...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

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Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

I’m not saying DH (or I) can’t have conversations about a whole host of topics with the opposite sex . Of course you can talk about anytbing with anyone. But being a “best friend” implies more than conversations. It’s a bond; a mutual support; a “specialness”.

So yes, I would feel uncomfortable having that with another woman’s DH. And DH would feel like a creep if he was hanging round someone else’s wife in that way. Sharing confidences, one-to- one chats, exclusivity and so on. Why would you feel the need to do that?

And what if they were best friends long before you came on the scene? They should just stop talking?

I’m entitled to my opinion that it’s pathetic and to my desire not to associate with women who feel this way. You’re entitled to disagree

Because everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes. People who will tell you you are being a pain in the arse or acting like a dick .

If that happens to be with a man who is your closest friend then why on earth would you drop them and start the whole process of trying to find that person you can trust all over again whilst ruling out anyone Male in case they get a wife sometime down the line.

Sharing confidences, one-to- one chats, exclusivity and so on. Why would you feel the need to do that?

I guess because life is pretty lonely if the only person you have to talk to is your spouse. That's why people normally want friends.

My honest opinion of women who feel this way is that they’re a bit thick and incapable of thinking critically about why their views on close opposite sex friendships are actually incredibly misogynist. As for men who think like that, I think they’re unhealthy possessive and probably abusive. It’s just not an ideology I want anywhere near me

And why do you see them as just another womans Dh and not the friend you have known for years.

That's what someone mentioned earlier about defining someone by their sexuality and not seeing them as a person outside if that

Being called pathetic is pretty nasty. I hope you never find yourself in a position like some women have, just had a baby for example and DH has a relaxing lunch with FF complains to his close attractive non child FF that he never has any fun anymore. Happened to me!

I don’t see a problem with that scenario. He’s allowed to feel worn down by fatherhood and confide in his friend.

And guy friends dont get together and talk about exactly the same stuff?

Isnt the problem a lack of communication and being an arsehole which which apply whether he divulged it to his dad his sister his gay best friend or the dog.

Again it's not the friend that's the problem.

It's only pathetic when it's not happened to you.

Pretty much every guy I know, including ones I’ve dated, have female friends they go for dinner and drinks with alone... it’s never occurred to me that that might be a problem, because in my world friendships aren’t centred around genitalia

And thinking about this more, I'm not sure I'd want to be in a marriage with someone who felt they couldn't manage a one-on-one conversation with someone of the opposite sex without being creepy. It's a bit Mike Pence, isn't it?

It's only pathetic when it's not happened to you

And who do you blame when you have isolated your partner from all friends , banned them.from.nights out, made them call you at work three times a day and they are still an arse hole?

At what point do you stop blaming friends and blame each other?

You’ve all gone a bit extreme!

I would have left DH in the end if he hadn’t dropped his FF. It was degrading, demeaning and hurtful. His FF was texting him asking how she looked whilst I was worn out, unattractive and holding the baby - she kept pressing him for drinks when I was desperate for some cooperation and team work with the new realities of life with kids.

We can all have say we can do whatever we want, but you can’t act single in a relationship. And some FFs are like recreating that single life. Not all of them, but some do.

I do hope some of you don’t find out the hard way.

Now DH has dropped said friend we are both happier and hopefully sharing family life for a long time to come. We will both see friend on our own, both sexes, but theres no competition or ego boosts from others which attack what we have. Which is probably quite healthy.

I find all this ‘my dh shouldn’t have ff’ a bit odd. Perhaps I just know nicer blokes who wouldn’t do the dirty on their wives? Perhaps the bottom line is that women that feel this way just don’t trust their husbands underneath. Deflect it onto a stranger rather than deal with the root cause. That’s all it says to me.

People who are going to cheat will cheat, regardless of whether they've been "forbidden" from having opposite sex friendships. If you don't think your spouse can control themself then that's something you should accept when you get together with someone- it's not like you can ban them from all opposite sex contact.

I don't agree with this. Some people are just cheaters who feel entitled to have something on the side. But others have affairs where they become emotionally and physically involved outside of their marriage. The second situation can definitely be spurred by a too close friendship that turns into something more.

