To not allow DD to attend sleepovers?

[DizzyPhillips]

I have name changed for this.

DD1 is 4 and starting school this year. I am wondering how necessary it is that I let her attend sleepovers. Probably a while before I have this actual scenario I know (I was 6 or 7 when I had my first one). However, I have just been chatting with DH about this (conversation stemming from chat about “that” MJ documentary) and I’m just interested in points of view (DH thinks I’m probably being unreasonable although “sees where I’m coming from”).

I worry mainly about the possibility of abuse. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely understand that there is not a paedo on every corner etc etc and not every man is a paedo etc etc and this is generally not something I tend to spend much energy worrying about. I suppose I worry that we might be unlucky. I know how small the risk is but I guess it seems like a hell of a gamble.

I mean I vaguely know some of the parents of girls who will likely be in DDs class at school and they all seem perfectly nice. But 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s not like you’d know, is it?

I used to go to sleepovers when I was young and nothing untoward ever happened so I accept I am probably being ridiculous. I also worry about her not being looked after properly and getting hurt or trying to get home etc but I think this is me just being silly.

I definitely sound ridiculous don’t I i don’t want to be that parent. I just hate the idea of it. But accept I may just need to be ok with it.

I have found that my anxiety has been quite bad since having children, although I’m getting better at hiding it. It’s just that it all seems so depressingly common these days. I feel like every day there is another story about something bad happening to a child.

I understand your concerns. I know 3 families whose children do not do sleepovers. The knock on effect has been children who have opted out of school residential and guide / scout camps.

For my DC these experiences have been extremely positive in terms of building resilience and independence. Of course everyone should parent as they see fit, but for me it's all part of raising balanced child ready for the outside world. Sensible precautions should be taken of course.

Two children from the families mentioned above have extreme anxiety issues. Both turned down university places as their anxiety is triggered by unfamiliar set ups. Of course these things are multi factorial but I do feel that they two are related.

Ds didn't have sleepovers until he was 8-9 and even then it was initially only with friends whose parents I and he knew fairly well. 6-7 is very young, it's okay to wait until you are both ready.

I agree 4 might be a little young for sleepovers ( my DD was 6/7 although stayed regularly with cousins before that). But to be worried primarily about abuse is very odd indeed and actually hugely insulting to her friends' parents.

Mine did not do sleepovers until they were about 10 except to their grandparents.
It was not up for discussion, we weren’t considered odd or weird, they had plenty of friends and now as young adults are well travelled and independent.
Not going on sleepovers at 4, 5 or 9 years old has not been detrimental to them.

I think once you get to the time sleepovers start (my son didn't have his first till he was 8) you will have had much more opportunity to get to know the parents. I'm sure it will be fine, but imposing a blanket ban on them will only make your daughter sad because sleepovers are a big thing.

I hated sleepovers and remember not getting any sleep, people playing hilarious pranks on each other if they did go to sleep, bitchy other children picking on each other and just wanting to go home.

I was never abused by anyone, but I did end up in tears at a few sleepovers!

I wouldn’t send my young child to a sleepover at some random school parents’ house. If it was really close family friends then maybe, but probably not in term time, as they end up so tired if they don’t go to sleep.

So no, yanbu. I don’t think many 4yos go on that many sleepovers tbh.

My ds and his friends have been having/going to sleepovers since they were 5! They absolutely love it.

OP, my own DD isn’t ready for sleepovers at 6, some of her friends are. They are all different.

That said I would try not to worry about it yet - at pre-reception age it isn’t really relevant.

When she and you are ready you’ll know!

“I decided if she wanted sleepovers we'd host so she was happy with that. ”

This always makes me laugh. You don’t trust any other parents but expect them to trust you!

Dd1 had her first sleepover at 5, with friends we'd known since anti natal classes. She then had fairly regular sleepovers with good friends all the way through primary school, sometimes at our house, sometimes at theirs. It was great! But I knew all the parents really well and was confident she would be well looked after, which she was. I was less happy sending her on sleepovers at secondary, because I didn't know those parents. But I let her go and she had a great time then as well, it just wasn't a problem.

Dd2 has done similar. Also with parents I know well. Also with no problems.

This will make me nervous when we get to that age but I'll more than likely allow it. I don't think it's right to live your life in fear. All you can do is make sure you feel comfortable with the family, talk a lot to your children about boundaries and appropriate behaviour and be ready to go and collect them if they want out for whatever reason.

I recently watched the Maddie documentary and the episode where they talk about Rui Pedro and the Wonderland porn ring has really been haunting me so I get being afraid. You need to find ways to cope with it and not put your issues on your child.

She's a bit on the young side to be worrying about this yet. I don't think sleepovers started among my dc's friends until about 8/9ish. You will know her friends and their parents pretty well by then anyway.

10. I have 3 daughters ranging from 23 to 11 and have always let them have freedom to play out as kids, walk to school, walk to town and so on. Never saw the need for small children to sleep out. They went to brownie camp and stayed with my parents. I also found that if it was a blanket no you didn't have to make an assessment with each one. V handy when 1 Daughter had a friend whose dad was end stage alcoholic. Just a " xx doesn't go to sleepovers" was enough.

