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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how to get over something like this?

81 replies

JasmineSH · 24/03/2019 22:29

About 3 years ago me and my partner were away on holiday in Italy.
One evening we were out for food one of those guys who sells roses approached us. He wanted to give me a rose and I said no but he sort of pushed into my hands and there I was standing with a rose. He than looked at my boyfriend asking him for one Euro and my my boyfriend said no. He kept on going that it's just one Euro but my boyfriend was having none of it. The guy after this snatched the rose out of my hand and walked away. I felt humiliated, there on a fairly busy square I had to really try not to burst into tears. My chest felt very heavy and I felt worthless. I didn't want the rose I really really didn't, found the whole walking with a rose in Italy scenario cringy but I really just wish my boyfriend gave him the 1 Euro... I mean st the end of the day it doesn't matter does it but I still feel so upset about how that situation made me feel. I know I might be overreacting but there have been a couple of scenarios when my boyfriend made me feel little, worthless and sometimes it feels like he is ashamed of me. My self esteem is low and I really just want to forget these situations but I can't. How to get over these pity things?

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 24/03/2019 22:52

The best thing you could have done was not having taken hold of the rose. Just refused it.

H0wt0kn0w · 24/03/2019 22:54

Go and buy yourself some roses tomorrow. Say ''From me to me'' and smile as you buy them.

Knittedfairies · 24/03/2019 22:54

I think you may be having difficulties letting this go because it was a rose, and you equate that to love, romance and affection. If the seller had thrust a dishcloth or a tea towel into your hand and demanded a euro you would have forgotten all about your boyfriend's refusal to buy it.

Sn0tnose · 24/03/2019 22:55

Jasmine There is really no need to be embarrassed about telling this to a professional who can help you. They'll have heard all sorts of things that are a million times worse than this.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 24/03/2019 22:56

This happened to my DP and I. I never considered it as a sign of his feelings towards me. He felt it was rude for someone to shove something into my hand and then try and get him to pay for it, which I do agree with.

I hadn't given it a second thought until this thread. You really shouldn't be stewing on this three years on.

saraclara · 24/03/2019 23:00

These people are scam artists, and if anything, I'd have thought less of a boyfriend or partner who let one of them use me in that way.
Your boyfriend was showing respect for you by coming to your aid and not letting that guy benefit from putting you in such an uncomfortable position.

ErickBroch · 24/03/2019 23:01

This CANNOT be real?! The rose thing is a huge effin scam in Italy and if he had given him one euro, he then would have continued harassing you and following you for more. I can't actually believe this is real.

DianaT1969 · 24/03/2019 23:01

Do you feel that you like your boyfriend more than he likes you? Do you want him to propose? The rose is a red herring. You could examine your feelings and then tell him what you want from him. If he doesn't want the same, you have your answer.

oneforthepain · 24/03/2019 23:01

Here you go: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

AnneOfCleanTables · 24/03/2019 23:02

If he'd paid the euro, all it would have shown was that he could be manipulated by a hard sell. It wouldn't have said anything his feelings for you.
Relate offer online counselling. You could email them. Then you wouldn't need to face anyone and you could try to get to the bottom of why this upset you so much and why you're holding on to it.

Skittlesandbeer · 24/03/2019 23:02

This really is a sign that you need to seek out a good therapist, and start to build some emotional resistance. It can be done. Life’s too short to let these small things haunt you for years. Figure out if the real issue is insecurity within yourself, or concerns about your relationship. Then do something about it. Only one person has responsibility for your happiness, and that’s you.

Don’t give your power away to lovers, or randoms on the street.

Fridasrage · 24/03/2019 23:05

“I mean st the end of the day it doesn't matter does it but I still feel so upset about how that situation made me feel. I know I might be overreacting but there have been a couple of scenarios when my boyfriend made me feel little, worthless and sometimes it feels like he is ashamed of me. My self esteem is low and I really just want to forget these situations but I can't“

I think this passage gives a lot of insight into why you still feel terrible about this. You’re boyfriend is someone who makes you feel like your feelings don’t matter and that you’re over exaggerating when things upset you.

It isn’t strange/doesn’t reflect badly on you that you still have strong feelings about something that happened several years ago. I imagine that at the time you felt like you couldn’t tell him exactly how it made you feel that he would take a stand over the rise even if it meant embarrassing you. Or if you did tell him how it made you feel, he minimised or brushed off those feelings.

I really believe that the reason you keep thinking about this is because your brain is trying to tell you something: ‘this is how my boyfriend makes me feel’. The real issue is that the person you are with makes you feel little, worthless and acts ashamed of you. And on a certain level you must know that that isn’t how things are supposed to be in a loving relationship.

