...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

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Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

My best friend (of over 10 years) is a guy. I'm not getting rid of any friends for any man!

I can understand if the friend in question is an awful or toxic influence (drugs, dodgy behaviour etc) but if anyone told me to dump my friend they'd find themselves dumped in pretty short order.

movingtoplanet well clearly then that’s not a friendship. That sounds like inappropriate behaviour from both of them. I’d be incredibly weirded out if any of my male friends started flirting with me (hasn’t happened in the last 10+ years) and it wouldn’t even occur to me to flirt with them. That element just isn’t there in our relationship, never has been. Because it’s a FRIENDSHIP.

According to some people on here though even going for drinks alone with an opposite sex friend, confiding personal things or texting them in the evenings is inappropriate! Those things are kind of the point of friendship!

Agree with PP, if a boyfriend asked me to drop my friends I know who I’d choose. And it definitely wouldn’t be the boyfriend.

I agree that my post before is probably not relevant, but there are definitely people who don't see marriage/ltr as anything special any kind of commitment at all.

I agree with you that genuine friendship is different, and I agree that you should be able to moan about your relationship to your friends.

But, there are some situations, loads of texts, comparing partner unfavourably to friend, seeking compliments, how do I look in this outfit? Etc that are not appropriate at all and that spouses/partners should not feel bad for questioning that.

I think a few posters are not adequately distinguishing between “person of opposite sex who is just a friend” and “person of opposite sex who is sexually interested in your spouse”.

I don’t flirt with my male friends. Why would I? I’m not interested in anything happening sexually with them, ever. I’ve been single by choice for 5 years, if anything was going to happen now would be the time. But it hasn’t because I don’t want it to! Any and every message I ever sent could be seen by a partner without worry, I have never hidden or minimised the relationship.

It’s really important to acknowledge that not every person you meet is a potential partner!

movingtoplanet - I don't think anyone on this thread is denying that inappropriate behaviour is a thing, or that no one is ever unfaithful or that boundaries are awful.

I think what happened is that OP posted up something saying 'I hate all this 'cool wife' shit', which is a fairly loaded turn of phrase ('cool wife' being a term that gets thrown around a lot on MN) and a load of people piled in to make comments like 'men only ever pretend to be friends with women when they want a legover' or 'I would never be comfortable with my DH having one-on-one time with a woman' or ' I don't believe for a second, that these women would be OK with it' or 'it's disrespectful to be 'best friends' with a man - no decent woman would try to be'. 'a man is only as faithful as his opportunities' which is what sparked the response.

My personal story, since we're sharing them, is that years ago I did have a girlfriend (so yes, this can happen in same sex relationships!) who genuinely did not see why we should socialize separately at all. She didn't like me hanging out with other women as she felt that was 'disrespectful' to our relationship and men were right out! She was definitely a 'men are another species' kind of person. It was an incredibly lonely and isolating relationship and I did end it for that reason.

YANBU as long as you also accept that some women may naturally be completely OK with it and that's cool too. My DH has lots of female friends who he does a couple of sports with, where I'm just not at the same level as them so I can't do the same things with him. Some of them are pretty good friends and I admit I do tease him about them sometimes, calling them his [let's say] "climbing girlfriends" - but I don't really mean to insinuate there's something going on between them and he knows that. It's just a kind of in-joke between us. I'm perfectly happy for him to spend as much time as he likes with them, partly because it means I don't have to try to bring myself up to their standards, which would be well-nigh impossible for me. Yes, they might sometimes have lunch together in the context of doing their shared activities. That doesn't make it not-OK either. I think this is a very personal thing and depends a lot on the individuals concerned. I wouldn't belittle anyone who was less comfortable with it but please don't belittle me for being relaxed.

I guess that comes down to what you see when you read the replies forestafantastica I read most people as saying there were shades of grey and most friendships are fine. Some people saying its controlling to ever interfere and some saying opposite (or same/both ) sex friendships are not allowed.

I don't agree with the last too responses but I don't think it's right to call people 'cool wives' or 'controlling/insecure' when you don't know their story. You have a very good reason for feeling the way you do and I respect that.

I am on the more insecure end of the scale, but I understand that is my shit to deal with, and I have to let my partner live. OTOH if there ever was overstepping of boundaries I'd expect him to end the 'friendship' maybe that's controlling to some people. I would hate to start a thread and have everyone say I was 'not cool' or worse. That's why I never start threads

If I think of all the people or couples I know, I genuinely can’t think of anyone at all who would go out for lunch or a drink with a “best friend” of the opposite sex or a married / in a relationship person. This would be people in their 30s / 40s. I think it did used to happen perhaps in the 20s, when relationships were more fluid and there was more “game playing”. But most people with kids and a DH, barely find time to go out with him, let alone some other male “friend.” I don’t know how anyone can be bothered really, not once you get past a certain age.

If there was some woman knocking about claiming to be DH’s “friend”, I’d think she was a particularly needy type and wonder what was wrong with her. Also I’d respect him less for entertaining it.

