To have a third DC

[hannahsp84]

Just looking for some advice and perspectives from mums of 3, or mums who decided to stick at 2 but considered a 3rd.

We are a professional couple in our late 30s who have two beautiful DCs aged 2 and 4. We have fairly well paid jobs, a modest mortgage, and recently much to our surprise inherited a second home in France. We have two cars, a couple of credit cards but no major debt except the mortgage etc.

I would love a third child. My DH will take some persuasion but he is amenable. He loves children and he would really like a third person to be part of our family but he’s convinced that it’ll be very very expensive and that the baby years with potentially three under 6 or 7 would be hellish and perhaps not worth it.

Am I missing something? Is a third child really so much more expensive than the amount extra we spent on each of the others? I know kids are expensive but is this some kind of tipping point? We would need to replace one of our cars, and already have one XC90 which sits 3 adults in the back no problem. We plan to holiday at our own home in France most of the time so no worries about package holiday prices etc. We have a live out nanny already as due to our long work hours some days it already worked out cheaper than nursery and makes our lives so much easier too. I’m sure she’d be able to manage a third child with a bit of a pay rise.

Is a third child a huge amount of work? Enough to make the first few years intolerably shit? Or just in the “a bit stressful but worth it” category.

Mums of 3, it’s Sunday evening...are you happy? Or are you crying into your wine counting down the hours until a relaxing break at work tomorrow?

I had one, went for a second and ended up with twins, so no choice in having 3. Saying that, the twins are incredibly close and they are very close with their older sibling.
Not saying you might have twins but something to think about? Mind you, I'm glad I've got them, even if they are all grown up now.

I really wanted a third child for years and years. My dh was indifferent and was happy with two. We could easily afford three, it wasn’t about the money but the energy for him.
The feeling of desperately wanting another child dropped off immediately for me at forty.
Since then I have been so incredibly grateful we didn’t go ahead. I developed serious health problems and would not have coped with a baby in the mix, dh lost his job ( eventually found another) and our support fell away due to death and ill health. The health problems resolved, but it made me realise how fragile everything is, and how vulnerable life can be with babies and little children.
You can’t foresee what the future holds. I think the biggest reason though is not even that, it is the effort, energy time and love my two dc have needed since they have become older. Far from putting my feet up as they have grown older everything has become much more demanding. The levels of homework, sports, driving around emotional support etc has increased beyond anything I could imagine with teens. All the jokes about teens are not jokes! It is real and it is absolutely exhausting if you are doing hands on parenting .

I am glad I am don’t need to tag on a little one as well, not even sure how it would ever work now.
I am relieved we made our decision at the time, and although I am sure I would have loved a third. Practically it would have killed us!! Really killed us. Life is civilised, balanced and enjoyable now.

Is a third child really so much more expensive than the amount extra we spent on each of the others?

Yes they really are. If you're the type of person who only decides based on how much they cost then you shouldn't have a third.

Is a third child a huge amount of work? Enough to make the first few years intolerably shit? Or just in the “a bit stressful but worth it” category.

I'd put the first couple of years into the intolerably shit category, but they got much better.

Mums of 3, it’s Sunday evening...are you happy? Or are you crying into your wine counting down the hours until a relaxing break at work tomorrow?

My oldest is at boarding school, texting me to arrange which colleges we're going to visit together during April break. My youngest spent the day skiing with his dad. My middle one spent the day mostly in bed, then we had a lovely dogwalk together.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Thanks all. Really helpful to read. We are very lucky to have our wonderful nanny and I know our situation is a fortunate one in general.

I don’t mind it being a lot of work, I’ve never been one to sit around with my feet up and although my DH is, I don’t mind the endless soft play etc mentioned above so that doesn’t really fill me with horror. Maybe my DH is worried that I might start dragging him along!

We have two boys at present, and genuinely both have no preference for whether the third would be a boy or a girl. I don’t think a girl would end up left out.

I do understand my DH’s concerns. If it were up to him I think we would probably have stopped at 1 but he was happy to have a second as he knew it meant a lot to me to have several children so we agreed to try for a second and then see. The second has been easier than we thought. The birth was also a VBAC so our previous concerns re a third involving a risky 3rd section are no longer valid thankfully!

He’s a very very rational man (anaesthetist!) so I think we just need to try to be as objective as we can. The positives speak more or less for themselves as all the replies have shown but the negatives do need considering too. I know we are very lucky not to have to worry as much about the cost but there would still be a financial impact on us, so it does need bearing in mind.

