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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to get over something like this?

81 replies

JasmineSH · 24/03/2019 22:29

About 3 years ago me and my partner were away on holiday in Italy.
One evening we were out for food one of those guys who sells roses approached us. He wanted to give me a rose and I said no but he sort of pushed into my hands and there I was standing with a rose. He than looked at my boyfriend asking him for one Euro and my my boyfriend said no. He kept on going that it's just one Euro but my boyfriend was having none of it. The guy after this snatched the rose out of my hand and walked away. I felt humiliated, there on a fairly busy square I had to really try not to burst into tears. My chest felt very heavy and I felt worthless. I didn't want the rose I really really didn't, found the whole walking with a rose in Italy scenario cringy but I really just wish my boyfriend gave him the 1 Euro... I mean st the end of the day it doesn't matter does it but I still feel so upset about how that situation made me feel. I know I might be overreacting but there have been a couple of scenarios when my boyfriend made me feel little, worthless and sometimes it feels like he is ashamed of me. My self esteem is low and I really just want to forget these situations but I can't. How to get over these pity things?

OP posts:
mistakenidentity1928 · 24/03/2019 22:32

Surely your boyfriend refusing wasn’t a sign of his strength of feeling for you, but rather your boyfriends determination not to be forced to waste money on something neither of you wanted?

BrutusMcDogface · 24/03/2019 22:34

Yes, don’t take it personally. My partner wouldn’t have given the euro, and nor would I have wanted him to.

MrsDevlin · 24/03/2019 22:35

Agreed- it wasn't about how he felt about you. It was about him not being manipulated into some crass tourist trap.

SosigDog · 24/03/2019 22:35

You’re still upset because your bf didn’t give money to a pushy beggar three years ago? I wouldn’t have given him any money either. Sorry but it’s not something I’d dwell on for even five minutes, never mind three years. It’s not a reflection of your worth because your bf wouldn’t get his wallet out for some con artist (who would probably have snatched it and run off). Your bf did the right thing - the only person you should be annoyed at is the scumbag who harassed you in the street.

jemimafuddleduck · 24/03/2019 22:36

Gosh, you're holding onto this from THREE years ago?!
Are there other issues in your relationship because this seems like a massive overreaction on your part.

youaremyrain · 24/03/2019 22:36

I can see how he might have been protesting being under pressure in that situation but surely he could have seen that you wanted him to buy it? How does he do generally at understanding your feelings?

Personally I'd have paid the Euro myself as a statement to both men

PurpleDaisies · 24/03/2019 22:37

That incident is nothing to do with how your boyfriend feels about you. It’s about not being manipulated by a pushy seller. Confused

You say there have been other incidents. What are these?

Pancakeflipper · 24/03/2019 22:38

I doubt it was about if you were worth a rose to your partner but him.trying to not engage with street merchants.

Have you seeked help for your lack of esteem ?

positivepixie · 24/03/2019 22:38

I'd be annoyed at the rose seller in this situation, end of. Don't blame your OH for not letting the owes I get away with daylight robbery, is have done the same - it's completely unrelated to your relationship, why are you linking the two?

You mentioned other times he's made you feel worthless - this shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship. Why are you with him if he makes you feel like this?

Leeds2 · 24/03/2019 22:38

Are you still with your boyfriend?

PurpleDaisies · 24/03/2019 22:38

Personally I'd have paid the Euro myself as a statement to both men

A statement of what?

Pantsomime · 24/03/2019 22:38

Feel happy that he’s not a pushover or easily intimidated- which is a good quality to have. The scenario wasn’t about you but rise pusher hoping to shame/ fluster/embarrass/shock some money out of your DP

Pantsomime · 24/03/2019 22:40

PS if it’s bugging you 3 years later you probably have other things going on that you need to look into

Keener · 24/03/2019 22:41

Would you still be stewing over this if it had been someone begging by ‘selling’ bunches of heather for luck, or trying to tie one of those fake Buddhist thread bracelets on your wrist? Because that’s what it was, pushy hassling and begging. Your bf was quite right not to give him money. You really need to ask yourself some questions about why you are turning this into some demonstration of your lack of worth. Hmm

paperandfireworks · 24/03/2019 22:41

I'd say if the worst your boyfriend has ever done is to refuse the pushy beggar he's a keeper.

ABoozedMoose · 24/03/2019 22:41

You said no. He was backing you by maintaining that. If he'd said yes you'd be on here complaining that he'd undermined you.

It's a non event. Certainly after 3 years. Pick your battles, this isn't one of them.

WellVersedInEtiquette · 24/03/2019 22:41

On one of our very first dates we were approached by a vendor selling single roses. He said 'a rose for the lady?'
I arranged my face in an appropriate 'oh. For me?' Surprised face.
Boyfriend says 'no' in a blunt voice.
He must have seen my face drop and explained that he would buy me flowers but off his own back not because someone was trying to sell them to us.
We've been together over 15 years and married for 13.

H0wt0kn0w · 24/03/2019 22:42

I agree, if you wanted the rose, the best thing to do would have been to buy it yourself! It would have been a great statement! To the men, but also, to yourself. You don't need a man to determine that you're worth one euro. You need a more internal locus of validation and you can get that. Have you read Nathaniel Bardon's six pillars of self esteem and 'anne dickson's ''a woman in your own right''. Both very good books imo, they helped me after I left an abusive relationship. Really shored me up, I'll never take carp again and never wait for somebody else to validate my worth. I do that. Just from reading. xx

burritofan · 24/03/2019 22:42

I think you would benefit from therapy to figure out why you're holding on to a very, very minor issue from 3 years ago that most people would have laughed off and forgotten within 3 minutes.

I'm not saying that meanly, it's obviously had a big effect on you, but... it shouldn't. Unless there's something else going on?

ChocChocButtons · 24/03/2019 22:42

Those sellers are scam artists, that’s why he didn’t pay! If it was me I would if thrown it in the floor!

CandyCreeper · 24/03/2019 22:45

This happened to me in central london! same situation, man pushed it into my hand. I was confused as it had never happened to me before he then demanded my partner at the time give him money for it, he said no. It was all very embarrasing! thats obviously what they work on, hoping you will be too embarrassed not to pay. I can see why you was embarrassed op but its been 3 years now. I was embarrassed at the time but not the next day or years later.

FromDespairToHere · 24/03/2019 22:47

He wanted to give me a rose and I said no so your DP backed you up...

Original poster
JasmineSH · 24/03/2019 22:48

Thanks for everyone's comments, much appreciated. I think @burritofan has asked a good question... why do I hold onto such a minor thing?! And I don't know and I wish I didn't... no it's not about the rose, hand on heart I did not want it but it's the feeling afterwards. And yes reading everyone s comment makes me wonder why do I keep holyonto such things? I need help but I would be so ashamed to talk to anyone about this in real life

OP posts:
Smelborp · 24/03/2019 22:48

He was refusing extortion. It was nothing to do with his feelings for you.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 24/03/2019 22:52

I have had this happen and was actively like “No Thanks! Have your crappy rose back!” Grin
While giving now DP the “don’t you dare give this con man a penny!!!” Look in my eye...

Is there more to this?

It’s a really strange thing to hold on to... but then again my boyfriend never acts like he is anything other than delighted to be around me.

You use the words worthless and ashamed which are very emotive - can you give other concrete examples of when you felt this way?
More context might help people give better advice