So upset with DH

[Cheeseandapple]

I'm so furious! Had tension between us for weeks. When I tried to raise it he said he'd rather not talk about anything and just wait for it to pass. Obviously it hasn't and arguments keep flaring up so things just feel shit at the moment. My first mother's day as a mother next Sunday. I don't usually place too much importance on these days and won't in the future, but it's my first and been a significant year becoming a mum. Was curious as to whether he'd actually organise anything. Told me today that he's got a surprise booked for that day and was feeling really good about him finally putting some effort in. Turns out he hasn't put any bloody effort in. We're joining his friend with their mum for a day out and he's just let them book us on to the activity too. Absolutely no effort, no thought or planning, it's not personal and he's trying to pass it off as his own doing. This is obviously in the context of other crap at the moment. I don't know what to do but I'm so happy.

I get where you're coming from in terms of effort, OP. But you really don't want to go out for a meal on Mother's day - it's second only to Valentines day for being ripped off for shit food & service, plus every restaurant is rammed with other people's kids and your own kicking off.

Well at least you have someone who has done something for you even if it doesn’t meet your high expectations. I’m a widow and my children will spend the week feeling all arkward because they don’t have anyone to take them to get a card or gift for me even though they know I’m not bothered about days like this. Always look on the bright side - you are getting a lot more than a lot of single/ solo mothers out there will get.

He's organised something. That's good. You sound needy.

The reading comprehension skills on here are dire sometimes. OP said they were joining her DH's friend and the friend's mum, not her DH's mum. Depending on how well she knows/likes them, or even likes the activity involved, it still seems really shit of her DH. It's OP's first Mother's Day, cut her some slack.

In regards to her not being her DH's mum... I once put together a goody bag for a church friend with two young kids whose husband was out in the Middle East for three months. She isn't my mum or even related to me but I wanted to do something nice because she'd been really supportive of me when I was going through a rough time.

I completely get why your upset about it @Cheeseandapple
You'll never get this first Mother's Day again. I have to admit though I'm a sucker for such days and my DH gets a right fuss made of him for any occasion (father's day, valentines, birthday etc) and he knows I enjoy these days too and makes a big effort for me thankfully.
Perhaps it's just that he doesn't know exactly what it is he is supposed to do as I'm assuming it's his first Mother's Day to?

I think we're all missing the point here. The mother's day thing is just the icing on the cake for OP, from what I can see. This wouldn't be an issue if everything else was going ok.

OP, when you say he won't talk about what's bothering him, is he being particularly evasive? Do you feel he's hiding something he's done? Or do you feel he's simply not happy right now and doesn't want to talk about why? Either way I don't think it's really acceptable in a marriage to say that "there's a problem but I'm not telling you what it is". Don't accept this. He needs to talk to you about it, even if it's difficult.

As my ex pointed out extremely bluntly 'Why do you expect me to do something? You're not my mother'.

Maybe it is because you two are not enjoying spending time together at present, he thought it tactful to share the day with others.

You don't sound like needy or like hard work.

You sound like someone who is going through a tough time in your relationship, had an expectation and now feel disappointed.

If things weren't so difficult at the moment you probably wouldn't have minded as much.

It's pretty standard for a husband/partner to put some effort in and make a fuss over their wives on their first mothers day, outside of MN that is.

I wouldn't want to spend mothers day eating with my husband's friend and his mum.

I don't really like the whole thing where the spouse has to sort something nice on mother's / father's day when the kids are too young to make a gesture. It's just another faff, as it's effectively another valentines day, as now I have to sort a card and present for my husband as well as my own dad (the latter I don't mind, as he is, y'know, my father).

I really think that when your kid is a baby if you get a card that acknowledges all your efforts, and nice flowers or chocolates that is a nice gesture and should be enough. When the kid is older, you then get a handmade card, which is lovely to date and keep somewhere.

But it doesn't need to be any more than that!

That said if I was going to do something special I can't think of anything worse than tagging along on someone else's mother's day... I mean does this person's mum even want a load of randoms there?So odd.

