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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he is being strange??

36 replies

Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 10:15

Good morning. I have a close friend who I speak to every day, in person and by text message . Nothing inappropriate just lots of friendly banter, work and family talk. There possibly were feelings in his side in the past but they were dismissed pretty quickly as I have nothing more than platonic feelings for him. It didn’t upset the friendship, if anything, his contact became more regular . I dealt with this by extending reply time and basically detaching a little . He has a girlfriend of nearly a year. I don’t know anything about their relationship as he doesn’t mention her .

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Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 10:21

However , and this is why I’m posting here... he will text all through the day and evening when he is on his own. Perhaps he is bored and lonely but we do get on famously and enjoy each other’s company and humour . I don’t respond regularly. He will often double and treble text. Maybe for attention? There is nothing pressing in the messages .Nothing inappropriate really. But from literally just before the minute he meets his girlfriend and from the minute she leaves, he is back on his phone texting etc . I think it’s emtirely normal to and respectful to have his phone off while he is with her but the messages could begin again at half past six in the morning or eleven o clock at night ! I ignore these and don’t even open them as they are quite often just friendly banter . I find it odd though. Am I unreasonable here and if I’m not what could I do without being rude and hurtful . Thanks for reading my post .

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Shoxfordian · 21/03/2019 10:46

I don't think you really need to do anything. Its his relationship that he's potentially damaging, not yours.

Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 11:41

He isn’t destroying any relationship of mine and really he isn’t doing anything wrong as he must be attentive when with her but I had thought it a bit strange but then I was doubting my own thoughts. The times of contact are inappropriate I would have thought

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needanappp · 21/03/2019 11:45

I think it's quite obvious that he's still got some romantic feelings towards you. There's nothing you can do other than make it clear that you don't feel the same way. If he continues then, as PP said it's his own relationship that he's damaging.

Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 12:01

Thank you for both replies. I guess I am trying to figure out if he is bored, lonely, strange, trying to keep me on the contact hook for his ego. It’s hard to figure it out. I am married and he is in a relationship . I think it’s just too full on but I don’t want to be mean . The texting immediately before and after his dates have confused me . In fact I think it’s weird. I could set my clock by his communication times .He is clearly respectful to her when he doesn’t text when they’re together. Maybe I should mention something. I recently turned off my on line status on messenger and WhatsApp .. as much as possible, as I found that his contact would coincide when I would be on line . He has now done the same . Strange .

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Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 13:33

Any other thoughts or opinions please?

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Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 13:36

Do you actually spend any time with him? I would stop replying and he might get the hint that you're busy or not interested in his endless drivel. It's a bit controlling the all hours msgin.

Stawp · 21/03/2019 13:40

You might be inadvertently leading him on...he obviously still has hope.

blackfriars · 21/03/2019 13:43

If you have turned off your online status on WhatsApp it automatically turns off everybody else's - you can't see other people's statuses but hide your own.

That said, it does sound a bit inappropriate!

RagingWhoreBag · 21/03/2019 13:45

You say it isn’t damaging your relationship but does your husband know how often these chats take place?

I know my BF would be annoyed if I spent a large part of my free time texting someone who has made it clear in the past that they have feelings for me.

In fact, I did have this exact situation. And I chose to limit replies myself without needing to involve anyone else’s opinion. It takes mental energy away from the attention you could be spending on your DH - do you send him funny texts and ‘banter’ too?

Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 13:46

Thank you. I’m not leading him on. There are no feelings there. I turned off my last read on what’s app so hisbis off too.. I understand now. I also turned off messenger active status and that is helping . I work with him all day in a lab

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Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 13:58

Yes I do. My husband is fully aware of the chats and banter and I will share, more than not, any texts etc I receive . There is no sexual referencing or anything as such but nice and kind comments which I expect are not appropriate if I am to be honest

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Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 14:05

Eh? You work all day together and he msgd you incessantly? Time to stop this, he's got an unhealthy attachment to you.

Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 14:17

Yes. I think you are right but how . He doesn’t have that attachment when with his girlfriend so that gives me some comfort .

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Holidaylover · 21/03/2019 14:19

First of all if you work together and speak to each other face to face at work you need to speak to him about this, you need to ask him in a jokey way why he messages you as soon as his girlfriend leaves and ask him if he thinks it's OK to message you that much
. I don't think this is a very good idea whats going on at the moment. Yes it could be completely innocent on both parts although I don't think it is on his but..... Your husband is not going to put up with this forever no matter how honestly you are with him he will end up hating this guy.
Plus the guys girlfriend probably isnt aware of this at all and if she finds out she's not going to be happy with either of you. Yes you've done nothing wrong but your creating the possibilty of trouble further down the line

Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 14:21

Have you ever asked him to cut back the volume of msgs? I would say can you please stop messaging me so much I'm finding it a bit much. If it makes things difficult at work go to HR, this level of contact would drive me nuts. Has he no other friends? He doesn't do it when he's with his gf cos she'd probably tell him he's s bloody weirdo!

Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 14:26

Ok thanks. I don’t want any trouble. I wanted to enjoy the friendship and while I knew it was a bit intense , I didn’t really start thinking about it heavily until I added two and two together and realised that if he was meeting her at eight, he would send a final message at 7 59 and then again at literally 07 01 the next morning . Immediately when she arrives and straight away when she leaves . That’s is plain weirdness to me so this is when I started to reflect and think about the appropriateness of the friendship. I really really do not egg him on . I have no interest in him. I am naturally outgoing and chatty and bubbly so I find being cooler and distant difficult . I am at a stage where I have do not disturb mode on until I get to work each morning as the messaging can start at dawn despite working beside him two hours later, for the whole day!

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Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 14:30

I suggested that there were boundaries being crossed some time ago. I suggested that we lay off the chats after work. It gradually crept back. As I said I respond now and again, I don’t begin the conversations and I don’t engage in unsociable hours. He has loads of friends, hobbies, close family a very busy and full life . He spends an evening with his girlfriend every week and then he’ll still message through each weekend day .and holidays . I’m leaving my phone at home for a holiday abroad at Easter , As he will just message all day through if I don’t. And he will stop if I don’t respond after three or four messages .

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Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 14:32

I definitely think you need to say something; msgin at dawn? How does he think this is ok? You're his colleague not his gf. Stop trying to be nice, he's overstepped the boundary here. Do you see each other outside of work? Are you similar ages? Has he any friends?

Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 14:34

Sorry just seen he supposedly has friends/hobbies, yet finds time to constantly msg you? Possibly a fantasist?

Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 15:07

What is a fantasist? The more o wrote the more ridiculous this is. He literally messages me before and after so many events eg training, cinema, concerts, football games. And sometimes during them. And all weekend and holidays too.it Sounds crazy.

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Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 15:15

A fantasist; as in lives in a fantasy world/ exaggerating his lifestyle, how can he be doing all this yet still be msgin you constantly? It's stalker like behaviour.

Original poster
Mathsaddict · 21/03/2019 15:19

I think he believes that we are male and female versions of eachother and that we have this incredible personality connection . That is all . He did used to comment on me a few years ago in a physical way but never since he met his girlfriend so I know it’s not an attraction for him .

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Bookworm4 · 21/03/2019 15:24

It looks like you are making excuses for him when you know this isn't normal, even the best of friends don't have this level of contact. Imagine a woman doing this to your DH, you'd have nipped it in the bud long ago. Have a word and if he doesn't like it then tough, if he makes problems at work report him, time to cut him off.
Do you ever see him outside of work?

XiCi · 21/03/2019 15:33

I think he believes that we are male and female versions of each other and that we have this incredible personality connection

So basically he thinks you are soul mates. That's what he is making clear to you, and you are doing neither of you any favours by encouraging it.