What happens now... 4 weeks after going nuclear on MIL

[ahhaohhoatrackinthenooooooo]

12 years of comments and shit all came to a head when she yet again crossed another boundary. A big one imo and one that she's been asked many times to please not do.

I usually message her every other day or so with updates on the dc etc. But we've not spoken in over 4 weeks now and I don't know how to feel about it.

I mean, it's been bliss in all honesty but can it stay like this forever? She really crossed the line for me and I fear that if I start contacting her again, she'll think everything's fine again and start being her usual overbearing and controlling self.

She apologised to DH and said that she'll "be more careful what she says around me". Not "I won't ever do anything of the sort again". I don't feel like she'll ever get it.

DH has never fallen out with his parents before and has admitted it is awkward and new for him, which I totally understand. I'm going to have to see her soon but I don't know how to act or what to say. She's not the easiest to approach and be honest with either!

I don't want to go nc and I really want her to be close to our dc. She's not evil, just overbearing and stupid in all honesty. But her behaviour can be infuriating.

Leave it to dh to manage his parents.
The apology is pretty meaningless if it came through dh, if it was important to her I am guessing she would have contacted you directly.

I would leave it. Enjoy the peace. She knows where you are.

OP I have a very tricky relationship with my MIL. She and DH don't really get on either but he wants to maintain a relationship with her and that's his choice. I tolerate her now, but I had got myself into a situation where she was using me as a go-between. She couldn't have a civil conversation with DH so she'd ring when she knew he was out, email me and ask to come and visit (she lives a few hours away so she comes for a few days). I eventually got sick of this and have really pulled back from her. I didn't make a big announcement, I told DH that I would be directing MIL to him in future if she wants to arrange visits etc and I reduced contact (phone calls, emails, sending photos of the kids). It's much easier now, because our contact is reduced she doesn't annoy me anything like as much as she used to! I think you are right to take a step back. Good luck x

If you are happy then do nothing. Let your DH worry about it.

Do nothing. Enjoy your life without her. she didn't apologise to you and she didn't apologise at all. Saying "I am sorry you are upset" is not an apology!
You have four weeks down. This is an excellent start. Have nothing to do with her OP, if you blink now she will have the upper hand forever. DH can manage the situation and if he finds it awkward HE needs to explain to her/call her out on her poor behaviour and have your back. You are four weeks along and nothing material has changed. The DC can have a relationship with them and in the long term it will all settle down as 'just the way it is'.
My DMum was low grade abused by DDad's parents. She had had a child out of wedlock and it was really frowned upon back then (40's50's) She had as little contact as she could and it all still worked.
Many years later she found out due to a throw away comment by another family member that they 'had to' get married and she gave them the bloody tongue lashing of their lives!

........

I have this exact same situation with my mother not MIL. She constantly crossed the line and didn’t give a shit how much she upset me. It came to a head and we didn’t speak for a year. She never apologised. We have to see each other as family social stuff and I am civil but don’t engage her in conversion. I am pleasant when she talks to me as I don’t want to make anyone else there uncomfortable. After a few of these occasions she obviously thought all was well so she started going back to her old ways, getting in touch and trying to make me do her bidding so I’ve gone NC again. Some people never learn.

For context, a couple of examples of her behaviour are telling me not to have my son (when I told her I was 3 months pregnant). There’s no secret reason, I’m not unwell where a pregnancy would cause me harm, I’m happily married, both DH and I have good jobs. She’s just a nasty woman. When my DH and I looked at her in horror she threatened to “cut me off” which was even weirder as she doesn’t support me in any way shape or form!

It's weird that you haven't told us what MIL did, given that the rest of your OP implies that you might like a bit of drama.

The thread is pointless without knowing what she did.

No it isn't pointless you're just nosey and want to know more

Well it is quite difficult in the real world to know who’s right and who’s wrong without more details. Only on Mumsnet are mils automatically guilty and dils automatically innocent!

OP if she is continually crossing your boundaries and you feel like she will carry on if you make the firstt move, then don't do anything. If she comes to you and apologises then I'd move forward and rebuild the relationship but otherwise I'd just let your husband deal with her. I wouldn't inhibit her relationship with her grandchildren but I would expect husband to facilitate her relationship with DC.

I don't think mils are automatically wrong, but sometimes people don't get along and that's fine.
I just don't think it's fair that 2 women are supposed to get along and facilitate relationships when the husband/son should be the one doing this.