Ignore everyone telling you that you need to get over it. You’re fixating in this for a bigger reason.

HennyPennyHorror · 24/03/2019 23:09

I'd have been more pissed off with a man who buckled under that sort of hard-sell pressure.

They do it because they know some men will bow to the idea of romance. It's the LEAST romantic thing ever.

H0wt0kn0w · 24/03/2019 23:11

Yes, it's not ''weird'' or unbelievable that you equate a rose with romance and affection and that you took from that incident that you weren't worth a euro's worth of romance. As a pp says, if the seller had been selling J cloths you would have long forgotten this.

I agree with a PP, is this incident summing up your feeling. Either that your bf doesn't value you and that that was encapsulated perfectly with the no rose incident. The point about shame is good too. Are you ashamed that you're not loved? (either not loved, or not seen to be loved)

Stressingismyhobby · 24/03/2019 23:14

Sounds like it wasn’t necessarily about this particular incident but more this : there have been a couple of scenarios when my boyfriend made me feel little, worthless and sometimes it feels like he is ashamed of me.

Stressingismyhobby · 24/03/2019 23:15

What Fridasrage said.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 24/03/2019 23:29

Yes, is it possible that your bf often still makes you feel this way?
If so, Perhaps you find it hard to specify exactly how it happens and you still think about the rose incident because it is an occasion when you can remember the circumstances that led to you feeling that way.
Sometimes, when someone chips away at you, little by little, you have no idea how.
Or perhaps that was the first time you can recall that feeling so it has remained significant in your memory?
If you are sure that your bf is a loving, supportive partner then it would be sensible to explore this with a counsellor.

user9000 · 24/03/2019 23:31

Sometimes small moments tell us everything about a relationship.

I get what you are saying.

Years ago when I was married (unhappily at the time) I went to a romantic restaurant with my DH (at the time). The waiter re-arranged the chairs so we would sit next to each other. I was so happy with the waiter's efforts. My XDH didn't seem impressed to sit closer to me. Said it all really.

I am sure you are a beautiful person inside and out, because you care about small things, and you feel things. That makes you a deep person. You are special because of that. Take care.

MashedSpud · 24/03/2019 23:39

Is there anything happening that’s making you think back to that situation? How is your relationship now?

sobeyondthehills · 25/03/2019 01:05

This happened to me in London, the main problem was the guy I was with was my cousin, we are very close, and just ewww. My cousin looked at him and just went you have gotten this wrong mate.

Also happened in Paris, but this time I knew what to expect ( was with exH) So was already prepared to say no.

Its hard selling technique and not a pleasant one. I would wonder whether this is you projecting for whatever reason, or this was one of the first signs of things that have come later in your relationship

StoppinBy · 25/03/2019 01:53

Personally I would have just dropped the rose on the ground if he was that pushy, your B/F did the right thing not letting the 'salesman' walk all over the both of you.

TheSerenDipitY · 25/03/2019 02:56

when asked you said no, did your boyfriend hear you say no?
if so he was doing what you wanted rather than override your wishes and force an unwanted rose upon you...
good for him standing up and accepting you did not want a cheap ass rose and ensuring you did not get a cheap ass rose!!!

Chocmallows · 25/03/2019 03:09

I dated a man with Aspergers for about 9 months. It dented my confidence as he was unable to develop deeper feelings towards me. He wanted to be with me, but there were many instances when he would miss emotional cues. The small things added up to me feeling worthless.

In the rose story, he would have refused and then not assumed I would care. If I said I felt sad he would tell me I was wrong.

With my partner now, he would look at me to see what I wanted. Back me up by saying no, but more importantly he would be annoyed that the rose was pushed at me and pulled back. If I said I was upset it wouldn't matter why, he would want to make sure that I was ok.

OP, are you getting any emotional support from your BF?

Babdoc · 25/03/2019 03:10

As PPs have said, this is not about the rose, is it. It’s about all the other times your partner has made you feel worthless or damaged your self esteem.
Why are you still with someone who doesn’t make you feel loved and special? Is your self esteem so battered that you don’t feel you deserve better?
I’d discuss it with a counsellor, to find out whether the problem is your own insecurity or your partner’s behaviour, and to develop strategies to deal with whichever it is.

dreaming174 · 25/03/2019 03:30

How are you still dwelling on this 3 years later? Was it your first holiday? Have you not been abroad before? Not to be rude- but these sellers are everywhere and my husband wouldn't buy one either!

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