What happens now... 4 weeks after going nuclear on MIL

[ahhaohhoatrackinthenooooooo]

12 years of comments and shit all came to a head when she yet again crossed another boundary. A big one imo and one that she's been asked many times to please not do.

I usually message her every other day or so with updates on the dc etc. But we've not spoken in over 4 weeks now and I don't know how to feel about it.

I mean, it's been bliss in all honesty but can it stay like this forever? She really crossed the line for me and I fear that if I start contacting her again, she'll think everything's fine again and start being her usual overbearing and controlling self.

She apologised to DH and said that she'll "be more careful what she says around me". Not "I won't ever do anything of the sort again". I don't feel like she'll ever get it.

DH has never fallen out with his parents before and has admitted it is awkward and new for him, which I totally understand. I'm going to have to see her soon but I don't know how to act or what to say. She's not the easiest to approach and be honest with either!

I don't want to go nc and I really want her to be close to our dc. She's not evil, just overbearing and stupid in all honesty. But her behaviour can be infuriating.

So nobody else in the house is allowed peanut butter?

Nosy?

No it isn't pointless hmm you're just nosey and want to know more

Of course it's pointless because without what it is it is impossible to say who is at fault.

See- if it was peanut butter I’d say get over yourself.(this being Mumsnet where nothing can be taken as read I’ll add in the absence of allergy/sensitivity) If it was refusing to use a car seat I would say I agree- never let her near the child again.

What do you want op. Start from there. If you want a relationship on different terms, tell her. Get adult on her. "I was annoyed about such and such, but I'd like a working friendly relationship for all our sakes. It does however mean you can't snoop in my drawers ever again or swear at me (or whatever thing or is she does). Is that ok with you?"

Shes not just your MIL, shes your kids grandmother. Sometimes its worth sucking it up to allow for that relationship. I lost my brother when I was young and so do tend to have a 'if they died tomorrow, how would I feel/would I have regrets'. Even if not for the relationship you have, but the ones the kids do. I know it's a bit drastic, but you never know what's around the corner and its fucking horrendous having regrets you can't put right

I can’t take this thread seriously. New poster apparently with lots to say but very little in the way of what MIL has actually done.
How the fuck are we supposed to know if you should remain NC when you haven’t told us what’s gone on?

You are an adult, and you don't have to have a relationship with another adult if you don't wish to. You don't need a reason, silly or otherwise.

It's your DH's mother - let him get on with it and communicate with her and facilitate any relationship/contact with the DC's.

Just keep in the distance and be civil if you have to see her face to face,

Don't feel guilty about not providing updates. Your DH is every bit as capable as you are of doing this. It doesn't have to be your job just because you're a woman.

Work on the Fear Obligation and Guilt. It was nice that you communicated so much previously but it wasn't appreciated so don't feel bad about not doing so..

I get the sense from your OP that not having to communicate with her reduces your stress so make your life good and keep it that way.

You need to decide what you want, bearing in mind that you may not be able change her behaviour, and work towards that eg she can see her GCs every fortnight but only at her house and your DH will take and collect them. In person at family events avoid her or be cool, calm and polite and don't engage in longer conversations.

Life's too short... Is it making your husband miserable? Has your MIL stopped what offended you? I'm sure she thinks you've done something mean as well, even if you were justified. I've been in your shoes and honestly it's better to just move on and make peace. Try to be a friend to your MIL. You will feel calmer and so will your whole home. Cutting contact will only make you more stressed and will make you feel like you need to keep justifying why. Just move on because it'll make your whole family feel better.

What happened is important. There might be a solution to the problem that OP has not thought of. She says that her h is embarrassed about the fall out but his opinion on it is important too.

Im going to assume it's quite serious and not child safety related. Personally I'd have my h in charge of the grandchild-grandparent relationship (he takes them to her and he takes them to family events solo) The text updates is batshit. Your h should manage that aspect of it's necessary.

Oh joy! One of those irritating threads where not only has the OP been really vague, they've also done a disappearing act after their initial post.

Really - why bother?

@ahhaohhoatrackinthenooooooo

So you didn't actually want advice then?