You don't sound needy or like hard work. *

Typo.

My daughter is 12. I’ve bought my own as my husband sticks to the ‘you’re not my mother’ script. P

It could be what someone said above, maybe he doesn't want you to have a big talk because you've just had a baby and with the tiredness etc he's waiting for the time the two of you can have a rational conversation.ive been disappointed ahead of occasions too OP, and it's terrible but you can't help it but hope you end up having a lovely day

This is not the lack of effort for your first Mother’s Day - it’s the fact your marriage is currently an unhappy one. The lack of effort of ‘planning’ your first mother’s day is just the one that tipped this over the edge.

Forget the whole planning of Mother’s Day, go out and have lunch or whatever, then see how you both can help repair the marriage.

It doesn't sound as though it's really about MD, but the weeks of tension. Can you get a babysitter and go out (without his friend or his friend's mum!) before MD and have a chilled time in the hope that a frank and helpful discussion might come out of it, to clear the air?

I get that you would rather spend the day as your own little family so do definitely tell him that. It's mothers day and you should do what you like to do. So maybe a lie on and a walk as a family.

Is the marriage generally shit and making you unhappy?

I get what you mean, unfortunately some posters here like to be deliberately obtuse and refuse to take account of the context of the situation!

Tell him that you don’t want to be a tag along on someone else’s plans and tell him what you would like. Then there’s no confusion or burning resentment. Then if that doesn’t work, put the exact same amount of effort into Father’s Day in June!

Ah look, it’s Mumsnet Bingo! Every damn time there’s a ‘gift giving day’ and a woman on here feels under appreciated, always the same old crap

‘Well he’s made a half arsed effort, you should appreciate that!’

‘You’re not his mother. So what if your tiny child can’t do it for themselves, doesn’t mean your husband should (even though we all know women will do it for them on Father’s Day).’

‘Let me tell you what a martyr I am - I’ve never had a card/present from my husband/children for any special event ever, and I’M TOTALLY FINE WITH THAT, so why do you dare be upset OP?’.

This is why the men in our lives are bloody useless at domestic stuff. Excusing poor efforts, undermining any feelings of inequality, telling women to suck it up because we should appreciate any sort of effort, even if it’s subpar. Which just hanging on to someone else’s Mother Day plans absolutely is. He couldn’t come up with one idea for himself? Come on. It’s simply not good enough, and there’s obviously a lot more going on which further exacerbates the whole situation.

I agree DoneLikeAKipper. I think some women set the bar very low, for what they’d like or expect from their husband/partner. It’s rather sad.

@PotteringAlong I've just read as far as your comment. Nowhere in the OP does she says it's something she would enjoy. You've just assumed that/made that bit up completely to suit your bitchfest.

Off to read on ...

Oh god it’s that time of year again

A load of nasty replies sorry op. I can totally see why you're pissed off. DH is being very unreasonable to refuse to talk to you and just let the tension sit there. In the context I can totally see why you're disappointed that he gave the impression he'd made some effort for mothers day but actually hasn't.

Don't worry too much about aibu. Lots of people here are very reactionary they see the word mothers day and think 'that's not important to me so it shouldn't be important to anyone else'. Don't bother reading the rest of the post and just leave a bitchy response.

You sound hard work! I'll get a cuppa in bed and the kids (who are older) will hopefully have got me a nice card etc Dh is free to see his own mum and if I wanted a nice day out etc I'd probably just arrange it myself. Perfect!

Absolutely @DoneLikeAKipper ! Every time I see the "well, I get a broken biscuit thrown at me from the kids and I'm grateful" martyr crap, I just think wtf? How low are their standards and how much crap do they put up with? DH and (now he's older) DS make a lovely fuss of me and show their respect and appreciation for ONE day for what I do ALL the other days and I really don't think that's too much to ask or expect! Especially for a first Mother's Day - he needs to facilitate it obviously as baby can't trot off to the flower shop!
MN is so weird sometimes - all my friends get a lovely day! I do think some folk just like to attack on threads like these to justify the fact they don't get treated well.