What happens now... 4 weeks after going nuclear on MIL

[ahhaohhoatrackinthenooooooo]

12 years of comments and shit all came to a head when she yet again crossed another boundary. A big one imo and one that she's been asked many times to please not do.

I usually message her every other day or so with updates on the dc etc. But we've not spoken in over 4 weeks now and I don't know how to feel about it.

I mean, it's been bliss in all honesty but can it stay like this forever? She really crossed the line for me and I fear that if I start contacting her again, she'll think everything's fine again and start being her usual overbearing and controlling self.

She apologised to DH and said that she'll "be more careful what she says around me". Not "I won't ever do anything of the sort again". I don't feel like she'll ever get it.

DH has never fallen out with his parents before and has admitted it is awkward and new for him, which I totally understand. I'm going to have to see her soon but I don't know how to act or what to say. She's not the easiest to approach and be honest with either!

I don't want to go nc and I really want her to be close to our dc. She's not evil, just overbearing and stupid in all honesty. But her behaviour can be infuriating.

The thread is 100% pointless without the information on what actually happened.

Depends on what she did.We need more information

Let sleeping dogs lie. She has apologised to DH but not you? She will not change in herself you need to leave it a bit longer and if she apologises to YOU set clear boundaries, polite at social events, otherwise it will all start up again.

Yes, you need to tell us what she did, and some background would be good!

Have to agree, what did she do and why hasn't she apologised to you?

Just let your DH be responsible for seeing her & the relationship between the grandchildren. If you have to see her, just be polite, in a formal sort of way & detach emotionally.

This is completely dependent on what she did

However.

In order to put boundaries in place they have to be your own boundaries, if you're in a position where you no longer want to have a relationship with her then you need to be clear on what is acceptable and what isn't

Equally, if you are happy for her to be in your life. Those boundaries need to be clear, firm and she needs to know what they are.

so what actually happened ?

Hold your position. The ball is in her court. Ignore any comments that come through other people. She’s a grown up, so are you. If there are no particular family events on the horizon (or maybe even if there are!) just let time pass. She’ll be making her calculations about her chances of getting what she wants without needing to acknowledge or apologise. Let her feel what it’s like to not have the warm attachment of family, and your service of including her in everything.

Be civil, cool and patient. No dramas. Just tactical withdrawal, and enjoy the peace. Don’t look too far ahead, let her do that. When she makes her (no doubt insufficient) next move towards you, remind her gently of your boundary again. Make it clear you won’t be embarking on some drama-silence-pretend nothing happened cycle with her. This may feel like an awkward time, but actually I think it’s a positive opportunity for you to see through the change you want. Good luck!

AIBU to contact MIL because she did something but I won’t tell you what that is?

The thread is pointless without knowing what she did.

So she said something you don't like and is stupid? Doesn't seem a reason to go NC but as PP have said, hard to tell without knowing what.

🤷🏽‍♀️

Let dh contact her. I rarely contact Mil, usually only talk if we physically see each other and it's lovely. Unless you want a relationship with her personally, don't worry about it. If she wants to talk to you, presumably she has your contact details, so carry on as you are.

Four weeks of no apology from her? It’s not coming. She will claim that she had apologised, but she hasn’t. Don’t back down. When you are forced to see her, make sure she is told that she hasn’t apologised to YOU, and that until you get one, the line in the sand is still very clearly drawn. (She will play dumb and innocent... probably hurt, too. She can suck it up.)

I don’t think more info is needed unless you need to make your own value judgement on the behaviour to decide unreasonableness.

Whatever she did, it transgressed a boundary that OP has and that has been mentioned to her before. Might be swearing, might be calling DC different names, might be calling herself mum, might be wearing yellow! I have boundaries that I won’t allow people to cross, they’ll be different from other people’s. I’ll still go low or no contact if they’re crossed, they’re my boundaries to decide.

What happens now - depends if you want a relationship with her or not. It’s not compulsory, your DH can maintain channels of communication, access to DC etc. If you do want a relationship, I’d suggest contacting her and asking to go for a coffee. Spell out over coffee your expectations - including an apology. Get her to spell out hers too. If you can agree to respect each other then fine. If not then you need to go minimal contact.

So, what actually happened? Half a story is no story!

The thread isn't pointless without more info.

It's just less drama and entertainment for some posters!

Op it doesnt matter what happened. If you are happy with thungs as they are, continue this way. Don't be rude. Be civil. Dont text her. She has a son who can update her and meet her.

When you see her just treat her like an acquaintance. Don't give her the chance to overstep boundaries.

I understand what you're getting at. Instead of apologising she's turned it back to you by saying "I'll be more careful what I say around her"
It's like those sorry not sorry non apologies. Only you can decide if this line is one too far.
She isn't going to apologise now, so really, as you can't change her behaviour all you can do is deal with yourself and how you can carry on a relationship with her. Either you front up and tell her exactly what made you so unhappy or you suck it up and go along with the let's just pretend it never happened scenario.

Sorry I don't understand.....it's all "yeah but, no but......" ????

Leave it. She's not in touch with you, you hate her. It's a win.

She is the mother of your husband. Nobody is perfect. Are you?

Depends what she did. And has dp fallen out with her or just you? Because it’s fine for you not to see her and for him to see her with the children, unless you genuinely think she is a risk to them. And if she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong, she doesn’t have to apologize.

The thread isn't pointless without more info.

Yes it is, because for every post where people are sensible and make sense, you get someone with the ‘my PIL gave my child a milky bar and we don’t allow any Nestle products. AIBU to never see them again?’

Mammajay
She is the mother of your husband.

By what right does that give the woman to cross boundaries and treat others poorly?

Its this sort of thinking that allows wankers, dickheads and fuckwits to get away with so much.