The issue of having enough time for each child is a big one. Probably the biggest. Our wonderful nanny makes me think this might be possible though. I come home from work and don’t have to be shouty mummy for 90 mins and then cajole them into bed. I come home to clean children in pyjamas and we have family time together in the evening, either reading or playing with their toys or whatever. I have a busy job (GP) and am sometimes not home until 9pm. My nanny will happily work a few extra hours if need be and I come home to the kids all in bed and can actually relax and have a glass of wine with my DH. I know a third child would add another couple of years of that crazy baby phase which we all love to hate. I’m not really even a baby person! I think that’s a good thing really because I’m not “broody”, I would really like a third family member and not just a cute baby. We really value our family holidays as a time to all relax together and that wouldn’t be changing.

Our lives are meticulously coordinated anyway as it is, due to my husband working shifts and me having a busy work life too. Another child would be an additional component but I think our personalities are the sort that would cope ok with all the scheduling.

Loads to consider. Thank you.

Have a third only if you are willing to be very family focussed.

We have three age 7 and under.

A third has changed everything on its head. DC3 was a great baby, good sleeper and a fairly straightforward toddler.

The mental load increases significantly. Trying to manage diaries for three young kids is exhausting.

I found I couldn't cope with my job and quit, having managed well with two kids.

Going out alone is hard because you are leaving one adult with three kids. It requires both of you to be at home a lot in order to give them all the time you need.

When illness hits the house it floors you all for ages. If one isn't sleeping they are all not sleeping.

Obviously I wouldn't change it and they are amazing together, but it's a LOT more work.

If you aren't sure then stick at 2.

I have three, 6, 4 and almost 2. I'm sure it would be easier with two but I love having three. And the experience of having a third child has been amazing. We are done at three so I have completely relished every stage so far in a different way than I did with the first two. Number three is a complete little character already, growing up in the lovely chaos of a family of five. I'm sure it will be expensive as we are already at buying three of everything stage and they don't have expensive stuff yet. But sounds like you can afford it so go for it'

Financially I have found having 3 very difficult. My youngest is also more demanding and attention seeking than my older 2 and I do sometimes wonder if they would have had a more nurturing and settled childhood just the 2 of them.

There is always bickering when the 3 are together. Remove one and they get on great!
I love my youngest to bits but sometimes think life would have been a tad more harmonious with 2.

I have three aged 11, 9 and 5. I have loved having three but giving each one enough attention is definitely becoming harder as they get older and really need your time and dedicated attention - just playing together, reading or doing a puzzle isn’t enough. Plus coordinating their various clubs, play dates, appointments etc. feels like a full time job in itself.
I feel my middle child has been the most affected, and I do wonder if he would have found life easier if we hadn’t had a third.

Currently pregnant with a third but we felt strongly after 2 we wernt done and as a pp said 'someone was missing'. I read a lot about to have/ not to have a third and found a lovely post. The poster commented that with 2 parents 2 kids they were forever splitting off into 2 groups but with 3 kids they did more as a family and everything was more circular/harmonious.
We shall see how I get on
What I didn't bank on was getting pregnant so quickly and I had extreme morning sickness and was nearly admitted to hospital.

@Elisheva

I think this is a really good point. I came to the realisation the other day that my DS1 would have thrived as an only child (despite me thinking this was always a terrible fate for a child), I won't bore with all the details but I feel at this time at least his brother has been nothing but a pain to him in so many ways, there's only 3 years between them so it's not a huge gap. Obviously I wouldn't change having his brother for anything!

Having a 3rd child would be for me, it wouldn't be in the best interests of my children (for lots of reasons, some financial which obviously doesn't effect OP), but particularly my eldest due to his personality. When you already have children I guess you have to look at the family as a whole, not just your own wishes.

I know having children can't always be a head decision and your heart has to play a part, I can struggle reading these threads sometimes as I worry my obsession with "practical" reasons will mean I have regrets later in life, but I do have to remind myself sometimes that it isn't just MY heart to consider. My children are 8 and 5 as well now so a baby would be a big change to their lives, and not one I think either would appreciate. I think it could have only worked for them if we'd done it quickly.

I have three all fairly close in age and absolutely love it. I had a few doubts too before so have been pleasantly surprised. Obviously you can't always choose age gap but I'd try sooner rather than later - personally I like the fact they're on similar-ish bedtimes etc and will play together.

I still work three days but obviously childcare is expensive and logistically hard - with a nanny though that will mean less additional expense and juggling for you.

We thought long and hard about having a third and discussed it for over a that.

Turns out that we loved our third so much that we went on to have a fourth! (Dc aged 9,8,5&3).

I adore having a little tribe. All the kids are so kind and share/play really well. We don't really need anyone from the outside world, we are a happy little tribe!

I highly recommend.

In terms of cost it means 3 cinema tickets instead of 2, 3 tickets to the zoo, 3 lunches, three snacks, three ice creams etc so although each of these things may be a small cost they do all add up over time. But it sounds as though that maybe ok for you. It would also mean another round of nappies and possibly formula if you bottle fed again an added cost.

