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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset with DH

77 replies

Cheeseandapple · 23/03/2019 20:42

I'm so furious! Had tension between us for weeks. When I tried to raise it he said he'd rather not talk about anything and just wait for it to pass. Obviously it hasn't and arguments keep flaring up so things just feel shit at the moment. My first mother's day as a mother next Sunday. I don't usually place too much importance on these days and won't in the future, but it's my first and been a significant year becoming a mum. Was curious as to whether he'd actually organise anything. Told me today that he's got a surprise booked for that day and was feeling really good about him finally putting some effort in. Turns out he hasn't put any bloody effort in. We're joining his friend with their mum for a day out and he's just let them book us on to the activity too. Absolutely no effort, no thought or planning, it's not personal and he's trying to pass it off as his own doing. This is obviously in the context of other crap at the moment. I don't know what to do but I'm so happy.

OP posts:
littletreasure2017 · 23/03/2019 20:54

Do something nice for your self and your lo!! Don't let him ruin it!! Xx

SandyY2K · 23/03/2019 21:06

My opinion differs I'm afraid.

Maybe he knew you'd like the activity and thought the more the merrier.

He probably gave some thought about what to plan and got talking to his friend, who told him what he was doing.

I know it's your first mother's day, but most people have a nice meal in a restaurant or a break from the housework and a cooked meal.

I've not heard of planning activities for mother's day.

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable and run the risk of coming across as ungrateful to your DH/DP.

Shitonthebloodything · 23/03/2019 21:12

I've never had more than a cup of tea and a little token gift for Mother's Day. Don't expect much more until they're old enough to organise it themselves.

Expressedways · 23/03/2019 21:14

But he has organised something. If you’d rather the standard pub set menu and don’t fancy the activity with the friend then you could just say so. And you might also get something from him on the day on behalf of your DC on the day. This seems like a bit of an overreaction to mother’s day arrangements, is it really about the tension that’s being going on for weeks?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/03/2019 21:15

Hi

It wouldn't personally bother me either. I think it's more important what they do the rest of the time. My husband just asked me what he should get me! But I get a lie in most days as he usually gets up with the kids etc and I'd rather it be this way round to be honest than focus on one day (he's like this with special days for himself as well, always late organising anything for his birthday etc so his lack of effort isn't just directed at me). He has actually organised something a in advance for you, maybe his friend told him about it and he thought you'd like it?

I'd be more concerned that there is some sort of issue between you and he is refusing to discuss it. I get some people are uncomfortable with stuff like this - I used to be like that myself, but just leaving it and hoping it resolves itself us not working

PotteringAlong · 23/03/2019 21:16

Really? He’s realised it’s something you would enjoy, with friends and he’s arranged to do it and you’re pissed off? Are you always such hard work?

Barbie222 · 23/03/2019 21:17

Tbh I've never really expected more red carpet rolled out than what you describe, really. I think this is the start of a long process of lowering your expectations around this kind of thing, I'm afraid.

oneforthepain · 23/03/2019 21:18

I'd be more concerned that there is some sort of issue between you and he is refusing to discuss it. I get some people are uncomfortable with stuff like this - I used to be like that myself, but just leaving it and hoping it resolves itself us not working

Yup.

Although in the context of that it does make sense that you would feel so disappointed about this latest issue.

Lovestonap · 23/03/2019 21:20

OK, if its something you will enjoy then go and enjoy it. If not say no thank you. And then sort the rest of your marriage out. Maybe counselling?

justasking111 · 23/03/2019 21:21

Could you be behaving like a hormonal woman with a very young child and he is just keeping his head until it passes. Some men do complain their OH is a moody cow at the moment and mates have advised them to keep quiet until it settles down because it is normal.

Nicknacky · 23/03/2019 21:21

You are pissed off with his lack of effort for a day that is more than a week away? You have no idea what else he has planned, and to be honest it doesn’t need to be a lot.

A card, flowers etc.

SurfingGiantess · 23/03/2019 21:29

On my first mothers day OH took the baby out for a walk so I could have a lie in and came back with a huuuuge balloon Grin
3 kids later and I'll probably get a lie in and breakfast in bed... Maybe a family day out if I fancy it but definitely nothing planned. I love it just like that. Maybe your expectations are a little high. But definitely have an open talk with him

BluebadgenPIP · 23/03/2019 21:29

But he has organised something?

I get card and flowers, might go out to lunch, might not, depends if DD is working. It’s really not a big deal.

JaneEyre07 · 23/03/2019 21:34

My DH did this once on my birthday. Made out he'd arranged a family picnic but turns out we were just joining my mum and stepdad on a day they'd arranged with my aunt and uncle. I was bloody furious.

I completely understand OP. It feels like he's not making any effort, which really he isn't.

Can you say No and arrange something really nice for you and your DC to do instead? Don't let him ruin the day for you.... it's about you being a mother, not him being a wanker Flowers

RedBerryTea · 23/03/2019 21:35

It's only Mother's Day, don't make such a drama of it. Most women settle for a bunch of daffs and a card.

Still18atheart · 23/03/2019 21:38

How well do you know the other people are his friend and his family? Is it little enough to feel like you would be gatecrashing on their day?

Tinkobell · 23/03/2019 21:40

OP I think it's a real shame that you've mentally already written off the Mother's Day treat as a big bag of poo before you've already experienced it.....it might turn out to be a really lovely sociable treat and everyone has a good laugh; I'd quite like the sound of that ...also no cooking or washing up - bonus! 😁
The tension for weeks is way more concerning...maybe you need couples therapy or something? Are you sleep deprived or with PND? Your tone sounds very resentful ...like your simmering away annoyance at life or your DH. You can't carry on like that it's such bad karma. Go and get help...start with the GP maybe?

Coronapop · 23/03/2019 21:41

You are not his mother........

Tinkobell · 23/03/2019 21:42

Has your DH had his first Father's Day?...if so, I'm assuming that you did organise something special for him?

Ohms11 · 23/03/2019 21:42

YABU

Pippa12 · 23/03/2019 21:43

I’d lower your expectations... I got 4 unicorn plates last yearHmm I looked grateful tho... then went we both went to work and my mum enjoyed my children for the day.

GooodMythicalMorning · 23/03/2019 21:45

sounds good to me!

kateandme · 23/03/2019 21:47

is this about the mothers day.if things were better between you would he have done something different and able to think of you more.would you have let it go as something nice.so is all the current tensions making this the straw/camel/back that means to you hes not thinking of you or making you a priority?

Goldmandra · 23/03/2019 21:48

Any expectations for Mother's Day/Mothering Sunday are just setting yourself and everyone else up for disappointment.

Your DH's job on that day is to make whatever gesture is appropriate to his own mother to thank her for what she's done for him.

When your DC is old enough, they will start doing the same for you. You might get a card made at playgroup or squash and biscuits for breakfast in bed. Those are the best gifts because they really mean something to the people who are expressing their gratitude to you.

In the meantime, it's just another Sunday.

SilverySurfer · 23/03/2019 21:49

It's Mother's Day, not Wife's Day.

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