I really wonder how you can reach adulthood and not have met the type of person (can be woman or man) who goes after someone in a relationship. Even a man who is content in his marriage can have his head turned under the right circumstances. I think it's naive to believe that there is a special category of "cheaters" and you're either married to one or you aren't. People are far more complex than that.

I’d agree @edge people have propensities but it takes the right circumstances. Also, it’s not just that FFs might spark an affair.

In my case it drove a wedge between me and DH. He now admits that having her lean on him a lot satisfied an emotional need but without any commitment from him. Which with the stress of a newborn was very attractive. He was the shining knight to her, who was still glamorous, free. whereas I became the grumpy wife at home. He had male friends but they didn’t make him feel like a knight. They didn’t compete with me either, and his FF definitely did on some level.

People say "you either trust your partner or you don't" like it's the ace card in this debate... I disagree. Sometimes a person who has never cheated before and has no intention of cheating, will find they're in a friendship where the lines are blurred and an emotional affair begins... because nobody pointed out to them that when you start confiding in your "best friend" about your relationship and get excited when you're seeing that person, you're starting to overstep the boundaries that set apart your main relationship.

Well that was his choice to be a dick. Choose to spend time away from you and the baby. Not help you and seeking this kind of validation.

My dp did similar when dd1 was a baby. Except he was out all the time with his Male colleagues. Wasnt their fault. They invited him. He could have said no. People are responsible for their own behaviour.

Personally I would have stopped replying to any friend who constantly texted nonsense about clothing and was that needy. Its exhausting when people do that.

Your dh should have set some boundaries if his friend was getting to intense. He didn't.

Again that's not really the friends fault. Hes a dick cos he was a dick and he chose to treat you badly.

Akd yes the world is full if slime balls and people who see married men as a challenge etc but at some point you have to hold people responsive for their choices.

If a wife cant get their husband to stay home and help them equally another adult cant make them also do something. They are making a choice.

And dick heads alone in a room with no one else to blame for their actions are still dick heads. And would continue to be so if you upped and moved then away from their friend.

Why does it bother you so much OP ?
I mean we
Know the internet is full of idiots and shit views

It another only on MN not in RL thing

Ignore ignore

And, of course, this thread is also a good demonstration of why men tend to do so much better in a lot of businesses/areas of life and work that rely on networking/contacts etc. Because they are the ones who get to have one-on-one meetings with mentors and contacts, they are expected to have good personal relationships with other men in positions of power, and no one bats an eyelid.

Whereas women, apparently, should only ever have after work drinks with other women, or maybe retire to the drawing room while the menfolk have their port and cigars.

What's depressing is that it's other women getting involved in this kind of gatekeeping.

I think there is no one size all answer here.

If DH theoretically got the hump every time I met a male friend, I would think he was a controlling prick and would put me right off of him.

Completely agree with decorm Gerry and forestaf*. I’ve had male friends since childhood, I’ve been confiding personal and relationship things to them for a very long time. Never has anything deeper than friendship developed, in much the same way that speaking to my female friends like that hasn’t turned me gay. Obviously, if I was in a relationship and a man made a play for me, I’d say please don’t do that, I’m in a relationship.

If you’re someone who thinks like OP then you’ve got one of two problems: either you hate yourself so deeply that you project that onto other women in a combination of jealousy or contempt, or your husband can’t be trusted to say no to people who fancy him. Neither of those things are the fault of an external female friend (and friends in general don’t tend to start flirting with you when you’re in a relationship). It sounded like your DH wasn’t doing his fair share with the new baby, and leaving you home alone doing all the childcare to go for drinks with his friend. That’s shitty of HIM, not her. It’s very easy to say ‘no, I’m a dad now and I want to be home with my new baby and wife’

I know someone who texts her married ex, flirty messages, I think he instigated it. She just rolled her eyes when I said 'he sounds like a right bastard then'. Definitely one of those he was mine first, I'm doing nothing wrong types. The wife probably
Thinks they're just friends, if she knows about it at all.