Dp feels i am stopping them having a much better life overseas, but i worry we will be completely cut off from friends and family, and with young children it will be impractical/ too expensive to travel back to the UK much (we dont see his family much, but i get on well with my sibling and our dc with their cousins). Worth mentioning that whilst quality of life looks great in nz, we actually live in a lovely house in a lovely safe place (although the commute is shitty neither of us have to do it often).

I also worry that should we go, dp wont want to come back and that i will get stuck their regardless. However, dp is very resentful that i won't go and thinks that I'm being selfish putting me and my mum above the needs of our own family. As history, prior to dm being ill, df was ill for a long time before dying, so i didnt want to move pre dc (although dp never had a proper job offer to go anywhere). Dp says he feels trapped and feels if we wait for dm to die before we go it will be too late for lots of reasons.

I dont want dp to be unhappy and increasingly resentful, but also dont want to emigrate so far away. AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
ElloBrian · 25/03/2019 21:38

You’re not even married? No, don’t go. Emigrating and building a new life is hard enough even when everyone concerned in 100% all-in. Going when you’re not sure is a potential disaster.

In your shoes I wouldn’t go.

KateGrey · 25/03/2019 21:40

I’d be loathed to go. You all have to be in agreement. Also, I’d be worried not being married.

funtimespeople · 25/03/2019 21:42

There's no way I would move countries with children if I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to stay long term. I have more than one friend stuck thousands of miles away separated and unable to leave due to the DC's.

You're reasons for staying are just as valid.

Chloemol · 25/03/2019 21:42

The grass isn’t always greener. I had relatives who pingponged between NZ and UK as they couldn’t decide! Just because you liked it a few years ago doesn’t mean it will be ok now. Perhaps a long go,i day to really look at jobs, schools, houses etc to see if he could make it work? But i agree if you don’t want to go you will end up resenting him if you go. And he won’t be happy if you don’t go. Send him on his own?

Ragnarthe · 25/03/2019 21:43

Don't do it. It's hard enough when you want to be there.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/03/2019 21:44

I could never move as far as New Zealand, we looked at Canada as its a much shorter flight but neither of us felt that leaving our families would be something we could cope with as they got older.

jiggsymalone · 25/03/2019 21:47

I am your DP in this situation. I want to move away but my DH doesn't. Sometimes I feel trapped and it gets to me and my DH has said that if I really want to force him to then he would to make me happy but I would never do that and your DP shouldn't be trying to do that either. You are a partnership so to do something so huge, both of you need to want to do it. I started to feel happier in myself when I stopped looking at moving away as an escape from all the things that bother me in my own life, and started focusing on changing things here. I think it's likely there's deeper issues behind your DP wanting to emigrate so badly and he maybe needs to spend some time getting to grips with what they are as otherwise even if you were to emigrate those issues would just follow him.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 25/03/2019 21:51

Have a look at expat forums. I was on one for the many years it took to organise going to Canada & it was illuminating.

DH decided he couldn't part me from my DM, so we didn't go.

A thing to consider with kids is that you may end up having to stay in NZ, even if you split up possibly, as the kids could be made to stay. Certainly saw women having to stay in Oz.

Happynow001 · 25/03/2019 21:52

DP feels that she should move closer to my sibling and go into a home - problem sorted.

^^ And How would your DM feel about this? Older people get very reliant on the routines and people they know, so their GP who may have known them for a long time, dentist and other medical workers. She'll know about the local shops etc in the area and know people locally who she can have a chat with. It can be very difficult and a rather scary for them just to be lifted out of their comfort zone and start again when they are elderly.

Also how does your sibling feel about this?

I think you are also wise to consider all the pitfalls, including the situation with your children if things didn't work out in NZ but you couldn't leave - what would happen then? More talk and long term thinking needed here OP - even if your mother was not in the equation you need to be 100% sure this is right for you, as well as your children.

greenlynx · 25/03/2019 21:57

YANBU at all, why should you move if you like where you are?
It sounds for me as he’s not happy with his life and sees this move as a second chance. I would be very careful. In my experience you need to be pretty successful and confident to do this. The grass is never greener. He might be easily unhappy about something else in NZ.
Also I would never ever move if you are not married.

Original poster
pastaparadise · 25/03/2019 22:04

Thanks for replies. All echoing my own reservations.

Dm has dementia so i dont think she'd cope well with a move, and my sibling works full time so wouldn't get a lot of chance to visit her. I dont like that dp sees nothing wrong with this option.

I am very wary of getting stuck out there with no family or friends. But why would marriage make a difference? - realise I'm more vulnerable financially here but would emigrating make it worse?

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 25/03/2019 22:08

I've lived in 8 countries and no, YANBU.

There is a fuck load of mental energy required to make emigrating work (and I say that as someone who loves doing it). In a million years I would never pressure someone into it, it's hard enough when everyone wants it to happen.

Purpleartichoke · 25/03/2019 22:09

He could get a work visa, but what about you. Would you be completely dependent on remaining in his favor? Right now whether you work or not, you have options. You can get a job, change jobs, move, stay with family, etc. Depending on the rules of your emigration, you might unable to do any of those things.

