To not allow DD to attend sleepovers?

[DizzyPhillips]

I have name changed for this.

DD1 is 4 and starting school this year. I am wondering how necessary it is that I let her attend sleepovers. Probably a while before I have this actual scenario I know (I was 6 or 7 when I had my first one). However, I have just been chatting with DH about this (conversation stemming from chat about “that” MJ documentary) and I’m just interested in points of view (DH thinks I’m probably being unreasonable although “sees where I’m coming from”).

I worry mainly about the possibility of abuse. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely understand that there is not a paedo on every corner etc etc and not every man is a paedo etc etc and this is generally not something I tend to spend much energy worrying about. I suppose I worry that we might be unlucky. I know how small the risk is but I guess it seems like a hell of a gamble.

I mean I vaguely know some of the parents of girls who will likely be in DDs class at school and they all seem perfectly nice. But 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s not like you’d know, is it?

I used to go to sleepovers when I was young and nothing untoward ever happened so I accept I am probably being ridiculous. I also worry about her not being looked after properly and getting hurt or trying to get home etc but I think this is me just being silly.

I definitely sound ridiculous don’t I i don’t want to be that parent. I just hate the idea of it. But accept I may just need to be ok with it.

I have found that my anxiety has been quite bad since having children, although I’m getting better at hiding it. It’s just that it all seems so depressingly common these days. I feel like every day there is another story about something bad happening to a child.

My mum didn't let me go to a sleepover until I was 13 ... I really don't think it's some kind of god-given rite of passage and I don't understand why everyone is obsessed with sleepovers. I just remember scratchy duvets, uncomfortable mattresses and creepy older brothers.

When my dad was 16 she slept over at a friends

Friends older sisters boyfriend was staying over. He had set up a discrete mobile phone camera recording both girls in the shower

She had stayed numerous times when he had been there. Police took it VERY seriously. He did time for it

No more sleepovers. You don't know who else will have access

My mum never let me go on sleepovers despite my begging to be allowed to go. I never understood it until I was older and learnt she'd been abused by a family friend. YANBU to feel this way.

I'm a survivor of Csa and absolutely understand where you're coming from, and I was probably far more wary than most.

But you're a few years off for starters, that's useful not just in terms of your child's age but you'll find you grow in confidence as their parent too both in yourself and in trusting her to indicate any possible problems to you.

I was very lucky as dds 2 best friends at this stage were one with a completely single mum just like me and one who's parents were both police officers.

By the time the kids reached sleepover stage I knew the parents very well and trusted them.

Dd was occasionally asked on sleepovers by families we didn't know as well, one I was very wary of but as it happened they had a big barky dog and at that point dd was terrified of dogs and that gave me an out. I later learned there was dv in that house and very glad I hadn't exposed her to that.

As she got older there were more but again I knew the parents/families well and often there were additional reassuring factors (which are of course no guarantee but reduces the risk)

I also taught her things like the pants rule and to contact me if for any reason she wasn't comfortable, on a couple of occasions I had to collect her from sleepovers but it was usually because she was coming down with something and had started feeling unwell, one time it was an older sister was annoying her (she was saying derogatory things about dds dad not living with us) and she didn't go back to that family but stayed friends with the younger sister.

Of course you don't have to let her go, plenty of families make that decision for a variety of reasons (one family we were friendly with didn't normally let their little girl go on sleepovers as she was type 1 diabetic. But from getting to know us and learning I'm an ex nurse and when she was old enough she was managing her needs quite well herself anyway we were privileged to be trusted to have her over. Girls had a great time) it's not compulsory, but it's a lot of fun for children at a certain age.

Whatever works for your family.

"but I have always been flabbergasted at the parents who will send off their young child to a friend's home and they know absolutely nothing about the other parents." Yes I find this very odd, a few times dd would come to me and say "x's parents said she can stay over at the weekend if it's ok with you" when I'd never even met the child let alone the parents!!

A lot of your anxiety stems from the fact that you're imagining her going on a sleepover now when she's still too young and in no way ready to go on one.

You're also imagining sending her to families you don't know very well.

