...to be sick of women being made to feel uncool for feeling insecure about their husbands female friends?

[Alphabetsoup4]

Is it just me?

There are often threads here from women, girlfriends, wives who have husbands who have a ‘close female friend’ and are exclusive of the wife/gf. Often they get told on MN that they are jealous, insecure and controlling for feeling uncomfortable.

Isn’t this a case of other women being a bit misogynistic towards a poster feeling insecure?

Why on earth is it ‘cool’ to be oh so fine with your man having as many close female relationships as he likes?

And why is it assumed that cheating only ever happens because the man is going to cheat anyway, it’s hard wired? That it doesn’t matter whether they have female friendships are not.

I don’t understand and I think we are in danger of putting ourselves down as women telling others not to trust their instincts.

Why aren’t healthy boundaries cool? I think that they are.

That’s not to say that opposite sex friendships are banned, but there is a healthy balance.

Unless a woman is being very jealous, not letting her partner look at another woman etc, then I’d say 90% of these posts are from women who really are being disrespected and demeaned by their partners.

Just feel a bit depressed to see so many women be put down for this!

Well your "normal marriage" sounds incredibly abnormal and shit to me.

Really close friends are precious. Couldn't give a stuff if they are men or women. Why would I ask my partner to dump his friends who enrich his life and have been there way be fore me because of my weird insecurity.

Christ he'd think I was unhinged.

It's why there is so much cheating

Yeah cause people only cheat with the person they have spent ages convincing their spouse is 'only a friend'.

No cheater ever, just didn't mention the person they were shagging, or shag the secretary, or a colleagues whose name never came up, or a mate of their spouse who they seemingly dislike....no?

It's really odd that people say 'this leads to cheating'....I have friends bith sexes to differing degrees.

I have never just fallen into bed with any of them. Not have I ever accidentally snagged a work colleague on a might out and cheated.....I dont get how that happens.

One of my bffs is a man. I know quite a lot of women who have close friendships with men. I think it is slightly a generational thing but also some women (and men) seem unable to have platonic friendships with the opposite sex. I can only imagine that those are the same people who find opposite sex friendships so difficult to understand.

What about if it was an opposite sex family member? Would those on the thread still be jealous? You do know people have sexual relationships with those of the same sex too?

I think it’s weird and possessive. I personally don’t see any difference between a same sex and opposite sex friendship. A friendship is a friendship and if it’s appropriate, it’s appropriate.

I think it also comes down to how your conduct your own friendships so, for example, I have no “bff” male or female, that I will text multiple times a day. Or spend huge amounts of time with. With all my friends we will message each other every so often, meet up every few weeks or months. There’s certainly no one I’m in daily contact with. So if I met someone who had someone they felt the need to speak to every day, and have regular meet ups with. I would probably struggle with it. Man or woman. But yes I guess moreso if it was a woman. I’m a massive introvert though and when I look back on my relationships, the ones with other introverts have always lasted longer than when `I’ve dated an extrovert.

It’s not about me thinking that if I have a man I don’t need anyone else. I’ve been single nearly three years now and don’t spend any more time with my friends now than I did when I was married. I’m just not a big socialiser and like my own company. So it’s probably better for me to stick to my own kind!

You do know people have sexual relationships with those of the same sex too?

I've raised this point and got a lot of slightly odd shifty answers which basically come down to "well gay people aren't like us so we try not to think about them".

I just think there are different kinds of men and different kinds of women. I can’t imagine my DH having a female “friend” who he sees exclusively, without me. I mean he has loads of women we class as friends who we see together. There are women at some of his hobbies and he employs hundreds of women, but he’d never go out with one of then on his own for dinner. He’d feel like a sleaze and know he was giving off the wrong signal. Maybe in 200-300 couples we know there’s only been a handful of divorces so far (mid 40s), so everyone just gets to know everyone as part of a couple and socialises that way. There’s no need to go out one-to-one. Everyone is too busy. It’s hard enough to get together en masse.

But I would be wary of new friendships my partner formed with women. Going out in a group related to how they met, say work or hobby? Fine. One on one "dates" not fine.

I'd much rather know my DH was faithful to me regardless of how much temptation and opportunity he has to cheat then think the only reason he was faithful was because I had shut down any temptation and he just never had the chance. That's why I bat no eyelids when he travels with single female colleagues. They go for lunches and dinners and stay in hotels. He could be fucking all of them. He isn't i'm sure and that's his choice. Which is what makes it proper fidelity, not enforced fidelity.

Same as me going on weekends away with my male BF. I could have had sex with him. But I didn't. That was my choice because I am faithful to my husband.

I used to have a friend whose husband was a right cheat and lech. She would blame all the women and try to clamp down on any opportunity for him to be out without her. She was insanely jealous too and for some reason thought enforced fidelity was okay. But it's no way to live for me.

If my partners are going to cheat then I actively WANT them to. Then I can get rid. Why would I want someone to be with me because they just hadn't met anyone they liked better yet?

