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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to get over something like this?

81 replies

JasmineSH · 24/03/2019 22:29

About 3 years ago me and my partner were away on holiday in Italy.
One evening we were out for food one of those guys who sells roses approached us. He wanted to give me a rose and I said no but he sort of pushed into my hands and there I was standing with a rose. He than looked at my boyfriend asking him for one Euro and my my boyfriend said no. He kept on going that it's just one Euro but my boyfriend was having none of it. The guy after this snatched the rose out of my hand and walked away. I felt humiliated, there on a fairly busy square I had to really try not to burst into tears. My chest felt very heavy and I felt worthless. I didn't want the rose I really really didn't, found the whole walking with a rose in Italy scenario cringy but I really just wish my boyfriend gave him the 1 Euro... I mean st the end of the day it doesn't matter does it but I still feel so upset about how that situation made me feel. I know I might be overreacting but there have been a couple of scenarios when my boyfriend made me feel little, worthless and sometimes it feels like he is ashamed of me. My self esteem is low and I really just want to forget these situations but I can't. How to get over these pity things?

OP posts:
floribunda18 · 25/03/2019 03:37

I don't really like people who make a fuss about giving to beggars though. It was inelegantly done and left you feeling embarrassed. Better to just give the man a Euro.

saccade · 25/03/2019 03:47

@JasmineSH

Two things jump out at me.

Can you give more examples of why you feel this, no matter how subtle? Other things he has done or said?

there have been a couple of scenarios when my boyfriend made me feel little, worthless and sometimes it feels like he is ashamed of me

And you say

My self esteem is low

Was it always like this or has it become worse since entering the relationship? How long have you been together?

I would urge you to report your post to MN and get them to move it to the relationships board. Or start a new post there in which you summarise the answers to what I’ve asked you above.

Things can and will get better Flowers

brizzlemint · 25/03/2019 03:54

Have a look at books by Melanie Fennell about raising your self esteem. It's like others have said it's about not wanting to be forced into false sentimentality and taken advantage of by a tourist rather than anything to do with how he felt/feels about you.

YemenRoadYemen · 25/03/2019 04:00

but there have been a couple of scenarios when my boyfriend made me feel little, worthless and sometimes it feels like he is ashamed of me

I can't believe so many people on this thread are focusing on the bloody rose.

Why on earth are you with someone who makes you feel worthless and as if he's ashamed of you.

Crikey - of course you have low self-esteem...!

YemenRoadYemen · 25/03/2019 04:01

but there have been a couple of scenarios when my boyfriend made me feel little, worthless and sometimes it feels like he is ashamed of me

I can't believe so many people on this thread are focusing on the bloody rose.

Why on earth are you with someone who makes you feel worthless and as if he's ashamed of you.

Crikey - of course you have low self-esteem...!

YemenRoadYemen · 25/03/2019 04:02

And in terms of how you get past this?

Dump you horrible partner.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 25/03/2019 04:25

Three years...? And you are still getting upset over something that is, quite frankly, the least romantic thing ever. Fucks sake.

YemenRoadYemen · 25/03/2019 05:37

No. She's getting upset because her partner makes her feel 'worthless' and like 'he's ashamed of her'.

Wouldn't that make any normal person feel upset....?

Would people be OK with someone treating their daughter like this?

Flowersintheatticconversion · 25/03/2019 06:32

yemen , the op is focused on this very small incident 3 years later so unless she gives specific examples, then no it wouldn’t make me upset because I think this is a problem that the op has and her bf probably hasn’t done anything wrong, I think the issue is with the ops own feelings of worthlessness.
If this was the only thing they’d done to my daughter then I’d be happy

Shoxfordian · 25/03/2019 06:37

Without any context, this incident wouldn't upset me but why do you say he makes you feel worthless at other times? Don't stay with him if he doesn't make you happy

JenniferJareau · 25/03/2019 06:38

I can't believe so many people on this thread are focusing on the bloody rose.