For holidays our littlest is still under 2 so haven't had to pay extra flights yet but I have been looking at holidays for next year and it's harder to find rooms for 5 sometimes you need to book 2 rooms and I have a friend with three and she has had to book 2 rooms in hotels before.

We have a slightly bigger gap with 4 years between nunber 2 and 3 so for us it has meant going back to nappies and having to keep your eyes on them constantly after moving out of that with the older 2 but I know friends with closer gaps who day they never got out of that stage so it was less of an issue. The bigger gap also means that the littlest can't do a lot of things the bigger two want to do which may get tricker the older he gets and realises he is missing out on things. They also have very different schedules so you will at some point have one or two in school and one in nursery and one at home. This meant I spent last year basically walking up and down to the school for all the different drop offs and or getting a baby to nap. We spend most of our weekend taking kids to parties or sports clubs and it is very much a hectic time.

Despite saying all that I we all love our littlest and it melts my heart to see his older brothers playing with him and caring for him. It feels totally different this time around we are confident in our parenting and I feel very laid back with him and he is currently just a little ball of fun and fitness in our life. (I am waiting for the terrible 2's !)

Each kid is amazing but as a collective they certainly knacker me out and I often need wine.

I don't know if that helps sorry if it sounds negative just trying to give you my reality. I love having a busy house though and love them all havung each other.

I wouldn't if I were you. If your Dh would have preferred to stop at one then he has already compromised! Two children is a very different family to just one child ....and one child was his preference!

I think 3 children with a nanny and weekday routine would be perfectly manageable. But 3 children brings an element of chaos to family outings and holidays. Not to mention juggling a third child and their extracurricular activities, birthday parties and play dates on the weekend. Does he actually want all that that when he is having his downtime and not working his busy professional life?

3rd has put a lot of pressure on our relationship. Only do it if DH is really hands on and helpful and keen.

Our 3rd has also been a lot trickier with sleep and behaviour than the other two so the toddler and pre school years have been really tough.

Someone sent me this article and a lot of it rang very true!

motherofalllists.com/2019/01/25/is-three-the-magic-number/

I have three and it's great, but there are eight years between the second and third (two and a bit between the first and second) - while that was a somewhat bigger gap than we'd planned (it would have been 5-6 years if we hadn't had recurrent mc), I absolutely wouldn't have wanted three all close together, tbh. As things are, of course it's often hard to coordinate things but the older two do their own thing a lot and expense is spread out to a degree. And the older two utterly adore their sister. She's their very favourite person. It's wonderful to see.

Our age gaps are 3.5 years and then 4 years so I feel we’ve been at it for ages! Having said that the eldest (age 7 then) was lovely and helpful when youngest was born.
not so keen now she’s 11 and youngest is 3 and trashes all her stuff

I have three. It is true that for us the costs were higher; we had to extend the house and buy a bigger car . There was also another long spell with me off work. Having no said that I cannot imagine weighing up an extra person for everyone to love against more disposable income. We were in a similar situation to you in that we could afford to accommodate a third. Foreign holidays and brand new cars will never give as much pleasure as a child.
No regrets and now that I only have one at home I am grateful that my time providing everyday parental support has been prolonged.

I think financially it isn't so much of an issue when they're tiny (except childcare, but it sounds like you've got that covered). What you're not thinking about is what life will be like twelve years down the line. You won't just be paying 3x tickets for everything, you'll be paying 3x extra-curricular activities (particularly ruinous if one takes up an instrument or an expensive sport), 3x phone bills, 3x laptops and games consoles and smartphones, 3x school residential trips and theatre trips and uniform and bus passes (and school fees if you decide to go private), with 3x driving lessons and university fees looming on the horizon. And that's assuming everyone is in perfect mental and physical health, because it gets even more expensive if they aren't.

Its great that the nanny gets them ready for bed now but in ten years time that won't be the case - teenagers are up all evening and can need lots of time to talk things through etc, not really stuff you'd want to contract out iyswim.

Is you nanny willing to cope with 3?

As you are a GP I am surprised you say you DH is open ‘to persuasion’
to have another. Is that really a fair way to consider bringing another child into the world? I think if you both really wanted a third then it would be different but having to ‘persuade’ someone to have another child is not really fair, he might agree just to make you happy rather than because he wants another one.

@lazylizzy couldn't agree more!!

brummiesue - not sure what that was about? The OP has mentioned being a GP so I imagine needs reliable childcare in the form of her nanny so she can care for many many other people. The nanny isn’t so she can spend all day lying on a couch eating custard creams

Not cool to mock the support networks other women who are doing their best make