...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

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Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

What this thread is really about is, is it right for someones dh or dp, to be spending alot of time with a so called friend? There may not be anything sexual in it, and as an occasional thing 'perhaps' it ok, but when they seem to spend more time with them than partner or wife, surely that's not right? Why are they not actually with each other if it's so great! Why should the wife feel like SHE is imposing on their relationship!

Or is what you’re saying that basically women are silly little creatures who can’t be trusted and might accidentally slip and fall onto his penis because they simple cannot cope with being friends?

Or that the men *Pa1oma” knows are predatory and lacking impulse control and will behave inappropriately if left alone with any woman they might meet.

Why are they not actually with each other if it's so great!

Good Lord, because he’s a friend. I don’t want to fuck him.

Being out every night with anyone and shirking responsibilities at home is not on regardless if the sex of your friends

But people who do that often shirk responsibility in order ways. Gym every night.

Refusing to get out of bed

"Sleeping through" alarms or baby crying.

Spending days on xbox or up half the night playing COD and being to tired to be any use to anyone.

There are plenty of threads about people who are just as absent from their children's lives whilst being right there at home.

In those cases if it wasnt the friend it would be the gym or the football down the pub etc

Responsibilities should of course be met.

But if you are happy taking it in turns going out then the sex of the friends shouldn't be a problem

Why are they not actually with each other if it's so great!

Because there no sexual chemistry? I adore my besfriend. I met him when I was 6 years old and we've been best friends ever since. There is zero sexual chemistry there, we've never fancied eachother. My husband does not give a flying fuck that me my bestfriend will cuddle up on the sofa under a blanket with a glass of wine and watch superhero movies (that my husband hates) or go to the cinema together or nights out. My husband is very secure with where his place is in my life. He also has a female friend that he does things with that I hate doing, such as any sort of sport.

Why are they not actually with each other if it's so great!

Why didn't you marry your female best friend 'if it's so great'? Same difference. Both are people you don't feel sexual towards.

I also agree with American dream. I think what she and Paloma are saying is its not ok when the friendship takes precedence, or they are not very open about it, and sometimes arrogant some of these stories. Hence another PP, I agree with who said they would question there husband's morals. Also another thing about OP's original question, the point is how the women who post about this sort of thing are often ridiculed, as if they are in the wrong.

Jacques, Monstrance, and Copper, of course I get that people can have friends of the opposite (or same sex) with no sex involved.

Seriously, you would expect a 20-year friendship to be scaled back or closed down entirely because of the potential insecurities of a brand-new girlfriend, who might be in someone's life for a few weeks?

I think it's exactly this attitude from a female friend - "I, a friend, am forever, but you, a gf/wife, is temporary" - which pisses off some women, and rightly. If you never made any effort to be nice and civil to the wife, preferring to call her "insucure", then you are a kind of friend many of us could do without in our husband's lives.

Sarahjconnor - you know that monologue is written by a sociopath who goes on to murder one guy and fake her own kidnapping to control and manipulate her husband, right?

Sarah, do explain why you think an extract from an inexplicably popular bad novel is relevant to a thread in which the only reference to 'cool' anything has been to the OP complaining about 'cool wives' on Mn who make her feel jealous and insecure for not liking the fact that their spouse has female friends?

sarah

When I said jealousy is unattractive I was more referring to a partner being jealous of what I did and who I saw and how I wouldn't see it as as being caring or protective . It would be a real turn off.

I di also hate people pretending to he someone arent . Disagree, argue, refuse to eat shit you dont like. I do all those things and I would expect someone to do all those things

I absolutely loathe that set up where couples become one person. Who never seen to have a single original thought and everything is "we this" " we that"

And what foresta said.

It's a bit like the people who have that reading from Captain Corelli's Mandoline at their wedding without reading the novel...

I know what you mean OP.

There's a lot of freedom to being single and I enjoy that and no way would I give that up for a man who was nurturing a close connection with me! If I were with a man who valued flirting and being validated more than being with me I would just say, no thank you, back to being single again now.

Pa1oma you sound utterly bonkers. I don’t know anyone who DOESN’T have platonic friends of the opposite sex. I’ve got a very good male friend I’ve known since I was 10, I’m now nearly 30. We’ve been on holiday together and everything. Never has anything remotely sexual even crossed our minds! When he was with his last girlfriend I became very close with her too, and she’s still one of my best mates.

My friends take precedence, and always will. They’re the ones who’ll be there when relationships break down. A relationship is not the centre of my life, it’s an addition to everything else

I think it's exactly this attitude from a female friend - "I, a friend, am forever, but you, a gf/wife, is temporary" - which pisses off some women, and rightly. If you never made any effort to be nice and civil to the wife, preferring to call her "insucure", then you are a kind of friend many of us could do without in our husband's lives.

I think it's very clear from my post that I was talking about a brand-new girlfriend. Do you honestly think it is healthy to ditch long-lasting friendships at the whim of someone who has just arrived in your life? And when have I ever suggested I am anything other than nice to my close friends' spouses? Being unpleasant towards the person they love would cause a rift in any friendship.