Give it another few years, when she's that much older, and you've got to know her friends' families more, and you're bound to feel quite different.

You may still not want to send her and that's fine (not my position, but fine if it's yours).

But you're viewing this through the lens of now, rather than in the future when the circumstances will be different.

graphista with respect were you abused by a stranger? I was SA by a family member. Most abuse happens with trusted people.. family or family friends. As you know that's how they go undetected because they are in the trusted circle. I've very close with my BIL, my sisters husband but I'd still be wary and be on my guard when it comes to my children. I hate it, as he is a good man more of a father to me than my own father was, however my abuser wasn't a "bad man" It's shit :-(

I am anti sleepovers unless it’s a birthday party type event with multiple children there (which has happened maybe 3 times and my kids are 9 & 10).

For some reason I think that one off party scenario provides more security than a regular sleepover where relationships are built (and grooming occurs).

If my children ask I say the other child is very welcome at our place but they can’t stay there. And it’s a universal rule so I don’t need to worry about offending anyone.

Other families in our social circle allow weekly sleepovers (including on school nights ).

I sympathise and from the anecdote of a friend would also be very wary (you can't always know what other young lad might be in the house)

OP. Get help

When I was raising my two girls I was anxious just like you. I only allowed my daughters to go to sleepovers at homes where there were no DH or BF or even older teenage brothers. however I did host a lot of sleepovers at my house. I had sleepovers every year on New Years Eve! The girls had a fun party and the parents were very happy not to have to pay a sitter in order to go out. You can give your DD social experiences and still keep her safe.

Monty27
In what way do you think op needs help?

I didn't let DD go on sleep overs until she had a mobile phone (10) which meant she had a phone earlier than I would have liked. But she did call me once (age 11) and say she wasn't comfortable (parents had gone out leaving teen older sibling in charge, and older sibling was drinking) so I picked her up. No harm came of it but I was cross with the parents, who apologised profusely for the behaviour of their eldest and assured me she wouldn't be in charge again. We've had sleepovers there since and no trouble. I trust DD to call me, as she did. At 4, there is no way I could have imagined letting her going on sleepovers and certainly not after an incident like that. But she's capable and sensible and it's important to her socially. I believe she's safe and if she wasn't, she would let me know. Her younger sister at the same age now has no interest in going on sleepovers. Lots of her friends come here, but she only likes her own bed and that's fine. You might find it's a non-issue if she's very close to you. She might not want to be away all night.

I am in the US- a friend who is a family therapist attends a lot of parenting conferences etc and the one thing she told me is- AVOID sleepovers. You have no idea who is in the house-older brothers may have their friends sleeping over and she just said that is too common one- an older boy 12/13/14 'experimenting' with a sister's friend....I have to say it put me right off sending my 6 year old when the invite came- we just said - no thanks.

This is a speaker she told me about who really impressed on her how it is actually more common than any of us would like to think

LucyBabs no my father so I'm well aware it's trusted people but I'm also aware that our experiences will make us more wary than most and that while most rapists and abusers are men not most men are abusers (though I do think the stats are higher than official figures) I was always very careful who dd was left with and she never came to any harm.

There are less than 10 men I would trust her with, one of those is the father of her best friend from primary the policeman who we are still in touch with even though the girls are no longer as close. He's an absolutely lovely man. The others are close relatives I've known all my life and my 2 closest friends husbands who I've known an extremely long time and one of those friends is also a survivor and I would absolutely trust her with dds life!

Yes it's often family friends/relatives but there's often indicators something is "off" anyway, I've noticed it even with the incidents/perpetrators I've seen reported in the news. Even before they're considered suspects, I'm sure you know what I mean, there's obvious red flags but I also firmly believe there's also something in the mannerisms, voice tone etc that often survivors pick up on.

I've had social occasions where I've taken against someone because "something" about them reminds me about my dad. Not necessarily they look like him or sound like him but something in how they conduct themselves and I've been right every time, they've turned out to be abusive men of some kind.

