...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

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Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

My dh doesn't really have friends. So when I've seen how he is with his female colleagues it's made me cross. He has recently, admitted they have disrespected me and apologised. Ie ignored me when they know I'm his wife. My colleagues would never behave like that.

Alphabet, I agree. When I've read such threads I'm thinking 'I don't think I'd like that, but perhaps I'm being old fashioned etc', and things have changed', yet the thought of it makes me cringe and I feel for the OP, because as you say the majority seem to think it's ok. Some of these so called friendships seem far too cosy, and in reality most people wouldn't put up with it, and it's probably not as common as it seems.

I never really felt the need to seek out men as friends

Well neither have I

My male friends are the same as my female friends - we've met through some mutual activity/work/interest and have become friends. It isn't as though I have a quota that needs to be filled.

It’s not about sleeping with them - it’s just basic respect for their wives / partners and basic boundaries.

If I did have one of these so-called platonic male friends (never have had one, but I accept this happens); as soon as they got a girlfriend I’d be super-aware that the very last thing she would want is me hovering about on the scene. So so would back off and meet up with them as a couple or not at all. If I wanted to maintain contact with him, I’d prioritise getting to know her, not trying to drag him off all the time. Circumstances change and you have to accept that.

YABU. I dont think it does anyone any favours to pander to their insecurities. Either you trust someone loves you and respects you or you dont. And if you dont you need to leave.... not disrespect yourself by obsessing over other women and getting insecure. I dont think thats helpful for anyone life. It's not being 'cool', its having the strength and insight to know if somethings worth worrying about or not. It's not the other women who are the problem... it's your man. If you cant trust him then leave him. If you can trust him stop being uptight about female friendships. It's not going to do anyone relationships any favours.
You cannot prevent someone from cheating and force 5hem to respect you by forcing them to avoid interacting with other women.... that's just avoiding the issue. Either hes trustworthy and he loves you... or hes not and he doesnt.
I actually think it's far more misogynistic to always focus on the women in the situation rather than the behaviour of the men.

Dragging him off all the time?

We were talking about emergencies . That's hardly dragging him off is it .

Meeting up once in a while is hardly dragging them off either.

If you dont trust yourself its probably for the best but honestly you are starting to sound strange now.

I’d prioritise getting to know her, not trying to drag him off all the time

Honestly, I think you have a really warped view of male/female friendships from the language you use.

I do trust myself. It’s just a basic code of behaviour, as far as I’m concerned.

Code of behaviour?

You have a wife now. Fuck off?

No code of behaviour I follow that's for sure.

I am reminded of one acquaintance of mine who freaked out when she discovered her DH was going to be the sole passenger in a car driven by a filthy unclean woman on the way to a hobby event as the third person in the car had dropped out.

Upon her DH saying that they were meeting in a public place, driving down the motorway and then going to a big group activity she came up with the priceless line 'but what if there is a blizzard and the car breaks down and you have to huddle together for warmth'.

That particular incident kind of became legend in our social circles as being so thoroughly bizarre, but reading this post makes me realize that in some spaces she'd apparently be quite normal!

Agreed. I met my male friends the same way I met my female friends -- through university, work, mutual friends, conferences, my child's friends' parents. I didn't 'seek them out' any more than I sought out female friends. It's not like they work any differently, or as if there's some mysteriously different process.

I'm genuinely surprised that so many people say, not just that they don't have any opposite-sex friends, but that they don't know any people who have any opposite-sex friends.

Just thinking through my close friends, virtually everyone I know well does. DH has always had more female friends than male, and while most of them live in different countries to us now, they make an effort to see one another when he travels for work. My (married) male best friend has another close woman friend, a former colleague, though she also now lives abroad, so it's more Skype and visits. My (married) female best friend has a male friend who once taught her a craft on some residential course, and whom she travels to see for a weekend a couple of times a year, and a male colleague she's very close to.

I do trust myself. It’s just a basic code of behaviour, as far as I’m concerned.

It's a basic code of behaviour to leave other human beings in trouble and/or danger in order to ensure that men and women are never left alone together?