Boulshired · 25/03/2019 22:12

My friend is in the states, not married and took the career hit with DCs. Her relationship is nearly over, she is suffering financially and her DCs would never move to the uk. I would have loved to emigrate but I would want to be financially stable if the worse happens.

HeathRobinson · 25/03/2019 22:15

Even if you went and you were on exactly the same financial footing with dp working -

you've left behind your mum, your sibling, dc's cousins and friends, your friends and your job.

What will you gain to balance that out?

BigChocFrenzy · 25/03/2019 22:16

Do NOT do this with DC

Your DP will probably want to stay and you legally won't be allowed to take the DC back to the UK to live, if he objects

Do NOT let yourself be dragged away from the house, area and family you love.

You would be in a strange country with zero support network - and then stuck there if you break up with your DP, which is more likely when you emigrate away from all you have known.

Cushellekoala · 25/03/2019 22:17

Obviously i know this is not definitive but i recently watched one of those a new life in the sun programmes. A couple wanted to emigrate to NZ and hoped to have a better standard of living. Their parents did a lot of childcare for them as both parents worked. When they worked out potential salaries and living expenses it was actually quite a lot more expensive and they ended up staying. The fact that its about as far away as you can get from the UK means that it will be very expensive for you to come back, or for friends/family to visit.

CantYouSleepLittleBear · 25/03/2019 22:27

OP I can sympathise - I'm in a similar situation.

@BigChocFrenzy can I ask why this is? legally won't be allowed to take the DC back to the UK to live, if he objects and stuck there if you break up with your DP

@jiggsymalone the points you raise are really thought-provoking, thank you

SmallAndFarAway · 25/03/2019 22:40

legally won't be allowed to take the DC back to the UK to live, if he objects and stuck there if you break up with your DP

The Hague convention - you need the other parent to agree that you can move to a different country with your children, or you will be considered to abduct them. Doesn't matter that you came from the UK originally, if your partner doesn't agree to you bringing them back there you can't do it legally.

Which is a good thing if you think about it from the point of view of the other parent, but definitely something to consider before emigrating...

CantYouSleepLittleBear · 25/03/2019 23:10

Crikey. Thank you @SmallAndFarAway

Tartanwarrior · 26/03/2019 06:47

Quality of life ISNT just about house size and the ability to go kayaking. What about being close to extended family? Your kids will grow up in isolation from family, which ( in my opinion) impacts quality of life.

BlackSatinDancer · 26/03/2019 07:25

You need to 100% want to emigrate yourself to even think it will work out. It is clear you don't want to, so just say no.

I think your DH's attitude regarding putting your DM in a home and moving her by your DSis is appalling. You would be cutting off your DM's support system and you'd have to go knowing you would probably never see her again. Could you live with abandoning her in her hour of need and just coming back for her funeral? It doesn't sound as if you can.

I think you have a bigger problem than this decision as you and your DH seem to be at different ends of the compassion scale. Unless it's how your post is written, there is something off about how your DH sounds. Is he usually controlling/dictatorial?

PregnantSea · 26/03/2019 07:25

DH and I emigrated a few years ago. We're happy that we did it and it was the right decision for us. However, we both wanted to and although we had some reservations it was a choice we made together. No one coerced the other.

In regards to family it is quite tough. I love my new life here but I do feel very guilty about leaving my mum on the other side of the world. I sometimes feel like I've taken her grandchildren away from her and I was the only child who really helped her with anything. And I get envious when people talk about their relatives coming over regularly to help with the DCs. I even get envious when they complain about mum's and mils overstepping boundaries and wanting the baby overnight! I wish I had those problems. My DH and I are completely on our own when it comes to DCs. Neither of us come from wealthy families and the simply can't afford to visit more than once in a blue moon. DH's parents have never been here and my mum only once. We have friends here but it's not the same when you've only known someone for a couple of years, compared to relatives and old friends. You can ask for more support from people you've known longer.

For us the sacrifice is worth it because in most other respects we're both happy here, but if I felt like I'd been dragged over here by my DH then I would be very resentful and feel trapped. I would think very carefully about this. Sounds like you really don't want to go and if you did go you'd be unhappy.

EngagedAgain · 26/03/2019 08:03

Tricky one. Although your not married you do have children together. So either he goes alone, which means he rarely sees the children. What would you do if you didn't have any ties? I often think about how I'd have liked to emigrate, BUT I'm pretty sure I could not have left my mum. How much longer could you realistically wait? Sorry not rtft, but will do if you've already said.

RMogs · 26/03/2019 08:05

In some ways I am your DP... if I could, we'd be filing paperwork to move to NZ tomorrow, however MIL is elderly, widowed, not in the best health.
However, I knew when getting involved with DH that he had promised his dad on his deathbed that he would look after his mum.

There are times (especially with Brexit) I just want to up and go, but I will not ask DH to leave his mum. SIL lives 3 hours away, but MIL and SIL are not close, and would not be an option for MIL to move to her.

Unless both of you are 100% on board, it is doomed to fail anyway...it's such a big move you have to want it because you need to be prepared to stick out the hard times as well as the rose tinted expectations.