To have a third DC

[hannahsp84]

Just looking for some advice and perspectives from mums of 3, or mums who decided to stick at 2 but considered a 3rd.

We are a professional couple in our late 30s who have two beautiful DCs aged 2 and 4. We have fairly well paid jobs, a modest mortgage, and recently much to our surprise inherited a second home in France. We have two cars, a couple of credit cards but no major debt except the mortgage etc.

I would love a third child. My DH will take some persuasion but he is amenable. He loves children and he would really like a third person to be part of our family but he’s convinced that it’ll be very very expensive and that the baby years with potentially three under 6 or 7 would be hellish and perhaps not worth it.

Am I missing something? Is a third child really so much more expensive than the amount extra we spent on each of the others? I know kids are expensive but is this some kind of tipping point? We would need to replace one of our cars, and already have one XC90 which sits 3 adults in the back no problem. We plan to holiday at our own home in France most of the time so no worries about package holiday prices etc. We have a live out nanny already as due to our long work hours some days it already worked out cheaper than nursery and makes our lives so much easier too. I’m sure she’d be able to manage a third child with a bit of a pay rise.

Is a third child a huge amount of work? Enough to make the first few years intolerably shit? Or just in the “a bit stressful but worth it” category.

Mums of 3, it’s Sunday evening...are you happy? Or are you crying into your wine counting down the hours until a relaxing break at work tomorrow?

LazyLizzy I was about to post similar, and I mean no offence either. I am one of three and even though my mum was a sahm for much of my childhood I don’t think any of got the one on one time we would have benefited from. We were very close in age though, my parents had us all within 3.5 years.

If you are getting home late and your nanny has done everything you are very lucky, but I, like the pp, do genuinely wonder what’s the point of having another in your situation - especially if you husband isn’t particularly keen on the idea?

I love having three. As someone upthread said, they are a perfect little gang. I think back to the days of having a 6, 3 and newborn and it was crazy but a few years later it's all forgotten.

We stopped at two for environmental reasons (DH). I really wanted a third but DH felt strongly that 3 was environmentally irresponsible. After a while he said he would reconsider if I felt that strongly, but he retained the view that 2 was his preference. I decided that my want didn’t trump his feelings and after early 40s I stopped wanting another child.

My youngest is now 11 and if we had had a third I think he would have really suffered emotionally. As it is there are two laps, two sets of hands to hold, two + two in the car - I never feel that I can’t give each child time and I think with three I would be giving some time to one, but at the detriment to others. I work full time and DH is a sahp so I need to feel that I can still be emotionally available, three would make that hard.

Occasionally I look after a younger child for the day or weekend - love having him around but it can seriously impact on my youngest’s emotional health. It reinforces that stopping at two was the right choice for us.

Have you thought about what would happen if you decided to try for a third but had twins? Or a child with significant additional needs? How would that impact on the two you have already? Would your nanny cope with a third, high needs child?

Financially you obviously don’t need to worry - a GP married to anaesthestist isn’t going to be struggling financially.

East there is nothing at all wrong with having a nanny.

It just reads like the OP doesn't have enough time to enjoy the 2 DC she has so why have another.

I am not knocking that she is a working mother.

I have three; each thirteen months apart so at one point I had three under 2 and a half. It was hard at times. Crossing roads was the worst at 2/3/4 because you don't have enough hands and you have to rely on one to be responsible enough to be fourth in the chain. However, it is (and was) the best thing ever. They are so close. When they got older, I found that if one of the three was out or busy or grumpy then the other two still had each other and that is still the case.

Go for it.

I am a mum of 3. I would never regret any of my children. But we were both working. Everything seemed smooth. But what we couldn't plan on was having a child with disabilities. So I have now had to give up work to become a carer. We now have to partly rely on benefits to support our family which was never the plan. We don't know what the future holds but our daughter is always going to need looking after. I am permanently exhausted. Struggle with money etc. BUT they are worth it all and we would never change the decision we made

Thank you all for the replies.

Including the replies that I am dragging my husband kicking and screaming into something he doesn’t want, and that I have outsourced parenting already so why have another.

I work 2.5 days per week so on Monday and Tuesday I am up and at work by 7 and can be home late. I don’t see the children much. On Wednesday, in theory I finish at 1.30pm so I am usually home by 2.30 or 3. Thursday, Friday and the weekend I have off with my children. You may consider this to be a crappy way to parent, but it works for us, and in the future if it doesn’t then we will reconsider.

As for the argument that our second was a compromise, that’s not really how it worked out. We have a relationship of equals where if something is important to one of us then it is important to the other too. I won’t digress by outlining all of the other ways this has played out, but we are trying to make a joint decision about the practical issues here, because the fact it is important to me is enough for him not to need to be persuaded that it would bring our family a great deal of pleasure and happiness.