I agree with OP. It pisses me off that, when a woman is suspicious of her man's friendship with another woman - she is deemed "insecure"; but when she trusts him and he develops "feelings" for his female friend - our wife is "naive", "didn't see the signs". Fuck that.

I think a lot is down to husbands - to include their wives in this friendship, and the said female friends - to be decent and friendly towards the wife. That's the only way forward.

No not f off. No need to be rude. But, as I said, I would just back off. If anything, meet them as a couple and make an effort to get to know her. The ball is in their court in other words.
I wouldn’t presume to just carry on as if nothing had changed, that’s for sure. I’d hate to be be an issue or drive a wedge between people.

What Paloma said, I’m in my 50s and honestly don’t know anyone with close friends of the opposite sex that they see on a one to one basis. Group friends or couple friends yeah. And maybe you might all be on holiday and one day you and one of the men might do something together the others don’t fancy doing. Possibly you might go to lunch with a very old, pre DH, friend.

But going out to dinner or something with a new friend, no. Honestly, I don’t know anyone who would do that.

Of my half dozen or so closest female friends, we’ve all been with the same people for 25, 30 years or so. We’ve had our ups and downs but everyone is pretty happy with their partner and no one seems to have cheated (not that they have admitted anyway). So maybe there is something to be said for not putting yourself in temptation’s way.

I agree with Paloma, and if the lady friend doesn't adapt to the situation, the partner or wife has every right to at least ask for things to change. Likewise she has the right for it to be a deal breaker. As for other situations about needing help, especially in an emergency that's a totally different thing altogether.

Upon her DH saying that they were meeting in a public place, driving down the motorway and then going to a big group activity she came up with the priceless line 'but what if there is a blizzard and the car breaks down and you have to huddle together for warmth'.

as soon as they got a girlfriend I’d be super-aware that the very last thing she would want is me hovering about on the scene.

I think your issue Pa1oma is that you see all male-female relationships as essentially sexual, when for most of us, they aren't. Would you think you were 'hovering about on the scene' if one of your female friends got a new boyfriend? Or is it that you think that each man only has a place for one woman, be that friend, girlfriend/wife, or mother, in his life, so 'girlfriend' trumps 'female friend', who is supposed to retire gracefully from the fray?

americandream
I question the motives and morals of a woman who is BFFs with a married man, and the motives and morals of the married man who is BFFs with a female who has never even met his wife.
It's highly disrespectful, and frankly quite weird that men have a female BFF that their wife doesn't know

Totally agree.

My DH has several very close female friends. They're lovely. But they're techies and although I enjoy their company I much prefer DH going out with them on his own. I have many male friends- some of whom I'll meet for lunch/dinner/drinks. It's no problem. I adore DH - every day I feel lucky we're married. He knows that.

We're not cool. If either of us was tempted away it would be because there is something wrong with "us" - not because of a friend of the opposite sex.

Oops - that doesn't read right! Nothing against techies - it's just a different world to me!

Of course “girlfriend” trumps “female friend”. If it doesn’t, there is a problem. It’s disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

It's highly disrespectful, and frankly quite weird that men have a female BFF that their wife doesn't know

Why?

Does he have male friends the wife doesn’t know?

Or is what you’re saying that basically women are silly little creatures who can’t be trusted and might accidentally slip and fall onto his penis because they simple cannot cope with being friends?

Now how foolish does that sound...?

I'm trying to picture dps face if I said to him he needed to pack both kids on a bus/train to come join me and have drinks with someone hes never met .......

I couldn't imagine being married to someone so insecure with themselves that they would try and dictate who I choose to be friends with. What's going in their pants doesn't even factor into it. You either trust your partner or you don't.

Of course “girlfriend” trumps “female friend”. If it doesn’t, there is a problem. It’s disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

Seriously, you would expect a 20-year friendship to be scaled back or closed down entirely because of the potential insecurities of a brand-new girlfriend, who might be in someone's life for a few weeks?

As several people on the thread have already said, if a new person in my life started making demands I excluded or cut down contact with long-established friends who were important to me, I know which relationship I would end.