To not allow DD to attend sleepovers?

[DizzyPhillips]

I have name changed for this.

DD1 is 4 and starting school this year. I am wondering how necessary it is that I let her attend sleepovers. Probably a while before I have this actual scenario I know (I was 6 or 7 when I had my first one). However, I have just been chatting with DH about this (conversation stemming from chat about “that” MJ documentary) and I’m just interested in points of view (DH thinks I’m probably being unreasonable although “sees where I’m coming from”).

I worry mainly about the possibility of abuse. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely understand that there is not a paedo on every corner etc etc and not every man is a paedo etc etc and this is generally not something I tend to spend much energy worrying about. I suppose I worry that we might be unlucky. I know how small the risk is but I guess it seems like a hell of a gamble.

I mean I vaguely know some of the parents of girls who will likely be in DDs class at school and they all seem perfectly nice. But 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s not like you’d know, is it?

I used to go to sleepovers when I was young and nothing untoward ever happened so I accept I am probably being ridiculous. I also worry about her not being looked after properly and getting hurt or trying to get home etc but I think this is me just being silly.

I definitely sound ridiculous don’t I i don’t want to be that parent. I just hate the idea of it. But accept I may just need to be ok with it.

I have found that my anxiety has been quite bad since having children, although I’m getting better at hiding it. It’s just that it all seems so depressingly common these days. I feel like every day there is another story about something bad happening to a child.

It's an easy risk to minimise with little or no ill effects to the child.

My oldest is almost 9 and has only ever slept over with family and very close family friends. He's still done cub camp and will go on school residentials. I'm just not sending him to sleep over in houses I don't know, with people I don't know, there could be dogs etc. It's fine.

I can genuinely say that I have never ever given thought to sexual risks of my children going to a sleepover. I’m not a fan of them, and my 9 year old has never had one, my 13 year old has had a few and my 16 year old very few but my reluctance is purely because of the lack of sleep and staying up all night. I think I’m in the minority it would seem though

My kids didn't do sleepovers until year 3 so around 7 or 8 years old. By this time you will hopefully know their best friends parents reasonably well, and your DD will have had longer periods of time away from you at school. This of course doesnt mean you are obliged to do sleepovers, its up to you but you might feel more ok with it in 3-4 years time. A few of my DDs friends have done what they call a sleep under where they come for the evening but are picked up at say 10.30pm (they are more like 11 or 12 though)

You don’t need to cover up your anxiety, you need to get help for it. There are many many things that will potentially endanger your child far more than a sleepover, please do get some help for your anxiety.

My husband is very firm with this. No sleepovers ever. Kids are welcome here for sleepovers, but ours wont be going to any other peoples house.

Monstrance can you explain why he feels so strongly about it?

Personal reasons. Not going to go into it but he absolutely wont ever budge on it.

applesbananas

I’m with you on the lack of sleep. I think term time sleepovers can be a bit of a bad idea due to lack of sleep, assuming all sleepovers are like the ones I remember where nobody slept much at all. Maybe some aren’t like that? Don’t know.

When DD started school, I said no to sleepovers (who wants extra 5 year old overnight anyway when you don't know them too well ). My main worries were me not knowing the families well, my daughter not knowing the families well, their pets being boisterous and my DD not knowing how to behave around them (DD wasn't used to dogs), worries that DD wouldn't sleep well etc. In my mind at the time, I had yr 5 (age 9) as a suitable age.
DD is now in year 4 and I'm even less keen TBH. Too many of her peers watch unsuitable (IMO) TV / films for 8/9 year olds (e.g Dirty Dancing ), play unsuitable games like Fortnite and have unsupervised access to iPads / YouTube etc. I know I'm probably ostracising her socially but I don't agree with others' activities.

God I hate the old “get help” chestnut that’s thrown at people for having genuine concerns. It’s a discussion forum for parents so wtf is wrong with OP thinking out loud and airing her concerns?!

So fucking rude tbh.

My two dds are 7 and 9 and neither has been to a sleepover yet, its not really the done thing here at that age. The eldest has recently been invited by her bf to sleepover but I've said no at the moment as dh works all weekend and obviously we would have to reciprocate and it would be unfair on him to have more screaming girls in the house when he's up at 6.

My sons at school are 5+6 and it hadn't come up, until the 6 year old was asked to go on a sleepover last week and was told that they'd be playing a horror video game, so obviously that didn't happen, plus I don't know his mum.
When the time comes (if it does) just assess it, try to get to know the parents of your child's friends. My 6 year old has two close friends, and I am friendly with both sets of parents, but one of them I wouldn't want him to even go for the afternoon let alone overnight, you have to make your own judgement. You are definitely not unreasonable to be worried about all this though, at the end of the day your childs fate is in your hands.

I didn't allow mine on sleepovers until they were 10-ish. I felt that they have a good sense of what is right and wrong by then, so would not accept anything that didn't seem right. They also have a good sense who their friends are and you know the parents for years at that point.
But be prepared to be called mean for 2-3 years!
The problem is that you can say yes to your 6 year old staying over with Mary whose mother seems very nice every time you see her. But you might not want to say yes to Jane whose parents swear and shout. But try explaining that to the child and the parents involved! Best to wait as long as you can.

