To find Mother's Day cards triggering?

[yellowbootieboots]

It just enrages me. No you're not "the best" you're not "wonderful" or "loving". You've been a horrible twat most of my life and pretty fucking awful at best.

We had a roof over our heads, clean clothes and food but Christ she doesn't give a toss about me and I'm expected to sign my name to this shit.

Anyone else or just me that gets pissed off this time of the year?!

Who expects it of you? You are a grown up, you don't have to send one.

As with everything these things only trigger negative emotions if you let them. You need to find a way of not letting it affect you. You are an adult who has the choice of how to think, feel and act and taking control of that is a step that's worth taking.

@nokidshere
You sound like my sister so, dismissive of others feelings. Don't you think op would love to be able to click her fingers and get over it.
There is a very real chance I have PTSD leftover from my childhood..wouldn't it be wonderful to just "stop letting it bother me"

There are reasons other than abusive parents to find Mother's Day cards a bit upsetting.

My wonderful mum has severe dementia, she no longer knows who I am or even where she is. I stopped buying cards a few years ago as she didn't even know what the card was for, let alone who was handing it to her.

A trip down the card aisle this time of year just makes me sad so I simply avoid it.

my feelings are that being "triggered" by cards that express the love that most people feel for their mothers, is self absorbed and quite unpleasant.

Um @Lifecraft I don’t think you quite understand how being triggered works. You can’t bloody choose to be triggered so how in god’s name can you call it “self absorbed” and “unpleasant”? The whole point is that when you have been traumatised, you often don’t know what’s going to trigger you.

For me, it’s people minimising emotional abuse or blaming the victim. I’m a few years into No Contact with my extremely abusive mother and since starting to work on C-PTSD recovery, interestingly I’m not finding Mother’s Day ads/cards etc. upsetting.

A couple of years ago, I found it all terribly upsetting. Not because I’m “self absorbed”, as it happens. 🙄

OP YANBU. What would happen if you don’t buy a card, out of interest? Rage/entitlement/sulking/tears?

YABU you can't expect people that love their mum to not express it because yours was who she was. Don't let the situation have that much power over you. It must be exhausting. Just don't send a card or if you must get one that says "happy Mother's Day" and leave it at that. Although tbf if I still felt that I had to buy my shit dad a Father's Day card I might be pretty pissed off about the whole event too. Maybe it's time to let yourself off the hook.

I don’t find it triggering, but I struggle to find a suitable card. I have to look hard for the most neutral one I can find. All the posts saying ‘she gave you life’ give me the rage. She tried her hardest to give me a bloody miserable life. I’m not going to thank her for that.

I used to find the cards very triggering and it has got so much worse over the years. I lost my mum as a teenager and Mother's Day was awful for a long time. It is literally impossible to avoid unless you don't leave the house for the month before. I did enjoy however freaking people out by taking the daffs given out in church on Mothering Sunday and laying them on my
Mothers grave round he back after the service! Strange what bothers people it seemed perfectly reasonable to me. But then as this thread has proved lots of people think other people shouldn't have emotions or be openly bothered by their trauma.

YABU you can't expect people that love their mum to not express it because yours was who she was. Don't let the situation have that much power over you

The OP never suggested such a thing. That is what you are choosing to read in what they put.

It's absolutely normal to have these feelings when something reminds you of a traumatic event in your life especially when it's as in your face as things like mother's day or father's day. It's naive to think it's as easy as just not letting it have that much power over you.

I hate seeing them because I lost my baby and I'd give anything in the world to be able to receive a mother's day card. I'm not saying anything about mother's who are able to receive them and its not that I think we should ban mother's day just to make me feel better. I am 'triggered' because it reminds me of a fucking awful time in my life, one that I am still broken from as the OP may be. It's nothing to do with being self absorbed, what a horrible comment. Feelings are feelings, you cannot simply flick a switch to turn them off.

If OP wants to let off some steam on an anonymous forum then so be it, I hope it helps! I hope it helps to also know you absolutely aren't alone OP as I feel exactly the same (albeit for different reasons).

I think I'd personally just not even notice the mother's day cards if I felt that way towards my mum. My bio father was a raging alcoholic who made our lives hell, then walked out on us all, and was completely awol for 25 years, until csa gave up trying to find him and he tried to crawl back on the scene (needless to say we all told him where to go). My step dad (who raised me) also passed away suddenly last year, but despite all this, the father's day cards don't make me feel "triggered" as I know most people do have good fathers, and want to express their gratitude towards them. I don't begrudge anyone having a great relationship with their fathers as it's no one else's fault my biological one was a dick, and my dad is dead. Equally, I think my mum is amazing/brilliant/the best mum ever, as do most people who have a good relationship with their mum, and obviously want her to know how special she is to me. If you don't have a good relationship with your mum, but still feel obliged to get her a card/gift, there are plenty of blank cards with nice images, you could send with your own words written, and/or a small bunch of flowers. From the way you talk of her though, it seems like it would be an empty gift anyway, so why bother if that's how you truly feel? I don't really see it as something to get so worked up about, unless you have some serious deep rooted issues, in which case you may want to seek therapy to help you move on from them x

I write a message in a card with a design my mum will find interesting or enjoyable.