Absolutely. I completely understand that my anxieties are my issue and I really don’t want those anxieties to hold my children back.

You know your DD best, and you will both be able to decide when she gets older. Neither of my DCs were all that bothered about sleepovers, and when they were 5/6/7 they slept over with friends whose parents we were also close with, so I had some peace of mind. 4 is young...I definitely wouldn't have done sleepovers with anyone but relatives at that age.

Op I know how you feel.

I was sexually assaulted at a friend's sleepover , I was 14.

Luckily I loved across the road so ran home before he could rape me.

It was bloody scary and I had to go to court etc.

My dd is 10, and I only let her sleep at my mams and other grandparents.

Isn't your child way too young for this to be an issue? Or are things much different these days? None of my school friends started having sleepovers until at least age 10 or 11, so year 5/6 of primary school. My parents wouldn't let me attend sleepovers other than at the houses of friends I had that were from the same cultural/ religious background as me until I was about 16 which I always thought was pretty ridiculous. In fairness to them this was mostly because these were the parents they knew the best so trusted. They were likewise terrified about abuse and also about the dangers of alcohol and they felt they could only trust those parents with the same cultural/religious background as mine not to involve alcohol in the sleepovers. I was always really angry and upset about this as a tween/teen and we used to fight about it all the time.

Also about school residential trips - my primary school did them every year from year 3, I was never allowed to go until year 6 when initially I wasn't allowed to go there either and every year I was absolutely devestated to be one of very few children not allowed to go, and again used to fight with my parents about it all the time. In year 6 my teacher spoke to my parents and basically persuaded DM to let me go, who tried persuade DF who basically said "fine, she can go if you want, but if anything happens to her I'm going to hold you responsible" which I think is an awful thing to say but DM insisted I could go anyway. And then from the year 6 one obviously all was fine and I went on plenty of others as I got older. Not sure what their concerns were re: school residentials tbh.

Sleepovers are not necessary, keeping my young children safe

Substitute the word “swimming” for “sleepovers.” What about “Riding in a car”? Your child is way more likely to die doing either of those things than sleeping over at a mate’s house.

I’m not saying everyone should let their kids do sleepovers. I am saying that nothing is black and white. Like everything in parenting, you decide what is best for your child based on the situation. I think it is silly to place a blanket ban on sleepovers when your child is four years old based on all of this anecdotal stuff about someone’s best friend’s sister’s husband’s uni mate who is a police officer and definitely knows everything blah blah blah. The fact is you have no idea how you will feel when your child is eight, or ten, or twelve. If you focus only on the fact that abusers can lurk where you don’t expect it you forget that there are people you can trust. Perhaps you’ll never feel comfortable letting your primary or pre-teen or even teenage child sleep away from home, and that’s your right. Trust your gut. But leave yourself room to reconsider when you see how things actually are at the time.

I have to say that some of my best memories are of sleeping over with my mates. Not when we were four, or even six, more like 12 and up, and our families all knew and still know each other. Nobody’s brother or neighbor stuck a camera in the shower. We did each other’s hair, made brownies, talked about boys, families, hopes, dreams, etc, and all of that weird stuff about being a pre-teen. I had amazing parents but I was still shy about discussing certain things with them, and even with my friends normally, but at midnight in sleeping bags it all came out. Those two girls are my very best friends to this day and we have supported each other through everything.

@TaxiGood the quote you’ve highlighted isn’t from the OP. The OP never said she’d putting a blanket ban on sleepovers, it’s a discussion.
The text you highlighted is from a parent of an older child and reshared by me, also the parent of an older child.

That’s great that some of your best memories are of sleepovers but there are people on this thread who have said they were sexually abused at sleepovers.

@YogaWannabe I know the OP didn’t write that. I can see how my post could be misunderstood in that respect but that has no bearing on what I said. I too have older children, to the extent that is relevant.

I don't let my kids do sleepovers.

They will go on school camps where they go away.

I don't feel as though they are deprived.

I was shown porn when I was 12 at a sleepover and I didn't realise I was going to be shown porn. I thought it was going to be a family movie. I never told my parents.

My children were dropped off to a party and only much later they let me know they ended up at a different house being shown violent video games before they wandered back with the birthday boy to his own party at his own house. The parents never told me they changed houses during a party. I don't actually think they were bothered.

I don't think they are deprived by missing out on sleepovers.

I don't think the parents who held he party where bothered by my then 4 year old was allowed to wander to another house. They told me it was a drop and leave party.

My children were bothered.

When I was shown the porn (violent stuff too) I felt very much abused and vulnerable, there were a few older male teenagers and I actually thought shit is that what is going to happen to me. I actually froze and thankfully my father was picking me up that night.

Parents were trusted by me and my family.

You don't have to let your kids do sleepovers, ever. Or playdates, or go to parties, or walk to school unaccompanied, or go to the cinema or park w friends. You can keep them in view til they're 16+. And you can still not guarentee they'll be safe, only lonely.

@BarbarianMum

Well, yes, but there is a middle ground, like no sleepovers till whatever age or no sleepovers with parents you don’t know, or no to sleepovers at all, but yes to everything else you listed. It’s not all or nothing is it?