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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Or should I just suck it up?

110 replies

Ilovemuesli · 21/03/2019 09:47

Background:
My partner has 3 kids with his ex-wife (1 biologically his - DSD, 2 step-children), we have 1 child together.

DSD is sick at the moment, so is at our house for the day, as my partner is a stay at home dad & I go to work full time. Her mum is at work

My partner normally does 50/50 with regards to school runs for all the children but today he is not wanting to venture out to pick his stepkids up from school as DSD is really not well. Instead he has asked me to come out of work to collect the stepkids from school, drop them off at our house and then go back to work

I have a really busy afternoon at work, packed with meetings and project work I really need to get finished (off topic.. but it's Brexit related... eerrrggghhhh!) It would mean me leaving work at about 2:30, driving to school and home, then driving back to work to get there at about 4pm

I have asked if his ex could come out of work and pick them up from school, then I will pick them up on my way home at 6 and bring them to our house (they are due to stay tonight) but apparently she has taken too much time out of work this week with her kids being ill.

AIBU in thinking this is not my responsibility? Obviously I don't want the DSD getting even more poorly, but at the same time I don't want to set a precedent of leaving work at the drop of a hat e.t.c

Or should I just suck it up and go and pick them up? Am I being precious?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 21/03/2019 12:27

Cross posted. Glad you’ve decided to go get them OP

Kungfupanda67 · 21/03/2019 12:28

@Ellisandra where has she said they’re twins?

I would do it if at all possible. The fact they’re not biologically related to your partner isn’t relevant if he has chosen to stay as their ‘dad’ after he and ex separated (which is great of him btw).

cuppycakey · 21/03/2019 12:29

Ellisandra raises a valid point - how come the SDSs have different fathers when they are twins OP?

Original poster
Ilovemuesli · 21/03/2019 12:36

We do not live in walking distance of the school, so cannot ask them to walk home

Don't know about the Grandparent's or family friends, I really don't know much about their mother's side.

What I do know is that DP bends over backwards in order to remain a part of his stepkids lives... therefore so do I by proxy.

I guess the next time something like this happens, the onus is on the children's mother to sort alternative arrangements out.

P.S DP does 50/50 of the school runs - he is a SAHP to our baby only, the other kids live with his ex-wife but he goes over and either takes/picks up from school. Is the only way he gets to see them every day.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 21/03/2019 12:36

Previous thread by OP? If so, she may have made them twins in order to be less identifiable - plenty of people do that.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/03/2019 12:38

I guess the next time something like this happens, the onus is on the children's mother to sort alternative arrangements out.

... which she'll now be even less inclined to do, because she knows if she pushes, you'll bend. You're teaching her that you can be as disrespected as your DH.

Not at all surprised to learn that she's a piss-taker in general.

She won't take the kids away, you know - not if you and your DH generally make her life work by all mucking in. So - next time, say no.

Original poster
Ilovemuesli · 21/03/2019 12:38

@cuppycakey haha outed! Yes I have changed a couple of details in the past, just to prevent being outed, but everything in my posts bar the identifying info has been true

2 step kids, different dads, neither of them are biologically connected to my DP. He has raised them as his own children, despite them being born as a result of his ex-wife's manymany extra-marital affairs.

So I think he's a pretty decent man to not want to abandon these kids :) Apologies if this sounds smug in any way!

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 21/03/2019 12:42

OP, thing is, it is the role of the SAHP to sort out emergency issues like this in general.

So your DH needs to start creating or expanding his network for future events like this, in the same way we all did so as women.

It looks like you are the family breadwinner so you csnt risk your salary by being the default back up for every time the DCs need collecting, etc. Emergencies, yes, but not every little issue.

TatianaLarina · 21/03/2019 12:46

OP, thing is, it is the role of the SAHP to sort out emergency issues like this in general.

This. It’s his job to deal with all of this. If he doesn’t have friends, family, neighbours, list of childminders for occasions like this - he needs to get one. He may need to network.

Ellisandra · 21/03/2019 12:52

Yeah, I get the detail changes. If you search me, I’m at times 48 and others 52 Grin I’ve yet to make myself 25 again though... might indulge myself!