It’s really quite bizarre and worrying that your husband couldn’t be alone in a public social setting with a woman without feeling like a sleaze. As someone earlier said, is he Mike Pence? Who, if you remember, was ridiculed and derided to high heaven when he made similar comments. Literally nobody thought he was being reasonable

It would seriously restrict my husband work if he couldn't socialise and network with women. His last 2 bosses have been women and he manages lots too. I suppose it depends on the job but many require this kind of thing to make connections and network. He has never felt like a sleaze because he has never acted like a sleaze

I would say to Tinkly as a Londoner in my early 40s it is definitely my normal to have close friends of both sexes and not really care about it.

One of my sahm mum friends the other day mentioned that she was going to invite some of her dc friends to come swimming, but she didn't invite one boy as his dad is a sahd and she felt it would be weird for him to see her in her cossie. It would never have occurred to me and I feel sad for the boy if he's not being invited to play dates and stuff in case some women think it's crossing a line somewhere.

I’m not saying he can’t be in public with other women . How is that even possible?

I’m saying he would not have a regular texting relationship with another woman to just chat for the sake of chat.

I’m saying he would not take another woman out for dinner - alone. Nor would he take her anywhere else. Who should he take out do you think? One if his friends wives? An employee? Someone from his cycling? Who should be his new BF?

Surely this is just basic stuff in any marriage?

Surely this is just basic stuff in any marriage?

Are you wanting a gold star for doing marriage best?

Your way isn’t right, it’s only right for YOU. Don’t extrapolate and there’s no issue.

Basic stuff when I was married was “be kind”, “treat your partner well”, “don’t make unreasonable demands”.

I’m giving a perspective Jacques, as have you.

My dp has just spent a week sharing a very small sleeping space with one to three women -only one I have ever met. He will spend a lot of the next 3 months doing the same. I’m glad i’m not some posters on here.

I’m giving a perspective Jacques, as have you

Yes, you’ve done it with carefully loaded terminology...

I’m glad i’m not some posters on here

I imagine he’s probably pretty glad too

Jacques, I’m not aiming anything personally at you at all.

What I dislike is women being told by other women they are “controlling” or hysterical when, quite evidently, they are not.

I’ve even been asked if I’m Amish fgs

Surely this is just basic stuff in any marriage?

I think I went for the weird esoteric stuff like "love" and "trust". Not "no whorish coffee".

As for how I meet and socialise with my friends - I do have a male friend I probably get daily messages from and also sometimes go out for drinks and dinner with. We met through a shared hobby and just stayed in touch. His husband has so far overlooked our torrid messenger conversations about dodgy sexual topics like baking, musicals and cocktails. I have another male friend who was one of DH's army mates who DH actually sees weekly for a lads gaming night but is also my gym buddy three times per week and we probably go for breakfast every other week or so post gym. He is straight but has resisted the sexual lure of my red faced and sweaty lycra clad form at 6 am. And I have my straight female friend from uni I probably get daily messages from. We have managed to avoid cybersex for the last 20 years but maybe we will crack soon.

And DH has endured this situation for the last 15 years so I presume I'm not fucking up marriage that badly.

Bertrand
let me get the largest and the shiniest prize off the shelf for ya then.

At a push, I'd agree that opposite sex friends are good for going to some poststructuralist exhibition, or watching a film about social deprivation. But cosying up with them in pyjamas for a luvly candlelit evening, or asking their advice on sexy knickers is a bit tacky.

Pa1oma you are saying he can’t be alone in public with a woman if he can’t “take her out”. Which he wouldn’t be doing anyway. Friends don’t “take each other out” they meet up in a mutual arrangement because they enjoy each other’s company. How many times do we have to repeat, we would not entertain a relationship with someone who thought those restrictions were remotely normal. If a man was making your demands of me, I would find it abusive frankly

If my partners are going to cheat then I actively WANT them to. Then I can get rid

I could understand that perspective, if you had any way of knowing. Look at all the relationship threads on here where people find out their partners have been cheating on them for months, years sometimes. There was an office I worked in where two people were having an affair for a good few months. The poor wife had no clue. And that’s how we all saw her “the poor wife”. I’d rather be seen as a bit controlling by my partner than be viewed as the poor wife by all of his colleagues!

The majority of people don’t think their partner will cheat, until they do. But the revelation usually either comes as a massive shock where lie after lie is uncovered, or follows months of uncertainty and suspicion. Most people don’t get caught first time. i just think there is such a thing as playing with fire and if you play with fire, you get burnt as they say.

BloodyDisgrace - you know if you're checking out the knickers of your same sex friend as you nuzzle on the sofa of an evening I feel like maybe you should ask yourself some searching questions.

“m glad i’m not some posters on here

I imagine he’s probably pretty glad too grin“
Mind you, the reek of marine diesel will probably damp any ardour.........Or maybe not, if they all smell of it!

@pa1oma I think you’ve put your points across politely and intelligently.

I think the majority of put down posts are from those who are very defensive of this bestie Male relationships and how it’s great and has no impact on their marriage. The words:
Pathetic
Abusive
Controlling
Jealous
Amish (?!)

Have all been used by posters on this thread directed at women who don’t have a complete free for all attitude. I think that it’s interesting that any aggression is directed to the wives of besties.