I am friends with men ,I am married and would 100 % not act in anyway that would make their wives feel uncomfortable ( I hope ) I go out of the way to make sure anything I say or do can not be read as flirting or anything else . I would hate any of their wives to feel I was being over familiar .
Luckily I am not a kissy huggy sort of person , so tend to stand well back at those moments

I have seen many women who overstep boundries , under the guise of just beening friendly
If you feel threatened by other peoples relationships with your partner no one should be telling you , that you are in the wrong
Its not always about the other woman who is a friend of your husband wanting to have an affair with them , but it can be about power
a bit like the power struggle between a mother and her daughter in law that can sometimes happen

I can sometimes go to events for an group I belong to with out my OH , but wouldnt dream of going out with just me and one of the male friends I have with out our partners

If there was some woman knocking about claiming to be DH’s “friend”, I’d think she was a particularly needy type and wonder what was wrong with her. Also I’d respect him less for entertaining it

But if it was a male it would be ok?

It another only on MN not in RL thing

Seriously, stopfucking, you literally don't know, or know of, a single person in real life who has close opposite-sex friends with whom they have managed to avoid sleeping?

This thread has been a total eye-opener for me. Who knew so many people ruled out half of the human race as potential friends for themselves and their spouses? (When there are also so many desperately sad threads about loneliness on here.)

It also makes total sense for the first time of those threads about being disappointed you were having a son, and a daughter to Go Shopping and have Girly Spa Days with, because, obviously, if you think women and men have nothing in common at all and therefore cannot be friends, then obviously you can have nothing in common with your adult son, so the relationship is doomed to die...

DP has loads of female friends, some of whom he's slept with in the past. The one I'm most jealous of is the one he never hooked up with but I suspect always wanted to. The one he was closest to and sleeping with is actually really cool and nice.

I genuinely can’t think of anyone at all who would go out for lunch or a drink with a “best friend” of the opposite sex or a married / in a relationship person. This would be people in their 30s / 40s. I think it did used to happen perhaps in the 20s, when relationships were more fluid and there was more “game playing”

Maybe this comes back to the insecurity thing? I genuinely can’t understand why having lunch with a friend is “game playing”. But then my relationships have never been “fluid”. I was with my husband from 19 to 34

Game playing?

God if I started flirting with my Male friend hed wonder wtf I was doing.

And turning up is "needy"

Well of she turned up to ask.opinion on.jer new hair do I'd agree

Visiting her mum and popping over to offer a lift as she was a few doors down. Not so much

Theres a real fear of a women being within a few feet in that comment

I hear what you’re saying Jacques, but so guess people are all different. I never really felt the need to seek out men as friends. It always became complex in the end and it was more hassle than it was worth. Similarly, it wouldn’t really occur to DH have a female friend - I think for the same reason. It inevitably gets awkward somewhere along the line. I’ve neber been able to keep it 100% platonic, so why bother. Nor would I want to hang about if a male friend had a girlfriend or wife. I’d feel slightly ridiculous in that scenario.

Sorry I think that's a real shitty way of treating people tbh.

Ditching people they second they get a girlfriend. Quite possibly right at the point they need a friend the most of things go pear shaped. Or they needed advice or a friend.

I thi l it's an odd view to have that because you cant keep it platonic it's weird when everyone else can.

Who are all these adults with the long-term platonic friends? I’be never met one of them?

If I’m stranded in an emergency in the middle of the night, who do I call to pick me up? DH? Or if he’s not around, should I get the male “best friend” out ? Yes I’m sure his wife wouldn’t mind at all

You call the person who has the car who can come and get you

Or would you rather be left stranded cos men cant pick women up.

I could not be with someone who would honestly prefer I left someone on the roadside in the middle of no where through no fault of their own just because I couldn't be trusted to not shag them on the way home

I never really felt the need to seek out men as friends. It always became complex in the end and it was more hassle than it was worth. Similarly, it wouldn’t really occur to DH have a female friend - I think for the same reason. It inevitably gets awkward somewhere along the line. I’ve neber been able to keep it 100% platonic, so why bother. Nor would I want to hang about if a male friend had a girlfriend or wife. I’d feel slightly ridiculous in that scenario.

Then Pa1oma, you clearly view men and male friendships in a much more sexual light than I do. I've never had it get 'awkward' or had to struggle to keep it platonic -- and I'm thinking of three very close male friendships I've had between my late 20s and my mid-40s, when everyone involved has been (and still is) happily married. I've certainly never felt 'ridiculous' because they had wives, any more than I'd feel it if my female friends had husbands.

The point is, I wouldn’t need to call someone else’s husband out because I’d have girlfriends or a relative if need be.

Seriously, who would rely on someone else’s DH in this way? Or for anything?

Oh ffs it's not relying on them is it.

Dh is at work and phone is off
Catherine on holiday
Sophie is a single mum

Shall I call my sister 200 miles away of my friend mark who can he here in ten mins cos I need picking up from a&e....

Emergencies are just that. Unexpected and unplanned for

Can you really not be in few feet of men or something?

But if it was a genuine emergency, surely no one would mind, Pa1oma? In fact, I wouldn't be able to call DH to come and get me at 3 am unless there were absolutely no other option, as we have a six year old who couldn't be left alone, whereas either my male or female closest friends could leave their children asleep with their spouses in charge.

It's not something I'd do lightly, obviously, either way. But if I absolutely had to call either my male friend or my female friend in that type of situation, I'd choose on the grounds of who was geographically closest and could do it with least trouble, not on the grounds of sex. I certainly wouldn't be thinking 'It's 3 am, I'm stranded on a dark roadside, I'd better call someone female or a close relative in case I sleep with my rescuer?'

It all comes down to weather you fancy them. If it’s not sexual where’s the problem?
I’d find it hard to have a friend who I fancied, so it seems quite straight forward to me.