Yes it is, because for every post where people are sensible and make sense, you get someone with the ‘my PIL gave my child a milky bar and we don’t allow any Nestle products. AIBU to never see them again?’

No it's not. Regardless the reason, it's the OP's limit. The MIL knew, and ignored it. So if it's simple as Milky Bar and Nestle issues or vegetarian and meat issue, the MIL knows the OP doesn't want it and it is impportant to the OP. That should be respected.

At least admit the need to know is simply because you're all nosy and want to judge the OP's limits.

“, the MIL knows the OP doesn't want it and it is impportant to the OP. That should be respected.”
So. Mil automatically wrong. Dil automatically right. This is the only relationship where anyone would think this is OK.

More pertinent than what she did, IMO, is how your DH fits into this. Your relationship with your MIL is secondary to both your relationship to him, and his relationship to his mother. I think we need to know a bit more about your DH's position before we can offer any suggestions.

So. Mil automatically wrong. Dil automatically right. This is the only relationship where anyone would think this is OK.

Bullshit. The other day a woman was upset because her husband's friend slept in her bed. It didn't bother most posters, but most posters said if DH (note, not MIL) knows OP's boundaries, he should not have done it. Even though, they didn't understand her issues, they supported her right to have them. Her home her rules, her kids her rules, her fridge her rules, her car her rules etc etc.

So anyone (again, not MIL) who knows your boundaries and ignores them, they are wrong.

@ahhaohhoatrackinthenooooooo - in relation to this comment in your post - I'm going to have to see her soon, you're really not going to have to see her unless you're going to a wedding/funeral or some other family event. You don't have to see her again if you don't want to. Let your DH do the leg work on this.
If she hasn't actually apologized to you up to this point about whatever it was that caused this breakdown in communications, it's very unlikely that your going to at this point. Not out of the realms of possibility but unlikely. You also mention in your post "I really want her to be close to our dc" - if the thing that caused the breakdown in communication was so bad, are you sure you want your DC to be around a person that is that "overbearing and stupid" (and I think this is why some of the other posters are asking what it was that caused this as it doesn't sound like it was something straightforward like "We don't give our children chocolate so please don't" more like "Please don't forget to strap the children into their car seats before you set out on a journey" and then she didn't. One has safety consequences and is very serious, the other more frivolous and a personal choice that the grandparent may have overstepped).

Hope you're able to sort this out and move past it, however that may happen.

“Her home her rules, her kids her rules, her fridge her rules, her car her rules etc etc. ”

Ah. Well, I think houses, kids and fridges tend to be shared things and I don’t think anyone’s rules automatically take precedence.

Ah. Well, I think houses, kids and fridges tend to be shared things and I don’t think anyone’s rules automatically take precedence.

Unless MIL lives with them, she doesn't get a say. Simples.

“Unless MIL lives with them, she doesn't get a say. Simples.”

Your post was referring to a shock......

Shock?? DH!

if it's safely related manage interactions - so she's not in a position to put children in harms ways.

If it's information or sharing your information- stop the flow as much a possible.

If it's nasty comments - calmly call her out every time or put her on the spot.

Otherwise be polite, distant and let your DH do more in maintaining the relationship. If you have to go to an event together focus on the children but still be polite.

And I am automatically wary of “My X. My rules” Because a) anybody can be wrong and b) flexibility is a good thing.

What sort of stuff has she been doing OP?

I’d use this as an excuse to step back from her. Texting every other day is batshit anyway, so this is a good opportunity to carry on not doing it.

If you have to see her, such as family gatherings then you can be polite but distant. You want her to be less involved in the dc, then this again is a good opportunity to back off. See it as a blessing

And I am automatically wary of “My X. My rules” Because a) anybody can be wrong and b) flexibility is a good thing.

I have an irrational hatred for Peanut butter, I don't like it, I want nothing to do with it, please do not bring it to my house ever. If you continue to bring peanut butter to my hosue that is a disrespect to my boundaries. Don't ask me to be flexible whilst disrespecting me. No matter how irrational my hatred for peanut butter (which by the way is the best thing since cheese), you would still be wrong because you know that about my boundary.

Now I know it's an oversimplified example, but there is no need to know it's peanut butter, you just need to know that I have boundaries that I have commuinicated and they have been ignored. The OP is just looking for advice for what her next steps should be. Somepeople have atually tried to help, other are just nosy