To have a third DC

[hannahsp84]

Just looking for some advice and perspectives from mums of 3, or mums who decided to stick at 2 but considered a 3rd.

We are a professional couple in our late 30s who have two beautiful DCs aged 2 and 4. We have fairly well paid jobs, a modest mortgage, and recently much to our surprise inherited a second home in France. We have two cars, a couple of credit cards but no major debt except the mortgage etc.

I would love a third child. My DH will take some persuasion but he is amenable. He loves children and he would really like a third person to be part of our family but he’s convinced that it’ll be very very expensive and that the baby years with potentially three under 6 or 7 would be hellish and perhaps not worth it.

Am I missing something? Is a third child really so much more expensive than the amount extra we spent on each of the others? I know kids are expensive but is this some kind of tipping point? We would need to replace one of our cars, and already have one XC90 which sits 3 adults in the back no problem. We plan to holiday at our own home in France most of the time so no worries about package holiday prices etc. We have a live out nanny already as due to our long work hours some days it already worked out cheaper than nursery and makes our lives so much easier too. I’m sure she’d be able to manage a third child with a bit of a pay rise.

Is a third child a huge amount of work? Enough to make the first few years intolerably shit? Or just in the “a bit stressful but worth it” category.

Mums of 3, it’s Sunday evening...are you happy? Or are you crying into your wine counting down the hours until a relaxing break at work tomorrow?

We stopped at 2 for environmental reasons plus the fear that we had rolled the dice twice didn’t want to risk what we have. We know families with kids with special needs and it affects everyone. A friend is literally beaten and hit by her autistic son and their whole family life is very different.

I don't have 3. But just offering another side, I am the middle of 3 children and I hated it.

In my case, middle child syndrome really is a thing. My elder sibling was the first born 'wonder child'. My younger sibling was the 'baby' who didn't have to lift a finger. They both acknowledge this as adults.

Just as a point on private school I negotiated a 3 for 2 offer on fees, don’t assume prices are set in stone

That is really interesting Liverpool, thanks!

My oldest is at boarding school, texting me to arrange which colleges we're going to visit together during April break. My youngest spent the day skiing with his dad. My middle one spent the day mostly in bed, then we had a lovely dogwalk together.

So that's only two to look after then isn't it

I would be worried about middle child syndrome too, because my 2nd child is a lot easier and less attention-seeking than DS1. At the moment he does get some attention but if there was a crying baby or active toddler in the midst, I'm sure DS2 would miss out.

I have 4 kids, at one point I had 3 under two which was easy when I look back but now they are grown, the expense is huge and I'm constantly dropping one here one there.

Something I have just remembered (can you tell what I am doing)

OMG the washing with 3 kids !! It's insane I did 5 washing the other day with football kits, swimming things plus the normal stuff. Extra clothes, extra bedding, towels, extra kits

This is a light hearted post but the struggle is real ! Espically when people buy my kids matching clothes I spend so much time checking labels and teying to match socks !!!

Tip for school socks sew different coloured tread into the top for each child !

The mental load increases significantly. Trying to manage diaries for three young kids is exhausting.

This has been my biggest issue - though also finding as they hit teenage years they are getting expensive.

Despite having three close together and them going to same schools it's pretty much always fallen three different parents evening on different nights/months - so 6 a year plus this year an additional option evening and a presentation award evening – (but evening tends to mean 3.30 to 7.30) - Christmas plays and concerts different for each.

Some of the running round evening groups may be less with a nanny or boarding school - we're just hitting the braces stage - so fitting orthodontist appointments as well .as dentist. There’s going to be variation is how much running round there is – but it will be more with extra child.

Having said all that I love having three children -was one of three myself so feels normal.

Yes to the washing - that extra person makes a massive imput there and I find other people won't belive that and comment negatively.

Thank you for starting this thread for me to hijack OP

We are in a similar position to you, except we don't have a nanny. Got DD4 and DS2. And I found out yesterday that i'm pregnant again!!!

I'm a bit freaked out. I'm already knackered and I'll be 42 when the baby comes. I know that I'm happy about it, but I keep just thinking "oh fuck!!"

very glad to hear some positive stories!

Watching with interest. How much does a household need to have 3 kids in London?

I’m agonizing over having a third too!

I come from a family of three and always thought I’d have three myself but wasn’t prepared for how difficult I’d find motherhood. We could afford it and have the space but there’s so many reasons why it would be a bad idea (I get easily overwhelmed as it is, DD1 is quite a demanding child, DH works incredibly long hours so I do 99% of the parenting) yet despite all this and despite me constantly telling myself it wouldn’t be a good idea, I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m not “done”. It’s incredibly irritating as I want to feel “done”!

I’m hesitant to go for a third incase I regret it though... no easy answers just solidarity OP!

Interesting thread and replies.

We have discussed this ad nauseam and are in a not entirely dissimilar position to you, OP. It’s very hard when it’s not something you agree on. It can cause a lot of frustration and upset within the relationship.

I think the issues about having enough time for your children are the ones which concern us the most. Obviously with 3 children you have more needs to meet and no more time with which to do so. I don’t think this means it’s a bad idea for everybody all of the time, but I do think it’s important to acknowledge that the third child will only be an easy little baby for a short while and eventually will be a growing child who has emotional and developmental needs which must be met. These may or may not overlap with their siblings. Great if you end up with three sisters or brothers who all want to go to ballet/football/chess at the weekends. If - as is more likely - you end up with a mixture of genders and interests, they are likely to need a great deal of ferrying around and their plans may well conflict. Obviously this can also happen with two, but is more likely with 3.