The issues relating to time are so interesting to read about and it sounds as if those who do have 3 have all managed to make it work but that it’s been a real challenge at times. Thanks for posting about those.

Lots of thought needed! We are planners and wouldn’t enter into this without a fair idea (I hope) of what it entails and how we would do it. And a nanny so I can lie on the sofa eating custard creams of course.

Next few years isn't the issue at all.
It's having 3 teens that is no fun at all. Endless rounds of hormones, stropiness, hating each other, exams, driving lessons, needing to go places.

You don't have to justify your working arrangements, OP.

It seems you're set on wanting this, tbh - and with your financial situation (though IIWY I would get the credit cards paid off) I think you'd be OK. As per my post above, my preference would be to wait a few years, but this may not be feasible depending on where exactly in your late 30s you are. I had my first at 28, last at 38. (Also a lot of people find the 'going back to square one' aspect of a big age gap difficult - dh and I didn't, really, as we never had the sense of missing our 'freedom' that some parents of young dc do).

I agree AJP. It will be on ten or so years that the fun will really start.

The endless lifts to endless hobbies, and social gatherings, the demands on time.

I only have the two. Ones at Uni but I am still in the car a lot with DS2.

As someone else above said it was the added mental load of 3 I didn't consider. I sort of thought it's just adding another child who would be doing the same child related things as the other 2 but very much once they get to school and nursery they each have their own friends and own interests. They all have different parties, different clubs, different play dates. This weekend my oldest was at a party and needed picked up at the same time the middle needed dropped at a party which was early afternoon when our toddler naps. We managed to arrange with friends to pick up the oldest for us. This friend has 3 kids to her oldest had a dancing completion her DH had taken her to her youngest was at the same party as mine and Her middle was to get dropped at a party as the youngest was to get picked up but luckily this was in the same venue.
My oldest 2 also had swimming lessons before the first party so DH had taken them to that ready for the party and then taken them straight there before brining middley home for lunch before his party.

Yes that's a rambling story but for us that is most weekends at the moment. Also they have a school disco coming up and they each go at a different time so we have to drop and pick then drop and pick. When littlest is at school we will have 3 different times for one year

I have 3....eldest is 5 and 2 year gaps. All boys. I absolutely love it, however I do want another one because I can see that as they get older one will be left out. Personally alot of my friends are happy with two and can't imagine any more....I'd say if you think you'd like another then go for it.

I'm in the same boat OP.
I have a 10 year old and a 2 year old..
Me and DH are thinking about a third would really love another, just trying to weigh out all the pros and cons. It's definitely a hard decision.

I think only you know whether you want another child enough or not, as finances/logistics aren't an issue in your case it more comes down to is it what you want?

I've always wanted 3 children and both my husband and I have 2 siblings. If we didn't want another child as much as we do we'd stop now as life would be cheaper and easier, but as other posters have said there's still someone missing. We are going for number 3 next year, our children are 3 and 1, we are probably mad, but I just know we aren't done.

We had an idyllic family life with 3 under 5 until the eldest became a teen.
He moved on to playing with friends and didn’t have anything in common with the younger two, the other two both did the same.

Family life doesn’t last long, my youngest doesn’t remember much of the nice years, his memories start when he was being left behind.

Kids are cheap. Hell, I could go days without spending any money on my two.

Teenagers however are a different ball game. My teen ds cost me £100 yesterday on socks, boxer shorts (( unbranded )) and new trackies for his D of E.

And he's fairly cheap to run as not interested in tech or gadgets

Totally agree with others that it’s the emotional demands of coping with 3 that I would find overwhelming (I stopped at one ).

Clearly financially you can manage 3 children but it is so hard when they get older, I think they need you more, it’s much harder to ‘outsource’ the emotional demands & needs of teenagers than it is with younger children I am not having a go about you having a nanny, that is clearly a sensible decision.

My friend has 3 teenagers, 2 at university, one doing A levels, it is a constant source of worry & emotional strain (& they are not ‘difficult’ teenagers by any means), just supporting them geographically is not easy.

Please think carefully, and it was in your initial OP that you made the comment yourself DH will need some persuasion.

We have 3 kids, the boys are 6 and 4 and baby girl is 20 months. It sounds so cheesy but our family felt complete when we had our third!! She is the cutest little thing and her brothers adore her. I became a SAHM after having her though because I found working FT with 3 was a little overwhelming and since she was our last baby I just wanted to savour every minute. My husband also works a demanding job and travels frequently so I do a lot of things in my own. I think you are In a great position having a nanny who can help you out. Luckily money isn't an issue for us. Vacations are sometimes tricky logistically but we just search for family friendly hotels that have suites with bunk beds or something like that so we have enough space. We had to buy a bigger vehicle and we lost our spare bedroom so everyone can have their own room. The only downside for me is going back to early morning wake ups but in the grand scheme of things it's only for a short period and I'm surviving. When I was trying to decide to have a 3rd I searched for "3 kid families" on Pinterest and found soo many adorable pictures. It convinced me haha. Zero regrets, I couldn't imagine not having her now and I can't believe we ever doubted having our 3rd. Go for it :)

I would say this to anyone considering having a child, not just to someone considering having a third. And I would imagine that you've at least considered this, but I will say it anyway!