I've spoken of this before on here, through watching a show called "lie to me" and also seeing and reading about other personal safety advisors that have been on tv talk shows etc there is now believed to be scientific basis in how some peoples (especially those who've been victims in the past) ability to pick up on tiny clues that inform our "gut reactions" to certain people is developed. Some of us are better (as a result of experience) at picking up on things like tiny mannerisms, facial expressions, body odour changes, skin tone etc.

And even people who haven't been victims pick up on these cues, but girls and women especially are socialised to ignore these, to "be nice" and "not be rude" in backing off from people we sense are a threat.

One of the things I drummed into my dd is "trust your gut" if a situation or a person doesn't feel right, even if you couldn't say why at that particular point, remove yourself from the situation. She says that she's done just this on several occasions and its served her well, where its surprised both of us is where it's turned out to be useful in dealings with certain types of women/girls too.

Unfortunately, however much we prepare them or try to protect them we can't protect them from everything. All we can do is reduce the risks as much as possible without (hopefully) making them overly anxious and unable to live their lives. Just as important they learn who they CAN trust as well as who they can't

My dd is 8 and has been on lots of sleepovers.
Yesterday she was invited to one where it's common knowledge that the mum is a Coke head and I had to lie and say she was sick.

Another of her friends was staying too which baffled me. The parents know what goes on in the house and whilst the children are not exposed to it directly there is no way on god's earth I could allow it.

Dd was not impressed with me but how do I explain that to a just turned 8yr old?
Gut instinct works for me too.

The issue is that as they said about MJ-"he was a very kind and generous man...and he was also a pedophile." My youth theater leader was a kind and much loved leader- he also turned out to be a pedophile who was abusing several members of the group- you cannot spot the people who have this fetish so it is like russian roulette and what I know is they are opportunists.Sleep overs present an opportunity.

Thank you all. I completely take on board that it is too early to be worrying about this, and yes it is probably correct that I am thinking about this in the context of how she is now.

For the poster who asked. No I have not suffered SA. I think I am just sick and saddened by the stories I have read recently. Madeleine McCann, Aleisha McPhail. And stories from friends. It makes me sick to my stomach and I just want to protect my daughters from it all.

The way i see it is that many things in life present a remote risk of something awful happening, but to avoid such things altogether is a life unlived. You need to assess each situation on it's merit.

My parents were quite fearful and overprotective, and despite me living in the same area as I grew up I have no friends from my school years because I wasn't allowed to go out with them. My parents were worried about paedophiles, alcohol, drugs, teen sex etc. and in the end I stopped asking.

Obviously 4 is far too young. You do sound extremely anxious though. I have very happy memories of sleepovers when I was mid primary age. My girls had them occasionally with families we got to know well and when they were 6 plus.

We don’t do sleepovers till secondary school aged.
I was a victim of child sex abuse at the age of 6 by a teen boy. Sleepovers are not necessary, keeping my young children safe is. I don’t go round denouncing it though, it’s simply my family rules.

My children have never slept over at other people’s houses, not even family

My dc started having sleepovers at about age 8 and only then with parents we knew well since Reception and where she had been multiple times to play

Op mine are 13 (dd) and 11(ds) and have only gone to one sleepover each!
Why? because l know an ex police officer who specialised with DV and child abuse situations and what she told me was so shocking.....abuse often happens in the homes of friends and family, and often does not come to light for years, and years.....then the damage is done.
She never let her Dcs go on a sleepover until they were old enought to walk away and get themselved into a cab.

My Ds has had a Birthday sleepover at a friends, as his mum is a family court barrister and there were no other people there.
My DD slept over at one of my oldest friends house, but my friend her young Dcs and my dcs were the only ones there.

It seem utterly ludicrous take that risk, why would you?

No sleepovers until high school for mine.

I do wonder about the 'we know the family well' stance. I knew my own family well, turns out one of them was a child abuser. I knew that person better than I know any of the parents of my DC's friends.

You never truly know anyone. The fact that people think they know these families is what ultimately puts children at risk. 'Oh Bob And Jean from down the road?, lovely couple, known them for years'. Bob end up being taken to court for viewing abusive images

Sleepovers are not necessary, keeping my young children safe is.

This sums it up for me