So upset with DH

[Cheeseandapple]

I'm so furious! Had tension between us for weeks. When I tried to raise it he said he'd rather not talk about anything and just wait for it to pass. Obviously it hasn't and arguments keep flaring up so things just feel shit at the moment. My first mother's day as a mother next Sunday. I don't usually place too much importance on these days and won't in the future, but it's my first and been a significant year becoming a mum. Was curious as to whether he'd actually organise anything. Told me today that he's got a surprise booked for that day and was feeling really good about him finally putting some effort in. Turns out he hasn't put any bloody effort in. We're joining his friend with their mum for a day out and he's just let them book us on to the activity too. Absolutely no effort, no thought or planning, it's not personal and he's trying to pass it off as his own doing. This is obviously in the context of other crap at the moment. I don't know what to do but I'm so happy.

I was a single parent, her father did nothing and it simply didn't occur to any of my family to even buy a card.

It really stung at the time, but, as my daughter got older and was able to make things at nursery and school, an expensive treat wouldn't have come close to anything she made.

Look forward and try to focus on the great relationship you'll have with your little one.
Try not to let this wobble in your relationship taint your first mother's day.

DH has always bought a card and got kids to sign as they bloomin forget....but I'm grateful of the gesture. Never had a fanfare, 21 gun salute or dinner at The Ivy. A nice hug from the kids and a thanks mum is very sweet and means a lot to me.

Is it because you're going through a crappy time at the moment that it's affecting your feelings?

Seriously lower your expectations for all this commercial rubbish, valentines included, it should be about the whole year not just one day.

There will always be the over the top extravagances that people will plaster on social media the reality for most is very different.

You're hard work.

OK I hear you! I'm not usually fussed about these hallmark days and won't care next year, just need to apply the same thinking to next weekend. Its a family I know but not particularly close to, the mother (who the plan was originally made for) is really annoying. I suppose I'd rather spend the day with DD and DH and if we are spending it with other people I'd like that to be people I like!

There's definitely wider issues at the moment but I shouldn't jumble up the issues or I'll exacerbate the actual problem.

@janeeyre07 that sounds like exactly what's happened. Frustrating.

Tell him what you'd like then.

I'm happy with a lie on(don't get it), a card and a little gift.

What exactly were you expecting OP?

With regards to your argument, I know the feeling of not wanting to discuss, although it's absolutely necessary.

If he feels a discussion will escalate or nothing he says will be acceptable...that's probably why he's conflict avoidant.

The speaker listener technique is useful in both getting heard.

I can see why you're peed off. It's like he's just done something for the sake of doing something rather than actually considered what you'd like. Don't agree with it being a 'break from the house work' btw as per a pp. In my world house work is a shared task.

Have you raised it? I'd suggest doing so calmly and saying it isn't what you had in mind how about x y z? Sometimes men do just find guessing what women want difficult.

@cluedoaddict and other posters commenting in the same vein in what way am I hard work? I haven't said I expected a fanfare. A card/ coffee in bed/time for a walk together. Nothing extravagent. Im annoyed that his friend has said 'we're doing xyz do you want to come' and he's said, yeah & cheeseandapple & passed that off to me like he's organised something for mothers day.

I don't know why you'd bother posting something like that when I clearly said in my op that I'm having a hard time in my marriage at the moment. Not very nice of you.

You're getting a cruel pasting OP. I'm with you - DH might need a hint about how a family day with a bunch of daffs would do it for you more than an outing with someone else's mother.

Pp saying you are not his mother ffs

Shes the mother of his child, he can show a bit of gratitude for that surely..

Crikey. I just expected a card on my first mothers day, geez

' in what way am I hard work?'

A week before Mother's Day you've started a thread on Mumsnet because you don't think the plans that your husband has made for the day are up to scratch. That's quite hard work.

I love the Mother's Day threads. Great entertainment. To have one a week in advance is quite the treat.

My Hubby has never organised anything for me for Mothers Day, says I'm not his mother. Which of course I'm not, but I did assume when our daughter was little he might...

So I just book dinner out or whatever and then I get what I want, and the others tag along quite happily too.

you're being a diva

@expat101 that's a shame. How can he teach your children about it if he doesn't lead by example?

People are different I suppose. Hope you have a nice day regardless xx

In my early days as a Mum we used to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mum and dh’s Mum in an appropriately dull place where MIL’s husband would invariably behave like a sexist idiot.

Then the weekend AFTER we would do Yummy Mummy’s day where we’d go out to an edgier, more modern place where i’d Drink wine and actually get spoiled.

Meant I resented Mother’s Day less (drip feed, both I and DH have 1 sibling each who never in the last 15 years has entertained their moon either Mother’s Day or Christmas Day )

@cryhavoc maybe you've not actually read my op and just too excited about getting a mothers day thread to comment unhelpfully on? I haven't said at any point that the plans he's made are not up to scratch. Not sure where you got that from.

@supersimpkin @melissasummerfield thank you I appreciate that. I think some people are being particular cruel considering I've said the context is that things between us are unhappy at the moment.

Stop being so entitled, god you sound like hard work

@cryhavoc just reread your comment. You've just said you take 'great entertainment' from someone saying their marriage is shit at the moment. 👌

For me, Mother's Day is when children do something for you - a home made card or carrying a beverage to your in bed (whoa!). It doesn't begin until your children are a bit older than babies and toddlers.

It's not like a birthday or anniversary. There doesn't need to be any activity. There certainly doesn't need to be any great fuss and organisation from Dad at this stage.

Despite his refusal, you need to talk about the other things that are going wrong in your relationship - not this.

Who cares if others don’t celebrate it? OP wants to and if it’s important to her, then she has a right to be pissed. Are you sure the friend invited you both along, OP, and it wasn’t a case of your husband inviting both of you along. I don’t imagine the friend’s wife will be impressed at having another couple tagging along with them on HER Mother’s Day treat.

I've sent you a PM op x

I haven't said at any point that the plans he's made are not up to scratch. Not sure where you got that from

But thats literally what your post is about??