What happens now... 4 weeks after going nuclear on MIL

[ahhaohhoatrackinthenooooooo]

12 years of comments and shit all came to a head when she yet again crossed another boundary. A big one imo and one that she's been asked many times to please not do.

I usually message her every other day or so with updates on the dc etc. But we've not spoken in over 4 weeks now and I don't know how to feel about it.

I mean, it's been bliss in all honesty but can it stay like this forever? She really crossed the line for me and I fear that if I start contacting her again, she'll think everything's fine again and start being her usual overbearing and controlling self.

She apologised to DH and said that she'll "be more careful what she says around me". Not "I won't ever do anything of the sort again". I don't feel like she'll ever get it.

DH has never fallen out with his parents before and has admitted it is awkward and new for him, which I totally understand. I'm going to have to see her soon but I don't know how to act or what to say. She's not the easiest to approach and be honest with either!

I don't want to go nc and I really want her to be close to our dc. She's not evil, just overbearing and stupid in all honesty. But her behaviour can be infuriating.

“By what right does that give the woman to cross boundaries and treat others poorly?“
Absolutely no right at all. But we don t know whether it’s sow thing where the OP alone never speaks to her again, or whether the whole family does. Couples are not a sort of hive mind!

I agree with the others, this thread is pointless without info.

I've seen some ridiculous reasons why people want to cut the MIL off and on the other hand I've seen plenty where I do think that NC was right.

It's all about what she did. You may be right or you may be being OTT

You say that you have to see her soon - in what context? Can you just keep politely distant, or will you be expected to sit nest to each other and chat? Does your DH feel like once you've met up again it will have al blow over and life can settle back to an uneasy truce, with her slightly better behaved and you slightly more reserved?

Basically - what do you want to happen now?

You don’t have to see her at all ever if you don’t want to. Just don’t emotionally blackmail your dp about it. Let him make his own decisions.

Is it affecting DH's relationship with her?

My DH and my mum fell out over something imo really fucking stupid, that was 2 years ago, neither of them will talk to the other first. It really upsets me because it spoils birthdays, Christmas etc and its stopped mum and I being as close, its stopped her being as close to my DC as she was.

If it is affecting their relationship i think you need to work out whether what she did and your feelings towards MIL are more important than your DH's feelings, I'm not saying let her get away with it, just you might have to make the first move to fix it. If their relationship is the same as normal then YANBU, leave her to it.

One person’s ridiculous is another person’s deal breaker. I don’t judge others for smoking or using pornography but I wouldn’t want to date them. They might find someone who is fine with those behaviours but won’t date someone who drinks wine (which I do).

The only reason for needing more info is to put your own value judgement on OP’s boundaries. Just because whatever behaviour wouldn’t bother you doesn’t mean it shouldn’t bother her.

It really depends on what she did tbh

I agree. I don’t like my mil much for reasons that aren’t particularly important to my dp or my children- she is a fantastic mum and grandma to them. So they see much more of her than I do. Which suits us all.

Kind of a pointless thread so far.

Love a good MIL thread...I recently posted about mine. I changed the locks after a showdown in my own home. MIL had been letting herself in and things had been going missing. She is still upset that I don't trust her with a key anymore.

MIL is from west Africa so DH is a black man...I'm white (the pail, fair...burn if I look at the sun kind) and MIL constantly talks about how light skinned our DDs are. She does it in front of them and it really irritates me. DH has asked her to stop as it is not important but I'm literally going to blow my top if she says it again. I'm not sure if she is trying to insinuate something about their paternity...oooh finish I could punch her.

Absolutely depends what she did / said. More information needed.

If she hasn't apologised to you, then I'd continue as you are.

Why hasn't your DH said she should apologise to you? I presume it's you she offended. Or was he meant to pass the apology on to you.

Your DH can facilitate a relationship between her and the DC. You tried. You kept her updated and she still did what she did.

OP's gone, so yes, it was a pointless thread.

Meh. I don't understand people who demand apologies - what good does it do you when the person who did the bad thing isn't sorry and thinks you're a twat anyway?
I'll apologise if I think I've done something wrong, but not because someone is stamping their feet and yowling.

HicDraconis I love what you've written in your posts on this thread. I think the OP should do what you suggest. Actually, I think I want to live my life doing what you tell me to do!

Reanimated I think apologies ARE important, actually. I think it's what allows us to move on. Even if the apology isn't particularly sincere. It's like pleases and thank yous. I don't know why they matter, but I do know they do. And I really fucking notice if they're not there!

it was probably much of nothing on op's part and that's why she's not come back, because mn will tell her how daft it was. drama for dramas sake.

Well that was short

Why do you text updates on the children to his mum anyway?

My husband does the communication with his parents and I do mine. We have the established relationship with them respectively so it makes sense.
If I have a particularly nice photo of our baby I’ll send it to MIL but other than that very little contact. His parents live overseas so little physical interaction either.

It all entirely depends on what she did.

WHAT DID SHE DOOOOOOO??

I really don't think a bunch of strangers on mumsnet can sort this out for you, all they want is to drool over details of your family row. (More details are not necessary btw).

When my MIL overstepped the mark and finally set odd a big row, my DH was behind me all the way. He rang his father and read the riot act. He explained that we weren't going to put up with her crap any more, and she risked much reduced contact with DS (her only GDC) unless she sorted out her attitude.

It was weird, because FIL took the stance that he really had no idea what DH was talking about, and claimed to have been unaware of any tensions or problems at all (for over six months ), but anyway it worked!

We had to get DS to apologise to her (he was 4 and he had been quite cheeky) and face saved, all was Ok after that.

Your DH really needs to broker this, he needs to stand up for you and explain to her how she needs to change her behaviour.

If he can't do that, I don't know what you do, but he cannot just ignore it.

*set off a big row

I fell out with my mil about a year ago and No, I won’t be giving exact details but basically she’s a really lovely woman as long as you agree with her and do what she wants. I decided for the good of my own dc I wouldn’t do a certain thing and she just turned on my ( in front of the dc). Since then I’ve had a series of emails that go from whiny “poor me” to very nasty so now I just pretend she doesn’t exist.
If she texts me I either don’t reply or if it’s a direct question she gets a yes or no. If she asks about seeing the Dc I say she will have to speak to DH about it.

Well, whatever she did you have a golden oportunity to reset your relationship with her.

1. You can permanently stop the ridiculous number of updates, all of tem if yiu want to. Tell DH if he wants to start hen he can

1. Tell DH that you don't accept her "I'll be more careful around Ahha" to be an apology, it just sounds like she'll hide things more carefully and you won't accept that

1. Tell DH that his relationship woth his DM is his to sort out. You won't be getting involved any more and that you will support him whatver he chooses to do - as long as it doesn't harm your kids (I am guessing)

1. Rid yoruself of any thoughts of obligation t owards her. She is your MIL and the pair of you do not have to like each other. You just have to find an accommodation that works for your family.

Good luck.

Why not use this time to think about what you want to happen and how you want your relationship to be?

For example: why are you sending the updates on the DCs and not DH? If you don't like her, why is this your responsibility and not his? Just another bit of wifework? And how many updates exactly does she need?

If she is so overbearing and controlling why is this? Are you and DH telling her loads of info about your lives that as adults she doesn't really need to know. Again, fewer updates, telling her after stuff is done, not giving her an opportunity to think she is being consulted.

Am thinking about a thread yesterday on 'how often do you contact your MIL?' - there were a lot of Mumsnetters saying never, it's DH's job Would this work for you?