“I think it's exactly this attitude from a female friend - "I, a friend, am forever, but you, a gf/wife, is temporary" - which pisses off some women, and rightly. If you never made any effort to be nice and civil to the wife, preferring to call her "insucure", then you are a kind of friend many of us could do without in our husband's lives”

Yes exactly. I agree with this.

When I was at uni, there were some men I liked to think of as “friends.” Who was I kidding? Exactly the same at work. Yes, we went out in mixed groups, but I would never delude myself into thinking that it was ok to go out with one if the men for coffee or a drink or whatever. I did this once and it did not end well. I should have seen it coming. I just can’t be bothered with keeping up pretence.

Right now I’m doing a course, but I’d never dream of saying to DH, “Oh I’m off for a drink tonight with new male BFF from the course.” That wouid go down like a ton of bricks with DH. He wouldn’t have it and fair enough. There is no need anyway- just go out in a group. Plus I wouldn’t put the man’s wife in that position - it’s disrespectful.

I liked Gillian Flynn's observations in Gone Girl (though I had read them here before!) but now I understand that 'cool' girl is the one who says nope, that's not for me. Whatever it is, she has her standard. I'm in a fairly new relationship so nothing like a marriage but if I sensed he was flirting with people or jeopardising our connection seeking validation from other women I"d just check out so fast he might not add two and two. I wasn't like this in my marriage. I was trying to be that awful cool girl without understanding what I was doing, people pleasing and trying not to be hurt all the time, tolerating porn, spending the weekend looking after a step daughter from a first marriage, or tidying up after while he sit there with a beer and laptop and I bend over backwards to create a beautiful home. Now I understand that the one who says no not happening if you're with me is the cool one. Just have your standard, and if you're standard is you having close female friends that doesn't work for me, I"m not going to invest in this if you have these close relationships and connections with other women then fair enough. Your standard.

That is very very very different from accusing a partner of flirting with waitress/secretary etc - huge difference.

I wonder how many posters who go on about "trust", "we don't want to fuck our male friends", "how insecure can you be to think women are so silly t fall on their male friend penises accidentally" etc. actually made any small decent effort to meet the wives of their male besties, had a few words, establish some simple human contact. Basically, a minimum human decency. Or the OP hit the raw nerve and they always, somehow, deep down, resented the wife?

My 1st husband was the kind of man to talk about "space", "independence" and had a few female friends who all completely ignored me, laughing and touching him affectionately, offering food from their plates in my presence. I said to him that I don't like it and find it rude, heard about my own "insecurity" and that I "just don;t like other women". Eventually, I said "see them on your own, I am not interested", and these friendships subsided.
My next boyfriend said "well, I don't flirt with married women and I don't flirt with any woman if I have a girlfriend" - that alone, and his behaviour towards me made me be a good friend with his ex! Who was never flirty towards him and we 3 had good time together without any nastiness or awkwardness.

So, you see, how a wife sees it is often down to the man and his female friends. Some female friends are so crap that you dislike them if there was no sex, and never will be. Some men allow themselves a lot, and label you 'neurotic" if you dare to feel uncomfortable with it. Some friends, even if they had sex with your partner in the past can be very decent good people and do you no harm.

And if it’s a brand new girlfriend - back off and give them space. Or are you the type to be like “Ooh let’s meet up on Fri for a drink - because we always did didn’t we - and then you can tell me all about it.” Because that just comes across as daft tbh. If the relationship ends, he knows where to find you if he feels the need to share.

BloodyDisgrace did you miss the bit where I said my male friends GF is now one of my best friends? Why would I resent the wife? I don’t want to date my male friends!

pa1oma if I get a boyfriend, or if one of my male friends gets a girlfriend, our friendship continues exactly as it did before, because we’re normal...

Yes this idea that we would all be resentful and nasty towards the wife.

Of course I wouldnt

Do I want them tagging along all the time as if I can't be trusted. No. Seen too much of that does my head in and I cant be arsed.

But I have never put a single thing in a message that I'd be worried about then reading. If they happened to be around when I got there then fine. I'd talk to them .

I wonder how many posters who go on about "trust", "we don't want to fuck our male friends", "how insecure can you be to think women are so silly t fall on their male friend penises accidentally" etc. actually made any small decent effort to meet the wives of their male besties, had a few words, establish some simple human contact. Basically, a minimum human decency.

I know the wife of my closest male friend pretty well. She’s awesome. I like her lots. She and her H don’t socialize a lot together for childcare reasons, but there’s a regular hobby activity I do with her as well.In general, if someone I am close to is married/in a serious relationship I want to get to know them and hang out with them.

I think you’ll find most of us also have partners who also have opposite sex friends. DH has a female best friend who he meets for lunch/dinner semi-regularly and talks to on a daily basis, and who I sometimes do crafty evenings with.

I don’t know my gay male best friend’s husband particularly. Maybe he should have concerns that I’m luring his man away back to the heady world of heterosexuality?