I note OP that your husband is an anaesthetist so presumably this means he works some weekends which would mean you’d potentially have to juggle three sets of children and that might be really difficult. To a point I think it is good for children to learn to compromise and share and accommodate others, but not if the extent to which this is necessary means they each get very little say over how they spend their time.

As a GP you do however have a lot of flexibility over your work and it may well be that this does enable you to manage a little more easily. For example, you could probably negotiate a termtime contract and/or work school hours only. This would mean you had several additional weeks with your children per year and would be able to have a lot more input on a day to day basis for them. I appreciate that for now a nanny seems to solve all of your childcare issues and two or three small children will be very happy being entertained by a nanny for days on end. But my expectation - and I may be wrong, my children are younger than yours - is that as children grow older they don’t just need “childcare”. They need their parents. Not both of them all of the time, but one of them most of the time. We only have two children but even with two I am fully expecting to have to plan my work life around them and probably to look for a job which enables me to work termtimes only (same line of work as you, OP). One consequence of this is that actually having an additional child probably wouldn’t add much to the childcare cost by this stage. So I’m not saying it would alter the finances of your decision. I’m just wondering how long your wonderful nanny will seem like the best option for you.

Re feeling 'done', I never did after dc2 and then after dc3 came along that was it. I still think 'lucky thing' when I see pregnant women, as I did really enjoy being pregnant, and have the odd idle fantasy about naming a fourth etc, but there is no real desire whatsoever behind it. Have happily shut up reproductive shop, as it were.

I have a DD and DS and always thought I'd like a third. Ex-h also did at first, then he didn't, then it turned out he was attempting to shag anything that moved on work trips so that made my decision for me.

Your situation sounds fine for another child if that's what you both want.

Even having 3 the same and having same interests doesn't make it easy. My older kids both do football but the split them by age so they go at different times. Same with swimming we managed to get their lessons at the same time but now the older one has moved up to an hour and the middley is only 30 mins. The littlest obviously goes to a parent and toddler class which is at a totally different time and pool.

Going on holiday a lot of kids clubs activities are split by age as well. At center Parcs now all three of them are in a different age bracket for activities so can't do much together . (Obviously we do lots together but I just mean they can't do these activities together which the older two could for a while)

This is something which is obviously an issue for those with any number of multiple children.

Btw I love my three but these are all things I hadn't really grasped about 3 / having older kids and there will be lots I don't know about teenagers which I am sure will be a whole new ball game.

If it helps I felt I wasn't done at 3 and my husband said what If you always feel like this and when we have 3 you will want 4 etc but I can say as soon as number 3 was born I had a feeling of yes that's it now we are done now they are all here. Sometimes we look at nunber 3 and day imagine if we hadn't had him that would have been do sad !! If you decide to go for it you will love them and it will all become the new normal for your family ...... but you may need that wine

I didn’t finish my post above.

I don’t think there is an objective answer to this question. There are very few people for whom having a third child would be such a terrible idea that they clearly shouldn’t do so. If you want to have and take good care of 3 children it sounds as if you easily have the resources and could make the time to do so. What matters is whether or not you both want to. I believe if you can establish that then the logistics of how best to organise your family are a separate (but important) question. Hope you can reach an agreement.

Sorry meant I didn't feel done at 2 !

I have two boys and then a girl

I’m happy to have three but I do have big age gaps. The older two are very useful at entertaining her and I didn’t return to work after one year.

I understand the "not done" feeling too.

As soon as I had DD, I felt very strongly I wanted another. After I had DS, I've been less certain but still had the feeling of not being done. Which I suppose is why I haven't gone back on the pill, I think we were just leaving it a bit to chance. Now that it has actually happened though, I'm mostly just petrified!!!!

Congrats btw GaryWilmottsTeeth !

So many factors to consider.

Having hit teen years with our first (and second is pretty much there) I would just caution you that none of the issues you are thinking about were an issue for us at all with three. The car and holiday questions when they are babies and primary schoolers are such small issues in the grand scheme of things. I also work flexibly part time and always have so no particular difficulty around quality time when they were young.

Teenagers really are expensive and needy in very different ways from babies. No more evenings of bedtime at 8 and relaxing with a glass of wine. No more planning the quality time, you have to take what you can get when it happens!

Very difficult to also coordinate who is doing what and who needs to be where without family support or paid help so don't assume the nanny cost will be gone when they get to school, especially if one or both of you has a "big" job. Dh goes away with work and I have to call in favours, pay babysitters etc just to run a normal week!

Also the emotional load of keeping track of them is so much more as they get older. Under five they are with you or at home with the nanny, usually no major headspace required either way. As they get older there are all kinds of issues arising with school, Co curricular, friends, jobs, boy or girlfriends.

I'm not saying I wouldn't have had my third given a choice now, of course I would! But I had no idea what I was getting into.

Me and oh (oh especially) are keen to have a 3rd, but leaning more towards not doing it for financial reasons 😔. We said we would decide in the new year just gone, as it would mean a familiar age gap again, but financilaly right now it's not doable and I wouldnt want to wait and have a bigger age gap, so looks like it probably won't happen now. If I was in your situation though, I'd definetely go for it, as it sounds like you can afford to, and with the help of a nanny (sooo jealous!) you have the extra time to give each child.

Sorry and also wanted to add weekends involve a lot of tag team between Dh and I. We have many friends with 2 and many friends with 3.

Those of us with 3 are like ships in the night, one child needs to be somewhere and it doesn't suit the others which involves seemingly constant splitting resources.

Those with 2 seem to be able to fit in the 2 together doing activities or bring one along given that there are two parents to manage one each.

I have 3. 8 year gap between 2 and 3. He's a little darling and his big brothers adore him. I find it easier than when my other 2 were little. Hes 2 now and I'm 37 dh is 41