Consider not only how your lives would change with a third child, but how your lives would change with a third child who has special needs/special educational needs. Our second child has classic autism and other co-morbidities. It has changed our lives (mine, DH's and DS') entirely. And it has changed our family dynamic entirely. Everything, and I mean everything, is a compromise. From where we go, what we do, where and what we eat, our plans for next week/next month/next year/next decade. Everything has to be planned and thought through in advance, and, even then, experiences may not go well (and by this, I mean they could be disastrous). It has changed our relationships with friends and family to some extent too.

I absolutely adore my youngest, and am fiercely protective and ambitious for him. But it has changed me and DH and my eldest and it is bloody tough, emotionally, physically and mentally.

Not wanting to put a dampener on your hopes at all, but it is something to consider, I think.

It's down to you and DH.
Personally, in your position and in the way that you discuss the posibility of having a third, I would. Yes. You have a lot of happiness to offer your kids! Adopt me! I'd love a French holiday home.

Kids. They're the biggest mistake we never regret.

I have three, OP. I wish I had four but my third was born when I was 42 and that's as old as I wanted to go. I didn't want to have another at 44-46. So 3 it is. I love having three. Two was much more managable, it's true. But if you're a relaxed person and fairly go with the flow, 3 is awesome. It WILL throw a curveball into your life, short-term. But you have the resources to handle this. Go for it! In your position, I'd be having 4-5 kids.

I agree with @welltidy

A close friend of mine was the driving force in her family to have a 3rd DC and problems at the birth resulted in severe disabilities for the child.

They love the DC, but it's meant my friend giving up her career (even though she was the higher earner, her DH refused as the 3rd child was her idea).

They've had to move house to save money, downsizing & giving her DH a longer commute, so Mon to Fri he barely sees the kids.

Her DC now share rooms, they can no longer afford holidays, after-school activities etc.

Her eldest DC confided in me that she preferred the life they had before DC3. My friend misses her career & never wanted to be a SAHM, but will be forever (it's unlikely their 3rd DC will be able to live independantly).

The marriage has suffered and almost broken down completely.

Whilst this is a very extreme case and obviously could happen with a 1st or 5th child, you do need to consider the impact a child with additional needs would bring and how that effects your existing DCs.

Thank you @Sausagerollers. I was unsure how to say what I wanted to say, and my words very much go against the overall energy of the thread, but it is something to seriously consider I feel. There is nothing in either DH or my family background that would suggest that we would have a child with such severe difficulties. It is just how things have turned out. And it changes everything.

We've ummed and ahhed about a 3rd since our 2nd was 2.

My 2 are now 7 and 5 and I'm glad we never went for a 3rd, though DH is still hopeful.

Apart from physically (my 2 are horrendous sleepers), emotionally I just couldn't do it.

September to December last year had me in bits. 15 medical appointments for DS1 (he has a couple of issues plus he kept getting ill and being off school and I needed a Drs note for my work).

DS2 crying his eyes out going to school every single day until mid November (totally draining).

DS1 experiencing some bullying and crying most evenings.

Having to help DS1 with his homework (average 45 minutes a day) after I get back from work, but also juggling DS2 wanting attention and cuddles.

Juggling DC being sick and off school. Ok when you've still got a FT nanny, but presumably you won't when all 3 are at school.

Knowing what your jobs are, my dh and I are probably in a similar income bracket to you.

Obviously you can afford it and with your set up with the nanny and holiday home, means some of the incremental costs of a third are not so high.

I think the key consideration for you is all the extras - I expect you can afford private school for two, but could you for three? It's the difference between going skiing, horseriding lessons, paying your mortgage off earlier...whatever it is.

I think it's the difference between giving two kids (and yourselves) a really great life or just having a 'normal' life with three.

I'm pregnant with my third BTW, and had these debates with dh. Could easily afford private school for two, but now getting out the spreadsheets to see if we can stretch it to a third. But we both have family reasons with what has happened with our siblings as to why we feel having three is the best number for us.

I can't tell you what having 3dc is like but I can tell you that being pregnant with severe sickness (worse than first two), with 2 dc under 5 and working is really really tough!

Just as a point on private school I negotiated a 3 for 2 offer on fees, don’t assume prices are set in stone