We should recognise that for some people Mothering Sunday is not a happy time and if aware try not to rub their noses in it as it were.

Triggering? Really?

Just don't buy one, or buy a plain generic card with no words on it.

Oh god I hate it as well. My mother was utterly disinterested in us at the best of times and never ever cuddled me, told me she loved me. I honestly don't really have any positive memories of childhood. Even now she is completely dismissive of me and would never do anything that puts her out in any way at all. I think that's she's an narcissist having read more and more into it and her behaviours.
I find it absolutely fascinating those people who have a real best friends relationship with their mothers. I would love to buy a card that said something lovely on it and mean it but I don't really have any feelings for her anymore. I don't hate her, I've just realised she's never going to be what I would of loved and my mourning had already taken place.
I just try and look for a happy Mother's Day card with non of the fluffy shit. If I didn't send her one then there would be dramas abound so it's easier just to suck it up

I find it upsetting, but in another way. I lost my mum 8 years ago and my DH lost his 9 years ago.
We never had a grave for her (a family tradition), but I have no way of 'remembering'.
My DH on the other hand goes to his mum's grave (a big family one), every mothers day and puts the nicest flowers he can find on it.
I get a bunch of daffodils at most.
Makes me feel so down :-(

I like the funny ones in Scribblr.

Among the best are 'you'll do' and 'congratulations on making such an amazing child - me'.

Have a scroll online for some light relief.

The first, and only time I didn't buy my mother a card she rang the police. Yes, really. She informed them I was taking and dealing drugs and I had a hellish time. You think they believed me? No. I was the hellish, ungrateful, crazy (I've been sectioned so no need not to believe I'm crazy) fucked up daughter who ruined everything.

Next time I spoke to her?

"That'll teach you. Get me a fucking card, bitch".

Not the only time shes done it either.

So yeh, not buying one can bring a whole load of shit that those who haven't been there don't understand.

Yes she gets a card. A plain one. Every year.

My mum is on MN and will not be able to recognise herself from that post because what she said was a hell of a lot worse than that.

I have a terrible relationship with my mother. I don’t send her mother’s day cards. It seems silly to send her one when I don’t like her? I think she sent me an email about it once but it was funnelled into junk so 🤷🏼‍♀️ (She lives 5000 miles away so it’s easy to avoid her!)

I do send Mother’s Day cards to my stepmother however who is wonderful.

You don't have to buy one, and you don't have to look at them.
FWIW I find myself deliberately looking for non gushy cards for mine, simply because I feel like she never really put us first when we were growing up. I feel really uncomfortable in my relationship with her and It can get a bit awkward at times because my adult dc often comment that I am a bit cold towards my dm. She has mellowed with age and has been a good grandparent to them, and I don't want to colour their views by telling them what she was like when I was growing up (not abusive really, just selfish).
So, I'll be going for a plain "happy Mother's Day" card.

@MumUnderTheMoon -
"YABU you can't expect people that love their mum to not express it because yours was who she was."

The OP doesn't expect that, & hasn't stated a single thing to indicate it.

"Don't let the situation have that much power over you. It must be exhausting."

Wow. Just wow.
You don't seem to understand even the most basic concepts of about the effects of childhood trauma. If it were that easy to switch off the lifelong consequences of abuse, don't you think the OP would have already chosen to do so?

@RSAcre
I understand trauma perfectly. Having suffered myself. I also have triggers. My point is that we have to find a way to stop giving them power over us because allowing a card or a holiday or a smell or a sound or anything to affect our happiness is unreasonable. We deserve better from ourselves. I'm sorry you don't see it that way.

It's not a case of not 'seeing it that way '. It's feeling sad because it's rammed down your throat the failings your mother had and accepting your feelings.
It's not jealousy of others relationships with their mother (in my case).

I meant to write, that everyone is in different stages of recovery. Some of us are still triggered and upset by Mother's Day.

You sound like my sister so, dismissive of others feelings. Don't you think op would love to be able to click her fingers and get over it. There is a very real chance I have PTSD leftover from my childhood..wouldn't it be wonderful to just "stop letting it bother me"

@Cheeeeislifenow I don't recall anywhere in my post dismissing anyone's feelings nor did I say that she could click her fingers and get over it.

As an adult you are the one in control. You have the power to stop others having power over your emotional welfare. You are the only person who can stop it. We have no control of how others behave but we do have control over how we react to their behaviour. I stand by saying that the OP needs to find a way of stopping the way it affects her life because that is the only way she will find peace. I did not say there's a quick fix, or that she can just stop, just that she needs to find a way to be her own person.

I don't have ptsd left over from my horrendous childhood, I call the shots in my life and I do not let those people have any power over my here and now. It can be done. And it's worth every step I took to achieve it because I am happy, no one has the power to make me feel bad and I refuse to even give them a passing thought.

Everyone can do it, some with help and some alone. You just have to believe in yourself and know that you can. Make today the first day that you stop someone else having power over your life and your feelings.

I'm nc with my mother. But the cards don't bother me because I'm not looking at the cards am I? Why would you go looking at the cards? I dont find it triggering. I'm happy to be nc. I'm happy for those that have nice mums.