I just don't think one can live life as a 'worst case scenario', I think you just end up tying yourself in knots and constraining your child, which has the effect of making them more dependent on parental advice/protection and as a result, ultimately less safe from exploitation or dealing with challenges. I'm aware it's a thing some people worry about but was happy to let DD go to sleepovers where they started (about age 8 or 9)

For some reason I think that one off party scenario provides more security than a regular sleepover where relationships are built (and grooming occurs)

But that's presenting grooming as something which routinely happens at sleepovers, which isn't the case.

I do agree though that worrying about this when the child is just 4 is OTT. Sleepovers with school friends don't usually start until later, when the kids are 8 or 9 at the youngest.

We never allowed sleepovers at a friends house and my children don’t allow them now either. My grandchildren who are old enough do go on various school trips that involve time away from home, skiing for eg that’s a 7 hour flight away but sleepovers are not something they do either as a guest or a host.

There are plenty of other ways to make an all rounded child.

When dd2 wanted a sleepover party for her 7th birthday, I invited the 4 girls she wanted but made it very clear on the invitation that they were absolutely welcome to join us for the activity and go home for bedtime if that made the parents more comfortable.

Of the 4 we were good friends with 2 sets of parents by then and had had play dates with the others. I was quite surprised when one of the parents we hadn't met very often accepted without asking any questions. Then I discovered she'd asked the other parents, and the school, all about me! So she had all the inside scoop about what sort of family we are, which obviously put her mind at ease. I'm a teacher so that sort of builds trust, and then she realised that I also help at Brownies, so must be a model citizen . Mostly she trusted the other parents judgement about me and DH.

Your dd is a very small child, the tiny child you see before you is not the older savvier child you will be sending on sleepovers.

By the time sleepovers start happening, you've usually known the families of their friends for sometime, you can then make an informed judgment on whether or not you are happy fr your child to sleep at their house.

My dds didn't sleep at anyone I didn't know reasonably wells house until secondary, simply because in primary you get to know your children's friends parents well before the age of sleepovers.

I remember Libby Purves saying she left her baby at home to go and have her second, and when she got home 24 hours later, he was enormous and with huge hard shoes on......

OP you will get to the point where you can trust your instincts. DS 1 was invited to his first sleepover when he was 7 but it just didn’t feel right (he’d been there on play dates and whenever I picked him up there were always various different adults there. Another time I was told the dad would drop him home but it turned out the dad’s friend dropped him instead). So I simply said he wasn’t ready yet.

He’s now 13 and been on quite a few sleepovers. They have all felt ‘right’.

My dc won't be having sleepovers or going to sleepovers either op. I didn't sleep away from home (apart from immediate family) until I was 16.

I don't give a hoot what anyone says or thinks my dc will not be sleeping in a home of people who are not family. I also don't care if that makes me unpopular.

In our case we ended up befriending the parents so we knew them very well. I agree I wouldn’t send a primary age child to a family I didn’t know very well.

Your views do change. I remember when I was about 14 my mum tutting at young couples going away together but when my sister went on a round the world gap year at 18 she was very relieved and happy it was with a lovely reliable boyfriend your boundaries evolve as your child grows up

I don’t think you should be worrying about this already, my eldest is 7 and is yet to go on a sleepover. None of his friends have had them yet, we all know they would be too excited to sleep so it won’t happen until they’re older. I’ve got to know the parents over the last couple of years as friendships have developed which really helps.

My 4 year old is also one of the youngest in reception and loves school. Of course it’s a worry, I was worried at the start of school but it’s been fine. It’s a lot of play.

DD is 9 and has been on 2 and came home at 11 from one - both with parents I know very well. No way would she go to any I didn't know very well. If nothing else I want her to feel comfortable enough to say I want to go home. DS is 7 and I have declined several. He won't go till he is 9 either and same rules apply.

Don’t worry about sleepovers yet. It seems like a massive thing when they are so small and rarely away from you and you build up to each step gradually.

Firstly school, then play dates which after a while become longer. They go to parties and reach an age where you feel ok to dro them off and pick them up. My son is 12 and I can count on my fingers how many sleepovers he’s had.

He spent a couple of nights away with a friend at 6 and then a night with some friends of ours. He had a night at a relatives when I was in hospital and then a night at a school friends caravan aged 9 and for another friend’s birthday age 11.

He has since then decided they are not all they are cracked up to be. He likes his sleep and his own bed. He likes to know where everything is etc. He was happier with the ‘holiday’ ones than just staying over at someone’s house.

He is keen to have someone here but as yet I have managed to avoid it. He is 12. I have said maybe in the summer holidays.

It does not have to be a big feature. Some kids do them a lot. Others hardly at all.

As time passes you will feel more comfortable as you build up to the next thing. Just assess at the time when you have the info to hand.