I did an AS not to trip OP up, but to check whether to taxi situation was possible - as I’d assumed the steps were older than the bio (which you really would expect!) and OP hasn’t replied about ages.

Bloody hell though - twins would be more believable in that, one thing to bring up the product of an affair, but to do it twice*?!!! Bloody hell, the XW is proper JK isn’t she? At least use a bloody condom!

*by believable, I mean some people’s behaviour is unbelievable (XW) - not trolling the OP!

whohaa · 21/03/2019 12:53

Can't the kids' father do the fathering?

BlackCatSleeping · 21/03/2019 12:56

Can't the kids' father do the fathering?

Do you and the others really think this is a helpful comment? Like the OP is going to say "OH, wow, why didn't I think of that? Thank you so much!"

whiteroseredrose · 21/03/2019 12:57

If your DH was still with his ex she'd have to leave work for them.

whohaa · 21/03/2019 12:58

Oh do shut up. I can say whatever I want. Do you think you're being helpful? No you're being argumentative.

BlackCatSleeping · 21/03/2019 13:01

Ok, yes, sure, I'm the argumentative one here.

At least I have taken the time to read the OP's posts.

Original poster
Ilovemuesli · 21/03/2019 13:04

@whohaa, in an ideal world yes, the children would have decent human beings for their biological parents, but unfortunately their biological dads (plural :) ) don't care a jolt about them.... my DP has been their father figure for their whole lives.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2019 13:04

Can't the kids' father do the fathering?
As far as anything matters he is their father and he is doing the fathering. He's just trying to avoid a poopey vommy kid from pooing and vomming in public

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/03/2019 13:09

The posters on here telling you and your DP to just drop the Step kids because they aren't blood related is unbelievable. Families come in all shapes and sizes and actually being there for the children is more important than who conceived them. Angry

IncrediblySadToo · 21/03/2019 13:09

It’s not as easy to ‘create a network’ of friends/class parents etc around the children when they don’t live with you. I think the OP & her DH are doing remarkably well considering the ex wife’s attitude.

However, given DSD has D&V it would be far preferable for the boys to stay at their Mum’s tonight to avoid catching it (biology doesn’t come into it, just practicality). Yes, I know if they’re all living together all the time you have to take that risk, but when there’s another option it seems stupid not to do that. Yes, the Mum might have other plans, but she has 3 kids and so such is life. Surely the Mum has friends who could collect the boys from school and keep them until she gets home from work? Or she could leave early and collect them? They ARE her kids and their Dad is looking after THEIR sick child.

Anyway, get him to crack on with his 🚙🚗as it could have easily been sorted if he could have taken DD in the car.

CastleCrasher · 21/03/2019 13:11

Signed. Watching the numbers steadily rise is good to see, but unfortunately I think the 17 million comment tells us that it's not going to make a difference. Bastards. Lying, short sighted bastards.

CastleCrasher · 21/03/2019 13:12

Wrong thread, sorry!

Eliza9917 · 21/03/2019 13:19

@Ellisandra Thu 21-Mar-19 12:21:45
How come both boys have different dads, when they’re twins? (possible for non-ID but pretty bloody rare!)

They aren't twins, there are 3 children, all with different fathers. Plus the child the op & her DH have.

Purpleartichoke · 21/03/2019 13:30

The ex-wife isn’t part of this equation. It’s your husbands day to do pickup. He doesn’t want to do it because he is caring for your child. You don’t want to do it because work is busy. The two of you need to decide together who is picking up. You aren’t setting a precedent with the ex-wife because this is your H’s parenting time and it is his responsibility.

Eliza9917 · 21/03/2019 13:33

@Purpleartichoke He's looking after his kid with the ex-wife, not OP & his child.

Original poster
Ilovemuesli · 21/03/2019 13:34

@IncrediblySadToo

Yeah, I think if my child was ill & I had the option of not making my other children potentially ill I would also take that option :)
But then I am a saddo who likes to be at home with my family, rather than go out on a booze bender :) Did all that in my younger days, couldn't imagine anything worse now

I understand if you want some time out for yourself, believe me I know it won't be a walk in the park as a single mum of 3.... but she gets every weekend free and also 2 days/nights free in the week.....

Will stop my snarkiness there :) Don't wish to appear as though I am resentful as this is absolutely not the case !

OP posts:
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