Me either. It is clear there is a bigger issue here than one rose.

CupoTeap · 25/03/2019 06:39

What are the other things?

PillowTalker · 25/03/2019 06:50

"Someone was trying to sell me something that I didn't want..... I said no.... they asked my BF to buy it for me..... he said no too....... 3 years on and I'm still fixated and upset about it"

Seriously OP?

YemenRoadYemen · 25/03/2019 06:57

Big mistake posting this in AIBU Jasmine - people love to be wilfully obtuse in here.

Hope you're OK - you will get much more helpful replies in relationships, where people will be willing to help you examine what's actually going on. Thanks

HarrysOwl · 25/03/2019 07:00

Either:

  1. Your partner IS treating you badly (though your post describes a normal situation) and is causing your low self esteem

OR

  1. Your self esteem is low (through no fault of partner) causing you interpret his actions through a negative filter.

Without giving more details about your partner, OP, it's impossible to tell. What other situations/comments from DP have made you feel worthless?

arcval · 25/03/2019 07:17

I completely agree with HarrysOwl.

adulthumanwolf · 25/03/2019 07:47

Yep, this has happened to us a dozen times in Italy and Spain, a pushy beggar trying to force us to buy a rose.

We always say no and walk off.

Don't take it personally OP, it's not a lovely romantic offering of a rose, it's just a dodgy beggar trying to guilt men into giving them money by putting them in a situation that makes them feel like they have to pay.

Chocmallows · 25/03/2019 07:48

OP if AIBU has knocked your confidence lower, you can post in 'relationships' instead. Use more examples.
AIBU usually means you are asking for judgment on your behaviour and can mean you get harsher replies than other areas on MN.

adulthumanwolf · 25/03/2019 07:57

travelscams.org/europe/common-tourist-scams-italy/

Scroll to the rose scam. It's a very common scam.

Your BF was just refusing to be scammed.

Flowersintheatticconversion · 25/03/2019 08:03

My reply would be the same if posted in relationships, as I’m sure others would be too. Not being willfully obtuse , just wondering how from one example given that happened 3 years ago the partner is the bad guy here. Given that the op herself said no to the rose in the first place.

ZoeWashburne · 25/03/2019 08:07

What are some of the other examples of your partner making you feel low? At face value, the rose situation seems silly to be hanging on to. But if there are bigger issues at play, I can see how this manifested itself into a fixation.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2019 08:11

I think your self esteem is incredibly low, to be holding onto such a minor thing after three years, and to have felt "worthless" is really extreme and quite concerning.

I would urge you to seek help, maybe speak to your doctor, because this isn't healthy.

ScrewyMcScrewup · 25/03/2019 08:16

My ex DID buy a rose from one of these shysters and I was upset with him for that!

memaymamo · 25/03/2019 08:30

I can't believe people are focusing on the rose either. This is a question about self-esteem, obsessive thoughts and relationship anxiety. It's also possibly about whether or not her partner treats her well in general - impossible to gauge without more information.

Stop telling the OP she's an idiot for still worrying about this. She knows it's irrational, that's why she posted. She wants help getting past these irrational thoughts.

Without knowing more about your relationship, I think counselling could be a huge help for you if you want to improve your self-esteem. Don't be embarrassed to talk about this - it's probably a 2/10 on the scale of embarrassing or weird things that counsellors hear daily from their clients.

WellThisIsShit · 25/03/2019 08:31

What other things have happened that have made you feel bad? If you can tell us a bit more about your boyfriend and the dynamics of the relationship it may become clear what’s the problem here.

For what it’s worth I don’t think it’s the rose. I think the rose incident is a symbol of something for you, and that’s why it means so much. I hope that helps you to feel better about not being able to let such a trivial incident go? It appears trivial if it doesn’t mean anything else. But for you it does, so it becomes so much bigger and more important than it should be... if you address the deeper issue, you’ll find the rose incident no longer stings.

Flowers